What a week....

The week before Christmas has become more and more hectic with each passing year. Drives me insane since that is the time I like to finalize ....EVERYTHING...gifts, goodies, idea's..you get the idea. However, it seems that the school system has decided that they too MUST finalize before the break >/. Two concerts (one a freakin' 3 hrs long 0_0), dates, basketball games, work and yeah - I decided on Christmas Eve that I was just ...done. I had no energy left to try to accomplish the items on MY list and my nerves were on dangerous edge - not willing to come down.

We drove to Bountiful Christmas Eve morning and had brunch with my siblings. It's always nice to get together but sorry, I still feel like I don't fit in. James, as always, asked his "deep" questions that he wanted everyone to answer. This time it was "What do you think you were fore-0rdained for" and "What in 2011 can you do different for your family?". I was grumpy, I was tired, and all my brain could come up with was..."I have NO idea". Therefore, I passed. I didn't say and that might have made one or two siblings unhappy with me but it's a free country right? Why DO I have to answer those questions if I don't want to and can't think of anything? I know, I'm worrying about something silly and it's past and I would be told to just let it go - ok, it's gone. =] On the way home, we stopped to get a dragon heat lamp and some other goodies to go with the fact that I wasn't cooking my normal full Christmas Eve dinner. As we pulled up in the drive-way, my brother-in-law and his family pulled in behind us. We slapped the turkey in the oven, got the munchies out and went downstairs to watch "Despicable Me". ha ha ha ha "butt" ha ha ha ha...Light Bulb....No. Does that tell you I LOVED IT?!?! I actually saw it - that was the other thing that week - with my sisters on Wednesday afternoon. Dean wanted to see it and my inlaws hadn't so we rented it. All of us loved it - great movie. - side note: I kept seeing little "cameo's" of other movies, like Monsters, Inc, Nightmare Before Christmas, etc. Take another watch and see if you don't see them.-

The inlaws went home and we opened one Christmas present each - Anthony opened his "Womp'em " gloves, Ben opened his new micro foam pillow, Olivia opened her Snuggy, Dean opened a family gift from Boo - a cute new ornament from NY, and I opened a beautiful inspirational calendar from Reba. We read the Christmas story from Luke and all went to bed. We received a call around 10 pm from my sister. She and her family were spending Christmas at home this year instead of at their cabin, but, her hubby had forgotten his phone so they traveled up to the cabin to retrieve it and just check on things. They got stuck in a snowdrift. The plow dude in his cat pulled them out and proceeded to pull them into a LARGER snowdrift. Needless to say, they were stuck at the cabin overnight. Dean and Anthony went to their rescue at 8:30 Christmas morning. Ben and I got up around 11:30 am - ahhh and Olivia wandered around, watched tv and just stared at the presents under the tree until Dean and Anthony returned. My one disappointment was that the new "Fire Drums" Hoodie for Anthony was an exact fit - ugh - hoodies are supposed to be baggy. So, sending that one back this week and hoping that before his birthday in August they get more in to ship him a new one. bah
We all just kind of did nothing the rest of Christmas day, it was wonderful. Leftover turkey, rolls, candy, etc was all out to munch on throughout the day and watched "The Last Airbender". Okay, that movie gets 10 thumbs DOWN - I don't recommend it at all, it was hard to keep my Ang fans in the room to even finish the movie. On a good note, we finished the night watching "Cake Wars"- 3 episodes in a row! We have decided who we want to win and it continues tonight (Monday) - go Megan!

This week should be much better. I've already finished reading a book "When Christmas Comes", a very easy read slight romance. It was nice. I have the Hunger Games and one other upstairs to read, plus 2 caterer ones from my Pat. I have Mon-Wed off, go into SL to work on Thurs and than have Fri off - lol WEIRD - but that's okay! Time off is awesome. =] Anthony has a full week of "hang outs" which he is excited for, Shannyn is here video gaming today, not sure who is coming on Wed (don't know her), and hopefully Arianna for movie marathons at the end of the week. =] This is what I prefer, no single girlfriend to cause drama but lots of cute friends that are girls and just like to have fun with him. =] YAY.

Life is a matter of Trust

To start off I guess I need to get something small off my chest..yeah, that's what this blog is all about lol. That's exactly it. I know other people probably don't enjoy my delves into thought and emotion and that's why there's free choice. You can read or not read, I am not offended, in fact it only tells me cities people read from so I have no idea if you do or don't. However, if someone works out for themselves, something that I am prattling on about, than I feel that I've helped and I just have to hold onto that thought.

Ok enough of that. This is all about trust issues. I was raised to trust and be someone that others could trust. I wasn't raised perfect and have never claimed to be...in fact, that is my "perfection" complex, the fact that I don't feel that I ever can be - never good enough, never smart enough, never going to please everyone - yes, yes, I know these are unrealistic expectations but I'm sure you have your own little idiosyncracies also. How do you live a life not fulling trusting anyone? I've been hurt, I've been a complete idiot, but I continually want to believe that there is good in everyone and that there is some part in them that I can trust. Yes, I realize that this thinking might be idyllistic in today's world, yet, I am not of the type to give up on people. There IS good in everyone, sometimes you just have to look and dig deep and not give up because its been buried by years of hurt or shame. Therefore my issue....I have lost the trust of someone very dear to me. I do not know this person physically per say, because I know them online and therefore, emotionally . Granted, there are many who do not trust anyone they do not know in person, let alone online and so I'm sure there are many that are reading this and saying - "how do you know that you know this person emotionally when you have never met them?" "how can you verify that and put your own trust out there?" "what are you trusting them with?". I have had many online friends through online gaming over the past 4 years. Many of them have lied to me, have used me, but I ask you, what is the difference between them and someone who lies directly to your face? There is none, what's more, I can't see any benefit that someone who doesn't know me even gets from lying to me - but that's another aside.

Those that DO know me personally and physically know that I am nosey, too curious for my own good and that even though it is well meaning, it is not always appreciated. I admit, I am the Gladys Cravits of my neighborhood - probably because I'm the only one always around and we have a great group of neighbors that have all lived here for 30+ yrs and take care of each other - I've lived here 12 now, for that reason exactly. I don't know why and maybe because of this I tend to abuse it, yet I find that most people will open up and talk to me, trust me with their kids, etc when they haven't known me for very long. I am beyond honored and amazed when it does happen, and grateful that they would even consider me. Blah blah blah, I'm prattling on again and digress. I have sent packages, cards, whatever to online friends, I have cell numbers - I even had one's passwords to IM's and emails (I know- scary).

I met a friend and only knew them by pirate name and in game. I than joined his crew and got to know him slightly more. This person has trust issue's I've never experienced before in my life, my heart aches for him and the crap his life has given him. I gained this person's trust - not easily, and not quickly. Than because I was curious, I was desperate, and admittedly stupid - I lost it in the blink of an eye. Six weeks later when I finally was able to speak with him again - after making a total and complete jackass out of myself - we discussed the occasion and came to a tentative pact. His question still plays in my mind, over and over - "I hope you don't expect me to ever trust you again, cause I can't...can you live with that? A friendship with no trust?" Silly, ridiculous me said "sure". This was all the end of July and August. I barely speak with this friend anymore - a friend that I could chat online with non-stop for 9 hrs while I worked and he simply couldn't sleep. Things aren't the same, they never will be I fear and am realizing more and more with each passing day. I deleted his cell # so that I wouldn't random text when I needed an ear and mistakenly wake him up. You get a bond with some people you know? Those that you just know - hard to explain, it's only happened to me with about 5 people in 40 years. That bond is either gone or ignored on his side now...okay. I can hear most of you telling me now, cut the strings, let go it isn't a healthy relationship on your side anymore if it just causes you pain. For a person with a limited number of people that she can call "close" friends, this is hard to do. I think I've written (in my mind) about 10 good bye, have a nice life letters and than cried myself to sleep - losing a friend kind of like re-losing my mom. Strange thing is that the day after I play that in my head, I get a text or msg the next day.

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhh....You can't make someone be your friend or care, who no longer wants to, no matter what they verbally tell you. Isn't this one of the most difficult lessons to learn in life for all of us? Learning to accept who we are, who others are, and loving them no matter their thought or non-thought of us. I think I will work on this past the grave. gah

Freakin' losing my mind....

So, I thought I was doing better. I knew I wasn't whole again or by any means 100 percent myself but I also know that my family needed me to be, so I thought I've done a pretty good job of disguising myself. Lol, yeah, if my husband reads this he'll be like, "that was disguising?" Yes dear. Honestly, you have no idea.

I am SO TIRED of being negative!! I don't want to be negative about myself, around others, I know from being around my mom - you love them but other people don't want to be around negativity either! Therefore, they start shutting you off, the start avoiding you, and you can see it and it hurts and than more negativity piles itself on. You blame yourself, there is no one else to blame but it doesn't help the matter. I went to see Sarah today - for the first time in I don't know how long - way, way too long. It was a feet only appt ie: foot massage mixed with helping to get all my bodily systems back to normal parameters (yeah, you can do that through your feet =]). Let's just say, it took her 50 min on ONE FOOT! *sigh yeah, it's been too long. I started detoxing about 30 min later, really tired but than started moving to get errands done and unfortunately, NOW I'm awake! =P Your perspective changes when everything is working in harmony together, when you start to actually relax. No, relaxation is not something I can do naturally and isn't coming really easy as a learned skill either, but I keep trying. My mood and perspective shift with the day, during the day, without warning - no I am not bipolar =P sheesh. I simply have some really messed up hormones and endocrine levels and a really negative self-esteem - you've heard that there are some people who just can't get along with themselves? Yep, that would be me. For example, I never see, nor talk to anyone online anymore. Last night, out of the blue, for the first time in weeks - I got a text from one of them. After weeks of wishing to talk to someone, particularly this person, the convo lasted about 5 minutes and than became awkward, became misreading and misunderstanding texts and than a quick shut off from both ends. I used to could talk to this person for 9 hrs and finally have to say - AHHH I have to SLEEP! We don't last 5 minutes now....what have I done? Yes, I blame myself for the instigation - I know that I have no control over what people think or do but I also know that I have to accept the consequence for my action that changed everything. No, I don't like it but I can't change what happened, I've said sorry, I've been forgiven, but I will never have my friend back...this person now doesn't know what to say, takes my meanings totally out of conjection and we always seem to be at odds now. Lol, why stay you say? Well there really is no "staying or going" with online friends since you really aren't "real" in their life anyways. Besides, I think on both ends once you consider someone family, no matter what they do, you still have feelings and want to talk, etc but you just don't know how anymore or what to do with them (the feelings).

Christmas is in 2 weeks, I think I have all my shopping done - fingers crossed but I have no tree up, only 2 or 3 decorations out and no baking done. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! It's driving me nuts! I want to decorate, I want to play, enjoy the holiday, craft and bake with my kids, laugh and giggle and make memories. *sigh, back to work....I have bedrooms to paint and switch the next 2 days and THAN I can start some of my decorating. Paix

Preparing for being busy busy

I find myself trying to do a little Christmas craft therapy, along with my usual Christmas baking therapy that my holiday is incomplete without. Problem? Well, my kids want to join me - that is NOT a problem =] but they don't want to do the crafts I do so my pocketbook thinks this is a problem...*sigh. Why do all the good things have to have that tweak of regret when they really shouldn't? Seriously, I've been waiting for my kids to be old enough to do the crafts on their own and enjoy them as much as I do for like ....forever! I know, I need to not look at it that way (I just feel bad at the balance in the checkbook) - thankfully whilst in the midst of crafting, I simply enjoy myself and the time with my kids who are discovering the world of creativity. =]

As I have previously mentioned, this is my favorite season of the year. Christmas music - depending on the group and singer I'll grant you - brings peace, wonderful memories, and joy to my crazed life. Add this to the beautiful decorations, the feeling of giving and seeing someone truely enjoy it, the spirit of love that seems to permiate a tinge bit more in my home, and the christmas lights on the homes that turn a dreary, early winters night into bright beautiful color. There are times I admit, it is alot easier to see the beauty around you when it is so prevelant. On an anal note, if it has just snowed and the world is blanketed in beautiful, non-yellow, non-black snow - DO NOT step ON MY SNOW! Yes, lol, I admit, this is one of the weird things we all have and most don't know about. Used to make me so grumpy when the kids up the street would come to play and cut right through the yard >.<. Yes, my sidewalks are shoveled - there are those times you picture in your mind of the perfect setting or evening? One of mine has always been: either raining or gentle snow covering the ground, a fireplace, a comfy couch, afghan, and a good book or music playing while watching the weather. Yes, I am a romantic; however, it's a memory for me of peace and oneness with the world around you....doesn't everyone wish for that sometime?

I often feel that I offend people by how much I love Christmas or the Lord. However, one past friend said to me....It's just who you are and I love you so I deal with it. For those that do so...thank you. Past and present, here and there I forget but than am reeled back with the knowledge that it is part of what has shaped who I am and is an integral part of me. Therefore, my info on facebook...."I am me....love me or leave me". I am a firm believer that if you love a person, you love ALL of them- faults, differences and all.

For all my love of all things "holiday" lol, I hate when I am so rushed that I can't enjoy it and fully feel the holiday. Some may argue with me, welcome to growing up - things go faster, life gets fuller and harder. You know what, I say Nay. Granted there are times in life when you have no control over how busy you are and I can never seem to get EVERYTHING that I want to get done accomplished...BUT...I have also noticed that we always make time for what we WANT. Are we wanting to sit on the couch? spend time with our kids? spend time with friends? play are video games? Yes, I also know all too well that we all need something that helps us have a bit of "coming down" time and I'm not saying that any of things are bad...maybe just reminding myself that down time in excess never becomes anything more than that and the time keeps ticking off whether I wish it would stop or not.

I believe, I believe, it's silly but I believe...

There's nothing like a good show that reminds you of things that this crazy, past paced world makes us forget. I think I need to post the saying above a door frame or every door frame of my house. However, for me it should read: "I believe, I believe, I'm just being silly, so I believe". Believe in myself that is. It's been an interesting week and it's only 1pm on Tuesday! Kinda hate weeks like this...lol. Anyhow, my week started on Sunday, like everyone's does =P: however, it was snowing and the there was ice under the snow on the roads. I have lived in Utah all my life, I freaking know how to get around in the snow! Unless of course I'm driving a Tahoe that doesn't have a working 4 wheel drive. >.> No, no accidents - I do still know how to drive, dumb rear-wheel drive or not. We fishtailed out onto the main road - I laughed, Olivia was like 0_0 - psh. Dropped Anthony off, Ben was already there and I was running a bit late and Anthony had to be seated at the Sacrament table before the meeting started. Thank you, thank you, I did a PERFECT parellel park in front of the building, ice or no - straight in, no adjustments needed. First time in the Tahoe too, but I've also been driving a mid-size or mini-van for the past 16 yrs so size was not a problem - I have to admit though, my mirrors that rotate when I back up are GREAT! he he. I was close enough Olivia could step right out onto the sidewalk, so I waited til she was out and as I got out, looking back to ask if she was alright - WHAM! Foot right out from under me and my butt and arm met the ice. She heard my little squeal and I laughed saying "good, cuz I'm not!". Thankfully only one vehicle was heading towards us and not the normal barrage that is normally on the road with a Catholic church across the street. My pride was slightly damaged (gotta love pride right?), my arm scraped up, and my beautiful new velvet black jacket with now obvious white scrapes up the sleeve....I think I'm more ticked about that than anything - the arm is simply an annoyance at this point considering the bruise from elbow to wrist and the itchy healing scrapes. =P ...Even though this was eventful, it was not what I meant by what a great week! lol.

I actually stayed for all 3 hrs of church, even with a screaming arm. I tried to help with a screaming 10 mo old during Sunday School - she wanted Dean but than really wanted Dad not us.....than sat next to one of my friends during Relief Society to help her with her 10 mo old. The lesson was one of the General Conference talks by President Uchtdorf. It was a lesson I needed to hear...sigh. I knew I needed to hear it so I resisted my impulse to get up and leave towards the end of the lesson when nature called. (I knew I would not return) Tell me this doesn't sound like me "If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most". *sigh.. I read the quote: "When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace, or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be". Yeah, let's sum up the past 4 yrs of my life in one quote - thanks Sister Blount for handing me that particular one. Only problem is, as explained in the lesson and known as fact to me, the more frantic and the longer your frantic, the harder you fall and the worse things fall apart - which they will, for that pace cannot be maintained. Mine is the metabolism I guess that I store things up. I want to share but find it difficult; therefore, I push it down and build a wall around it. Than the foundation of the wall begins to crumble out from underneath me and I am left pounding my fists against hardened stone while having barefeet being pierced by broken pieces that have begun to fall. Thought - I just read a book that mention old time Labryinth's - I think I shall do a little research to make a full picture of this. It mentioned that the Labryinths were used in England by the church's ....if you did not focus on where you were going and doing - you would end up lost and alone (sounds familiar) but if you focused you would end up at the center..you would be at peace, having centered your thoughts and reflecting - you would also be able to than turn around and find your way out- so in a sense, re-enter the world. Everything I have pushed down and built walls around have created my own Labryinth if you will. The goal of my life right now must be not to tear the walls down, but find the opening between them - allowing myself to travel forward and not forever spin in circles.

Thanksgiving Weekend

It is the end of the long weekend. I feel I accomplished quite a bit this week: took full day training and passed, double carpool shift plus work, move niece in and fit her stuff into one location that we won't trip over (that in itself is HUGE for my house), cook Thanksgiving dinner, clean out about 1/3 of my clothes closet (DI piles already in vehicle), cook and enjoy UofU vs BYU game, and now it's almost 11pm and Sunday brings its own mix of things to accomplish. My body decided I wasn't nice and crashed early both Thursday and Friday nights....still not sure it thinks its over but oh well.

Johnny, Sarah, and Tristan joined us for Thanksgiving dinner, the watching of Ice Age 3, and a riotous game of Scattergories. Since Cherisa moved in the day before, we joyfully had her with us also. I had most of the dinner done, since my stuffing comes out of a box I always leave it for last, well this year it was forgotten - interestingly enough, not really missed.

I'm trying to stay on the positive side of things, I know I should be typing all about everything that I am thankful for this weekend. Unfortunately right at this moment I am not feeling very grateful, I'm actually feeling very peturbed and grumpy. I hate that. I know that I am blessed in so many ways, ways that most people don't notice and I'm sure in ways that I overlook also. I am very thankful for all my many blessings worldly as well as not.

Tomorrow it will have been 12 yrs since my father died....wow. I miss him. I had mentioned once going to the graveyard this weekend but alas, it was not remembered so I didn't repeat it.

Full weekend...wait it was only Wednesday!

So it's been a full week in three days =]. I was a big girl on Monday, I rode the Frontrunner into SL with Dean, met Kimberly (co-worker) on the train and at the SL station we found our bus that dropped us off 1 block from our office. Can't beat that! Okay, we could have beat it if the train had actually been on time, getting me to my training on time and not 20 min late >/. All was good though since I was just 1 out of 4 missing and the other 3 were later than me =]. We are updating our complete billing system so we all have day long trainings, with tests at the end. I just checked my email and I PASSED! Yay! I honestly didn't know if I would or not, my body is not normally up (for the DAY) at 6am and sitting in an all day training. By the time class was over I was trying to remember what they were telling me you used where since half the job functions - I don't do! Training was supposed to last until 5pm; however, there were only 5 of us in class and we all kept up pretty well. Training was over at TWO and than we had a quick review - and I mean QUICK less than 2 min....and than they gave us the test. I was the second one done and as I sat there watching the others and their MILE LONG answers, I seriously wondered if the Epic Trainer was going to be jived cuz his wife didn't pass. No he wasn't my trainer and now he can hold his head up =]. Lol, he texted me at like 1:15 pm - our break - wanting to know how it was going...."good, just a couple more things left to learn and than the test"...."okay, so you think you'll be done by 4:30?"...that's not a me question but sure! He he he he he, I texted him back 45 min later saying "I'm DONE!". That received an instant phone call....ha ha ha...."with TRAINING?" "yep", "seriously?""YES". My boss even wondered when I showed up downstairs looking for a place to work for the next hour until I met Dean for the train. But I tell ya, my poor little brain doesn't like to have me decide it isn't sick anymore >.<....around 3pm, once the pressure was off, I started to CRASH. I sat at the desk behind reception staring at my screen having to really think - first, because function keys at the office are different than at home- AHHH - and second, my brain was literally mush. I made myself stay awake until 9:30...very difficulty - and than got up and ran carpool the next morning. >.< before ="],">.>

Oh yeah >] Friday is PUT UP CHRISTMAS!!!!!! rawr...love love. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I think people can usually tell since I own mmm...30 nativities. Christmas music - the right music - can bring such a calming feeling to me that you can often find me randomly listening at any time of the year.... especially if I need calming. I love to sit in a dark room with soft christmas music and just stare at the christmas tree...it's beautiful, it's peaceful, *sigh. Enough with all this random blogging business, I need to get to bed if I'm going to be up to tell my son goodbye in the morning. To any out there reading this, I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with the people you love and hope that you may look around and know that you have a lot to be thankful for. Paix.

Early Sunday Morning

After our long week, everyone is in bed but me. The house is cold but quiet :). We got some good things accomplished today. Saturday is our only day to get anything done: laundry, shopping, chores, I'm sure it runs that way at your home also. We smashed the majority of our cans and Dean (with Anthony driving) took our 2 garbage cans and one small container full up to Ogden to the recycling center. Thankfully the price of aluminum has gone back up and it wasn't a trip wasted. It took us all summer to fill up those two cans...help from a single bachelor neighbor is nice too, but his drinking roommates have moved out so unless he has a party...I think we are stuck with our own. I keep telling the boys and Olivia to do this on a regular basis...with aluminum returning to good price, it's atleast money every month if they can get enough cans to fill the big cans.

I re-arranged parts of my kitchen today. Things were bothering me and when I don't feel good - not stuck in bed, just sick but ignoring it :) - I rearrange things. I like things better now, things won't be falling on my head or falling behind the drawer now. =] Also, they are a little more earthquake organized by having the non-heavy items on the top. My family room is still my most hated room and I'm sure will be until I can convince Dean and my pocketbook that we need new carpet. Wait....Dean knows, it's the pocketbook we have to convince. Home Depot is installing at like 47 cents labor per sq foot or something like that...I just need to have the time to know the size we need and remember to keep Home Depot on speed dial for carpet remnants. Lots to do, little time and money to do it in....ain't that the way the cookie crumbles? Paix

Facing Fears

It's been a very long, short week. Everyone in my house has a malady of some kind. I have Bronchitis/Pluresy again, Ben has strep again, Olivia has tonsilitis, and Anthony swallows a frog every morning and evening, and Dean is stressed over the top which is bringing his normal stress things around (we won't mention them so he doesn't get upset :] ). Sunday, the kids stayed home from church, Dean came home from meetings and ran Ben to Wee Care who ran the tests that said no strep, and than I went in time to teach Relief Society. Honestly? I've been teaching for awhile, just different classes but Relief Society is always scary to me. I think it's the fact that its filled with old ladies who know everything and might question or contradict what I'm saying. I doped myself up with 3 of my anxiety pills and went to teach. The lesson was on the Holy Ghost and I aimed it mainly at recognizing and understanding the Holy Ghost. Nobody asked a hard question, the sisters participated with some great comments and I am free for another month. *phew

Ben has missed school the entire week so far. He's stayed in bed pretty much the majority of the day each day which tells me that there is definately something wrong. Dean took him to our family physican today who thinks that he DOES have strep and put him on antibiotics - I hope he feels better in the morning...I shudder to think how much homework that kid is going to have >.<.

We have started watching the holiday shows on Hallmark. I love them - have most of them taped and am excited when they have new ones each year. As we were enjoying one of the new shows (Call me Mrs Miracle) I got a lovely kink in my back, under my right shoulder blade. I hate those, can't get them to go away without major acrobatics. Anyways, it started at about 9 and after 30 min and it still shooting me with sharp pains, I was getting worried. I went upstairs and used my inhaler, 10 min later I texted Dean and he said he was on his way home. Needless to say, after using my steriod inhaler, dowining ibu 800, and 2 Formula 303 (my natural muscle relaxant), Dean took me to the ER. I have to tell you, I hate Dr's, have ever since I was an infant (long story..ask later) so to me, going to the ER is embarrassing. I don't know why I feel that way but I do. Dean doesn't trust Davis Hospital (me niether) so he ran me up to the U of U. We got there about 10:25pm and left at 3am. Thankfully my pain had lessened considerably but they ran tests just to be sure, lol my insurance is gonna scream >]. End of year lets run as many tests as possible.... they x-rayed my lungs (no pnuemonia), they ran an EKG (no heartattack), and my vampire nurse pulled 7 vials of blood from me (no blood clots). Thankfully, all my results were good news and my sats (oxygen levels) were better so they prescribed me an antibiotic and steriod to clear out my lungs and sinuses. See? embarrassing, nothing wrong - yes, I can hear you, better safe than sorry. So, I am announcing to my overweight, always achey, dormant body that its time for it to wake up and shape up cuz the dr says it's fine! (sadly, it rarely listens to me =/) My friend from HS is lending me her hubby's South Beach Diet Cookbook to look through and hopefully be successful with. I went visiting teaching tonight, a mother and her adult daughter who is recently divorced (the daughter). She decided earlier this year to do the "boot camp" workout. She did it with her sister and now they continue on their own using their own equipment. She looks amazing! I seriously think she's dropped atleast 3 sizes. Now, to find my motivation - ugh.

Tomorrow I don't get my usual routine, its go into work day...drop off, pick up work, get trained on the two Epic modules that my team has learned without me, get my ID scanned for the bus, have lunch with the hubby (=] ) and than back to normal= carpool, errands, work...hate Thursdays. We've purchased Disney's A Christmas Carol and are anxiously awaiting to have all of us together to watch it - here's hoping that it's the highlight of my Thursday. Paix

Expressing Myself

Today I finally cut my hair. It's been driving me crazy for the past couple of months. I was trying to grow it out so I could have my sister perm it for me but I couldn't find any perms anywhere! Of course, since I have now cut my hair, there are 4 boxes of perms at Dicks. >.< I had to laugh when at 10:15 tonight Anthony finally said to me, "how come your hair looks like Mandy's"? Yes, I finally got the A frame haircut that is so popular. I just wasn't sure it would look good on an old fat woman - I like to HIDE my double chin not cut my hair off so you can see it better =P. So far, it's okay, I'll decide more tomorrow when I actually have to do something with it for church.

The sicky bug has poked its head up at my house. Olivia and Ben both have sore throats again and Anthony sounds like it's already gone to his lungs. Lol, his voice gets even deeper when he's sick...Ben asked him to start reciting Darth Vader quotes! ;) Dean schedule is finally starting to taper off, it will be nice to have him back on regular work hours. There is a wonderful, crispness in the air! I just picture in my head my warm oven, three different items in various array of completeness (food), and me dancing to Holiday music as my kids shake their heads and stick their hands in the bowls. Hmm...sounds good. =] I've been kind of wanting to write, yet not...maybe I was wanting to write the wrong thing...idk, but I have the urge again tonight so be warned, you may stop here or it could be a long reading night.=]

The crispness of the fall air enveloped her as she stepped off the porch. Crunching, slithering sounds greeted her as each foot fall scattered the dry leaves before her. Bundled warmly with a long sleeved shirt and hoodie, only her nose received the bite of the fall day before her. Playfully she took a kick, than maybe another as a childish smile spread upon her face. Arms flung wide, head back and eyes closed, she inhaled the scent and chill of fall.... exhilerating! Taking in her surroundings she processed the beauty and glorious life of it all. Purple mountain majesties to her East, looking that way due to a fresh sprinkling of snow along the mountain tops. Leaves still clinging to tree's, leaves on the ground, all displaying their quiet grace and brillant colors. Truthfully, what a backdrop for a painters pallet this would be.

Tired, Confused, Hurt, Sad, Reflective.....

This picture was actually Memorial Day 1999..just 6 months after my father died, as you can tell by the grass they were trying to get to grow. I know it's not Memorial day today but to me, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day both honor my Dad's life and sacrifices he made while in the service. All I want to say about Veteran's Day today is this: My father was not perfect, my father had many faults but also many great qualities. I am the person I am today because of the values he and my mother instilled in me. That includes a great love of country and even greater respect for what the flag means and the men and women who fight to keep it flying.

As you can see by the title, I'm still a bundle of emotions and what I consider stupidity. Yes, the control freak who is not allowed to be human :D, I prefer it that way. As a side note, I sit here at the kitchen table not one foot from the side door. My left hand is normal and my right hand is freezing. I would unplug my lappy and go sit in a warmer place but I am plugged in over here and I'm too lazy to move =]. There are stupid things in life to jealous of someone over...if we really knew what they went through and that we would have to do that also - would we really want whatever it is? Lol, yeah I know, RANDOM....this is the way my brain is functioning this week...think of something, doesn't fully compute but than moves on. *sigh

I teach Relief Society on Sunday. I think alot of my conflictivitis (yay new word!) has to deal with that. They are wanting something from me that I know is there, yet part of me is fighting it and refusing to let go. It doesn't make much sense to me but than again, if it did I wouldn't be conflicted would I? One of my issues is a self comparison to my mom. She taught Relief Society for years and would spend an entire month on just one lesson. Honestly? I don't even spend a week, I rely or used to rely on the spirit and inspiration. Yes, I know the lessons are different now, back than they didn't even have the little manuals just topics so you had to do a lot of research etc. I read my lesson and told Dean that the hardest thing was going to be how to make 3 pages (not 8x10 but like 7x5) last for an hour >.<. Helpful him said, get lots of participation and comments....mhm, good answer. However, on certain topics there is only so much that can be said until you all start repeating each other. I should not compare myself to anyone, I know that...I do....somewhere. It keeps trying to push it's way forward but the competitive perfectionist that wants to atleast be "just as good" keeps smacking it back and locking its door.

My forever quandry about friendship. I spend many nights rebuking myself, condemning myself, and berating. You see I have this need (according to those who really know me) to take the blame all upon myself. It doesn't matter that it was your choice or decision, somehow, I must have done something wrong that made you think that. My husband has always been totally confused by this and tried to convince me otherwise - have I ever mentioned how stubborn I am? - even a beautiful niece or two have noticed and tried to explain to me what really happened. =] I love them and I am glad that they care and love me....but to me, it's still my fault. I wish I could do as I tell others to *wink* and just forget them, they don't deserve you anyways....yeah, that would be really nice. Instead, when all is quiet in the house and everyone's asleep....my mind has way too much opportunity (cuz it's not distracted) to condemn myself. I read of people who take up running...run to get away from the emotional pain, run to not think....I want to do that. I want to get on a treadmill and last more than 5 minutes...walk around the block to visit someone and not feel like I'm gonna die when I get there. I do know, its step by baby step and resolve to not quit that makes it happen. As Will Smith has said, "I know that if you and I are on a treadmill, you're gonna get off first or I'm gonna die on the treadmill." So, can you like get on, forget something in the locker room and than jump back off to go get it?!?! :D

Blah

It's 11:20 pm and I should be done working by now....yeah well, isn't that the story of my life? I took my work downstairs so I could "watch" How to Train Your Dragon with the family but the wireless doesn't like that room and towards the end my 3 bars went to nada and therefore kicked me out of one of my programs. That program takes 20 min to reset itself - that's the one good point of switching software in November. Than of course just because Olivia needed a picture of an American Black Bear for her homework, my printer decided it doesn't print pictures and in fact, it doesn't want to print at all. Grrrrr. It printed Anthony's homework just fine 30 min before. Don't get me wrong, I love that Anthony has his own room but I am BEYOND annoyed that since I moved out of the office I cannot keep a solid way to work. Dean keeps trying things but of course, he's busy also so by the time he can help try to solve anything, I'm usually supposed to be working. ie: here I am up at 11:20 again. I've caught up with my hours for last week but my stats aren't showing it, so I am still trying to get those accomplished. I am grumpy, unhappy, annoyed, and most of it I point all directly at myself. Yes, I know I am "re"acting instead of acting, unfortunately that is something I fear I will deal with my entire life.

I'm "re"acting to something that happened last night or didn't happen I should say. No one's fault, just me criticizing myself beyond what is needed like normal. I get expectations and they make me happy and than they don't happen and I turn the fault to myself. I'm obviously not worthy of it, it was stupid of me to think, yeah, yeah you get the picture. My therapist tried her hardest to help me shut that voice up but nope, not even excercise and music blaring in my ears makes it go away and no, I don't feel better afterward. Mom used to wonder how I could do so many things at once, work, music or tv, phone on speaker, and a child in the room. How? or Why? why? so I don't have to listen to myself obviously....the quieter it is, the worse it gets. I used to feel like I had someone to vent most of it out on but she died 4 yrs ago. Friends really can't take that place, nor siblings. After a while they get fed up with how negative you get and they don't want to be around it - makes sense, I don't like to be around it. I know why Anthony is the way he is...he's like me and I'm 40 and haven't figured out how to help myself, how am I supposed to help him? I listen and I do what I can and mostly I am the mom, the one that he knows no matter what will listen to him, try to encourage him, and still love him - no matter how often or times he is negative. Yes, I know, I have a loving Heavenly Father that will do the same thing for me. I'm not stupid, I'm not spiritually dead, I'm momentarily lost and have a hole that needs to be filled. Those of you that have been there and found your way, I applaud you, those that have never been there have no idea what I'm commenting on - be glad. =] I was not always like this.... I was once strong in body and mind (ha ha okay maybe not so much in mind =P) and spirit... that's what attracted Dean to me and kept all the others away.

Anyways, I think this is the Lord's new test for me, I have a new calling. I am now one of the RS teachers. Teaching is no new thing for me I've taught the Marriage and Family Relations class, the Young Women, and the 12-13 yr olds in Sunday School. I was released from the last when my sleep deprivation started - I was not able to be there every Sunday and I felt bad for my partner. My sleeping has somewhat improved yet I now take a prescription drug that makes my mouth dry. A five minute conversation makes me sound like I'm smacking my lips >.<. I suck on life savers so hopefully the sisters won't mind me talking with my mouth full =P. I think this is the Lord's way of getting me back to attending Relief Society. My record of attendance looks pretty sparse in the past 4 yrs. That's a fully multi-page text that I've discussed before so I won't again. Again, recognizing what the real problem is, not the others around me, but myself. I tried to be my old self again today....I took a drink to a sister in the ward that lost her mom a few months back. She's been ill and on the outside appears that she's holding up much better than I. Anyhow, it was a total surprise to her which was nice. Lol, but notice how here I still am, now at 11:45pm ....trying to vent at something so that I can calm down and not cry myself to sleep tonight.

Halloween Weekend

Reading blogs =], signed up for this year's Nanowrimo 2010, finished all my fb games, and now am just delaying going to bed. I'm not sure why, I'm tired enough.

Halloween this year was boring. Dean isn't really into Halloween so all of my decorations from years past have been scaled down and I've almost gotten to the point where I don't put them up. Anthony and his friend Dan put some up for me outside this year and they passed out the candy also. I sat on my computer and answered email - said hi to parents and kids I knew - yes, I can see them from the doorway at the table. (my house isn't that big after all) The candy has already killed me when I saw that I've already gained 2 lbs. >.< psh. I took my doctor's advice ;) ha ha ha, Dr Leavitt told me to scale down so I did - I bought the Pillsbury Ready to Make sugar cookies with the ghost and pumpkin middles - sugar cookies done. I made little pumpkins but bought the icing =] done. Had friends up to watch a movie on Friday night, it was a - SQUIRREL - good time, always is with them. (yep we watched UP, they hadn't seen it)

Even with the scaling back, I still crashed hard today. ugh. The University Hospital is changing it's systems to EPIC. For forever, we have had two billing systems - one for the hospital and one for the doctors. It's confused patients for long enough and with Allegra (hosp) needing to be updated and they don't support Allegra anymore, it's time to change. This change has been in the works for about 3 yrs now. I will miss IDX (dr) dearly but Allegra coulda left LONG AGO! Starting yesterday, Sun 31st, the soft go-live took effect at 10am. Dean, being one of the trainers and Epic Certified was at work at 10am and got off at 6:30pm. He works these crazy shifts for the next two weeks. However, starting tomorrow it begins at 6:30 AM and ends for him at 7PM. Not nice at all - that means up at 4:30am. >.< Anywho, after he left bright and early I debated with myself over dragging my sicky, non-moving body out of bed to get to church. I figured I could atleast drive the kids and have a friend bring them home - however, Anthony (bless his heart) didn't get his laundry done so no one went. They sat down stairs and were erm...somewhat quiet...watching a marathon of The Munsters while I tossed and turned, moaned and groaned. I think I just might actually have to go see Dr Baxter this week and get something for this sinus infection - it isn't going anywhere but further into my lungs. =[

I've watched this season of Dancing with the Stars, mainly because Jennifer Grey is on it. She is one of my favorite actresses and she still looks great! I watch it and the old dancer in me is critical of those with no "musicality" (as they call it) and than envious of those like Jennifer who are older than me and can still dance. =[ I'm trying to get back there, just hoping my hips and back will hold out so that I can actually do something to head in that direction. It's been fun to watch and is filling in the gap nicely of my shows that currently aren't on =]. Gah, after 1am, hopefully I've wound down enough that I can just coast off to dreamland. Paix

Pre-Halloween

My last blog entry shows the up's and down's of being a mother...hoping and wishing for the best for your kids but yet having to let them find out how to do it by themselves. Some problems I still believe are a little too big when it comes to their futures....I'm still learning also. I appreciate my friends that helped to enlighten me on what works for their children. It is true they are not all the same...and to think, I used to know everything about parenting and how I would do it....BEFORE I had kids.

So it's Thursday, tomorrow I have to go into Salt Lake and am having Anthony drive me. Part of me wants to scream "WHAT AM I DOING?!?!!?" and than the other part tries to shut it up by reminding myself he needs the experience. Everyone pray for us please. >.> He has most of my wood wall completed, another small bookcase added and hopefully this weekend between Dean and Anthony, my dad's LARGE shadow box of medals will be finally put up. It's been 4 yrs...wow. Interesting how much you notice that isn't done when you can't help work on it. Ah the life of a control freak =].

We have trunk or treat tomorrow night and I hate buying goodies for regular trick or treators and the trunk or treators. Since everyone at trunk or treat knows me, I am making sugar cookies and unleashing my children on them with icing and decorations =P. Anthony was hoping his little girlfriend was going to be able to come and help pass out treats but it looks like her family has other plans.

There was something else I was going to add but alas it has escaped me for the present time. Guess I'll be back if I think of it. Paix

I simply don't understand...I don't

I don't understand how kids these days simply are too lazy to turn in the work they've done. When they have a failing grade at the end of the term it suddenly dawns on them that "OH CRAP, I'm going to have to do MORE work now - like go to night school". Ugh. I don't understand! My 16 yr old had good grades until he hit mid-year 7th grade Jr High. It was like someone told him, "you're supposed to be an idiot, so act like one" >[...grrr. With all the major stress he in at the beginning of 7th grade - turning 12 (new responsibilities at church), my mother passing away, upcoming piano recital (of which he was the "main attraction" but didn't have his piece memorized), the kid still made the honor roll! Therefore, unquestionably, I have been scratching my head, trying not to pound his head for the past 3 1/2 yrs. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!?!? He's suddenly all nervous, 2 days before end of term - so with A and B days that makes it 1 day before end of term actually, "I have to talk to my teachers, see how I can improve my grade!"....excuse me?!?! If I were your teacher I would laugh in your face...I hope they don't but still - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? I admit that my freshman year in HS I goofed off. I took easy classes - which I didn't really try very hard at and was much more concerned with my "non-social life" than with schoolwork. That lasted about 1/2 a year and than I wised up - my parents weren't happy with me. I was not allowed to bring anything home below a B-....8 kids, car insurance discounts, strict parents - you get the picture. I know that schoolwork is challenging and my husband couldn't bring home below a C - so I have to be lienent to that but I would rather not. If my grade at mid-term was below a B-, which it usually was in Science, I busted my BUTT with the teacher to see how and what I needed to do to get that precious B- within the next month. I got yelled at, questioned, and grounded if anything was below - I do nothing different with my kids - SO WHY DOESN'T IT WORK ON THEM?!?! My parents were scarier? Well yeah probably most definately but your telling me I have to make my children scared of me for them to actually CARE about anything and take any responsibility? That doesn't sound right - I have my share of parental temper tantrums at them but come on - really?

My 8th grader is FAILING HOMEROOM. Does this sound incredulous to anyone else? Homeroom?!?! Since when can homeroom give a grade besides P or F?!?!? My 8th grader is falling into the same rut as his brother. I have tried this both ways....I have pulled in the momma control strings - I have looked up grades each day, gone through backpacks, issued cell phones so that I could text BEFORE they left the building to make sure things were turned in....all it caused was headaches for me, contention in my home and I hated school as much as they. So then I tried the complete opposite....I told them they were in charge, it was their responsibility, I was trusting them....uh hunh....my oldest's gpa went from 3.0 to freakin 1.9 >.>. With a controlling mother he was atleast not going to night school but doing that makes my physically sick these days - the contention and frustration are taking their toll on me. I know there should be some other way...any way, that my children can return to the responsible little stinkers I am raising. Come on... seriously? You take the time and the effort to do the school work and than simply "forget" to turn it in?!? How is that possible when the teacher ASKS for it?!? I don't understand, I want to understand, but I don't understand. I hate mid-term and end of term just as much as my kids. They know I'm disappointed, they are disappointed in themselves...a pep talk only goes so far when it's simply because they didn't turn their work in. A pep talk I can give when the work is done and turned in....I don't know how to "pep" laziness...all my cajoling and pepping hasn't seemed to do any good. I really, really don't understand. Somebody help me? Please.

Interesting Week....I'm getting too old =P

No, by that comment I don't mean that I'm mentally or spiritually too old but that my stupid BODY is. Here is the stupid thing....my body is the way my body is due to no one's neglect but my own. I started having kids at the age of 24 was done at the age of 30. Arthritis kicked in at 23. I always knew I'd get arthritis, my mother and maternal grandmother had arthritis and no matter what anyone in my family previously had or has, since I am the last, I received all the leftover cells with all the hereditary "junk". Lol, it's a running joke in my family. I am 19 yrs younger than my oldest sibling.... do the math... James was 59 last month and I turned 40 in May. I could rattle off all the hereditary "junk" that I've accumulated (wrong word...maybe noticed?) in my past 40 yrs, but all I can see it doing is making you feel great that you don't =P, so I'll just say it all started when I was but 2 wks old with very low white blood count.

I thought I did really well when I got pregnant, let me rephrase that; being pregnant makes me sicker than a dog dying to where I'm almost hospitalized but in turn I hardly gain anything! I hear about these women that gain 50 to 60 pds when pregnant 0_0 really? why? I gained 23 pds with Anthony, 21 lbs with Ben, and 16 lbs with Olivia. Yep, I see where your headed and I concur...if I didn't gain it during pregnancy where did it all come from? I agree, I do not have that excuse. I gained 10 pds that would not budge while nursing and than just being a working mom - with every kid. So that explains 30 lbs, where did the other 40 come from? Stress, laziness, depression, need I go on? When we moved into our little house 12 yrs ago, I went from having a mirror in the bathroom where I could SEE down to my knee's, to a mirrored medicne cabinet that all I had to see was down just below my breasts. NICE!.....BAD!! Yes, I noticed my pants got tighter, I noticed I was starting to get a double chin and I tried my hardest - still do- to try to get rid of that double chin. It will take me a long while to rid myself of what's below my breast line but I hate the double chin. If someone takes a pic of me I delete it. In a picture I cannot not see my double chin - in the mirror, I can stand a certain way, etc. The person I see on film, that the rest of the world looks at? Is someone I don't recognize and someone I don't want to recognize.

My children are sweet and tell me I look fine, on some days I look great and it's taken me a long time to realize that I look great for the me NOW, not the me I still am inside, the me I expect to see when I look in the mirror or at a picture. My struggle these days isn't learning to love the person I've become but making the outside match my insides.

My control freak came out this week and is getting really, REALLY tired of the clutter around my house. Clutter do to unfinished projects that I no longer have the stamina or strength to complete by myself and my teenager has yet to get to. So, this past week I pushed myself. Ok, for most of you, pushing yourself means ran 5 miles, walked 3 miles, cleaned the whole house....I wish. My body has very firmly over the past 2 yrs informed me that I no longer contain the energy to do even small smidgens of those things and if I try, I will than not have enough energy to sleep. *rolls eyes...ugh. For me, pushing myself meant, I walked on the treadmill 30 min, danced 10 min (I miss dancing SO MUCH!), cleaned my kitchen, did 1 load of laundry, fixed dinner and painted maybe 3 ft of bathroom. My bathroom is still not finished but it should be by end of week =] and I have spent the weekend in pain. My body decided that since I was not listening to it, it would make sure I heard it. Friday I started feeling twinges in my back - psh that's normal so what? By Saturday evening - still pushing myself stuff has to get done body don't you understand that?!?!- my back was starting to seize. Yay me!! >/ grrr. So, to anyone who has read my status's on fb lately...I cannot take the time to listen to my body. I have children who need to be places, a household to run, a job that requires 6 hrs a day and than a family to try to be with somewhere in there. Therefore, off I am to take a really, really careful shower, dope myself up with pain med's again, apply an icy/hot patch, and hope that between all that and my wand I'm still moving when Dean gets home tonight....it's PUMPKIN CARVING night! (I already can't scoop a full pumpkin out, I'll be DANGED if I can't carve one now too!)

Happy Halloween Everybody- be safe!

The House that built Me....

My blog is being weird, I hope I have it straightened out now. I went looking for one picture and of course, found many others that I wanted to scan into the computer as well. =] Oh well. The photo didn't have the line down the center, my scanner must not like polariods. (funny enough, neither does my blog dictionary - ha)

I've the video and heard the song a few times: Miranda Lambert, The House that Built Me. My family being a military family I believe that I might be the only one out of eight that can make that claim on any of the homes we ever lived in. We moved to Nephi when I had just turned 8; that means that Denise was 13, Reba 15, and Mimi 16 (not quite 17). The only other one who lived in this house for awhile would be Reba. I moved out when I was 18, a month later my parents bought me a car - in my name =P (yep handed me the paymnt book and everything) and said USE IT. So I lived away from home but went home every Friday night and back to SL Sat nights - until I got married almost 3 yrs later.

There are certain things in your life that you just assume will always be a constant....your parents, their home, your spouse, and your family. Three weeks ago I found out from my brother that they were losing the house. When my dad retired due to cancer, my parents remained in Nephi for another three to five years and did volunteer work at the Manti Temple. My dad, without realizing it, asked my mom where she would finally like to live...she picked Davis County where 4 of her 8 children lived. (actually 6 of us live here now) They started building without having sold the home in Nephi. Upon my dad's death they had still not been able to sell the home in Nephi, my brother with the largest family, purchased the home from my mother. Now, after my mom has been gone for 4 yrs, the house is leaving the family also. Yes, I realize it is just a house, a tangible item that wears away with time, while my memories last forever.

I suppose, this is written in the context of the song mentioned above. Age 8 to 18 - that's the major part of being built as a person, there are many, many memories tied to that old home. Some good, some bad, some funny, and some that made me swear I would NEVER live in another small town. (and I don't.) When we first moved to Nephi, I remember seeing RED everywhere - that was the color of the carpet and parts of the wallpaper that adorned the house. Cherished memories that can be triggered or easily brought to the surface; power outages for 3 days, the natural gas truck the pulled up to the basement window, the old basement that we SWORE someone was buried behind a wall, the bats in the attic and porch top, the wonderful front porch, the REAL, sweet, cool grass during summer, the majestic tree's that surrounded and dwarfed the house, the HUGE piles of autumn leaves, the roses that lined the long driveway, the irises that lined the front fence, the painful cactus garden >.<, every Memorial Day and Labor Day as work in the yard days, family parties, frisbee's landing on the roof, the good friends, wonderful neighbors, pets, and hauntings. As with any other person, I am made up from all this and more. As the house reverts back to being empty, as it was when we moved in, I hope that someone else who has a love of all things old, will come to cherish it and build more memories for a family. ♥

The Winds of Change

Everything changes. Minute by minute, hour by hour, subtle or great, everything changes. How we adapt to that change determines our happiness.

When great changes occur we acknowledge them and find our own way to adapt...for some it may be minutes, for others years, some may never accept the change. It is the subtle changes that undermine our happiness. Tiny little things that change anything or everything in our lives. Little by little when thrown together enmass at times can create larger changes than we for saw.

Are we the type that will embrace the change and let it continue on its path? Or are we those that will acknowledge, than defy, and eventually win back what we feel we lost? There is no right or wrong answer.....no right or wrong person or feeling as each must choose for themselves what is right in their world. When all does not seem right, maybe it is time to analyse and take a closer look at ourselves.

Popular vs Influential vs Selfish

For once the thought process came and STAYED so that I could blog...wahoo! So, I started thinking about who is influential in your life, if you are more influential than you know, and than popularity zinged in. Therefore, I have taken the task to look up each word and see if you can have one without the other.

Popular: widely liked, or appreciated, sought after for company by others; of or representing or carried on by the people at large.

Influence: a power indirectly influencing people or an event, to have power over, to cause a change in the character, action or thought of.

Selfish: concerned only or primarily with onself without regard for others, a person who cares for no one.

(just for fun) Self-Esteem: satisfaction with oneself.

Alright, so we can see that the words do not relate to each other, each having a vastly different meaning. Therefore, I can only assume that it is lack of understanding, the slang of our current culture that ropes these words together. It could be memories of youth, current associations or many different items that affect this.

In High School, there were always the "popular" kids. To those of us who were not popular, they appeared to have great influence on those around them. I was one of those that was lucky enough to be "passing" friends with the majority of the populars. Did they influence my choices? My views? My behavior? No actually they didn't. However, I do declare that I am a stubborn cuss and would at that age, go against a current trend just to do it. With this in mind I am apt to believe that you could also pull into this conversation by myself, the words "Leader's and Follower's". At one time of life or another I have been taught that you will either lead or follow; it simply depends on the situation and your comfort level with it.

I suppose that my "un"comfort level with the word "influential" is what has brought this thought to task. I have been told that I am influential.....hmmm....that turns my mind to wonder of why and what must those that follow be thinking? =] (sorry - just a joke) There are times in my life that yes, I can look back and see that I took upon myself the role of leader....but it also comes to my mind of: when I led was I a good leader? were people upset by me? did I come on too strong? Yes, I realize that many leaders have the same thought patterns running their minds, atleast I hope they do - otherwise I would have to add the word "selfish" back into my mix.

My therapist several years ago thought my ideals and idea's of things backwards. I have had a few friends mention that as well. It is possible I suppose that along the road of life, our definitions of ourselves are plodded out by those around us. Not only in the "labels" that others give to us but in how we understand and interpret what has been said. I shy away from the word "influential" as much as I do "popular" or "selfish"....they seem selfish words to me. If I admit that I could be any of those words do I become haughty or selfish?

My goal in this life at this time isn't simple; for my goal is to examine they why's and what not's or these words and learn to apply them "correctly" towards myself or anyone else. Therefore leaving off any connection with words that do not help but simply hinder one's self esteem.

First Date...and other stuff

First off, this is my beautiful niece Alisha and her new husband Cory. Last weekend we drove up into Maplewood Canyon, just off of Fountain Green. There were some really beautiful tree's there and the rock formations were incredible! The actually looked like they were created or made out of that moon sand or something...just beautiful. We went back to Nephi for a wedding "after party" where they had a country band come play, good dutch oven grub and of course wonderful company since it was all friends and family. I did not get to stay as long as I would have wanted but that's okay. It was actually good that I came home when I did. We missed out on fun dancing and goofing off but the time there was very enjoyable none-the-less.

Ben went on a campout this weekend...his last as a Deacon. Surprised us since he usually doesn't like to go but demanded that he get to on this one. The quorum is a little different than the normal and he enjoys being with the boys that are there now. Olivia is up at the Adams cabin having fun with William - Dean and I took Anthony on his first date. Lol, I think I'm rather honored. How many kids do you know that would take their parents on their "first date" as a double date? Well he doesn't have his license yet so I or Dean will be driving him on any date that he goes on for the next 6 months unless he can convince Dan or Max to double with him. We headed up to Fernwood Park next to the Layton Castle. It had a fire a couple of years ago and as you can see from my picture, there is still burnt, dead wood sticking up out of the ground but also some beautiful vegetation beginning to come forth. The trail is about 1/4 of a mile and than you can continue crossing the small stream but we ended there - turned around and headed back. About 4 different pairs of cyclists passed us coming and going - a long distance runner - and other families trying to get Christmas photo's. We drove to the lower parking lot where they have fire pits and picnic tables and had our picnic. I only packed enough bread for one sandwich and I will agree with Dean that the sandwich was really good and could have eaten another. We took fruit and cookies and drinks and than just sat and chatted.

I was my typical self and before picking up Arianna I ran Anthony through his manners, pick her up at the door, handshake, nice small talk, open the car doors for her, etc etc. I have tried since they were 2 to pound manners into their heads. Even though I rarely see it at home, my boys have learned well and I am proud of them. (Others tell me of their manners when they are away from us.) Anthony has liked this little girl for almost a year; however, it wasn't until recently that she finally admitted that she has liked him back. The nice thing about the holidays being here is that there are plenty of activities around to make free dates =]. Arianna is very shy, it will take her a bit to get used to the rest of us, it took her over 6 months to get used to Anthony ;). It was a fun time today and I do believe that the first date was a success!

Not sure....hmmm

I'm not sure that all my thoughts make sense ;) but when have they ever right? Different things going on therefore different thoughts constantly at battle for the spotlight but all it is, is a mass of jumbled words. Let's see if I can assemble them into any such order. =]

I started and have now completed the first three books in the Inheritance Series by Christopher Paolini. As a writer he impresses me, such as he wrote Eragon when he was 17. I keep trying to write, I long to write. However, my imagination is impatient and I see what I want to write in sum. It is very hard to pick details out of a whole picture...I still needs learn to pick the picture apart and study it, than write it. I have completed a book, yet as I look at it, with anything a perfectionist does, it is not good enough for me. Therefore, I will look at it as though it is the premise of thought, awaiting additional idea's and instruction before it is truely complete. Alas, the book I started long ago and wonder if I should ever finish, is still only a few pages long. Somehow I wish to incorporate these two books together. I have had much thought on this but I believe it requires much more. The books I mention are first "Perchance to Love" and second, "Learning to Love Myself". In title alone you can see that they are not so much alike, yet I believe that you must love yourself before you can love another. That is my hope that will bring them together. Goodness, major digression.....I was going to conclude about the Inheritance Series that I found a passage in there that has stuck in my mind. The dragon, Saphira, says, "partner-of-my-mind-and-my-heart". I really like that and yes, it does have the hyphens in it - I don't know why.

That brings up what else has been roaming around in the dark recesses of my brain...friendship or love. I am a very firm believer in and can often be heard saying, "You cannot help who you love". I also believe there are different types of love, that all are not related to "physical affection". I love my children as their mother....fiercely, adamantly, whole heartedly and without reservation. I love my husband as my eternal companion, my helpmeet, and my steady rock in a shaking world. I love my family mostly because we are siblings. Many of my siblings are very good friends, not just siblings - anyone with brothers and sisters should understand that statement. I love my parents with my full being and realize the moments I should have cherished and will never have again. And, I love my best friend. That has been my crux if you will these past few months. Many who know me would say, "Well, Dean is your best friend, that makes sense" and it would and does; however, I have two best friends. Sometimes it is weird as I try to keep myself mentally awake and morally straight (as the scouts say =]) concerning any and all of the love in my life. If asked, I would tell you that the people in my life who love me, do so because they have to. Don't get me wrong, I know that they love me; yet as my book title states, I must learn to love myself in order to fully embrace the love I receive from others.

I was not able to listen to all of General Conference last weekend. Thankfully they have it OnDemand on Comcast, as well as the General Relief Society meeting. My wonderful neighbor made sure to tell me that this meeting was definately different than those in the past. =] She also has difficulty with Relief Society at times, coming out feeling more cross with yourself for not doing ALL that you could be instead of feeling better about what you are doing. I am told it was wonderful and uplifting, and she cried -simply because she felt loved. ♥ Good, I look forward to watching it than. =]

The difference a day makes...

I say this to no pun intended, I state this as pure fact. I also admonish the fact that there is no household quite so blessed as the one when a teenager finds love and starts believing in themself.

Saturday, we as a family were invited up to a co-worker/friends family cabin in Kamas. We have never been to Kamas and this is reported to be one of the older cabins built long ago...Dean likes that stuff. The drive was beautiful, the leaves are already starting to change in the canyons. Echo resevior was such a wonderful shade of blue, it looked clean and wow, it was a gorgeous site. It took us a bit more than an hour to get there, so really, not very long. The tahoe did great even without the 4 wheel drive working (thankfully we didn't need it!). My son, the 16 yr old grump, did not want to go on this family adventure. He was in all kinds of grumpiness when we left and he had been complaining for over a week. We found out, the 15 yr oldest of the friends, did not want to come either. She had been grumping around and doing her thing also. Well, my picture up at the top should say everything. Needless to say, they are both really happy that we "forced" them to come on a family activity and we are very grateful that they both have unlimited text! =] The cabin was fun, just the right size, had a great fire pit with old swing and lots of stumps to camp our rumps on. =] Dave made really, REALLY yummy dutch oven rolls with chicken parmesian...mmmm...and we provided the drinks, the fruit and potato salad. Their 2 yr old, Kelly is a riot! She has no fear! I think she about gave Dean a heartattack maybe oh, 15 times? ha ha ha. Becca kept apologizing and asking if Dean was okay...he he.

They have a son Brandon that is 1 month older than Ben so they had a great time with his bow shooting arrows and Ben's laser pointer....Brandon had left his home, yeah enough said. The other two boys weren't quite sure about Olivia, she fit (age wise) right in between them...so maybe after a few more get togethers they'll decide each other is okay. The kids took the dog and the baby on a walk, the adults tried and almost succeeded in playing a board game and than we cleaned up and headed our ways. It was a great day with awesome friends. =] Thanks Dave and Becca!

Our evening was not over however, for as we approached Coalville we took note of a SUV Navigator that was passing us. It didn't take long for us to start worrying as he literally almost sat in the back of the truck in front of him, kept swerving into the pull off (like to see around them), drove down the center on and off and just generally was drunk. Dean called 911 and we followed him until the UHP pulled him over. Dispatch had asked us to and we dared even get close enough so that we could read his license plate for them. It's not always nice to be so blind >.<. Thankfully the cop that U turned in the grassy middle was very nice and actually saw the drunken driving and could smell the alcohol. That meant we didn't have to stay, didn't have to file a compliant, and Dean didn't have to go to court to testify. I must say, it was a scary occurance! I would be nervous if it were just me but to have my whole family in the car and know the percentages and so forth that occur with drunk drivers here....I just wanted Dean to back waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy off and stay that way. We all cheered when the UHP turned on his lights and pulled the guy over...=] it was like one of those scenes in the movies where the good guy wins=].

My nose is itching............

My mom was from Mississippi....therefore, we grew up with the silly superstitions - knowing they were silly but still said them anyways. Like my nose is itching, supposed to mean that someone is thinking of me. Interesting, I usually just say "It's my hubby" that keeps it safe and sound and out of trouble >].

Interestingly enough, when I am in a good mood I normally don't want to write. I figure there isn't anything to write about. he he I'm sitting here in the family room (the room I hate) because my wireless is being stupid and helping Ben with his homework before I start doing my work. His english assignments are plays on words, which makes you think - he hates that. =] I am very impressed with my children thus far in the school year. School just started I know; however, in the past that could still D's or F's simply because not enough assignments were recorded or turned in. They all seem to be trying hard and doing well =], let's hope it lasts!

I sit here (in the room I hate) staring at an incomplete project (grrr) that I am just going to HAVE to fit in somewhere. All the clutter in this room is getting to me....UGH I HATE IT~! Working on it =] =] =].

Idjit

Nope didn't spell it wrong it says "idjit". My word for an idiot but doesn't quite sound as mean, especially since I'm normally referring to myself. =P

Decided I would come blog to get all the junk out of my head before I even try to go to bed. I foraged around the kitchen for something sweet and actually found something! A frozen Twix....om nom nom, did you know that frozen twix are easier to dissect? :D Nope, I don't have a diet coke either =0, k everyone up off the floor and knock it off. I got up a little after noon today; had a night like I haven't had in ages - tired, restless legs kick in - wander like a zombie around and around the house- drink milk, stretch, try the couch....yeah it wasn't a whole lot of fun until 4am.

Susan and Lyman bought a new bedroom set - heavens, months ago - so Dean and I finally went up last night with our trailer and took the two "towers" as they were called. I have plans for our two night stands so no D.I. trip there- yay! Can I just say that my house is cluttered and I can't stand it anymore! Okay, I just got a coke out ...shup. My children don't seem to understand that our house is SMALL 1400 sq ft. I have friends (and family) that could fit my house into their homes and still have room left over. I am not complaining so don't misread that. I simply have no garage and no storage except for a crawl space. I'm going no where NEAR that crawl space >.< Dean doesn't even want to (that says ALOT!). Dean would love to sell our home and buy a bigger one - one that maybe has a garage and oh my gosh!- more than one bathroom =P. I; however, grew up in home that was 6000 sq ft upon completion. No thanks...I hated cleaning that house and it was only my mom and I for most the time! We have HUGE backyard that is green weeds (not lawn), 2 overgrown-not treated- we want them GONE- plum tree's, and a rickety old shed. The kids and the dog LOVE the backyard, it's great to run, play football, baseball; it's the reason we bought the house - we have 2 boys. We have lived her 12 yrs and we still have done nothing with the backyard. *sigh* Since I refuse to move (was I talking about clutter?) Dean has decided it would be great to build on. He would extend into the back yard with a bigger kitchen, a REAL family room, master bedroom with bath and a garage. Yep, I do have room for that in my backyard and I would still have some left over! =] I'm just hoping that maybe - possibly - some of it - could get done before Olivia is off to college. Maybe not, it would be bigger to have kids families come back =].

Olivia has lost her glasses. >/ I think I jinxed it. I went to pick up my new contacts on Tuesday and they were asking about her frames coming in so they could put the new rx in. I had made a comment about unlike my boys, she was the only one who hadn't had to get new frames >.<. Really?!? I KNOCKED ON WOOD...geesh. I started cleaning her room but Dean made me stop...erm, it was only 11pm and she wasn't asleep....oops. Psh....since I can't organize cuz everybody is ASLEEP but me =/ I turned my rearranging - fixing mood to my farm on Farmville which is on fb. It looks pretty dang good right now I must say =]. Yay, I'm getting tired. =]

12 yrs and we've never replaced the carpet, only 1/4 of the house has been repainted - but I do have a 4 yr old kitchen and bathroom =]. Yeah, they still aren't finished either - shup! They are functional, I'm just saying that yeah, my backsplash isn't up, my crown molding isn't up, the framing needs to be touched up and Dean/Anthony's paint splotches need to be removed. You ever get to that point where you can't take the mess/clutter anymore so you binge?!?! Yeah, I'm there... too bad I don't have the money I need to fix it all at once. =] Line upon line...it'll get there.

Sigh....Really?

It's Tuesday....only Tuesday...huh. It feels like it's been an entire week or more. In my not so perfect world like any other mother I deal with my children's problems also.

My mama bear claws came out yesterday at a selfish 16 yr old girl. Yes she's cute but really? My son is not ugly, he's super sweet, way too nice and for it he gets walked over time and time again. This doesn't help much with me trying to bolster his already non-exsist self esteem. ugh. This mom is at a loss, he deserves better but if the kids around him aren't going to admit that, there is little I can do or help with.

Sigh #2....Ben. It's week 4 of school and I thought we were going to not have the problems we did last year. Silly me. They didn't go away but his new pills seemed to be working for 3 weeks straight I got him out the door with no crying, no panic attacks and he was great after school. Really? He started again yesterday...crap. Nothing like major drama at 7am in the morning, every morning. >.<

Olivia is sick with a fever and home also. This really isn't too bad since my kids can really take care of themselves. I went to bed late Monday morning and she got up shortly afterward....ugh. One of those fun mom things. It would be more fun if my body still decided it could handle that but it doesn't handle half of anything anymore and its really, REALLY beginning to annoy me. How am I supposed to be a good mom, a good wife, a good employee and all the numerous other things if my body can't handle me going grocery shopping by myself? I mean really?!?! That's my word for today....REALLY?!?! It seems to fit most of the situations going on =P.

I'm not looking at my world and saying why me, I looking at it and saying really?!? REALLY? Fine. I mean what else can you say? It's life, it happens, you could hide under a rock and be the most selfish person in the world but I'm not made that way. I don't look at that as a bad thing in fact once upon a time, I could handle all this and more...sigh.... ah pooey.

9/11 is not forgotten...Happy Birthday Daddy

Many conflicts of emotion today. Before 9/11 became 9/11, September 11th was my father's birthday. It was the day I was wanting Olivia to be born but instead she came on the 10th, my brother James's birthday. My father passed away in 1998, 12 yrs ago this coming Thanksgiving (28th).

My dad instilled in me a great love and reverence for country and state. He, among many others that do so currently, put his life on hold and on the line so that I could enjoy the blessings of freedom today. I sit here in a crowded, messy family room - watching a football game on TV. I have internet, wireless internet, cable, computers, pets, food on the table, jobs for my husband and I, and a roof over our head. Many people in the United States alone do not have those blessings or priviledges, let alone the world.

Nine years ago today I was working in my office, a kindergartner in the other room watching TV, and a one yr old in a walker with her brother. My husband calls and tells me to turn on the TV and wants to know if they are giving any more information from the rumors going around. I walked in, took the remote from my son and have never been the same. As I sat down, I simply could not stand anymore, my 5 yr old wanted to know why I was crying. To him, he thought I was watching a movie and it was a "cool" effect...than I told him it wasn't and that there were real people in those buildings that would not have had time to get out. I'm not sure what his little understanding made of that but it definately made an impact. I don't need to watch the documentary of it on the History channel but I think I will have my kids watch it after the Utes game. I say I don't need to watch it simply because it's burned into my brain, into my heart, and into my emotional being. We can't take the pain away, the loss, or the damage done to millions of families not just in the United States but from other countries as well. American's were not the only ones killed that day, but it was an attack on American soil...directed straight at the American people.

I was happy to see a street full of flags as I drove to my sisters today. I was saddened that not ALL streets and houses had flags flying. Yes the war on terrorism has lasted nine long years, but can we honestly say that it will ever end? Our rights and priveledges that our brave men and women leave their families to protect and that brothers, fathers, sons, and husbands have protected from the first time they landed on North American soil....they give us the right to criticize them and our government. Kind of an aximoronic thing isn't it?

Rise and Shine.....do do do do do do do....♫

Don't know why that song just popped into my head but okay. It feels like FALL today and I LOVE IT! Just cool enough to get away with wearing a hoodie, windows in the house open, windows/sun roof in the Tahoe down....this is MY kinda weather!

Tomorrow is Miss Olivia's birthday. She wanted a slumber party but pretty much all of her friends, even her cousins, have soccer games on Saturday. Therefore, figuring out what to do for her isn't going to be easy. One brother is going on a scout campout, the other has dress rehearsal for a concert the next night. If it were Christmas time I could say Bah-humbug =P. She wanted a "camp" theme for her bay- a what? Psh. The cake should be easy though, I'm making a it a tent and than adding little monsters. I'll post pic's after it's decorated, it's in the freezer right now. I would really love to start learning how to use fondunt. I have a recipe in my cake decorating book but it was published in England and some of the ingredients I've never even heard of. 0_0 Think a puruse the internet tonight now that my printer acknowledges my laptop again. My cute niece has started her own cake decorating business....her cakes are so cute! I love the monkeys on the bed, it's my favorite.

So, another $100 down toward my child's education. I printed out a "customer statement" from my school district's site. It has all three kids, doesn't count lunch, but tells you how much money you've paid to the schools since the beginning of this school year. It even includes cash or check that the secretaries at the front desk take. Here I thought last year was bad with Driver's Ed for Anthony >.> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! With the purchase of the Texas Graphics Calculator that the Algebra 2 teacher demanded each child have, not including school clothes, paper or that junk, I have now spent $300 in 3 weeks for only Anthony. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who said I had $300!!! For Ben I believe we've spent about $90. >.> I hate "free" public school. On the upside, Olivia IS FREE, except for the treats for class parties and any other donation you wish to give the classroom. I have one more year of paying the Jr High and the HS, than I have just ONE yr of HS, than I go back to Jr High and HS for the next 2 yrs than just One in HS. Yes, I am that old. My oldest is a Junior is HS 0_0. I remember being a Jr.....crap he shouldn't be that OLD! and neither should I!

Insanely Tired

Ever have one of those lives where you are soooooooo tired and your body is ready to crash but your mind starts coming up with the BEST idea's EVER! Ya, WHY?!?!?! I would like to flip a switch that takes all those thoughts and "stores" them for later in my brain so that I can get some great sleep and not feel guilty. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I tell myself to shut up, I refuse to get up and eventually - who knows when, my brain minds me and I fall to blissful sleep. Erm, yeah let's go with that. >.< I've heard of authors and musicians who sleep with a note pad next to their bed for when they get inspiration in the middle of the night. Yeah there is one there for me but see I have this nagging, yack yack yack brain that just keeps going and going...I think it'd out run the energizer bunny if there were a contest. I do know that it definately lasts longer than my arthritic hands trying to write stuff down that comes pouring out in the middle of the night - or in this case, mid morning when I am trying to catch some zz's. So what is so profound that I got up, came down here yet still wishing I was in bed? Good question! Now that I have started to write this, the good stuff that sounded great and inspiring for my Learning to Love Myself book......well, yeah it's POOFED! grumble grumble grumble However, I would bet you apples to oranges that if I went back upstairs and laid down, it would come back. I however, am too tired to mess with it, if I go back upstairs I stay and no I'm not taking the computer with me! nah