Today was Sunday. Everyone stayed home from church expect Dean. Ben and Anthony had upset stomachs from the previous day and Olivia caught a cold. With school in it's not surprising, yet we did our part and kept the sickies home so that it didn't travel around the school AND church classes. The kids were really good - there was no fighting 0_0 (I know shock me!) and the boys actually stayed in bed for half the day. (hence the no fighting =] )

We went through our Disney DVD's and Bluerays, added codes into
our movie rewards account. I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, Anthony contacted people for his Eagle project, Ben shredded my shred it pile, and Olivia talked with her cousin Mya and than made one of her "Little Bake Oven" mixes. She did really well - too bad the mix smelled and tasted like play-d0ugh. >.<

I took PROOF that it was an amiable day. Notice the boys and Dean (hiding from camera) are actually playing a board game with Olivia! If you click on the picture to enlarge it - you can almost see that they are playing "Strawberry Shortcake" with Olivia!!! YES!
She won the day and was happy as can be that her brothers not only paid attention to her but actually played "with" her. =] Yes, a proud mom moment.......gimme a min. =] Ahhhhhhhh.

Tomorrow starts another week of school, work, carpool, phone calls, hoping to finish the family room, and meal planning. The last is my least favorite. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to cook and bake and if I do say so myself, think I do a mighty fine job of it. =] Looking at pic's of me and Dean I think you would agree =P. This week I look FORWARD to having a more organized, cleaner family room where I can go and do Tae-Bo or get on my treadmill. I definately feel better enough that looking in the mirror disgusts me and it's time for me to be in charge again. My girlfriend from HS and her daughter both promote a pretty healthy gun show - I have never looked like that even WHEN I was in HS - but I will settle for little guns and a size 12 again =].

Whoosh Saturday flew away.........................

As much as I would love this picture to mean I am finished with my family room....alas, it has only begun. My family room, downstairs in my "UN"completely finished basement is my horror. I HATE THAT ROOM with a passion...was that obvious? My comfy couch is in there and our nice tv and it disgusts me. To begin with, the carpet is ORANGE...yes, you heard me right - ORANGE. We have lived here for 12 yrs and I have no idea how long the people before us lived here (5 yrs I think?) but they traded someone something for it and didn't care because it was their "upgrade" that they needed for their loan. >.> They had TWO indoor dogs...need I explain more? The carpet is just beyond disgusting. The walls - ok the drywall is falling off - lol - helps that my children have placed big HOLES in it. The wood framing the windows will give you splinters >.> yes, I have experience in that. HEY, the WINDOWS are NEW - well they are 12 yrs old I put them in the first month I lived here. All new doors and windows rolled over into our first mortgage. You could see sunlight through the front WOOD door (that was hollow) - someone knocked on the little glass window and it promptly fell onto the carpet. >.> mercy me - ugh. The windows were the old aluminum things that could be "popped" out in less than 2 min giving anyone that bothered access - NO THANK YOU~! So they all got replaced "WITHIN" the month - I have no clue how the other lady lived here and had her husband at a new job in another state. Not me that's for sure. Back to the ugly room. The family room houses the furnace, water heater and air conditioner. Whoever decided to finish the basement (? *rolls eyes) decided that the encasement for these LARGE utilities should not be square - it should be at an angle so that absolutely nothing could work there. >.> oh and its not really framed it seriously looks like an outhouse. Needless to say, since the crawl space is located at the end of this room- that is where the majority of the spiders we see - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I DO NOT DO SPIDERS! I think I've made that clear.

Anthony is helping me - a little begrudgingly since he helped me create the "first" set of shelves that we are now taking down. Looking above - you'll see the white shelves holding only half of my vhs's. I would love the room down there to have a "cabin"ey feel it. We had 2 boxes of flooring left from the living room upstairs so we have gotten the "liquid nails" and some "screws" and we are doing "opposite" paneling. =D Yes, you heard me. I will post a pic when the wall is done before we put the new shelves up. My treadmill, my comfy couch, my big tv :( I miss them so I am using the excuse of relatives coming to quickly get it done. Gee, fixing up that room has only been on the to-do list for umm.....12 years?!? =P Yes, money has a lot to do with it still being that way - that and the fact that I simply avoid the place like the plague. My bathroom, that was also - redone when my kitchen was - erm...3 yrs ago? Is still unpainted. Yep - it is MUCH smaller to tackle and I'm thinking that it's a REALLY good thing its a 3 day weekend next weekend cuz that Monday I am gonna CRASH HARD. Hopefully I can last that long and not crash mid-week >.< that would ruin my plans....rude.

My house is small. It's a little less than 1400 sq feet - yep that includes the basement. I have no garage and only a crawl space. HA HA HA HAHA - you think I'm going after anything in that crawl space? NOT ON YOUR LIFE! Dean took my china box out of there and than he had to go through the whole thing so that no creepy crawlies surprised me - alive or dead - I don't care - ugh *shivers. We would like to build a garage in the backyard - our neighbor did (yep its a 30+ yr old neighborhood - NONE of us have garages) for about $5000 and some friends. I'm sure that's what ours is going to have to be and it isn't going to be anytime really soon. We have a friend going to help us dig up the weeds that aspire to be grass on the side of the driveway and than we will cement it all the way over. I'm sure my neighbor on that side would LOVE cement rather than weeds that keep spreading into his actual grass. However, even though labor is free and cement is discounted - it's still pricey and that won't be before the year is over either. So, what do I do with a small house - BIG children and no storage? I start compacting :D. My shelves that used to be where the wood is now - used to be full of DVD's. I now have less than 20 bluerays and 5 season's of Stargate plus Trek movies to put back up there. My movies all now live in a large, comfy binder - heavy binder. They are alphabetized and slightly catergorized. Yes, that was a project in and of itself that the picture above doesn't show. =]

Okay, its freakin' 2:30 in the morning again. I figured this would happen since I over used energy today. Dean and the kids don't feel very good - I hope we aren't spreading it around the family - I have things to do before next Saturday! =] I guess I'll spend tomorrow here on the computer typing my movies list and seeing which ones I haven't put the Disney protection on or registered in the rewards website. That looks like another "sightless' all day job. Lol - oh well, it will give me time to make more sweet rolls. YUM! Night.
/

What a week!!

As I write this I should really be working but when the thought hits my head I need to act or it will disappear never to be seen or heard from again. At times this is a welcome thing - depends on your outlook.

Let's see...it happened like this.....

School started for all 3 kids in 3 different schools. Elementary is great because unlike the upper level schools, it is still FREE education. Yes, I know I pay in property taxes but the teachers have most of the items and simply ask for donations of paper towels or pencils or no germs. Jr High and High School however, school started and MORE fee's walked in the door with my boys, along with supply lists and the typical disclosures. Two days of that since the Jr & High school are A & B day schedules.

Had a mammogram/breast scare when on Tuesday my Family Dr office called and scheduled me for an appt with a surgeon for the next day. 0_0 They had told me there was no problem and to come back in 6 months just so that they would have a comparison on file. THANKFULLY the surgeon looked at my mammograms (2) and my ultrasound and did a brief examination. He found nothing to be concerned about - told me if I was worried to just keep track and observe and let them know. PHEW....that was NOT a nice scare.

Olivia starting work 0_0 I know! One of the ladies I visit teach, she teaches flute once a week. Olivia is her new "distraction" for her 2 boys so that she can teach in relative peace. =] She's all excited, she gets $5 a week and has already calculated how much she will have after 2 months. *rolls eyes

Yesterday was back to school night at the Elementary, drop off and pick up day at my office in Salt Lake and neighbor visits. Today was complete my calling (VT Supervisor) - with a new Relief Society President we had changes to make and lists to print. She a character - talks to herself like I do - lol we'll get along great.

My down sides this week I can't fix. I want to help but there are situations and times that you know, no matter what you do - you can't help. You can be an ear to chew, a shoulder to lean on, and even a giant hankey - but that's about it. Everywhere around me life is hurting people I love. I know, that's life, these are our trials it will make us stronger or more humble - it just pains me to see it. Part of being a recovering perfectionist is that you NEED to help, you feel useless if you don't do SOMETHING. At times though, people don't want or can't accept it.

My friend and I settled our differences this week - THANK YOU! We finally had a chance to just sit and chat, to realize and accept the other's side and decide that our friendship is more important that who's right. He lives in a very different world from mine. Not just differences in culture from another country (Canada ain't that different =P)but differences in how family relates to your life, how and whether religion relates, you get my meaning. I value this friend unmeasurably. Our differences make us see the other's problems with an open mind. We can oft times see things that the other can't - you know, stuff that good friends do for each other. =] On the other side, for one of the times I ACTUALLY go to sleep >.<
my sister needed me. =[

Therefore......................it's been a WEEK! Ha ha, not a week from hell, not necessarily a painful week, just a week full of LIFE at its fullest. I'd appreciate a little less from now on ;). ♥

I'm a little too giddy ;)

The difference one day makes, or an hour, or yeah, even a minute. :) So Dean and I went to see the surgeon yesterday morning and thankfully he had no idea why I was there. YES! He did a preliminary exam anyway just to be sure - ok I must be getting old cuz 20 yrs ago you would not find me half undressed in a MALE Dr's office - nope just not me. He said everything seems normal, just to watch one thing and if I notice a change than they will start to investigate. SIGH..............sigh Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. :D

Ok, let me clarify, I do not chose to call my friends "blog stalkers" lol- a few of them called themselves that. They are girlfriends from high school and I just laugh at them, still love them. How do I know? Well, you see there is this little thing on the side of my blog that says "followers" ;) to which I have 9!! yay me - lol poor ppl. I know those 9 ppl and I know where they live. I have another follower that is not listed as such and I know where she is. So, when my blog tracker finds someone at a location that I'm scratching my head at - I'm curious =]. For instance, a couple of years ago, I had an author from Australia who happened upon my blog somehow. He sent me a couple of messages on how he had dealt with a similiar problem and a thank you for the comments I made. You could have blown me over! It was so nice and cool! =] So yeah, I watch =].

Anyways, sis-a-poo is on her way over to use my sewing machine so I guess I better go get it out and figure it out. I just bought it from DI a couple of weeks ago. Anthony was excited - yes he sews and loves it - says it's like the ones they use at the school. Good, they can teach me!

>.< really?

First off, I have a blog "stalker" our of Hill Air...come out, come out and tell me who you are. =] Please. I don't care who reads this, I have friends from HS that tell me they are self proclaimed stalkers here. It still just makes me wonder..why? Lol, you poor people with nothing better to do. :D Seriously though, you don't have to make yourself known to everyone by posting a comment but you can send me an email on fb since that is where you are linking from. :]

Second, its been a day and it's only 12:19pm! The time is good, I can start making phone calls for work before picking kids up from school when my house gets noisy. Anthony had late start today and for once took his time in the bathroom >.> not good for him since he was still IN the bathroom when his ride arrived. Sorry Monica. >.< They were nice and waited but it kinda started the day for both Monica and I. I than got up, got Olivia moving so she wasn't late for carpool and Monica's boys showed up at my house, they had locked their mom out. 0_0 oi . Well, yay I was up so I took the kids to school and Monica walked over to the HS to find her son and his keys. I'm thinking maybe she and I should share copies for a just in case again. ^-^ I thought I would stay awake but I took a nap- or tried. You know those days when you think you need one but nobody else in the world does? pfft.

Third, I guess I'm gonna have to be more open *sigh....so part of the world that thought I needed to be awake was a cell call. I thought it was someone from the ward for Dean so I ignored it. Than I got curious cuz they left a message. It wasn't for Dean, it was for me, from the nurse with my family doctor. Pretty much the lab tech told me everything was fine with my ultrasound mammogram but they told my dr that I have a lump. They believe it to be beinyne (sp) but I still have an appt to go see a SURGEON tomorrow morning. SURGEON? *sigh ok I hate surgery but its better than a biopsy- don't get that foot long needle anywhere near me! :P

Anyways, life is trying to wake me up. It's rattling the cage and letting me know that none of us know how long we have here and there are things I SHOULD be doing and am not. Since my resolve is now in gear, hopefully it can muster my body some extra energy to get things moving =].

Here we go again......

SCHOOL - tomorrow starting at 6am in my house which means Dean now moves ahead to 5:30 am. Carpool got discussed and completed today- thank you thank you. I blissfully usher my children out the door at their allotted times into a friends awaiting vehicle- 6 to 7 hrs later my vehicle makes the rounds, carpool is sharing at its best =]. My children all have clean or new clothing to wear, backpacks taken care of, paper, pencils, you get the idea. So here we go again....Olivia is excited to sport her new hair (shorter), new clothes, new backpack...I'm excited Olivia got Mrs Cox. We've had her before with Benjamin and she is wonderful, Olivia will thrive in there which is always good. Ben isn't so excited about school but the fact that his classrooms are a little closer together might make it better; however, his locker is WAY outta the way from anything except 1st period. Anthony is excited for school - don't let him con you. He loves getting to see his friends, make new ones and he has some really great classes along with a couple of hard ones this year. Here's the catcher- I've tried this the past 3 yrs and couldn't pull it off, cross your fingers for this year! Getting up when Anthony leaves 0_0 I know, I know - what?!?! My goal has always been to get up when Anthony heads out the door, go down and get on the treadmill until Ben goes, than shower & dress and tell Olivia goodbye. That puts me starting work around 9 am and having only 30 min left to finish once carpool is complete. That would be SO INCREDIBLE...can someone talk to my stupid body and get it to sign a contract so that it's possible?

One of my big things is I have to "unearth" the treadmill downstairs. It is piled with the blow up bed, the boxes that used to be my office and kid crap. *sigh I guess my first objective is to clear its space - that alone will take all the energy I had until afternoon. Needs to be done regardless...Dean's parents are coming in a couple of weeks for Anthony's ordination to a Priest. It would be nice if I had places for all of them to sit. =P or wow - put the blow up bed down? =0

Anthony's Eagle is about 1/3 of the way done. He has 3 1/2 filmed, ready to be uploaded and start the editing process. He decided on 10 short films altogether, he has assigned scripts for 5 out and is waiting for them to return. The young women and young men have been helping him on Tuesday nights but with school now starting, I think he needs to start setting different filming dates - ones more in advance so that people can help better. =] I'm just as excited as the counselor to see how they turn out! I need to start pushing since we are hoping to have his Eagle Court in November- when his grandparents come down for Ben's ordination to a Teacher.

Yep, they grow up WAY to fast. Anthony will be 16 in 8 days. He and his cousin got to go to the movies all by themselves the other day, pay and everything. He was like - that's so weird. >] Mean mommy reminded him that soon it will be he and girl - lol that one freaked him out. I'm sure it won't for long.

Demons

It's not easy to face your demons, to do that you have to admit that your human, that your possibly wrong, that someone else has a say in the matter. Is it called pride when we don't do something simply because we are afraid of another's reaction? I'll have to think about that one. Boo told me that I was using the word "conceited" wrong. We were discussing something I had done and was regretting and I coined a phrase of something someone had "labeled" me with when angry. The phrase of "how conceited of me to think that anyone would be talking about me". I thought about that and I tell myself that often. The only reason I have to keep telling myself that is when I find out somewhere along the line someone was- but those are few and far between. I look at the word conceited to be thinking highly enough of myself to think that a fight I had, harsh words spoken, would be continued against me when I had removed myself from the area. I try to justify and tell myself it really isn't conceit, it's not a vain outlook - I am rather looking down upon myself yet hoping that maybe it's true. Hmm....guess I need to do a major rethinking spurt, lol.

Friendship is an interesting thing. Like anything else in life it changes and grows, moves around and sometimes vanishes. If you are lucky enough to have one rebound, than catch it and savor it. I will admit that I really don't know what a friend is. I have idea's in my head from personal experiences, watching other people, the media, and my religion. However, many of them conflict and I find myself expecting things out of friends that I don't expect myself to do in return. 0_0 well no WONDER I'm on the short list! Hello!!! When did that start? When did I decide that I was more important than my friends, or their lives? Well, I don't know when it started but I know what made it grow. Having these thoughts are really encouraging to me, it means I'm finally -hopefully pulling out of my funk of depression. If I can honestly ask myself these questions - remembering the answer that might still be hard =P...but atleast I'm wondering and searching and trying to learn. Isn't that what we are here for?

Not destressing well

I just noticed, I could totally have misspelled that word and it would still have made sense =P (distress, de-stress) yeah yeah, that's about as good as my humor gets today- oh well, today just started its 1:07am so hopefully it will get better. *eye roll

My med's have mixed and are playing nicely - they didn't invite me though. Prednisone makes your mouth taste like metal and Nortriptolyne gives you dry mouth. Any confusion as to why I've downed a case and a half of diet coke in the last 4 days? Nope! none whatsoever. So I was sitting in my family doctor's office on Monday, he ran blood tests for my cholesterol, thyroid, yada yada, you know the drill. I was VERY pleasantly surprised when my cholesterol went up by ONLY 39 pts (been 2 yrs since last tested and taken my Zetia for it). Even better - he's not putting me back on it! YES!!!!! woot woot (happy dance) My kids were even not happy about me getting ANOTHER stupid pill to have to take each day. I always swore I would not be my mother- she would take and entire palm of pills every morning- ALWAYS. Med's and vitamins and minerals but your reading from the kid that couldn't even SWALLOW a pill until out of desperation had to learn when I started getting cramps. Now, I am my mother. My body doesn't digest multi-vitamins (idk) but I take all the stress related ones: B complex, E, Lemongrass...than you get to add all my prescip's to the mix. My fam dr thought he was funny and was running through all my med's just to see if I remembered what I take them for =P..pfft. I think he got shocked, when he pressed on my already painful chest and asked teasingly- "does that hurt?" I hit him back and said YES! You'd think he'd have already learned - *shrugs. >]

Ok so that paragraph explains the "good blood test" results from my status on fb. The other part? This part I'm not de-stressing about very well. It's good news - don't get me wrong...I just do that. I'm fine in the line of stress and than when it's over - I fall to pieces. My piece gatherer isn't around anymore :( miss you mom - alot. Needless to say, I was having breast pain along with the chest pain. Chest pain is Pleuresy (sp?) the inflammation of my chest and lung cavity. Thanks to phnuemonia and reactive asthma it's something I now get too often. Anyways, my dr suggested that now that I've hit the magical # 40 (please) I should go get a mammogram to figure out the breast pain. He sent me 3 wks ago, the letter came the week after, come back for further analysis. I come from a family of well endowed women, both of my sisters and my mom, had to go back repeatedly due to density. So my sisters and I thought this would be the same as theirs and thankfully it was. There was another problem as to why they were checking and I could finally tell my husband it WASN'T/ISN'T normal and someone backs me up. =] That one is my secret, I've been public enough as of right now. =P

Pretty much, all and all a decent day, not horrible, I guess. Got up earlier than normal, no umbrella, raining cats and dogs. Went to do mammo/ultrasound, got wet (why did I do my hair again?) spent 2 hrs there >.>, drove into SL to my office - still raining, hyrdoplane'ng in the new vehicle >.<, wet again, drove home, picked up my child - listened to his angsts (hey, I'll take them as long as he'll share them =]), got home around 4. 4?!?! where in the heck did my day go?!?! No dinner made, phone calls for work to make- everyone getting take out tonight ergo the delivery boy (hubby) switches dinner plans (meh)- actually kind of talked to an old buddy but there's still too much water under the bridge there =[....found out life goes on without me- hurt my feel goods ergo releasing all the pent up's of the day, the tests....yeah yeah....♫ sounds like life to me...♫ ain't it the truth. Paix

Ho hum

=] I'm not really in a hum drum mood, I just couldn't think of a fitting title. *shrugs I turned my house upside thinking I was TOTALLY OUT of chocolate than by chance looked in the freezer and BINGO! One last BIG CUP Reese's - YES! nom nom nom
Yes, the children have polished off the loaf of cinnamon bread and brownies if they last the night they are made are impressive. mmmmm - chew,chew,chew.

So now that I have my chocolate and my diet coke, when I finish typing this I have to go back to work. Atleast I still have a few episodes of Season III Veronica Mars left- I'm going to have to find another mind number though prolly after tonight. =/ boo. It's actually been a pretty neat little series, too bad it only lasted 3 yrs.

Have you ever...(you can raise your hands nobody will know unless someone is in the room with you ;) )reached to someone and either seen them (blurrily) or felt them? I have always loved the mind - it is such an unexplored organ and no one really knows what it is capable of. To me, the mysteries of the universe will unfold when my brain opens up and starts using more of the space located there. My brother John has written a couple of books about what he has discovered that they mind can do under hypnosis. I totally love his books, it supports my theory- it may not support yours but that's what makes the world go round right? =] Well, first and foremost in order to be able to do anything with your mind you have to be able to "go inside your head" if you will and locate it - he he. I am one of the most UPTIGHT people EVER. Can't be hypnotized and my reflexologist is the CLOSEST that anyone has gotten to almost completely relaxing me. I don't know, I have knots in my toes according to my massage therapist =P. When we are "vulnerable" its amazing what our minds are capable of. About a year back I had a friend cross country that I'd never met but we just "knew" each other. I'm sure we've all had friends that way. Even though I rarely dream about people I know, I've had one or two dreams about this friend. Interesting part? At the end of each dream I could feel him. WEIRD I know right?!?! But I asked my reflexologist what she thought and she found it possible through work that she's done. How cool is that? Touching someone with your mind or soul that you've never met in the flesh before? It was awesome but you have to be careful because your awake mind doesn't really know what to think about it or explain it. So on my list of 25 things (previous post) I had listed, much to the shock of most of you ;), that I like to reach out each night and see who I find. I just explained why so maybe you can understand that comment better.

Last night, it was stinking 3am again - I know right? - and I'm finally upstairs trying to "relax" so I can sleep. I try to clear my mind of people, things, and kind of just think of space - empty space. Anyways, as I was doing this a face popped in front of my eyes. Yeah ok, but when my brain figured out who it could possibly be it blurred so that I couldn't quite keep it in my head. The sad part about this? I highly doubt that I will ever be able to confirm that the face I saw was really who I thought it was. =/ Even if this friend ever talked to me again he doesn't allow his picture to be taken, let alone seen by anyone. Considering he also lives in a foreign country - yeah, I'm toast. I have to wonder though, if it really was who I think, was it just a parting gift? Somehow I don't think I'll ever know.

Okay, my internet keeps disconnecting me and I need to stop rambling, keep a connection and finish my worklist for the day.

Paix

Surprises

Lol well going to bed at 4:3o in the morning but not sleeping until 6 actually wasn't too bad this time. Next week it will be since school will be in but I will be sleeping normal again by than. >] (yeah did I hear myself? lol)

I logged onto facebook today to a message from a high school friend. She's so cute and I appreciated her comment. So to any and all of my "blog stalker's" (lol) I say "HI" and thanks for reading. Funny, when I write this it's usually for my own benefit, getting something off my chest and I usually only think of my family reading this and whether or not it will offend any of them. It's weird to think of other people reading this but kind of comforting as well. I hope I'm not alone in this world with some of my thoughts and its great to feel a connection to anyone.

I am grateful for the icky Prednisone (steriod) I am on...last night part of my sleeplessness was chest pain. I don't remember the full name but I just got over bronchitis and now I have bronchial pleurisy something. I've had it before but never to this degree...this time it not only hurts - it burns. ugh - LOVE Ibu 800 and steriods. Today my chest does not hurt - THANK YOU! =] Breathing, stretching, moving can all be done without sharp pain or burning sensations. I have a lump on the muscle above my right knee - silly doctor thought it was funny "kinda feels cool, wanna feel it?" psh. It doesn't hurt either- YES!

Hmm, time to get to work - ewwww, but needs to be done. Anthony is off to Young Men's to tape another one to two of his movies for his Eagle Project. =] YAY! He was supposed to be done by next week for the beginning of school but a little procrastination occured >.> he emailed the school counselor today to let her know it would be slightly late so that she could plan her curiculm around it. Five scripts typed - 2 films taped and 5 delegated out to other script writers...he's on his way! =]

Still UP

Hmm....I had thought these days of sleeplessness were over - my new medication helps you feel tired, besides the lovely side effect of dry mouth. My insightful and wonderful sister in law read my last posting and helped me by posting a great response - thanks Mikey ♥.

I'm not quite sure what I want to write tonight or this morning =P but I know I opened this browser for a reason. Why do we have to have regrets? Why can't both sides of a difference be seen, accepted and moved forward with? Yes, I know that with most people they can and you would think if you knew me well enough you would know that all my stupidity and ignorance comes from well meaning and some can see that but others still won't accept. You can't force someone to forgive you - I guess that's my Lucifer complex, my control freak action. But even when you see what you've done and it has done no harm in the physical sense - you still can't make it better. =/ Sorry, I know I'm not making sense to anyone else but myself yet this is what happens at 10 to 2 in the morning.

Bless Dean's heart, I truely could not ask for a better man. He puts up with me and my stupidity, my controlling issues, and somehow at the end of the day still loves me. All around us our children's friends parents are getting divorced, my friends from HS are or have gotten divorced and I just have to wonder at it all. Why? What could this person have done or did you just let the love die? and if you did - isn't the what communication is for - or is that the real cause? I don't have an answer for them but I know that I don't want to lose my hubby. No, for the family reading this, there is no problem with Dean and I =P. I am just looking at reality and the fact that you remember when I posted my "25 things" and I said I keep friends longer if they're guys? Yeah well, it appears I don't keep any friends. =/ All of my friends from the past 4 years are now officially AWOL. One or two left of their own accord, but it always runs back to me. I think my mother called it my "fix it" mode. I like to help, I like to be involved and in my world, that's not a bad thing. However, when you enter the "real" world and not my secluded little section - it is a bad thing and without realizing it I cross lines that my mind doesn't know exsist until it's too late. *sigh - Now I try to learn the lovely lesson of "letting go". Eyah, I have a problem with this, don't get me wrong - I have no glorious epiphanies of granduer and that everyone loves me. Ha ha - quite the opposite...the control freak in me wants to know why, what did I do, how can I fix it, how can I make it so that you don't think badly of me. At one point in my life, I only suffered with this for like maybe a week or so and than I was over it - well, working from home and having life be just me and my computer has dumped me right back at the beginning. =] I love my online friends, they are real to me...yes, I know, there is the bad with the internet as well as the good. You see I'm not stupid and I do have a great gut sense (some call it inspiration) regarding people. I usually like to follow that up with information so that I know they're real. Only one out there I think completely took me but the only damage done was a broken heart and ego on my side when I realized how naive I had been. I still think of this person, not fondly, but he crosses my mind. You see to me, the person I get to know is the person on the inside - lol that freaks alot of people out but it is the reassurance I need. I am definately one of those that believes that people come into your life for a reason.... I just wish some would stay there.

Faith versus Hope

I've been thinking recently how Faith and Hope differ. So, I'm going to look up the definitions....

HOPE: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
FAITH: confidence or trust in a person or thing

Okay, they are related...yet vastly different. I could have "hope" in a friend accomplishing something; however, having "faith" that they will accomplish it makes it easier to cheer them on and will assist them in their accomplishment. I don't believe that statement quantifies it. Let's try this: I have "hope" that my friend will return, yet even if he/she doesn't, I have faith that they will be taken care of. Yeah, I think that sums it up better for me. Hope can be easily shattered or discarded. Hope like the word "love" I believe is used too loosely in the world today. When people say "Oh I hope it's me" it's kinda of hollow. Just as saying "I Love You" too often becomes just a habit and not a declaration of true feelings.

I "hoped" that my best friend would understand, would overlook, and pretty much just still be my best friend. However, when hope died, "faith" came to my rescue. I am now comforted to know that through my "faith" that my friend "will" acknowledge the truth of the opposite opinion and until than, protected and cared for. =] That gives me comfort. It doesn't take away the longing or the regret but it does help me continue on and lol - yes, it gives me just a little bit of "hope" again.

Different stupid things are starting in my body. *sigh, no its not the magical age of 40, they were there before - Dr's just didn't hear. Lol, so my body is now SCREAMING at them through me - how rude. ;) Two upcoming Dr appts this week, plus I need to get Anthony's toe looked at again - school starts in a week. Yay - Yippee =P

Retrospect

My pills must not work at all during a certain time of month, atleast that's what it feels like. No, I am not going to go to someone and tell them so they can give me more pills to take! Maybe I'll try something natural or hopefully soon I'll be able to excercise it away. =]

I believe that looking back can be a good thing; as long as you don't remain there. We are to learn from our history and past mistakes, not drown ourselves in them. I seem to be having that problem. I like the person I used to be, the person I am now seems to have too much crap she's holding onto and I am having a hard time making her purge it. I agree with the statement of "There's a reason why people in your past didn't make it to your future"....yet sometimes I have the hardest time letting go. Even reading how much they distrust me and hate me my memories are fond ones, happy ones, and filled with love. How do I not have hope when I am supposed to be filled with it? Lol...there's your brainteaser for the day. :D

Anthony assigned me one of his scripts to write...Hardwork. Well, yeah I know what hard work is, I expect 110% out of myself and atleast 80 or 90 from my kids on a regular basis. (ok I expect 100 by they give me 80 or 90 =P) Hard work is something you know, something ingrained in you, something you do out of respect for yourself and who your doing a job for. I don't want to simply make promises in a video that don't hold true to life...that's my mountain I need to get over. Hmm, he needs to finish these by (film in the can as they used to say) by the end of this month so that it doesn't conflict with his school work. Hmm...I might have an idea :D but I would welcome anyone else's as well.

So my ordeal atm is trying to figure out how during one week of the month I keep myself focused - on ANYTHING. It's very strange to actually "zone" out, I don't think I've ever really done that my entire life~! 0_0 weird. Idea's?

25 Random Things

I think these are really hard cuz while I'm writing I can't think of anything and when I stop my mind floods...geesh.

1. My toothbrush has to be wet before and after I put toothpaste on it.
2. I brush my tongue and rinse my mouth with a "hand" full of water - not a cup.
3. My current music fetish depends on who my current best friend is.
4. I really am an amazing chef...if I'd just do it.
5. Each night I search for another soul calling me before I go to sleep.
6. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of arachnids - they give me the creepy crawlies for days!
7. I talk to my dog and truely believe he understands me.
8. I make friends easier and keep them longer if they are male. *shrugs
9. My teeth chatter uncontrollably at 66 degree's.
10. I collect cookbooks.....but I don't use them. >.>
11. I CANNOT wear just socks. I either have to have shoes on or go barefoot.
12. I still LOVE to dance but only when no one is looking.
13. At one point I could hit a low C- middle C -and high C vocally (yes with all inbetween =P)
14. I have to sing at Dean's Grandmother's funeral when she passes. >.>
15. I have actually written piano music.
16. I used to sleep with my 22 under my pillow. (psycho roomie)
17. I cannot see to shave my legs. Ha Ha - I don't wear my glasses in the shower! It will be nice to get contacts again.
18. My clutter is organized...DON'T TOUCH IT!
19. I nibble all the chocolate off of Twix or Snickers, than eat the cookie/nougat and save the caramel til last.
20. Being around people gives me an "up" whereas being alone gives me too much time to criticize myself.
21. I have finally finished writing my first book!
22. My eyelashes are naturally curly too - stupid things.
23. I am addicted to my online friends. I will sit on fb or msn until one says hello.
24. I tend to get too involved in people I don't know's lives.
25. My dragons love to sit under my shirt between my breasts. It's warm there =P.

Tag*
Facepalm
Chocolate Frogs
A little doot will do ya

Wow....I'm SO WHINEY!

You know what they say "the thing that bugs you the most about someone is the thing that is most like you". 0_0 EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. My biggest, BIGGEST pet peeve is WHINING! And over the past couple of weeks I've realized just how whiney I am when I don't understand something, how desperate and the control freak in me is HORRIFIED! Ha ha, oh my gosh how dare I be human and worse yet, a whiney one! Lol. Maybe that's one of the reasons I love writing, the emotion can come out but it is in the ear of the reader as to the voice tone that it is given. >] Granted, you could ask certain people of the male gender and they would tell you I am the biggest whiner on the planet - now, how do I stop and how do I not have my daughter do the same. Now wait a minute, is it whining or is it a tantrum? Hmmm, that is my second biggest pet peeve and I KNOW that one hangs true. According to my mother I was the best tantrum thrower on the planet - hunh, high praise of a horrid activity >.>. Anthony has to be the next best trantrum thrower - poor kid got it from me. My mom would ignore my tantrum for exactly about 1 minute- lol. Than I received the choice of spanking or shutting up - eyah, I usually got spanked - erm, I have a temper? <.< Yes, I do have an ENORMOUS temper, I rarely spanked my kids when they threw their tantrums, usually me coming into their room and angrily stating that I could throw a better trantrum but it would be all over them and would they like to see - yeah that usually stopped them. I didn't say I was a good or even great mom, but atleast I didn't hit them and hopefully their "ice" scars (my tone of voice) have healed over cuz I always did come back and say sorry and explain why.

So that makes me think.....my psychologist asked me why I was such a control freak and what would happen if I just let myself go (like when I'm with Dean - you understand >.> ), I just stared at her and said IDK, I'm a little afraid to find out. She didn't know the whiney, angry child that I "could" be - on the other hand, on normal days I actually would get in trouble from my sisters cuz I was always singing >.>. Wow, have I needed anti-depressants my whole life? ha ha ha interesting thought. *sigh. I think there might be more blog postings for awhile, you see I'm on the computer - ALOT, since my work is on here and since I work at home, a normal 6 hr shift might take me 9 hrs (start,stop,start,stop). I usually break up the boredom and repetitiveness by chatting to friends online, watching Hulu.com or now Netflix. Well, my shows have started again so there isn't much to watch on Hulu, I'm still trying to figure out Netflix, and my best friend isn't chatting with me anymore soooooooo- here is my source of release - you poor, poor pepole reading this ;).

Hmm, the thoughts expressed above are interesting...I've never thought about the learning to stop my tantrums kinda turned me into a control freak - but it makes perfect sense. Being a control freak means really being afraid to fail - therefore, not allowing myself the space I need to examine my feelings but rather hiding them and holding them in. Than unfortunately they turn into anger, especially if I don't understand fully what's happening- which would be why it makes me sound whiney. Wow. Not sure I can fix this one right away but now that I've discovered this I can acknowledge when it happens and don't they say that's the first step? =]

So I acknowledge also that as the youngest of eight kids, I love my family, but don't feel like I fit. I've always gotten along better with my nieces and nephews, probably because they are closer to my age. Cherisa is 14 yrs younger than me, which funny enough is close to the age difference between her dad and I- he's 15 yrs older than me. =] I've been dubbed the "Cool Aunt" lol (only cuz I'm a gamer =P) and the one that's old but not a dinosaur so it's okay to discuss certain things with me...lol =P. I mention this only because I'm headed out the door to a "siblings" dinner tonight with my family. Yes, some of my family are old enough that they are "empty nestors" so the "older adult" segment of my life has begun - ick. I remember when I used to "WANT" to sit at the adult table at Thanksgiving - not be stuck at the "kids" table with my nieces and nephews - ha ha what goes around comes around I guess. More old people tomorrow - atleast I'm hoping so since Mimi has gone to alot of work for the Joshua Parshall Terry Family Reunion again this year. I really hope that more than just her siblings come to support her and her efforts. Oh well, time to make my salad for the dinner.

Pondering...........

Cherisa is here for the week while she attends a "dance conference" in Salt Lake. It's always fun to have her, the kids love her and we always end up in some interesting convo's- lol. It has been an interesting month from last month through now, so I hope she remembers that we aren't (especially me) always like this.

I hope that most of you know that I use this as a "pondering" page if you will. It's actually good therapy to get the crud stuck in your mind- OUT - and into the written word. For some reason, it's more "real" if it's written down, you than can't take those words back, even if you have an eraser or backspace, your mind will always remember what it saw. It's rather frightening to do that with intimate subjects, subjects that maybe you don't want anyone else to know have crossed your mind. I must say though, I have ventured into that, written something - let someone else who it involved read it and than WOW - I didn't really feel that way anymore, it was so liberating. When words are written down and you claim them as your own, you than must accept and face the thoughts that you have been experiencing. You can no longer justify or simply push away in the back until later.

I'm hoping that today's post will help me regarding friends. This is not a pity post, this is simply the way it is as seen through MY eyes - other people may see it differently, because we are not all the same. High School was not my favorite time of life. I had friends, that maybe I shouldn't have, did and said things I know I shouldn't have, and than finally came into myself, accepted myself and from there on, HS was great. Unfortunately that didn't happen until Sr year =] but it did last through my single years and until I got pregnant with Anthony (soon to be 16). I was confident, had fun, lived my religion and had friends - yeah I was a work-aholic too. My phsycologist says that I am a people person, I couldn't agree with her more. I thrive on physical contact, helping people, making people happy, you get the idea. I am not blaming anyone or anything just trying to accept and change my mindset by putting things down - just clarifying. When Anthony was born I was supposed to start being a stay at mom, well I was and I am - I've worked from home now for 16 years. It isn't all it's cracked up to be, far from it when you have little ones or even big ones needing and wanting your attention. I need to acknowledge that my current job which I have held for 13 1/2 yrs, was a Godsend and still blesses our lives. In the current world of unemployment, I am still grateful for my job and the help it gives us to pay our bills each payperiod. Back to people- sorry got sidetracked. For 16 yrs now it's been me, my computer, my telephone, and my children. It didn't bother me until about 4 yrs ago when my mother passed. I'm thinking right now that might be because I called my mom and my sister (they worked together) every day- they were my "office chatter" if you will. When that ended I started feeling more alone - phone doesn't ring, kids are all now fully in school. I thought I would like this time, but I don't. Therefore, I have reached out to "online" friends. People that are on their computers for whatever reason at the same times I am - people that I was playing MMORPG games with. A few of these people became really good friends.

Cultures are different because of religion or lack thereof. Needless to say, I am very different from anyone any of these people have ever encountered. For awhile I believe its nice and they like me because I am different. Than after a year or two I seem to be more of a meddler than I do a friend. Most of these people are not used to anyone truely caring about them - I believe because of that, my caring becomes "stifling". Now, if I knew these people in real life, things may have still turned out the same way or we would still be friends, idk. My problem lies with "real friend" lines and "online friend" lines. I'm dumb enough I didn't know there was a difference - to me, a friend is a friend- a best friend a unique treasure that I try to hold onto - maybe trying too hard. I've been thinking this past month of how naive, how stupid I can be. Part of me tells me this is true and I believe it, another part tells me no I am different and the people knew that, their loss. That's easy to say to my kids, it's not so easy to say to yourself when it feels like part of your soul has been ripped away from you. Losing a best friend is like losing my mom all over again. The thought of never talking to that person again, never sharing a laugh, stupid joke, whatever - seems unbelievable. I suppose what makes it unbelievable is the misunderstanding that created it (the preventable illness) and how much it hurts to finally understand that a person doesn't value you as much as you did them. =] You can't change them, you can't make them, and it only makes you seem more of baby, more desperate when you try. There is no answer for this, everyone has their free agency. At times, I would rather that their free agency didn't squash mine to pieces.