Respect

Different thoughts keep running through my mind yet they all have to do with the same word ... respect. 

I am not so staunch anymore to where I took up the fight anytime I saw someone disrespecting anything - my PTSD has done that to me.  I sit back more as to not purposefully trigger my fight or flight because I will stand and fight and it will hurt me.  My instinct now though is flight, get away from the confrontation but I am too stubborn for that; therefore, not only am I wrestling with myself and trying to tamp down that response, I am carving myself up inside by staying in the confrontation.  Why must things be a confrontation?  Because we are all human, no one likes to be told they are doing something wrong and why does that person feel they can tell you anything?

This is one of my points, respect.  Can you see how it is missing these days?  You are no longer allowed to give instruction on the way something should be done for that infringes upon their "rights" and individual freedoms.  So how does anyone learn what is right and what is wrong?  People are born with a conscience yet some have gauges that are slightly off in that department.  If you cannot teach by word, I ask we start teaching by example. 

Again, respect.  Are little things you do everyday teaching it or teaching it's okay to not have it?  Thought process examples:  This is my neighborhood, I can run around and play in the neighbors yard whether they are home or not, without permission, maybe I trampled a couple of flowers or threw their rocks but hey this is MY playground.  This is a sore subject with many who have little kids, I heard it when my kids were little.  Neighbors don't mind, etc etc.  Possibly neighbors don't want a confrontation because they are neighbors.  When on walks do we stick to the sidewalk staying off lawns and flowers, cleaning up after the dog that is with you?  Do we simply let our pets outdoors with no regard as to whose yard they take care of their business in?  Have you ever said, That's not your yard?  Don't get me wrong, my house was the neighborhood house, plus the cub scout house for over 14 yrs.  During that time I had MANY  occasions to help little boys from the neighborhood and girls realize they weren't in THEIR own homes, they were in MINE.  They weren't in their own yard, they were in MINE - thank you for breaking that board in my fence deliberately with your hammer, it doesn't matter that it looked worn, it was holding out until I could replace it.  Kids played night games and often used my back yard until I caught them, from than on, they asked permission - wow, an amazing idea.  That is my point, don't get all mad because I said your kids are in the neighbors yard, simply ask.

Thought example:  This concert is soooooooo boring, I think I'll text my best friend, if I hunch over no one will see the light and you really don't mind if I share this thought with you right this minute right?  I took my daughter to an Orchestra Concert for her mid-term project.  I was appalled at her behavior.  Her feet went up on the auditorium seat in front her, she texted, she whispered (thankfully whispered not talked).... AHHHH!  Okay, I already have a problem with her sitting like a young lady wherever we are and I will continue to work on that process - ugh.  People put in HOURS of practice to entertain people who DO want to be there, both the performers and their parents, audience deserve to listen in peace and quiet.  Cell phones should be banned from such venue's, although I know many people use them for directions and pictures of the performances.  Again, not only has someone's time been spent preparing for this event, but most likely (if at the movies) you have paid good money to be there, and TIME to be there and enjoy.

It simply feels that no one has respect for anyone anymore.  It has turned into a world of total ME, ME, ME all the time.  I can't respect anyone else's rights because it doesn't agree with MY opinion.  I need to be first, I need to be included, I need to be entertained - it is all about the ME's and I's and no longer inclusive of family or community.   Maybe more of us, myself included, should be more careful of how and what we do, for more than little eyes are watching - big ones are too.  When mistakes are made, simply correct and move on, no one is perfect.

Paix

Awoken by the rain...

I love the rain; the smell, the feel, the sight, and the sound.  I guess you could say it appeals to 5 of my 6 senses which makes it almost perfect.  The fact that it delivers nourishment and relief to my flowerbeds that have been suffering in the over seasonably heat just makes it that much better.  I love flowers, they appeal to 5 of my 6 senses also; unfortunately, I don't always have the time or energy since my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) came into full rage to tend or cultivate them.  Doesn't mean I've stopped buying them or trying, it simply means that sometimes I have to acknowledge that I still can't do everything I used to and learn to be okay with it if some of my beautiful flowers die on my watch.  Not a happy thought, as a recovering perfectionist, but hey, I'm recovering isn't that the point? :)

Over the past month, since my last uplifting appointment with my reflexologist Sarah, I have noticed that I have started to be "interested" in things again.  Its hard to describe, almost like awaking from a deep sleep, remembering the things that used to interest and excite you, remembering your dreams and wants you had in life.  While this is all good and great, it is still frustrating.  Wanting what you used to have; yet still having the limitations of your illness is hard.  Wanting to be normal again, putting on that 'I'm normal" face for everyone each day (yes, I admit it is easier to fake being normal than try to explain to people for the umpteenth time - people who should already know) and than coming home and paying the consequences and having those who accept me and my limitations paying also.  That is one of the hardest things of being ill, what it does to my kids and my husband.  I see them want what used to be and it hurts me not to be able to give it to them.  Anthony wrote me a letter in response to my telling him about my appointment last month.  It broke my heart to hear him say, "I almost started crying at my farewell, as I sat on the stand and looked out and saw ALL my family sitting there together.  I do hope you continue to do better so that when I get home we can go and do things together again."  That just breaks my heart, what have I done to my children?  I know it isn't really me doing it because there is honestly nothing that can be done in regards to some of my symptoms.  That is the hardest for others to understand and accept- you can't and will never be completely fixed or whole again.  It isn't something you chose to have happen to you, who knows if it is anything that could have been avoided, but wishing and wanting don't fix and don't make it go away. 

I have noticed that since this experience began many things have changed about me and looking back I wouldn't change the new way I look at people and things around me at all.  I feel that I used to be too judgmental, claiming that I wasn't and more critical than I wanted to be.  Intermittent showers all day today, equals cleansing for the soul and a renewing of the Earth.  Dinner tonight with good friends that don't expect my mask when I show up and fully accept whatever face comes, how thankful I am for them.

Paix

WOW...a long time has past.

I realized the other day that it has been FOREVER since I've blogged.  I update Anthony's missionary blog at least once a week (okay, I try >.<)  

I decided that one of the many reasons for this lapse is simple, not on my mind.  I now work away from home; unlike 19 yrs previous, I started working for my sister 3 yrs ago.  I am on the internet but working, not blogging.  I get home and my laptop DIED 2 yrs ago and I'm not about to type enough stuff for a blog on a kindle with a stupid spell check and one fingering.  That would be annoying beyond.

I have decided and hope it is possible to be able to start sharing my discoveries and self healing from the past 6 yrs with PTSD.  Does that mean I am cured - ha ha ha ha ha breathe...oh heck no!  PTSD is not curable but it can sometimes be managed in degree's so that the rest can hopefully be put on shelf.  When it all shows up at once, that is not a good day, life, or time for anyone with in my near vicinity.  I know that people don't understand PTSD, what causes it, its symptoms and physical limitations; mainly because has similiar cause and effect yet just as each person is different, it manifests itself differently in each person.

So back in the habit of sharing daily, give me time lol, this won't be easy to remember to do and at times sharing puts me back in the red zone and isn't healthy.  But I shall try and endeavor if all of you try to read with an open mind and an understanding heart.

Paix

There is LIGHT AGAIN!

My thoughts are all jumbled up and its hard to know where to start.  Some song in my earphone pops thoughts into my head to start discussing and than someone makes a comment or chats on facebook and that totally starts a different line!  Wow, never pray for inspiration - maybe moderation in inspiration would be a little more specific and helpful! Lol.

Yes, I laughed and I have tears in my eyes - tears of joy and happiness.  Is my life fixed?  Is it better?  Am I perfect?  Are my children?  My husband?  No, YES, HELL NO, no and no.  For six to seven years I have looked at people's inspirational comments and some hurt because I knew I could not process and go there at that time and that's okay.  For everything a time and a reason and a purpose.  I will never be perfect, I have faults - A LOT - but I also have good in me and I've let the world, the negativity, the grief, and the faults of others crush me for too long.

When I was 17 my parents allowed and paid for me to go to Washington D.C. with a small group from my High School to attend a week long tour and teaching experience with the group Close Up.  It changed me.  I was growing up in small town America where everyone knew your business and if they didn't they made it up.  If you lived your religion and had standards you were made fun of and shunned.  Just fact - shotgun weddings were more attended and celebrated than regular ones.  In my group of friends some of the group were jealous of each other and due to families that had lived there forever, some opinions were valued higher than others.  All that changed in Washington D.C.   Close Up was kids from Puerto Rico, Chicago, New York, Utah, and a several other states I can't think of at this moment. :)  We all split up into groups and the fact that kids that didn't know me treated me better than those I had spent the last 9 yrs growing up with totally opened my eyes.  They didn't know backgrounds, they didn't know details, they saw attitudes, personalities, and judged on actions of the people they saw during meetings and events.  Needless to say, when the group I was with tried to treat me the same as at home, before we left, they got blasted.  I'd had enough, I'd been treated right, my opinion valued and requested and I wasn't just a groupie or add-on.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to share what happened to me yesterday yet.  But I can say that there is nothing greater than the Saviors unconditional love and the forgiveness you allow yourself to feel - about yourself.  Part of the light I used to feel and hopefully radiate, I can feel starting to burst through again.  I can't fully express how wonderful it feels to be happy again.

Having a Missionary in the field....

Those that know me, being relatives or online acquaintances, know that my son left in January to enter the Missionary Training Center in Provo, UT and than flew into New York Utica, on Feb 12th.  He is currently serving in Syracuse South, New York. 

Blessings are interesting things.  They aren't always what you would recognize as a blessing.  I'm still trying to figure out a couple of them and how they could be.  I know it just a "mormon" thing to think that when you are in the service of the Lord Jesus Christ that you are blessed.  Scripture is full of examples and I think people like to focus on only the good that they read and don't notice the other parts about how you will be tried MORE for following and doing what you should.  I would gladly settle for a happy medium in this instance. 

I'm not a sugar coater, if you are reading my blog for the first time you find that I am very direct about what goes on.  Life is not sugar coated for the majority of us; for those that it is - hmm, can I have some of what you're on?!? 'Cuz they really haven't found the pill to give me that makes it a "happy pill".  I don't think they ever really can; I believe that recovery and happiness relies on medication, action, and therapy.   They are in process of re-adjusting my NEW medication and I haven't been able to afford my reflexology therapy in months.  Anyway, I digress and am swerving off subject.

I've noticed that blessings from service are sort of like backwards compliments.  You're still allowed to be tried; however, something happens in the middle that makes it less of a trial and therefore it has become a blessing.  For example:  did taxes in the middle of last month.  Our income ran short last year and we did not make our typical 10% donations as we would.  That amount has saved us every year when it came to taxes and increased our amount that we received back - State and Federal.  Unfortunately, because we did not have the money to make our charitable donations, we did not get any money back or nowhere near the money back that we normally would from taxes - like less than 1/4 compared to usual.  For the last 2 yrs now we have owed the State money - this year at the beginning we thought we would owe 4x the amount that we were getting back from Federal.  Yep, I lost it - how do you find a blessing in that?!?!  Well, I found a mistake, fixed it, had my CPA girlfriend come and check it and she found another one.  We ended up getting 2/3 more back in Federal than we owed to the State - now THERE is the blessing.  I would rather my blessing be something like,  I'm getting fabulous returns from both State and Federal and I could pay off a bill with it or at least go somewhere for my anniversary - yeah this blessing we haven't seen in about 3 yrs. hence, I will take getting back more in Federal and being able to PAY the State with it.

I also heard - where are those buzzing little bee's with all this information, so I can SQUISH them!- that when your child leaves on a mission for the church, that they than start to appreciate you.  Hmm, yep, still waiting for that to show itself.  He seemed to appreciate me more while he was home - before he left.  Now all I get are letters discussing how much he misses his girlfriend, how he can't think about the things I've done or mentioned in my letters because that is not where his focus needs to be and he doesn't want the spirit to leave.  Seriously?!?!  *head bang*  I'm trying to do what the Bishop told me and support my son, support him as only his mother can - yeah well, doesn't seem like he wants it.  Honestly, this part is worse to me than having trials where blessings are supposed to be. =[  ... It's about rating up there for when he was 10 yrs old and used to tell me on Mother's Day that he was someone else's child. *face palm*

Pretty much, my blogged is aptly named, my world isn't perfect but it's blessed.  We still have a roof over our heads, food on the table to eat, jobs, and loving people to help pay the support for my son's mission each month.  Paix

BOOK GIVEAWAY - WAHOO!!!!!!

Indies Giveaway

Well, to kick off the Indie-Licious Awesomeness, we've put together a giveaway that will make three lucky people very happy!

We have a gallery of signed paperbacks, ebooks, and swag arranged, and there will be one winner for each category. Check out the prizes, and make sure to check out the authors who were kind enough to donate them!

Prize Package 1 - PAPERBACK LOVE:

Natural Selection (YA Urban Fantasy) – Elizabeth Sharp
Becoming (YA Fantasy) – Raine Thomas
Enlightened - Devyn Dawson
Alaina Downs (NA) – Rebecca Rynecki
Don't Fear the Reaper – Michelle Muto
Beyond the Western Sun & Walk the Red Road (YA Fantasy) - Kristina Circelli
Twisted (YA Romance) – Amity Hope
Wilde's Fire (YA Fantasy) – Krystal Wade
Slow Dance in Purgatory - Amy Sutorius Harmon
The Gathering Darkness (YA Paranormal) - Lisa Collicutt
Sweet Oblivion (YA Fantasy/Romance) - Bailey Ardisone
The Keeper (YA PNR) - Natalie Star-Kroll
Wolf Spell – MR POLISH
Troll Or Derby – Red Tash
Rematch (YA fantasy/romance) - Janine M. Caldwell
Flight - Alyssa Rose
Here – Ella James

Prize Package 2 - EBOOK LOVE:

Twisted (YA Romance) – Amity Hope
Mother-Earth Series & Knot in Time (YA Adventure Fantasy & SciFi) – Alan Tucker
Devour (YA/NA Paranormal Romance) – Andrea Heltsley
Trust in Me (NA) – Bethany Lopez
Travelers Series (YA Sci-Fi) – Claudia Lefeve
Awaken, Avenge, & Atone – Sarah Ross
Doc, Vampire-Hunting Dog Novella (YA) – Julie Campbell
Barely Alive series (Upper YA Zombie Romance) – Bonnie Paulson
Sweet Oblivion (YA Fantasy/Romance) - Bailey Ardisone
Into the Spiral (YA SciFi/Romance) – Erin Danzer
EVER (YA Paranormal/Romance) – Jessa Russo
Quest & Wildflower (YA Fantasy & YA Historical Romance) – Amy Jones
The Only Exception (NA – eARC!) – Magan Vernon
Morgan Wylie's Debut (YA urban fantasy) – Morgan Wylie
Light of the Moon (YA PNR) - David James Knapp
Dark Seeker and Dark Return (Books 1 & 2 in the Seeker series YA UF) – Taryn Browning
Marked & Changed (YA PNR) - Jennifer Snyder
Zellie Wells Trilogy & Day of Sacrifice (YA PNR & NA UF) - Stacey Wallace Benefiel
Cloud Prophet Trilogy & The Swarm Trilogy (YA High Fantasy) - Megg Jensen
Elemental Emnity II, III, & IV - Christie Rich


Prize Package 3 - SWAG LOVE:

You may receive pens, posters, cards, stickers, bookmarks, etc. A lot of this will be signed!
Raine Thomas
Devyn Dawson
Rebecca Rynecki
Andrea Heltsley
Krystal Wade
Stacey Wallace Benefiel
Megg Jensen
(NA) Bethany Lopez
Lisa Collicutt
Bonnie Paulson
Bailey Ardisone
Jessa Russo
Amy Jones
Natalie Star-Kroll
Taryn Browning

Are we E.T.?

I'm on overload.  It is definitely a Maroon 5 day - a day of rewinding through memories to find some peace or comfort.  A friend we've been expecting to pass away finally has, my son I thought I had for another year before his mission is leaving tomorrow.  

I think the Lord knows that when something important in my life is going to happen it has to just HIT.  I met Dean on New Years Day 1991.  Engaged 2 weeks later, married on Mar 30, 1991.  Olivia's head was misshaped and worrying me.  Pediatrician got her scheduled 4 days later for an xray at PCMC, an appt with the neuro surgeon a week later and surgery the week after that. 0.0  Anthony put in his papers Nov 18th, got his call Nov 28th - entering the MTC Jan 23rd.  I believe the Lord knows that if I have time to breathe, I'll than react.  If I don't have the time, than I fall apart and all the nerves display afterwards.   Hence, yep still dealing with the PTSD.

As I was taking a break at work, these thoughts came to me and for once I decided I needed to get them out while they were forward in my mind and not just let them accumulate until I couldn't remember exactly what they were.  I was thinking about "why" ... why is it different when your son leaves on a mission than when he simply leaves home?  Absence of contact.  Pure and simple, absence of motherly contact.  No phone calls to hear your childs voice and confirm that they are fine like they say or hear that something in their voice.  Hearing that they are hurt or ill and not being able to go to them for comfort or care.  Not being able to "touch" (important to me) when they are down or in need of support or inspiration.  It's not cutting the apron ties, you know he is leaving for a strong, good purpose.  You believe and you trust that he will be in the Lord's hands.  It's more like severing the umbilical cord again.  For 9 months you nourished, talked to, sang to, loved, felt every movement and your child depended on you, lived under your heart and heard it beat.  Giving birth is difficult, painful and not a fun experience.  Yet when the doctor places that baby in your arms to hold and take care of ...nothing can compare.  Therefore, I'm using the analogy that raising your child is like being pregnant, a mission like giving birth, and the homecoming of an honorable young boy, now a man - like having him placed in your arms at birth, all over again.

While thinking about this it also occured to me, one of the most painful things for the mom is not hearing from her son.  He could be fine, he could be healthy, strong, and serving and doing what he needs to get done - but doesn't have time to write home.  How precious are those calls on Mother's Day and Christmas.  A big holiday when you are remembered, when you get to hear your son/daughters voice and know that you are still apart of their lives, still thought of.  The thought was given to me that I have a Heavenly Father that feels exactly the same.  When I don't say my prayers does he wish I would talk to him?  Does he long to hear from me just because I'm his child?  Sure he knows what is going on in my life but isn't it always better when you hear it directly from the source?  How often do I think of him and rely on him - only on Holidays?  Only in times of sorrow or trial?  Wouldn't I feel better and have more peace if I shared all my joys, my excitement, my hopes and dreams instead of just my sorrow and disgust?  It's something to think about. 

Oi, another sleepless night. . .

 Found this in my "drafts".  0.0  I didn't know I had blogs I hadn't posted.  This is from 2010 - and I like my last paragraph so I decided to just post. =]










(maybe one of these days I'll find a "current" pic of me I like! >.<)
Ok, point proven, not even Tylenol PM helps put me to sleep - freak! I really wish I knew what my body was doing, I'm tired but it won't let me sleep =[. Very, very annoying. Lol.

Let's see, do I really have anything to blog about? Hmm prolly not so you'll have to put up with my ramblings - tomorrow I shall go buy the book "IceFire" (I think that's what it's called) next in the series I'm reading and than I can atleast be in bed and not in front of the computer at this hour =P.

Hmm, a thought maybe. It's really assuring to know that you aren't always wrong. =] How's that for a whopper! But think about it, how often do people go out of their way to prove you wrong, even if sometimes your right? How do you do what the prophet suggests and "NOT" try to prove yourself in contention? Can you let it go and deal with the injustice? Most of us I think would say NO - cuz that's the natural man and a little thing called PRIDE. Do we gloat when we've been proven right? I would hope not. I'm sure through the years I've done my share but I'm really trying. Trying NOT to be so pessimistic as I was raised; trying NOT to be so hard-headed, um yeah, that one might never leave =]; trying to show those around me that I love them, friends, neighbors, especially my kids and hubby; trying to be the best person I know to be. Pretty hard since I don't know who that person is yet. However, I'm willing to help others along the way find themselves, hoping that it will shed a light on me and show me an example of how to live.

Let's not be afraid to BE. BE the children of a Heavenly Father who loves us; BE an example of good in a world turning bad; BE a strength to each other, to all those around us; BE of good cheer and BE a light unto the world. That's what I want to be.

Last Family Vacation with Anthony

We headed up to the Adams Cabin over New Years Eve for a final get-away, kind of vacation with Anthony.  I have lots more pictures but they will have to go on another time.  As you can see, we had snow.  We took Cherisa, David and Linda, and Abby with us.  Full vehicle, full cabin and lots of fun.

Highlight of our trip?  We took the back way to the cabin, not knowing that the plow doesn't go around the loop. >.<  Yep, we sunk.  Thankfully David in his Ford Diesel Extended Truck was there to pull us out.  He had boxes we folded down and a couple of boards -  wow - so thankful!  One chain broke, our emergency shovel broke and yeah - we had great fun for about 3 hrs.  The kids hiked down the loop and got the ATV's and shovels.  They were all cold and frozen but stepped up to the plate.  Anthony did a lot of hard work that weekend and we were very proud.

Missionary Bear

When my niece Danyelle's hubby (than boyfriend) left on his mission to the Phillipines, her mom Susie made her a missionary bear to hug and hold while he was gone.  We were just at Deseret Book, saw their missionary bears and I have to admit - theirs are UGLY!  Sorry but they really ARE.  My sister makes the cutest and most realistic stuff ever.  She even made the cute little bear BELT for him.  Than found a camera case at Deseret Industries (WHOLE BEAR. clothing, bear, etc is from DI btw) so that he could have a little back pack!  Anthony had a mini Book of Mormon so we are going to include it for her after he has written his testimony in it. =]  How fun!

Olivia decided she is going to take her Build A Bear that Anthony gave her (his from Disneyland) and name him Anthony to sleep with while he is gone.  Not sure if DI makes clothes that small but we will look for her the next time we are there.  I bought a cute bear but don't think he needs clothes ;) okay, he has a scarf.

Susie even made a treat for Anthony's mission bear - or should I say Abby's mission bear.  The favorite animal is a Jelly Fish!  Susie makes hats in less than one night - I swear this multi-talented woman - so she made the bear a yellow jelly fish hat!  I will have to take a picture of the bear with it on when it is in Abby's arms. :)

Another Book Giveaway!

I so LOVE finding book giveaways! =]

Even if they are books that I have not read, I am always after new authors and series.  I HATE coming into the beginning of a series and than having to WAIT forever to get the next - so I try to find series that are already completed ;] or another new series that has different publication dates so that I can flip flop between.

Oh - for those that are not on my Facebook - I totally WON the autographed book that I blogged about before Christmas!  WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  SO FUN!!  I loved opening the book and seeing that the author signed it with a scripture quote from the Book of Mormon.  Awesome!  I didn't even know it was an LDS author - double wahoo to me!  For those that don't remember the book I won was, "Defenders of the Covenant" by Angie Lofthouse.   Autograph:  God's purposes roll on! (Mormon 8:22) he he

Okay so here is the book I'm looking at winning.  Jennifer L Armentrout's Opal. =]

I've never heard of it but read some really good reviews on it.  Here's to crossing fingers and hoping!  If you want a chance to win yourself go to : http://www.rottenapplereads.com/2013/01/i-think-i-gave-myself-enough-time-to.html?showComment=1358633392100#c3827955078539234218 


Good luck!