Pre-Halloween

My last blog entry shows the up's and down's of being a mother...hoping and wishing for the best for your kids but yet having to let them find out how to do it by themselves. Some problems I still believe are a little too big when it comes to their futures....I'm still learning also. I appreciate my friends that helped to enlighten me on what works for their children. It is true they are not all the same...and to think, I used to know everything about parenting and how I would do it....BEFORE I had kids.

So it's Thursday, tomorrow I have to go into Salt Lake and am having Anthony drive me. Part of me wants to scream "WHAT AM I DOING?!?!!?" and than the other part tries to shut it up by reminding myself he needs the experience. Everyone pray for us please. >.> He has most of my wood wall completed, another small bookcase added and hopefully this weekend between Dean and Anthony, my dad's LARGE shadow box of medals will be finally put up. It's been 4 yrs...wow. Interesting how much you notice that isn't done when you can't help work on it. Ah the life of a control freak =].

We have trunk or treat tomorrow night and I hate buying goodies for regular trick or treators and the trunk or treators. Since everyone at trunk or treat knows me, I am making sugar cookies and unleashing my children on them with icing and decorations =P. Anthony was hoping his little girlfriend was going to be able to come and help pass out treats but it looks like her family has other plans.

There was something else I was going to add but alas it has escaped me for the present time. Guess I'll be back if I think of it. Paix

I simply don't understand...I don't

I don't understand how kids these days simply are too lazy to turn in the work they've done. When they have a failing grade at the end of the term it suddenly dawns on them that "OH CRAP, I'm going to have to do MORE work now - like go to night school". Ugh. I don't understand! My 16 yr old had good grades until he hit mid-year 7th grade Jr High. It was like someone told him, "you're supposed to be an idiot, so act like one" >[...grrr. With all the major stress he in at the beginning of 7th grade - turning 12 (new responsibilities at church), my mother passing away, upcoming piano recital (of which he was the "main attraction" but didn't have his piece memorized), the kid still made the honor roll! Therefore, unquestionably, I have been scratching my head, trying not to pound his head for the past 3 1/2 yrs. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!?!? He's suddenly all nervous, 2 days before end of term - so with A and B days that makes it 1 day before end of term actually, "I have to talk to my teachers, see how I can improve my grade!"....excuse me?!?! If I were your teacher I would laugh in your face...I hope they don't but still - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? I admit that my freshman year in HS I goofed off. I took easy classes - which I didn't really try very hard at and was much more concerned with my "non-social life" than with schoolwork. That lasted about 1/2 a year and than I wised up - my parents weren't happy with me. I was not allowed to bring anything home below a B-....8 kids, car insurance discounts, strict parents - you get the picture. I know that schoolwork is challenging and my husband couldn't bring home below a C - so I have to be lienent to that but I would rather not. If my grade at mid-term was below a B-, which it usually was in Science, I busted my BUTT with the teacher to see how and what I needed to do to get that precious B- within the next month. I got yelled at, questioned, and grounded if anything was below - I do nothing different with my kids - SO WHY DOESN'T IT WORK ON THEM?!?! My parents were scarier? Well yeah probably most definately but your telling me I have to make my children scared of me for them to actually CARE about anything and take any responsibility? That doesn't sound right - I have my share of parental temper tantrums at them but come on - really?

My 8th grader is FAILING HOMEROOM. Does this sound incredulous to anyone else? Homeroom?!?! Since when can homeroom give a grade besides P or F?!?!? My 8th grader is falling into the same rut as his brother. I have tried this both ways....I have pulled in the momma control strings - I have looked up grades each day, gone through backpacks, issued cell phones so that I could text BEFORE they left the building to make sure things were turned in....all it caused was headaches for me, contention in my home and I hated school as much as they. So then I tried the complete opposite....I told them they were in charge, it was their responsibility, I was trusting them....uh hunh....my oldest's gpa went from 3.0 to freakin 1.9 >.>. With a controlling mother he was atleast not going to night school but doing that makes my physically sick these days - the contention and frustration are taking their toll on me. I know there should be some other way...any way, that my children can return to the responsible little stinkers I am raising. Come on... seriously? You take the time and the effort to do the school work and than simply "forget" to turn it in?!? How is that possible when the teacher ASKS for it?!? I don't understand, I want to understand, but I don't understand. I hate mid-term and end of term just as much as my kids. They know I'm disappointed, they are disappointed in themselves...a pep talk only goes so far when it's simply because they didn't turn their work in. A pep talk I can give when the work is done and turned in....I don't know how to "pep" laziness...all my cajoling and pepping hasn't seemed to do any good. I really, really don't understand. Somebody help me? Please.

Interesting Week....I'm getting too old =P

No, by that comment I don't mean that I'm mentally or spiritually too old but that my stupid BODY is. Here is the stupid thing....my body is the way my body is due to no one's neglect but my own. I started having kids at the age of 24 was done at the age of 30. Arthritis kicked in at 23. I always knew I'd get arthritis, my mother and maternal grandmother had arthritis and no matter what anyone in my family previously had or has, since I am the last, I received all the leftover cells with all the hereditary "junk". Lol, it's a running joke in my family. I am 19 yrs younger than my oldest sibling.... do the math... James was 59 last month and I turned 40 in May. I could rattle off all the hereditary "junk" that I've accumulated (wrong word...maybe noticed?) in my past 40 yrs, but all I can see it doing is making you feel great that you don't =P, so I'll just say it all started when I was but 2 wks old with very low white blood count.

I thought I did really well when I got pregnant, let me rephrase that; being pregnant makes me sicker than a dog dying to where I'm almost hospitalized but in turn I hardly gain anything! I hear about these women that gain 50 to 60 pds when pregnant 0_0 really? why? I gained 23 pds with Anthony, 21 lbs with Ben, and 16 lbs with Olivia. Yep, I see where your headed and I concur...if I didn't gain it during pregnancy where did it all come from? I agree, I do not have that excuse. I gained 10 pds that would not budge while nursing and than just being a working mom - with every kid. So that explains 30 lbs, where did the other 40 come from? Stress, laziness, depression, need I go on? When we moved into our little house 12 yrs ago, I went from having a mirror in the bathroom where I could SEE down to my knee's, to a mirrored medicne cabinet that all I had to see was down just below my breasts. NICE!.....BAD!! Yes, I noticed my pants got tighter, I noticed I was starting to get a double chin and I tried my hardest - still do- to try to get rid of that double chin. It will take me a long while to rid myself of what's below my breast line but I hate the double chin. If someone takes a pic of me I delete it. In a picture I cannot not see my double chin - in the mirror, I can stand a certain way, etc. The person I see on film, that the rest of the world looks at? Is someone I don't recognize and someone I don't want to recognize.

My children are sweet and tell me I look fine, on some days I look great and it's taken me a long time to realize that I look great for the me NOW, not the me I still am inside, the me I expect to see when I look in the mirror or at a picture. My struggle these days isn't learning to love the person I've become but making the outside match my insides.

My control freak came out this week and is getting really, REALLY tired of the clutter around my house. Clutter do to unfinished projects that I no longer have the stamina or strength to complete by myself and my teenager has yet to get to. So, this past week I pushed myself. Ok, for most of you, pushing yourself means ran 5 miles, walked 3 miles, cleaned the whole house....I wish. My body has very firmly over the past 2 yrs informed me that I no longer contain the energy to do even small smidgens of those things and if I try, I will than not have enough energy to sleep. *rolls eyes...ugh. For me, pushing myself meant, I walked on the treadmill 30 min, danced 10 min (I miss dancing SO MUCH!), cleaned my kitchen, did 1 load of laundry, fixed dinner and painted maybe 3 ft of bathroom. My bathroom is still not finished but it should be by end of week =] and I have spent the weekend in pain. My body decided that since I was not listening to it, it would make sure I heard it. Friday I started feeling twinges in my back - psh that's normal so what? By Saturday evening - still pushing myself stuff has to get done body don't you understand that?!?!- my back was starting to seize. Yay me!! >/ grrr. So, to anyone who has read my status's on fb lately...I cannot take the time to listen to my body. I have children who need to be places, a household to run, a job that requires 6 hrs a day and than a family to try to be with somewhere in there. Therefore, off I am to take a really, really careful shower, dope myself up with pain med's again, apply an icy/hot patch, and hope that between all that and my wand I'm still moving when Dean gets home tonight....it's PUMPKIN CARVING night! (I already can't scoop a full pumpkin out, I'll be DANGED if I can't carve one now too!)

Happy Halloween Everybody- be safe!

The House that built Me....

My blog is being weird, I hope I have it straightened out now. I went looking for one picture and of course, found many others that I wanted to scan into the computer as well. =] Oh well. The photo didn't have the line down the center, my scanner must not like polariods. (funny enough, neither does my blog dictionary - ha)

I've the video and heard the song a few times: Miranda Lambert, The House that Built Me. My family being a military family I believe that I might be the only one out of eight that can make that claim on any of the homes we ever lived in. We moved to Nephi when I had just turned 8; that means that Denise was 13, Reba 15, and Mimi 16 (not quite 17). The only other one who lived in this house for awhile would be Reba. I moved out when I was 18, a month later my parents bought me a car - in my name =P (yep handed me the paymnt book and everything) and said USE IT. So I lived away from home but went home every Friday night and back to SL Sat nights - until I got married almost 3 yrs later.

There are certain things in your life that you just assume will always be a constant....your parents, their home, your spouse, and your family. Three weeks ago I found out from my brother that they were losing the house. When my dad retired due to cancer, my parents remained in Nephi for another three to five years and did volunteer work at the Manti Temple. My dad, without realizing it, asked my mom where she would finally like to live...she picked Davis County where 4 of her 8 children lived. (actually 6 of us live here now) They started building without having sold the home in Nephi. Upon my dad's death they had still not been able to sell the home in Nephi, my brother with the largest family, purchased the home from my mother. Now, after my mom has been gone for 4 yrs, the house is leaving the family also. Yes, I realize it is just a house, a tangible item that wears away with time, while my memories last forever.

I suppose, this is written in the context of the song mentioned above. Age 8 to 18 - that's the major part of being built as a person, there are many, many memories tied to that old home. Some good, some bad, some funny, and some that made me swear I would NEVER live in another small town. (and I don't.) When we first moved to Nephi, I remember seeing RED everywhere - that was the color of the carpet and parts of the wallpaper that adorned the house. Cherished memories that can be triggered or easily brought to the surface; power outages for 3 days, the natural gas truck the pulled up to the basement window, the old basement that we SWORE someone was buried behind a wall, the bats in the attic and porch top, the wonderful front porch, the REAL, sweet, cool grass during summer, the majestic tree's that surrounded and dwarfed the house, the HUGE piles of autumn leaves, the roses that lined the long driveway, the irises that lined the front fence, the painful cactus garden >.<, every Memorial Day and Labor Day as work in the yard days, family parties, frisbee's landing on the roof, the good friends, wonderful neighbors, pets, and hauntings. As with any other person, I am made up from all this and more. As the house reverts back to being empty, as it was when we moved in, I hope that someone else who has a love of all things old, will come to cherish it and build more memories for a family. ♥

The Winds of Change

Everything changes. Minute by minute, hour by hour, subtle or great, everything changes. How we adapt to that change determines our happiness.

When great changes occur we acknowledge them and find our own way to adapt...for some it may be minutes, for others years, some may never accept the change. It is the subtle changes that undermine our happiness. Tiny little things that change anything or everything in our lives. Little by little when thrown together enmass at times can create larger changes than we for saw.

Are we the type that will embrace the change and let it continue on its path? Or are we those that will acknowledge, than defy, and eventually win back what we feel we lost? There is no right or wrong answer.....no right or wrong person or feeling as each must choose for themselves what is right in their world. When all does not seem right, maybe it is time to analyse and take a closer look at ourselves.

Popular vs Influential vs Selfish

For once the thought process came and STAYED so that I could blog...wahoo! So, I started thinking about who is influential in your life, if you are more influential than you know, and than popularity zinged in. Therefore, I have taken the task to look up each word and see if you can have one without the other.

Popular: widely liked, or appreciated, sought after for company by others; of or representing or carried on by the people at large.

Influence: a power indirectly influencing people or an event, to have power over, to cause a change in the character, action or thought of.

Selfish: concerned only or primarily with onself without regard for others, a person who cares for no one.

(just for fun) Self-Esteem: satisfaction with oneself.

Alright, so we can see that the words do not relate to each other, each having a vastly different meaning. Therefore, I can only assume that it is lack of understanding, the slang of our current culture that ropes these words together. It could be memories of youth, current associations or many different items that affect this.

In High School, there were always the "popular" kids. To those of us who were not popular, they appeared to have great influence on those around them. I was one of those that was lucky enough to be "passing" friends with the majority of the populars. Did they influence my choices? My views? My behavior? No actually they didn't. However, I do declare that I am a stubborn cuss and would at that age, go against a current trend just to do it. With this in mind I am apt to believe that you could also pull into this conversation by myself, the words "Leader's and Follower's". At one time of life or another I have been taught that you will either lead or follow; it simply depends on the situation and your comfort level with it.

I suppose that my "un"comfort level with the word "influential" is what has brought this thought to task. I have been told that I am influential.....hmmm....that turns my mind to wonder of why and what must those that follow be thinking? =] (sorry - just a joke) There are times in my life that yes, I can look back and see that I took upon myself the role of leader....but it also comes to my mind of: when I led was I a good leader? were people upset by me? did I come on too strong? Yes, I realize that many leaders have the same thought patterns running their minds, atleast I hope they do - otherwise I would have to add the word "selfish" back into my mix.

My therapist several years ago thought my ideals and idea's of things backwards. I have had a few friends mention that as well. It is possible I suppose that along the road of life, our definitions of ourselves are plodded out by those around us. Not only in the "labels" that others give to us but in how we understand and interpret what has been said. I shy away from the word "influential" as much as I do "popular" or "selfish"....they seem selfish words to me. If I admit that I could be any of those words do I become haughty or selfish?

My goal in this life at this time isn't simple; for my goal is to examine they why's and what not's or these words and learn to apply them "correctly" towards myself or anyone else. Therefore leaving off any connection with words that do not help but simply hinder one's self esteem.

First Date...and other stuff

First off, this is my beautiful niece Alisha and her new husband Cory. Last weekend we drove up into Maplewood Canyon, just off of Fountain Green. There were some really beautiful tree's there and the rock formations were incredible! The actually looked like they were created or made out of that moon sand or something...just beautiful. We went back to Nephi for a wedding "after party" where they had a country band come play, good dutch oven grub and of course wonderful company since it was all friends and family. I did not get to stay as long as I would have wanted but that's okay. It was actually good that I came home when I did. We missed out on fun dancing and goofing off but the time there was very enjoyable none-the-less.

Ben went on a campout this weekend...his last as a Deacon. Surprised us since he usually doesn't like to go but demanded that he get to on this one. The quorum is a little different than the normal and he enjoys being with the boys that are there now. Olivia is up at the Adams cabin having fun with William - Dean and I took Anthony on his first date. Lol, I think I'm rather honored. How many kids do you know that would take their parents on their "first date" as a double date? Well he doesn't have his license yet so I or Dean will be driving him on any date that he goes on for the next 6 months unless he can convince Dan or Max to double with him. We headed up to Fernwood Park next to the Layton Castle. It had a fire a couple of years ago and as you can see from my picture, there is still burnt, dead wood sticking up out of the ground but also some beautiful vegetation beginning to come forth. The trail is about 1/4 of a mile and than you can continue crossing the small stream but we ended there - turned around and headed back. About 4 different pairs of cyclists passed us coming and going - a long distance runner - and other families trying to get Christmas photo's. We drove to the lower parking lot where they have fire pits and picnic tables and had our picnic. I only packed enough bread for one sandwich and I will agree with Dean that the sandwich was really good and could have eaten another. We took fruit and cookies and drinks and than just sat and chatted.

I was my typical self and before picking up Arianna I ran Anthony through his manners, pick her up at the door, handshake, nice small talk, open the car doors for her, etc etc. I have tried since they were 2 to pound manners into their heads. Even though I rarely see it at home, my boys have learned well and I am proud of them. (Others tell me of their manners when they are away from us.) Anthony has liked this little girl for almost a year; however, it wasn't until recently that she finally admitted that she has liked him back. The nice thing about the holidays being here is that there are plenty of activities around to make free dates =]. Arianna is very shy, it will take her a bit to get used to the rest of us, it took her over 6 months to get used to Anthony ;). It was a fun time today and I do believe that the first date was a success!

Not sure....hmmm

I'm not sure that all my thoughts make sense ;) but when have they ever right? Different things going on therefore different thoughts constantly at battle for the spotlight but all it is, is a mass of jumbled words. Let's see if I can assemble them into any such order. =]

I started and have now completed the first three books in the Inheritance Series by Christopher Paolini. As a writer he impresses me, such as he wrote Eragon when he was 17. I keep trying to write, I long to write. However, my imagination is impatient and I see what I want to write in sum. It is very hard to pick details out of a whole picture...I still needs learn to pick the picture apart and study it, than write it. I have completed a book, yet as I look at it, with anything a perfectionist does, it is not good enough for me. Therefore, I will look at it as though it is the premise of thought, awaiting additional idea's and instruction before it is truely complete. Alas, the book I started long ago and wonder if I should ever finish, is still only a few pages long. Somehow I wish to incorporate these two books together. I have had much thought on this but I believe it requires much more. The books I mention are first "Perchance to Love" and second, "Learning to Love Myself". In title alone you can see that they are not so much alike, yet I believe that you must love yourself before you can love another. That is my hope that will bring them together. Goodness, major digression.....I was going to conclude about the Inheritance Series that I found a passage in there that has stuck in my mind. The dragon, Saphira, says, "partner-of-my-mind-and-my-heart". I really like that and yes, it does have the hyphens in it - I don't know why.

That brings up what else has been roaming around in the dark recesses of my brain...friendship or love. I am a very firm believer in and can often be heard saying, "You cannot help who you love". I also believe there are different types of love, that all are not related to "physical affection". I love my children as their mother....fiercely, adamantly, whole heartedly and without reservation. I love my husband as my eternal companion, my helpmeet, and my steady rock in a shaking world. I love my family mostly because we are siblings. Many of my siblings are very good friends, not just siblings - anyone with brothers and sisters should understand that statement. I love my parents with my full being and realize the moments I should have cherished and will never have again. And, I love my best friend. That has been my crux if you will these past few months. Many who know me would say, "Well, Dean is your best friend, that makes sense" and it would and does; however, I have two best friends. Sometimes it is weird as I try to keep myself mentally awake and morally straight (as the scouts say =]) concerning any and all of the love in my life. If asked, I would tell you that the people in my life who love me, do so because they have to. Don't get me wrong, I know that they love me; yet as my book title states, I must learn to love myself in order to fully embrace the love I receive from others.

I was not able to listen to all of General Conference last weekend. Thankfully they have it OnDemand on Comcast, as well as the General Relief Society meeting. My wonderful neighbor made sure to tell me that this meeting was definately different than those in the past. =] She also has difficulty with Relief Society at times, coming out feeling more cross with yourself for not doing ALL that you could be instead of feeling better about what you are doing. I am told it was wonderful and uplifting, and she cried -simply because she felt loved. ♥ Good, I look forward to watching it than. =]