Quick trip to Oregon ...than Memorial Day

So we left around 9:30am Friday to head straight to Pendleton, OR to surprise my inlaws for their 50th wedding anniversary. It's green and lush and the blue mountains are always so beautiful. However, its an 8 hour trip going and a 9 hour trip coming back home. My 3 kids plus the dog and 1 cousin on the way headed add her brother for the way back. We were squishy and cramped and for the most part the kids did great. The boys had their Ipods and everyone had the portable dvd player but the girls still were girls and fought on and off the whole way home. It was nice when my daughter would fall asleep. I've always said over the past 19 yrs that if we could just cut Idaho out of the picture it would be a much shorter, much more pleasant ride. Lol; therefore, this is what we saw for 4 hrs of the trip each time.
It was wonderful to see Dean's grandma...she's turns 90 at the end of July.

I think I'm going to end here tonight I spent 3 hrs weeding today and I am extremely tired so I'm hoping that if I take my ibu 800 and my sleeping pill that next thing I know it will be tomorrow. =]

Memorial Day Weekend

It's Memorial Day weekend....I will not be at gravesides but my flag will be flying on Monday. It took my mom a couple of months to go to my fathers grave after he died; however, it's now been years since I have been to my parents graveside. I think about it, every time I drive to work I look up at the mountain where they are buried and think about them and how I don't have any time this time to go see them ...again.

=] I wake up in the morning tomorrow and head to where I didn't want to go, spending money I do not have =p, with a van load of kids that will be bored before I even hit the highway. YAY me - lol. It's my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary - quite an achievement in this day and age and for them personally. They have seperated and gotten back together and have now hit a wonderful milestone. Scary these days how nothing lasts. I admit I am a hermit of withering choice...if I go out I love it yet if the choice is not placed before, sit I will. Why do I bring that up? Within the past 2 months of my wanderings outside my shelter, I have heard of 3 or 4 neighbors getting divorced - that's all within a 3 block radius! >.< I thought tough times were to bring people closer together, not give them a reason to pitch tail and run. *sigh*

So for anyone checking every now and than on my book- lol you haven't seen any rewrites because I have no reposted them to the blog. I have not hit writers block - yet something more of feeling as though the story changed and now I am not sure what I am writing....weird.
Maybe sleepless nights within the coming days will provide me some inspiration or I could simply start and finish the Michael Crichton book I got at the library today. =] We'll see how long my laptop battery lasts for the car ride tomorrow, how long my sanity lasts and how long I can keep my eyes open through Idaho......*yawn.

I'm 40...really? REALLY?

Okay, its the 27th so I officially have to say that I am now 40 yrs old. I don't feel 40! ugh. Hopefully I got my mom's gene's - she didn't look or act her age until she hit about 70 and only than because she got ill. It's funny the perception we have of ourselves. I hate looking in the mirror - I do not see the person that I feel I am, I always get rather disappointed. I blame that for my getting fat - lol. As long as my clothes fit and I couldn't see myself in the mirror I was good - until we redid the bathroom and got a bigger mirror >.< booooooo.

I was originally supposed to spend my bday in Nephi - where I grew up. Not that I wanted to turn 40 in Nephi lol but Loreta Whicker is retiring and it was to be her reception. Well, they moved it to Mon the 24th and I didn't sleep at all Sat night nor Sunday day so I pretty much slept through it and didn't go :(. So I moved to alternate plans and intended to go spend the day with Steph and surprise her. Eyah, I'm just gonna stop making plans - I never seem to be able to keep them. *sigh*

I honestly swear I am either turning Bi-Polar or am definately in Peri-Menopause, now that I'm 40 will you test me?!? jimminee. So on the evening of the 25th around 5pm it had been a good day. No mood swings, getting things done- yada yada....until 5. I have no idea what happened at 5 o'clock but I hit below dirt. I felt bad about it but couldn't do anything to prevent it or pull myself out of it. I took my extra anxiety pills - nothing. I felt bad cuz my daughter wanted to give me a hug- I wanted nothing to do with her, my son wanted to drive home- I wouldn't let him, one of my friends on fb tried to chat but I was taking the chat the wrong way- I wasn't in the mood to be playful, a couple of friends on msn tried to see what way wrong - I ignored them. Ugh....I don't get that mood often and I'm really glad because it scares me and I hate it with everything I have. I wanted to not be touched, not have any one around me - I even tried to go sleep on the couch but it wasn't comfy like normal so I went upstairs and was grumpy in bed. Needless to say I felt like crap this morning! My head hurt, my chest hurt, my sinuses hurt, and I was still grumpy - but not as bad. So, I stayed in bed (nice to have the day off =] ) and didn't get to Steph's =[....yeah that added to the mood- I'm such a good friend...not. Anyways, so Happy Birthday to me, I'm the poop at the party lol.

I was really surprised at how many ppl said Happy Birthday on fb. Really surprised....it was nice. =] and a couple of really good friends sent me some funny bday emails and songs - that helped -Mel decided not to hate me for ignoring him (♥) and actually had me laughing within the half hour. Linda and Dave surprised me by coming up for dinner with us and bringing me a cake. =] and than it was off to the final band concert of the year. The first I've actually been too this year >.<>]. I turned rice into flour and thus got rice dust ALL over my kitchen - oops and made up another batch of Quinoa. Tomorrow I must make bread (ok later today), cookies, cash checks, do laundry - yeah, I'm gonna need that Quinoa.

Another Sabbath Day Asunder....

So its been a rather emotionally stressful week - I know, when isn't it it seems at my house. This week was a little different - different emotions. Anthony's Eagle Project got approved - WAHOO! (good emotion) he starts on it as soon as school gets out. He is remaking the video aids that the Elementary School Counselor uses to teach the kids values. Its easily a 100+ hr project with him doing what he loves, filming, editing and directing. =] Anthony also has been having a difficult time passing his 1 night school class. He's passed 3 already but this last one is giving him angst- therefore he is very frustrated and discouraged and afraid he may have to take summer school which would put pressure on his Eagle Project and the possibility of a job. (tense emotion) Benjamin came down strep AGAIN this week and missed almost the entire week of school. (frustrating emotion) His strep keeps getting more frequent with worse symptoms each time. Missing school just adds to his missing assignment frustration and bad grades when he knows he can do better. He is looking towards a tonsilectomy this summer. (not sure emotion) Olivia is Olivia and a mini-version of her mom, not necessarily a good thing. She has had a school performance that she's been excited about for weeks but been scared silly about also- she's has been stressing over the school spelling bee- friends and church activities. Typical 9 yr old little girl stuff - atleast I hope. 0_o Dean is in process of becoming certified in one of the software programs the U is changing to this fall. He has had to take numerous tests and complete projects - along with heading up 3 projects at work, his calling as Executive Secretary in the Ward and kids stress and a wife who still isn't well. (major stress) Me? I still am not sleeping....I thought that was changing - they put me on steriods last week to try to cleanse a lung infection but when I went off the steriod the wheezing came back =P. I did sleep somewhat better this past week which of course was offset by the fact I slept not at all last night and have maybe slept 2 hrs today =D gotta love it. Some of my stress was relieved this week when I got to cry. I don't cry as easily as I used to. But when I found out Wed that my best friend from HS had surgery for Thyroid Cancer - it just wasn't stoppable. I know it isn't my place to tell the Lord what trials I will and will not have but really? Can I just keep some of those I love around me?

Haha - yeah like the country song says, "sounds like life to me" and it is around here. =] Nothing new, (except the friends illness) same old same old.

I taught RS on Tues night - interesting. I haven't been to church meetings except maybe once so far this year. Saturday and Sunday are my crash days when there is another adult at home and I am allowed to sleep - my body takes full advantage unfortunately. It didn't go too bad since I was teaching a mini lesson on visiting teaching being that I am the visiting teaching co-ordinator. The other mini classes were fun to listen to - yes- I stayed - I know everybody fall over =P. I simply worked well into the next morning - again, nothing new.

So I believe I know what causes idiotic mid-life crisis - as I hit my mid-life (I hope) this week. (meaning I hope its midlife not sure I want to live to be 80 but you understand) I'm not where I thought hoped I'd be at this age. Lol, yeah I know - since when does life go the way anyone plans it. I never really had plans, I've always just kind of let the Lord take me where I've needed to be. I'm talking about myself personally. I've never wanted to be this overweight - I've never wanted to be emotionally changed more than I was as a teenager, especially not at this age - and many other things. Of course, most of it is my fault. When Dean and I married - I had a gym membership and I went every morning before work. When the company closed its memberships I simply stopped going. I lived in downtown where it isn't easy or sometimes safe to go riding a bike or walking alone. Yet for many years after I started having my kids I told my dad - I really need to start lifting weights again......well we can see that never happened. There are most things about your life that you cannot control - you can only control how you react to them. I fear in this area I have let myself down but than I try to remember that when your down the only place to go is up =].

I believe the technical term is....Stupid.

Well the first stupid thing is my internet. I'm supposed to be screaming and I'm moving slower than dial up >.> - gah. Good thing I'm procrastinating and not working or I'd be more than a little peeved and fed up.

So my goal of being fabulous at 40 didn't work..LOL...I keep dreaming -now I've decided I'm 40 for a WHOLE YEAR right? =]. Things are in process so hopefully all of it will come together and not only will I be looking fabulous weight wise but also sleep wise with no dark circles under my eyes ;]. Cross your fingers and toes too.

So I sit here and have to wonder about my life. Certain instances that keep occuring, pain felt, and I just have to say ...ugh. I mean I wouldn't change who I am for anything, I could do without a few trials but hey, couldn't we all? I'm talking about things that make me who I am that can benefit a person or really hurt me. Okay lets get this straight, I'm not being egotistical, I'm being honest. There is something about each of us that attracts and helps others. We do not attract all, usually only those that we can benefit. Me? I'm too trusting...too gullible...too nice (at times - depends on the day and who you are) and I usually don't know how to say no.

Over the past 15 yrs my life has changed from busy executive stressed with migraines every weekend to work at home mom running carpool, etc - still stressed - still with occasional migraines. Life has been interesting since moving to work at home - there's me, my computer, and up until 3 yrs ago - a child under foot 24/7. No office chatter, no hey lets take break, no break chatter - well you get the idea. I used to call my mom and my sister (work at same office) most every day (they worked in home also) and would chat away for hours - for both of us it was our "office" chatter. =] Tv's in the background, chit chat, silence - it was nice. Than about 4 yrs ago I changed I guess. Now its just me, my computer, upside sleep patterns - if there is sleep, and almost no outside contact at all. Most of the time I'm just too tired to care, I notice its just me -I've never been a fan of my own company =] - but I just have to shuffle through cuz things have to get done. I've made online friends in the past four years - some have come, some have gone - some have come, gone, come, gone and come again lol. I will say it now...I the recovering perfectionist is...A PEOPLE PLEASER. I absolutely hate confrontation. Don't get me wrong - DO NOT cross my path because an icy tone accompanies the major horomonal rush that gets me beyond mad - I get angry. >.< I have learned over the years that anger is not a good thing. Combined with stress it is actually hurting me. So, I turn my attention to others, I try to help them, I'm sure they don't want to be but for a short time, they put up with me. =]

So the stupidity? Really isn't. I need to keep believing in people - its who I am, I need to keep trying to be nice - its what I need, but I think I can do without the gullible part. People are different, not everyone is the same - I believe we are here to learn to co-habitate. I don't want ppl just like me, wow I would ANNOY myself non-stop =D.....I feel we should learn to love people for who they are - not who we want them to be. We should expect to be loved for ourselves - not what people expect of us and we should enjoy the differences that we have to offer.

I love the people in my life for who they are to ME...not to someone else. ♥

Early Sunday Morning

The house is quiet at 1:47 am...there are times I like this. Peace and tranquility, settling down to hopefully go to bed soon.

So many arguments and contention in my home between the kids. I know somewhere I said I could handle this but enough is enough! One day, just one day without arguements or squabbles or accidental happens would be such a marvelous day. Haven't seen one of those seriously since the first time we went to Disneyland. The kids didn't argue, they agreed on rides, they took turns - It was HEAVEN...yes it made that the happiest place on earth for me that time. However, the next time, they were back to being pills. Grrr.

So next year is our 20th wedding anniversary. I decided it needs to be something big since everyone in my neighborhood and other friends are all getting divorced. So, I figure these days, 20 is the new 50 yr congratulations mark! My parents were married 49 yrs before my dad died - they would have made it to 50 and beyond and I guess they still are considering we believe that they are still married after death and together. That would make them having been married 60 yrs in November. =] Dean's parents 50th wedding anniversary party is in Oregon at the end of this month. We will be traveling up to have a family party to celebrate with them. I can't wait to see Dean's grandma - Eledice. I've missed her and have been thinking about her quite a lot lately. I'm really hoping that she is doing well and has no intention of leaving anytime soon since I'm supposed to sing at her wedding and these days my asthma makes me sing like a frog >.>.

Reba, Amy and Emily's birthday's were all on the 10th- Happy Birthday Ladies, I love you ♥. HS friends bdays, Shane, Shawn and AnnMarie all on the 3rd, Angela on the 30th. Mimi & Bruce's anniversary was the 2nd, James and Judy's the 3rd, Wes and Emily now the 5th. However, we still have Sarah whose bday was the 12th ♥ happy happy lady! Cherisa's on the 20th, Susan's on the 22nd, Heather's on the 28th, = Dean's was the 2nd and mine is the 26th. I'm sure I've missed some others - no wonder my mom wanted May to dissentegrate. :) This year on my birthday, I'm taking my personal perference leave and heading back to Nephi. AHHHH - they're taking me back to Nephi on my 40th birthday! How cruel. lol. I only ever had 2 teachers that made a huge impact on my life and anything that deals with them, I will show up to. First was Mr. G - President Greenhalgh/Mr Greenhalgh which ever you wanted to call him. He was my science teacher from 7th grade through 11th when he retired. I was his TA in both sophmore and junior years. Such a wonderful man - even after he retired he still would seek me out in church to make sure that my preparations for my sterling scholar were on track and would give me idea's. He was a friend of my parents and made it to my dad's funeral - I was the first he sought out- I love that man. The 2nd was my history teacher from 10th-12th grade. Not only was she the history teacher, she was the academic decathalon advisor, the cross country trip guardian and the general. She drove a harley to school when weather permitted, she is built like a german lady, short grey hair, great smile and you LEARNED when you were in her class - and it wasn't boring. She took some getting used to but I will never forget this woman and what she has taught me, Loreta Whicker. I figure while I'm in Nephi - I'm arranging for carpool just in case - that I would see about calling on some parents of friends I haven't seen in over 18 yrs - spend some time with other friends that show up at the reception for Ms Whicker and maybe go to lunch with a nephew and niece -or brother if he deems himself to be around =P.

So, I've been using Pat's back up wand for the past 2 weeks now. I feel guilty having it but she insists and since she has another for herself, I have agreed. The only thing I can figure is that it works like magnets - it manipulates or puts back into harmony, your energy field over the area needed. My chest hasn't ever gotten better since my last sinus infection - the wand has helped draw more of that out so I was able to go to the dr a couple of days ago and get a short term steriod that IS helping clear all the final crap out of my lungs. Actually, I think its helping my sinuses too - WOW, 2 for 1, who can complain! =] I've also started eating Quinoa (keen-wa)..its a Peruvian grain I guess you'd call it. It's about the size of a seed, has a nutty, seedy flavor. However, it is easily digestable, no gluten, no wheat and you can add it to food, eat it plain, or replace it with your pillaf or such. My zoner has discovered that for the past 1 1/2 yrs that my energy level is running at 30%. Not much energy to do anything and if I did, I was drained and out of it for the remainder of the day. Something is sapping about 40% of my energy but I can't afford my herbs that will help that yet - so I'm eating the Quinoa. Just a couple of tablespoons a day and I have ENERGY! I don't like the taste but I LOVE the side effect and will therefore continue to choke it down for the rest of my days. =P This dr I saw other night also prescribed for me a different sleeping pill. It worked the first night, last night it did shut my brain off, but not my body >.< so I slept ONCE I got to sleep...bah. I will continue to try it, and I am yawning - yes! Hopefully that means within the next 15 min. 2:30 am is TONS better the 4:30 or 8:30.

Mother's Day

Today was nice and quiet but I've been soooo tired, wish I felt better. Dean bought me an arrangement of different colored roses yesterday and we went to dinner at MacCool's. An Irish Public House in Utah flavor - lol so not as riotous or filled with smoke. The kids loved it, their first time there. I received cards from the kids and a card and book I'd requested from Dean. =] "The Remarkable Soul of a Woman" by Pres Uchtdorf.

Anthony and I watched some Welcome Back, Kotter episodes ;)...Dean and the kids watched some Fraggle Rock and Peanuts episodes while I napped. Turkey breast sandwiches and Cheesecake for dinner =] yummmm oh and of course Diet Coke. ;) The boys leave for scouting Jamorall this weekend up at Golden Spike Fairgrounds overnight and Olivia has her first "non-cousin" friend sleepover for a birthday party. =0 YES, Dean and I have Friday evening to ourselves! =0 lol, hopefully I will have work done and be feeling better so that we can do something fun =D.

I love the show Undercover Boss. I thinks its great that either things change for the better or the boss figures out what a complete jerk they are - either way, its great for the minions to finally be heard and seen. Lol, speaking as a minion for many, many years. ;) However, one of the things that the boss said today hit me. I hadn't thought of it that way and I need to remember it. Dan McCann (I think), COO/President of 1-800-Flowers - his father died after a 3rd surgery for cancer. He said that he had talked to his dad before the 3rd operation and his dad didn't want to do it - but instead of looking back and saying he is responsible for his father's death because he talked him into the surgery, he looks back with pride saying that his father fought to the end and never gave up.

That is one of the "guilts" I have carried for 4 yrs. My mom didn't want to have another back surgery but she was in constant pain, grouchy because of it, and uncomfortable no matter what she did. My kids didn't remember grandma happy or laughing - it broke my heart, both for them and for her. She would say that she wasn't ready to go, she wanted to be around for her grandkids - but I had to remind her, what good was she when she wasn't doing what she wanted with her grandkids and was always grumpy with them. Yeah, I hope I didn't sound that harsh but those were roughly my comments. She was trying to decide whether or not to have surgery - I put in my two cents. I know its egotistical to think that my "say" had anything to do with her decision - she was a full grown woman of 72 with 8 kids, 35 grandkids, and 13 great grandchildren - I don't think just "one" voice was heard. However, after someone is gone - you can't but help think back on things you said, didn't say or didn't do. From now on I will do my best to think instead that my mom fought with her all to still be here for me and my kids - she didn't give up on trying to become again the grandma that she wanted to be or them to see. I will add this to my list of positive memories and try to make her proud of me by being the mom she raised me to be. ♥

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My Mom ♥....

So its officially Mothers Day 2010. I've put off typing this for as long as I can, because I really want to type it...yeah, you'll understand. This morning started off earlier than normal for me - woke up around 10 am, went back to sleep, got up around noon. Hopefully my body will catch up with sleep before it sets me back to not sleeping until the next day again. About mid-afternoon it hit me...today's the 8th. I had slept past the worst memories of that day 4 yrs ago, the feelings are still there and if I think too hard, the images return also. Drugging myself up has only taken the edge off, yet I would never want to not miss my mom, so that's okay.

People are born at different times and stages of a mother's life. Therefore, the same children in a family will respectively know a different side of the same mother. Being the youngest of 8 children, born when my mom was 39 yrs old...I saw a different side than most of my brothers and sisters.

This is my mom..............
My mom was playful, funny, yet stern and commanded respect. I remember after running out of yardsticks to swat me with ( =/ erm, did I say I deserve my children? =P she had BROKEN all three on me cuz of my hands) she resorted to tiny tree sticks. Many of you today would say that is abuse - I say, no - I was that bad, stubborn and onery and deserved it....AND I finally learned my lesson. When it was time to play we had a ball, when it was time to study or be serious - you were expected to be so. People would ask me, who are you more afraid of...your mom or your dad? Always? My mom, yes Dad was ex-military but he was never home - MOM was!

I never knew the young actress she was in High School - but she helped me with my dramatic interps all through my HS...she was a great coach. She encouraged me in all my endeavors and paid for those they could afford....for me...that was alot. I took Dance for 10 yrs, Select Choir for 4 yrs with 2 uniforms, Academic Decathalon for 2 yrs with travel expenses, HS musicals with pick up times, Close-Up in Washington DC, and 2 Miss Teenage Pageants. I'm sure there is more I did, she was always busy. She made all my clothes until I graduated from HS - my first store bought "church" dress wasn't until I was a Senior. I think she was hurt by the look on my face but I hope she understood too - the something I had never had. I sure wish I had her talent. When I started elementary school she started working as a Teachers Aid/Playground Monitor so that she could be at the school with me. When we moved, the new school didn't use those, so she opened up her own fabric store...Terry's House of Fabric on Main St, Nephi, Ut. We were allowed to pick any pattern and any fabric for the clothes she would make us...and Denise would pick 3 patterns and have her make one thing - a little bit of each =].

She was a woman who was moved constantly with my Dad in the military. I learned from her how to fix many things and that you can get along just fine if your man is not home. She didn't know how to cook when she met my Dad and always hated cooking. Yet we had dinner at the dinner table every night - we never went out to eat. When she and Dad were first married they had no money. Once most were gone and only a few of us were left, my Dad had a good job and we lived very comfortably. I couldn't just go and buy what I wanted, but I could usually get away with adding things to the cart. =] My Mom LOVED shoes. When she passed, she owned over 200 pairs of shoes. Yes, she had worn them all. My Father had a special shoe closet made just for her shoes - most of which he had purchased for her and brought home. Mom and I would go shoe shopping and the motto was always...."Oh I LOVE this shoe...now lets go find fabric to match!" Poor Dean, when we got married I think I owned over 30 pair of shoes. ;)


My Mom wrote faithfully, each Sunday in her journal, letters to family and missionaries, and crossword puzzles. She loved fantasy books, but had promised my Dad that she would read 2 church books to every fantasy book - so she didn't get to read them very often. Like myself, my Mom had many 'friends' but no 'close friends' that you would call just spare of the moment...because of this, when I was about 16, I became her best friend. She was a woman who would forget your birthday, yet would send me a Valentines card each year, because no one else did. She was a woman who tried hard to do what was expected of her, giving everything she did her all....including all her church callings and teaching of lessons. I get my "Momma Bear"ness from her, the queen of don't touch or cross.... and I'm proud of it.

Most of all, she was a woman who wore many hats but always tried to keep sight of the one marked "me". She never acted her age, always dyed her hair, and for this everyone always thought she was 20 yrs younger than she really was. She was my rock, my go-to, my one person I could call when there was no one else in the world it seemed. Four years ago turned Eight Children's lives upside down....Mother's Day has a different meaning for me now - a bittersweet day each year. Yet tomorrow I will try to show up to Sacrament Mtg and listen to my Olivia sing to me with the Primary and Ben speak to the congregation on "Why he loves his Mother". My family understands and there will be tip-toeing as well as generosity this day.

I love you Mother...said little Kathee...the little girl, with the little curl in the middle of her forehead.