My thoughts are all jumbled up and its hard to know where to start. Some song in my earphone pops thoughts into my head to start discussing and than someone makes a comment or chats on facebook and that totally starts a different line! Wow, never pray for inspiration - maybe moderation in inspiration would be a little more specific and helpful! Lol.
Yes, I laughed and I have tears in my eyes - tears of joy and happiness. Is my life fixed? Is it better? Am I perfect? Are my children? My husband? No, YES, HELL NO, no and no. For six to seven years I have looked at people's inspirational comments and some hurt because I knew I could not process and go there at that time and that's okay. For everything a time and a reason and a purpose. I will never be perfect, I have faults - A LOT - but I also have good in me and I've let the world, the negativity, the grief, and the faults of others crush me for too long.
When I was 17 my parents allowed and paid for me to go to Washington D.C. with a small group from my High School to attend a week long tour and teaching experience with the group Close Up. It changed me. I was growing up in small town America where everyone knew your business and if they didn't they made it up. If you lived your religion and had standards you were made fun of and shunned. Just fact - shotgun weddings were more attended and celebrated than regular ones. In my group of friends some of the group were jealous of each other and due to families that had lived there forever, some opinions were valued higher than others. All that changed in Washington D.C. Close Up was kids from Puerto Rico, Chicago, New York, Utah, and a several other states I can't think of at this moment. :) We all split up into groups and the fact that kids that didn't know me treated me better than those I had spent the last 9 yrs growing up with totally opened my eyes. They didn't know backgrounds, they didn't know details, they saw attitudes, personalities, and judged on actions of the people they saw during meetings and events. Needless to say, when the group I was with tried to treat me the same as at home, before we left, they got blasted. I'd had enough, I'd been treated right, my opinion valued and requested and I wasn't just a groupie or add-on.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to share what happened to me yesterday yet. But I can say that there is nothing greater than the Saviors unconditional love and the forgiveness you allow yourself to feel - about yourself. Part of the light I used to feel and hopefully radiate, I can feel starting to burst through again. I can't fully express how wonderful it feels to be happy again.
