I believe, I believe, it's silly but I believe...

There's nothing like a good show that reminds you of things that this crazy, past paced world makes us forget. I think I need to post the saying above a door frame or every door frame of my house. However, for me it should read: "I believe, I believe, I'm just being silly, so I believe". Believe in myself that is. It's been an interesting week and it's only 1pm on Tuesday! Kinda hate weeks like this...lol. Anyhow, my week started on Sunday, like everyone's does =P: however, it was snowing and the there was ice under the snow on the roads. I have lived in Utah all my life, I freaking know how to get around in the snow! Unless of course I'm driving a Tahoe that doesn't have a working 4 wheel drive. >.> No, no accidents - I do still know how to drive, dumb rear-wheel drive or not. We fishtailed out onto the main road - I laughed, Olivia was like 0_0 - psh. Dropped Anthony off, Ben was already there and I was running a bit late and Anthony had to be seated at the Sacrament table before the meeting started. Thank you, thank you, I did a PERFECT parellel park in front of the building, ice or no - straight in, no adjustments needed. First time in the Tahoe too, but I've also been driving a mid-size or mini-van for the past 16 yrs so size was not a problem - I have to admit though, my mirrors that rotate when I back up are GREAT! he he. I was close enough Olivia could step right out onto the sidewalk, so I waited til she was out and as I got out, looking back to ask if she was alright - WHAM! Foot right out from under me and my butt and arm met the ice. She heard my little squeal and I laughed saying "good, cuz I'm not!". Thankfully only one vehicle was heading towards us and not the normal barrage that is normally on the road with a Catholic church across the street. My pride was slightly damaged (gotta love pride right?), my arm scraped up, and my beautiful new velvet black jacket with now obvious white scrapes up the sleeve....I think I'm more ticked about that than anything - the arm is simply an annoyance at this point considering the bruise from elbow to wrist and the itchy healing scrapes. =P ...Even though this was eventful, it was not what I meant by what a great week! lol.

I actually stayed for all 3 hrs of church, even with a screaming arm. I tried to help with a screaming 10 mo old during Sunday School - she wanted Dean but than really wanted Dad not us.....than sat next to one of my friends during Relief Society to help her with her 10 mo old. The lesson was one of the General Conference talks by President Uchtdorf. It was a lesson I needed to hear...sigh. I knew I needed to hear it so I resisted my impulse to get up and leave towards the end of the lesson when nature called. (I knew I would not return) Tell me this doesn't sound like me "If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most". *sigh.. I read the quote: "When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace, or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be". Yeah, let's sum up the past 4 yrs of my life in one quote - thanks Sister Blount for handing me that particular one. Only problem is, as explained in the lesson and known as fact to me, the more frantic and the longer your frantic, the harder you fall and the worse things fall apart - which they will, for that pace cannot be maintained. Mine is the metabolism I guess that I store things up. I want to share but find it difficult; therefore, I push it down and build a wall around it. Than the foundation of the wall begins to crumble out from underneath me and I am left pounding my fists against hardened stone while having barefeet being pierced by broken pieces that have begun to fall. Thought - I just read a book that mention old time Labryinth's - I think I shall do a little research to make a full picture of this. It mentioned that the Labryinths were used in England by the church's ....if you did not focus on where you were going and doing - you would end up lost and alone (sounds familiar) but if you focused you would end up at the center..you would be at peace, having centered your thoughts and reflecting - you would also be able to than turn around and find your way out- so in a sense, re-enter the world. Everything I have pushed down and built walls around have created my own Labryinth if you will. The goal of my life right now must be not to tear the walls down, but find the opening between them - allowing myself to travel forward and not forever spin in circles.

Thanksgiving Weekend

It is the end of the long weekend. I feel I accomplished quite a bit this week: took full day training and passed, double carpool shift plus work, move niece in and fit her stuff into one location that we won't trip over (that in itself is HUGE for my house), cook Thanksgiving dinner, clean out about 1/3 of my clothes closet (DI piles already in vehicle), cook and enjoy UofU vs BYU game, and now it's almost 11pm and Sunday brings its own mix of things to accomplish. My body decided I wasn't nice and crashed early both Thursday and Friday nights....still not sure it thinks its over but oh well.

Johnny, Sarah, and Tristan joined us for Thanksgiving dinner, the watching of Ice Age 3, and a riotous game of Scattergories. Since Cherisa moved in the day before, we joyfully had her with us also. I had most of the dinner done, since my stuffing comes out of a box I always leave it for last, well this year it was forgotten - interestingly enough, not really missed.

I'm trying to stay on the positive side of things, I know I should be typing all about everything that I am thankful for this weekend. Unfortunately right at this moment I am not feeling very grateful, I'm actually feeling very peturbed and grumpy. I hate that. I know that I am blessed in so many ways, ways that most people don't notice and I'm sure in ways that I overlook also. I am very thankful for all my many blessings worldly as well as not.

Tomorrow it will have been 12 yrs since my father died....wow. I miss him. I had mentioned once going to the graveyard this weekend but alas, it was not remembered so I didn't repeat it.

Full weekend...wait it was only Wednesday!

So it's been a full week in three days =]. I was a big girl on Monday, I rode the Frontrunner into SL with Dean, met Kimberly (co-worker) on the train and at the SL station we found our bus that dropped us off 1 block from our office. Can't beat that! Okay, we could have beat it if the train had actually been on time, getting me to my training on time and not 20 min late >/. All was good though since I was just 1 out of 4 missing and the other 3 were later than me =]. We are updating our complete billing system so we all have day long trainings, with tests at the end. I just checked my email and I PASSED! Yay! I honestly didn't know if I would or not, my body is not normally up (for the DAY) at 6am and sitting in an all day training. By the time class was over I was trying to remember what they were telling me you used where since half the job functions - I don't do! Training was supposed to last until 5pm; however, there were only 5 of us in class and we all kept up pretty well. Training was over at TWO and than we had a quick review - and I mean QUICK less than 2 min....and than they gave us the test. I was the second one done and as I sat there watching the others and their MILE LONG answers, I seriously wondered if the Epic Trainer was going to be jived cuz his wife didn't pass. No he wasn't my trainer and now he can hold his head up =]. Lol, he texted me at like 1:15 pm - our break - wanting to know how it was going...."good, just a couple more things left to learn and than the test"...."okay, so you think you'll be done by 4:30?"...that's not a me question but sure! He he he he he, I texted him back 45 min later saying "I'm DONE!". That received an instant phone call....ha ha ha...."with TRAINING?" "yep", "seriously?""YES". My boss even wondered when I showed up downstairs looking for a place to work for the next hour until I met Dean for the train. But I tell ya, my poor little brain doesn't like to have me decide it isn't sick anymore >.<....around 3pm, once the pressure was off, I started to CRASH. I sat at the desk behind reception staring at my screen having to really think - first, because function keys at the office are different than at home- AHHH - and second, my brain was literally mush. I made myself stay awake until 9:30...very difficulty - and than got up and ran carpool the next morning. >.< before ="],">.>

Oh yeah >] Friday is PUT UP CHRISTMAS!!!!!! rawr...love love. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I think people can usually tell since I own mmm...30 nativities. Christmas music - the right music - can bring such a calming feeling to me that you can often find me randomly listening at any time of the year.... especially if I need calming. I love to sit in a dark room with soft christmas music and just stare at the christmas tree...it's beautiful, it's peaceful, *sigh. Enough with all this random blogging business, I need to get to bed if I'm going to be up to tell my son goodbye in the morning. To any out there reading this, I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with the people you love and hope that you may look around and know that you have a lot to be thankful for. Paix.

Early Sunday Morning

After our long week, everyone is in bed but me. The house is cold but quiet :). We got some good things accomplished today. Saturday is our only day to get anything done: laundry, shopping, chores, I'm sure it runs that way at your home also. We smashed the majority of our cans and Dean (with Anthony driving) took our 2 garbage cans and one small container full up to Ogden to the recycling center. Thankfully the price of aluminum has gone back up and it wasn't a trip wasted. It took us all summer to fill up those two cans...help from a single bachelor neighbor is nice too, but his drinking roommates have moved out so unless he has a party...I think we are stuck with our own. I keep telling the boys and Olivia to do this on a regular basis...with aluminum returning to good price, it's atleast money every month if they can get enough cans to fill the big cans.

I re-arranged parts of my kitchen today. Things were bothering me and when I don't feel good - not stuck in bed, just sick but ignoring it :) - I rearrange things. I like things better now, things won't be falling on my head or falling behind the drawer now. =] Also, they are a little more earthquake organized by having the non-heavy items on the top. My family room is still my most hated room and I'm sure will be until I can convince Dean and my pocketbook that we need new carpet. Wait....Dean knows, it's the pocketbook we have to convince. Home Depot is installing at like 47 cents labor per sq foot or something like that...I just need to have the time to know the size we need and remember to keep Home Depot on speed dial for carpet remnants. Lots to do, little time and money to do it in....ain't that the way the cookie crumbles? Paix

Facing Fears

It's been a very long, short week. Everyone in my house has a malady of some kind. I have Bronchitis/Pluresy again, Ben has strep again, Olivia has tonsilitis, and Anthony swallows a frog every morning and evening, and Dean is stressed over the top which is bringing his normal stress things around (we won't mention them so he doesn't get upset :] ). Sunday, the kids stayed home from church, Dean came home from meetings and ran Ben to Wee Care who ran the tests that said no strep, and than I went in time to teach Relief Society. Honestly? I've been teaching for awhile, just different classes but Relief Society is always scary to me. I think it's the fact that its filled with old ladies who know everything and might question or contradict what I'm saying. I doped myself up with 3 of my anxiety pills and went to teach. The lesson was on the Holy Ghost and I aimed it mainly at recognizing and understanding the Holy Ghost. Nobody asked a hard question, the sisters participated with some great comments and I am free for another month. *phew

Ben has missed school the entire week so far. He's stayed in bed pretty much the majority of the day each day which tells me that there is definately something wrong. Dean took him to our family physican today who thinks that he DOES have strep and put him on antibiotics - I hope he feels better in the morning...I shudder to think how much homework that kid is going to have >.<.

We have started watching the holiday shows on Hallmark. I love them - have most of them taped and am excited when they have new ones each year. As we were enjoying one of the new shows (Call me Mrs Miracle) I got a lovely kink in my back, under my right shoulder blade. I hate those, can't get them to go away without major acrobatics. Anyways, it started at about 9 and after 30 min and it still shooting me with sharp pains, I was getting worried. I went upstairs and used my inhaler, 10 min later I texted Dean and he said he was on his way home. Needless to say, after using my steriod inhaler, dowining ibu 800, and 2 Formula 303 (my natural muscle relaxant), Dean took me to the ER. I have to tell you, I hate Dr's, have ever since I was an infant (long story..ask later) so to me, going to the ER is embarrassing. I don't know why I feel that way but I do. Dean doesn't trust Davis Hospital (me niether) so he ran me up to the U of U. We got there about 10:25pm and left at 3am. Thankfully my pain had lessened considerably but they ran tests just to be sure, lol my insurance is gonna scream >]. End of year lets run as many tests as possible.... they x-rayed my lungs (no pnuemonia), they ran an EKG (no heartattack), and my vampire nurse pulled 7 vials of blood from me (no blood clots). Thankfully, all my results were good news and my sats (oxygen levels) were better so they prescribed me an antibiotic and steriod to clear out my lungs and sinuses. See? embarrassing, nothing wrong - yes, I can hear you, better safe than sorry. So, I am announcing to my overweight, always achey, dormant body that its time for it to wake up and shape up cuz the dr says it's fine! (sadly, it rarely listens to me =/) My friend from HS is lending me her hubby's South Beach Diet Cookbook to look through and hopefully be successful with. I went visiting teaching tonight, a mother and her adult daughter who is recently divorced (the daughter). She decided earlier this year to do the "boot camp" workout. She did it with her sister and now they continue on their own using their own equipment. She looks amazing! I seriously think she's dropped atleast 3 sizes. Now, to find my motivation - ugh.

Tomorrow I don't get my usual routine, its go into work day...drop off, pick up work, get trained on the two Epic modules that my team has learned without me, get my ID scanned for the bus, have lunch with the hubby (=] ) and than back to normal= carpool, errands, work...hate Thursdays. We've purchased Disney's A Christmas Carol and are anxiously awaiting to have all of us together to watch it - here's hoping that it's the highlight of my Thursday. Paix

Expressing Myself

Today I finally cut my hair. It's been driving me crazy for the past couple of months. I was trying to grow it out so I could have my sister perm it for me but I couldn't find any perms anywhere! Of course, since I have now cut my hair, there are 4 boxes of perms at Dicks. >.< I had to laugh when at 10:15 tonight Anthony finally said to me, "how come your hair looks like Mandy's"? Yes, I finally got the A frame haircut that is so popular. I just wasn't sure it would look good on an old fat woman - I like to HIDE my double chin not cut my hair off so you can see it better =P. So far, it's okay, I'll decide more tomorrow when I actually have to do something with it for church.

The sicky bug has poked its head up at my house. Olivia and Ben both have sore throats again and Anthony sounds like it's already gone to his lungs. Lol, his voice gets even deeper when he's sick...Ben asked him to start reciting Darth Vader quotes! ;) Dean schedule is finally starting to taper off, it will be nice to have him back on regular work hours. There is a wonderful, crispness in the air! I just picture in my head my warm oven, three different items in various array of completeness (food), and me dancing to Holiday music as my kids shake their heads and stick their hands in the bowls. Hmm...sounds good. =] I've been kind of wanting to write, yet not...maybe I was wanting to write the wrong thing...idk, but I have the urge again tonight so be warned, you may stop here or it could be a long reading night.=]

The crispness of the fall air enveloped her as she stepped off the porch. Crunching, slithering sounds greeted her as each foot fall scattered the dry leaves before her. Bundled warmly with a long sleeved shirt and hoodie, only her nose received the bite of the fall day before her. Playfully she took a kick, than maybe another as a childish smile spread upon her face. Arms flung wide, head back and eyes closed, she inhaled the scent and chill of fall.... exhilerating! Taking in her surroundings she processed the beauty and glorious life of it all. Purple mountain majesties to her East, looking that way due to a fresh sprinkling of snow along the mountain tops. Leaves still clinging to tree's, leaves on the ground, all displaying their quiet grace and brillant colors. Truthfully, what a backdrop for a painters pallet this would be.

Tired, Confused, Hurt, Sad, Reflective.....

This picture was actually Memorial Day 1999..just 6 months after my father died, as you can tell by the grass they were trying to get to grow. I know it's not Memorial day today but to me, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day both honor my Dad's life and sacrifices he made while in the service. All I want to say about Veteran's Day today is this: My father was not perfect, my father had many faults but also many great qualities. I am the person I am today because of the values he and my mother instilled in me. That includes a great love of country and even greater respect for what the flag means and the men and women who fight to keep it flying.

As you can see by the title, I'm still a bundle of emotions and what I consider stupidity. Yes, the control freak who is not allowed to be human :D, I prefer it that way. As a side note, I sit here at the kitchen table not one foot from the side door. My left hand is normal and my right hand is freezing. I would unplug my lappy and go sit in a warmer place but I am plugged in over here and I'm too lazy to move =]. There are stupid things in life to jealous of someone over...if we really knew what they went through and that we would have to do that also - would we really want whatever it is? Lol, yeah I know, RANDOM....this is the way my brain is functioning this week...think of something, doesn't fully compute but than moves on. *sigh

I teach Relief Society on Sunday. I think alot of my conflictivitis (yay new word!) has to deal with that. They are wanting something from me that I know is there, yet part of me is fighting it and refusing to let go. It doesn't make much sense to me but than again, if it did I wouldn't be conflicted would I? One of my issues is a self comparison to my mom. She taught Relief Society for years and would spend an entire month on just one lesson. Honestly? I don't even spend a week, I rely or used to rely on the spirit and inspiration. Yes, I know the lessons are different now, back than they didn't even have the little manuals just topics so you had to do a lot of research etc. I read my lesson and told Dean that the hardest thing was going to be how to make 3 pages (not 8x10 but like 7x5) last for an hour >.<. Helpful him said, get lots of participation and comments....mhm, good answer. However, on certain topics there is only so much that can be said until you all start repeating each other. I should not compare myself to anyone, I know that...I do....somewhere. It keeps trying to push it's way forward but the competitive perfectionist that wants to atleast be "just as good" keeps smacking it back and locking its door.

My forever quandry about friendship. I spend many nights rebuking myself, condemning myself, and berating. You see I have this need (according to those who really know me) to take the blame all upon myself. It doesn't matter that it was your choice or decision, somehow, I must have done something wrong that made you think that. My husband has always been totally confused by this and tried to convince me otherwise - have I ever mentioned how stubborn I am? - even a beautiful niece or two have noticed and tried to explain to me what really happened. =] I love them and I am glad that they care and love me....but to me, it's still my fault. I wish I could do as I tell others to *wink* and just forget them, they don't deserve you anyways....yeah, that would be really nice. Instead, when all is quiet in the house and everyone's asleep....my mind has way too much opportunity (cuz it's not distracted) to condemn myself. I read of people who take up running...run to get away from the emotional pain, run to not think....I want to do that. I want to get on a treadmill and last more than 5 minutes...walk around the block to visit someone and not feel like I'm gonna die when I get there. I do know, its step by baby step and resolve to not quit that makes it happen. As Will Smith has said, "I know that if you and I are on a treadmill, you're gonna get off first or I'm gonna die on the treadmill." So, can you like get on, forget something in the locker room and than jump back off to go get it?!?! :D

Blah

It's 11:20 pm and I should be done working by now....yeah well, isn't that the story of my life? I took my work downstairs so I could "watch" How to Train Your Dragon with the family but the wireless doesn't like that room and towards the end my 3 bars went to nada and therefore kicked me out of one of my programs. That program takes 20 min to reset itself - that's the one good point of switching software in November. Than of course just because Olivia needed a picture of an American Black Bear for her homework, my printer decided it doesn't print pictures and in fact, it doesn't want to print at all. Grrrrr. It printed Anthony's homework just fine 30 min before. Don't get me wrong, I love that Anthony has his own room but I am BEYOND annoyed that since I moved out of the office I cannot keep a solid way to work. Dean keeps trying things but of course, he's busy also so by the time he can help try to solve anything, I'm usually supposed to be working. ie: here I am up at 11:20 again. I've caught up with my hours for last week but my stats aren't showing it, so I am still trying to get those accomplished. I am grumpy, unhappy, annoyed, and most of it I point all directly at myself. Yes, I know I am "re"acting instead of acting, unfortunately that is something I fear I will deal with my entire life.

I'm "re"acting to something that happened last night or didn't happen I should say. No one's fault, just me criticizing myself beyond what is needed like normal. I get expectations and they make me happy and than they don't happen and I turn the fault to myself. I'm obviously not worthy of it, it was stupid of me to think, yeah, yeah you get the picture. My therapist tried her hardest to help me shut that voice up but nope, not even excercise and music blaring in my ears makes it go away and no, I don't feel better afterward. Mom used to wonder how I could do so many things at once, work, music or tv, phone on speaker, and a child in the room. How? or Why? why? so I don't have to listen to myself obviously....the quieter it is, the worse it gets. I used to feel like I had someone to vent most of it out on but she died 4 yrs ago. Friends really can't take that place, nor siblings. After a while they get fed up with how negative you get and they don't want to be around it - makes sense, I don't like to be around it. I know why Anthony is the way he is...he's like me and I'm 40 and haven't figured out how to help myself, how am I supposed to help him? I listen and I do what I can and mostly I am the mom, the one that he knows no matter what will listen to him, try to encourage him, and still love him - no matter how often or times he is negative. Yes, I know, I have a loving Heavenly Father that will do the same thing for me. I'm not stupid, I'm not spiritually dead, I'm momentarily lost and have a hole that needs to be filled. Those of you that have been there and found your way, I applaud you, those that have never been there have no idea what I'm commenting on - be glad. =] I was not always like this.... I was once strong in body and mind (ha ha okay maybe not so much in mind =P) and spirit... that's what attracted Dean to me and kept all the others away.

Anyways, I think this is the Lord's new test for me, I have a new calling. I am now one of the RS teachers. Teaching is no new thing for me I've taught the Marriage and Family Relations class, the Young Women, and the 12-13 yr olds in Sunday School. I was released from the last when my sleep deprivation started - I was not able to be there every Sunday and I felt bad for my partner. My sleeping has somewhat improved yet I now take a prescription drug that makes my mouth dry. A five minute conversation makes me sound like I'm smacking my lips >.<. I suck on life savers so hopefully the sisters won't mind me talking with my mouth full =P. I think this is the Lord's way of getting me back to attending Relief Society. My record of attendance looks pretty sparse in the past 4 yrs. That's a fully multi-page text that I've discussed before so I won't again. Again, recognizing what the real problem is, not the others around me, but myself. I tried to be my old self again today....I took a drink to a sister in the ward that lost her mom a few months back. She's been ill and on the outside appears that she's holding up much better than I. Anyhow, it was a total surprise to her which was nice. Lol, but notice how here I still am, now at 11:45pm ....trying to vent at something so that I can calm down and not cry myself to sleep tonight.

Halloween Weekend

Reading blogs =], signed up for this year's Nanowrimo 2010, finished all my fb games, and now am just delaying going to bed. I'm not sure why, I'm tired enough.

Halloween this year was boring. Dean isn't really into Halloween so all of my decorations from years past have been scaled down and I've almost gotten to the point where I don't put them up. Anthony and his friend Dan put some up for me outside this year and they passed out the candy also. I sat on my computer and answered email - said hi to parents and kids I knew - yes, I can see them from the doorway at the table. (my house isn't that big after all) The candy has already killed me when I saw that I've already gained 2 lbs. >.< psh. I took my doctor's advice ;) ha ha ha, Dr Leavitt told me to scale down so I did - I bought the Pillsbury Ready to Make sugar cookies with the ghost and pumpkin middles - sugar cookies done. I made little pumpkins but bought the icing =] done. Had friends up to watch a movie on Friday night, it was a - SQUIRREL - good time, always is with them. (yep we watched UP, they hadn't seen it)

Even with the scaling back, I still crashed hard today. ugh. The University Hospital is changing it's systems to EPIC. For forever, we have had two billing systems - one for the hospital and one for the doctors. It's confused patients for long enough and with Allegra (hosp) needing to be updated and they don't support Allegra anymore, it's time to change. This change has been in the works for about 3 yrs now. I will miss IDX (dr) dearly but Allegra coulda left LONG AGO! Starting yesterday, Sun 31st, the soft go-live took effect at 10am. Dean, being one of the trainers and Epic Certified was at work at 10am and got off at 6:30pm. He works these crazy shifts for the next two weeks. However, starting tomorrow it begins at 6:30 AM and ends for him at 7PM. Not nice at all - that means up at 4:30am. >.< Anywho, after he left bright and early I debated with myself over dragging my sicky, non-moving body out of bed to get to church. I figured I could atleast drive the kids and have a friend bring them home - however, Anthony (bless his heart) didn't get his laundry done so no one went. They sat down stairs and were erm...somewhat quiet...watching a marathon of The Munsters while I tossed and turned, moaned and groaned. I think I just might actually have to go see Dr Baxter this week and get something for this sinus infection - it isn't going anywhere but further into my lungs. =[

I've watched this season of Dancing with the Stars, mainly because Jennifer Grey is on it. She is one of my favorite actresses and she still looks great! I watch it and the old dancer in me is critical of those with no "musicality" (as they call it) and than envious of those like Jennifer who are older than me and can still dance. =[ I'm trying to get back there, just hoping my hips and back will hold out so that I can actually do something to head in that direction. It's been fun to watch and is filling in the gap nicely of my shows that currently aren't on =]. Gah, after 1am, hopefully I've wound down enough that I can just coast off to dreamland. Paix