Hmmm... now if I could just stop thinking and sleep???

So I was good, I've been sick all week and spent MOST of my time in bed >.<, but no, not sleeping. Pretty hard to sleep when your own wheezing keeps you awake - gah, its worse than someone snoring! And I can sleep with that >.<. So after I start coughing stuff up today, made my Dr appt for later this morning, I was good and went upstairs at 10:30 pm to go to sleep. I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to crash. Pfft. Than my mind starting going 30 mph, I wrote a poem in my journal, than that wasn't enough, I had to come down and blog and facebook - I think I was supposed to email but nah- I'm not feeling that anymore.

Anywho, I FINALLY received a confession tonight that was kinda hard to hear but at the same time not. Lemme explain. A very good online friend and I went our seperate ways 6 months ago. It seriously about killed me, I'd grown very, very attached to this person - even considering him family. The thing that I finally figured out that hurt so much - WASN'T that we parted but that he'd been asking for months to let him help me (with my depression) and than when I needed him and was willing to let him - he left. This is one of my "strange" relationships that I literally "know" this person - maybe not the person you see on the street - but his soul and what he can become. Interestly enough, he knows me back. Interesting because he doesn't understand "why" he's attached to me or "how" he knows me, and since he doesn't believe in God or spirituality - it's a little hard for me to explain - cuz he won't understand or accept it. So we have a mutual friend that is going through some rough spots right now. He was discussing with me his point of view - and I admit, it was rather harsh. However, it allowed me to ask a question that he's been avoiding for 6 months - is that what happened to us - and the answer was yes. Now the harsh thing is, he believes that he only needs his family and his girlfriend in this life to make him happy. If you upset him or blame him for things he doesn't feel he's done - he just "sheds" you and you are gone. He doesn't like "feeling" - and I mean "feeling". Here was my kicker ....... imagine..... I make him feel. 0.0 LOL, ok so I'M smart enough to know that its the Spirit of Christ he's feeling when he talks to me - but he isn't and so when I upset him by speaking the truth 6 months ago - it hurt. So he shed me, or so he thought. I would recieve a one sentence email once a month with a question that now I'm sure- him knowing how I would answer - was to ensure that he could still be at a distance. Than, through different circumstances, I got him to chat with me and admit that he really DIDN'T have a reason to be mad at me. So tonight we again, retruced - no fits from me, no fits from him - pure acceptance of who each other is. It will rebuild and grow stronger I know - just as I knew, he wasn't really gone - another reason it hurt.

So, my other friend who has "deleted" me from his life - just wanted to fight one night and than said "Have a nice life" and removed me from facebook, AIM and MSN. Wow - and it DIDN'T hurt! Major, MAJOR shocker as he too is one that I've adopted into my family and know really well. But on this one, I think I learned from the above, it's a different relationship. This one REALLY was a friend. So weird to have a friend that could literally be my son but nice - cuz it gives life a different perspective and helps me with my own boys. Dean even commented on this one....... He'll be back. I found that very interesting coming from my husband - but I know that he is usually right, for I know this also - just don't know when.

Ok so I've rambled and told my looooooooong stories - he he. There is a point I promise. This friend that is going through a rough spot has also tried to distance herself from me and actually EVERYONE in her life over the past week. But she doesn't really want to, its a cry for help, and I won't let her delete ME from her life. In Stake Conference last week Dean said they talked about how we all need each other .... ALL, not just saints, not just Christians..... ALL. It's not just the families that Satan has started attacking - its friends, neighbors, everyone. We DO all need each other - that's how I sustain my strength, my hope, my love, and my committments. I sustain them by borrowing a little from you, leaning a little on someone else, and giving and receiving the love that everyone desires. Think about your life.... think about your friends... the people that have touched your life - good or bad -- they have made you who you are today, take that lump of clay and mold it now into the person you want to be. Hold close to those around you to help shave off the rough edges, accept who you are and who other are wholeheartedly. You can't change what's happened but you CAN change your future, who you are, who you take there with you. Think about it.

Ta da!

Ok, everyone notice the time........... HA... I haven't gone to bed yet. =P I tried but ugh, somedays I really, REALLY hate my body. So I have 3 1/2 hrs of work under my belt now and I will CRASH in an hour when all the kids are gone to school. =]

On facebook I mentioned that I had just gotten back from a wonderful weekend away. But than I didn't download the pics or blog about it - it's been a weird week. SO - here it is. Last Friday night the 16th, Dean and I shuttled the kids off to various places and had the house to OURSELVES. We went to dinner with our wonderful gift card to Chili's and than came home, got comfy and played - Guitar Hero! Lol, I hadn't played anything but the singing (92% thank you) so I did guitar (73%) and drums (53%). I figured out that on a song I know really well, I CANNOT do guitar >.< - being a singer and a dancer I want to keep the beat and that's the DRUMS. I'm also old - my arthritis KILLED me after just one SONG! Please note comment above about HATING my body. =P The next day we slept in, goofed off and around 2:30 pm headed up Ogden Canyon to our favorite hide out - The Alaskan Inn. Last year we visited 4 times =] - here are the pics - you really feel secluded - it's WONDERFUL. No cell service, no internet (yes, I promised Dean- NO COMPUTER for atleast 36 hrs and I BARELY did it! ha ha), and if you stay in the cabins - your own little oasis. We stayed in my favorite - the largest cabin Windsong. It has a couch and a kitchen =] so we snuggled up and just watched some movies on TV and reconnected. It was great! A much needed retreat for 2 who don't see each other much due to not sleeping >.<.

I found this pic on Alisha's blog and I LOVE IT! So I had to steal it for my computer and post it here so you can all see my beautiful nieces! LOVE YOU - and I like your sister pic much better than mine =P.

I'm not the only one...

So I've had a few people notice that I haven't blogged this week =] nice to know I'm watched after - he he. However, as I checked my followings - I'm not the only one that's just not been in the mood to blog. Weird week for all of us I think. I don't know, holiday blues hitting? Last day off until May - the snow if grey and black, the Christmas lights are off - hmm -the sun is out but you can't see it through all the haze here and its COLD~! ewww.

I think ppl believe I were the same clothes everyday since it's hoodie season for me. No matter the shirt underneath, I always have a hoodie on. It's COLD in my dungeon where I spend my days - space heater, regular heat in house on, just a chill. My body is weird, there are a couple of certain temperatures that I get chilled at and my teeth chatter and you'd think it was at around below zero but no - usually around 60 degrees -or a wet cold - like it is right now here.

Not much going on here - my random ramblings above are about it - lol. Life is good, doesn't mean there aren't problems, just means its good. =]

It's not perfect

I made my layout with the Myspace Background Maker. Get myspace layouts, graphics, and flash toys at pYzam.

Some Peace finally... and Facebook- lol what the freak

So for months I made you poor people suffer with me - lol I'm sooooooooo sorry. Sometimes I write here and just hope that my mood is right and no one reads this =] but I do know there are a few that check it regularly ♥.

I typed the other day about enlightenment and finding peace after reading my patriarchal blessing. Well, a few other things have occured now that have helped me regain more peace to my poor little shriveling soul - lol. My best friend Steph called (yeah the one that lost her husband a month ago)- which I still feel horrible that SHE called me not vice versa - but we talked for about 20 min and than I called back after her kids were in bed and we talked for 2 1/2 hrs. I still don't forgive myself for missing Wade's funeral or not getting up to just sit and hold her, but as with any true friend - she accepted me and my sympathy now and didn't begrudge my fraility. I've never felt like I've deserved her as a friend - she is so sweet and considerate - love you Stephy. And I now know her schedule so I WILL get up there. Also, what I knew would come- finally did =], Tyler and I have decided that we will start over and be friends again. I still don't know what I did but I know what traps to not fall into this time and will be more cautious with our friendship. Weird, mutual friends were so upset when we stopped talking and it did hurt for about 3 months (we haven't really talked in 6) but than I regained my Hope (my assurance of things that are to be) in our friendship and just waited. Isn't that always the hardest part of anything? Waiting for the Lord's time or waiting for someone's free agency? Lol like Cherisa, sometimes you just want to punch someone or shake them you know?

Also, a funny little thing called facebook has actually started me using it more and more. Yeah that sentence made no sense. 0.o I started using Facebook - same reason I started playing YPP - Anthony wanted to. So, I got on as the "overprotective mom" so that I could see what he was doing, who chatting too, what info giving, etc. Well once on there - found like 30+ FAMILY members - nieces and nephews I never get to talk to - sister in laws that live states away! How cool is that?! Than, Anthony comes home from YM stating the Bishop is on facebook 0.0 - so now I have a whole new section of friends from my ward- WOW people MY age - LOL. I've also got some of my YPP friends on there, how fun to SEE someone that you play online with =D, and to top it off, I started finding people from High School and they started finding me. How fun to see people's families and what's going on that you haven't seen in 20+ yrs or that you only see on sunday in a formal setting. I think I'm starting to like facebook a little more =] I have like 73 friends now - AMAZING! ROFL

Reclaiming me.... 20+yrs later

Okay so today has been an astonishingly good day - not because of anything I've done - pfft I sooo need to start refocusing >.< , rather a good day for peace. This 17 yr old girl on the right, as many mom's think - has been lost. Or so I was letting myself believe. I now really don't believe that I was ever lost - though some days my brain feels gone 0.o-but that I was tucked away and saved. =] All mom's go through a period of what happened to me? Do I even remember that I have hobbies? Free time? HA HA HA your joking right? A moment of peace? Not even in the bathroom >.<. [This is gonna sound a little sparodic so bear with, it will make sense in the end.]

I've mentioned before that I'd lost contact with a precious friend of mine, that - I've never met. Things happen in lives, the world moves on and we just have to have HOPE and FAITH and continue to pray for those we hold close and those we've lost. A day or night hasn't gone by that I don't pray for Ty - that he'll be happy and successful on the road he's chosen. I can't explain - I'm sure you've all had those times, where you just KNOW that everything will be alright - yes, I can hear Dean, that's the spirit. =] (I'm tired =P) Today crumbles started to show up in the wall built between us, some small but others - really milestones. Faith and prayers are starting to show on my side as my hope in his free will continues. What does this have to do with finding me? HA ha- it does make sense I promise.
I was looking through my dad's book he gave each of us children, that has a section of his favorite poems, the ones we heard every monday night. I found some great ones and forwarded them on appropriately and than I found my patriarchal blessing. I honestly have not read that in perhaps years. As I read it tonight - certain points still apply to my life today - as they did 20+ yrs ago when I received it. Certain people now stand out to me in certain parts but I realize, the part of me that's lost or buried? It's my spirit - what makes me ... me. The girl above, the one Dean married had a strong testimony of the gospel and shared it often, was strong in the church and unyeilding.... I have let time, energy, and the world close in and bury... ME. But not forever, just until attention could refocus to where I needed to be.

My children are the greatest work I will ever do and my greatest responsibility. I need to refocus more on what they are learning from ME than what others are teaching them. They need to hear my testimony, they know my firm stance but some things I've let slide. I didn't lose ME while raising my kids, I got too busy with the daily things that I simply pushed myself aside. Now that my kids are older and don't require the great length of attention younger ones do - I now need to refocus and teach my teenagers how to stand tall, how to be proud but not pretencious, and how to be a witness for Christ. All the things I knew and showered forth 20 yrs ago before my attention was drawn away. Ladies and husbands.... for every time there is a season and a reason under heaven. It's true.

It's Monday.... Drag myself to work.....=]

It's Monday, it's 9:19 am and I've been up - let's just say forever =]. Finally just got up, decided it wasn't happenin. That's okay I have work to still catch up on and phone calls to make all day - ohh Yippee! I think I've confused poochie though, lol for months I've been still asleep at this time and today, up and dressed he thinks we're heading somewhere - poor poochie.

So I really hate it when you have an embedded youtube video and suddenly that link isn't found anymore >.<, what a pain. So sorry, my really cool Linkin Park song is gone. If you aren't fond of rock and roll, don't even attempt the Nightwish video. =D I think that's one of the things that link me and Dean together so well, ha ha we're both rockers. If you don't know us very well, you'd prolly think goody goodies or something like that. We do what we were taught, go above what's required and than when we get home or in the car - WE JAM! LOL, we've laughed so many times and said "What would so and so think if they saw us now?" I'm not talking any soft rock sissy stuff - nope this Nightwish is right up my alley, along with Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Lita Ford, need I go on? Dean goes a little farther than I do - I won't mention his, lol he's prolly already thinking - why did you have to mention that? he he sorry honey.

It was great seeing who I was able to at Sarah's shower! Sorry we had to leave before presents were totally opened =[ but I had appts at home. We missed all of you that were unable to come and tell miss Sarah and mr John - CONGRATS and GOOD LUCK! She is due Feb 2nd. Okay, I've put off work long enough - XD.

EMO

Lol, well I've never considered myself EMO before but if it does truely stand for EMOTIONAL - here I am. =] Unfortunately I think I've passed it on to one of my kids and I know it's needed in this world today, but I am so sorry. Yes, I cry at songs, commercials, movies, poetry - yes I take some things too literally when they aren't meant that way. Many people say they don't understand but its true the opposite way also, we can't understand why you wouldn't understand. Ha ha. =] Isn't life fun?

People don't understand why I would care if I was lied to, why I care that a friend doesn't act like a friend, why work gets in the way of friendships when something happens on the job, why there's never enough time to do the things you dream of in your head.. and so they stay there, unaccomplished. We were sent here to learn, not to sit on our duffers and watch life go by us. At times I think that's how I feel when days come and go and repeat nonstop the same again and again. However, what I'm not realizing is that my job right now is to help my CHILDREN learn and go and strive and be better, hopefully making the world better. I think as women that's the hardest thing. Men, unless they've reversed roles and some need to for uncontrollable reasons, but men - let me see if I can phrase this correctly. My husband works hard to provide for us, even at times working at jobs he hates or projects that don't work. He completed his education, has great friends he's made through work and church and its great to see when he is recognized for the worth he really has. Many of you have completed your education, than started your families - lol, I don't know, this isn't coming out like I wanted it to. I suppose, since I'm 40 in 2 yrs, that FREAK I'm prolly having a mid-life crisis! ROFL, interesting. I suppose I don't think I'm complete, where I'm concerned - that I don't have to give all that I could to my little part of the world =]. However, do ANY of us TRUELY, feel like we've EVER done enough?

Blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah

LOL.. somedays I really feel like that's all I'm saying; however, since I have no one to talk to til the kids get home from school... better to type it here than talk to myself >.< =D right? lol.

So as a control freak... yes, I admit it, it's like - OBVIOUS in some area's of my life. I dun know, should I rephrase that to be a "LAZY" control freak? I have learned to let SOME things slide or I would be MORE insane than I already am... rofl. Like, its easy to not care about the dishes while I'm downstairs, AWAY from them =]. When I'm done here and wander up there - it will totally annoy me. Like I TOTALLY hate my family room (orange carpet, things PILED everywhere, nowhere to sit); BUT, that's where my nice 42" TV and the Wii are :[ hmm. I really LOVE my children but do as every parent and have to figure out how to let them make their own mistakes =[ - UGH - hardest one of all, even if I wasn't a control fanatic. You know the times, family, friend, whoever - when you just want to grab someone and shake them? Yeah, lol.

For those interested, my girlfriend is still in the hospital but out of ICU. I'm hoping she gets to come home soon but she was in horrid shape so not sure when that will be. umm, k, guess I'm done =], really nothing "interesting" on this end. Enjoy the snow! ha ha

Back to the norm.... ewwww!

School starts tomorrow - YAY! oh, did I say that? Booo. HA! I love my kids and love being able to not start work until they all get up when school is out - but I can do without the bickering and the forgetting that I DO WORK and cannot take them everywhere during vacation. =[

So I want to end on a GOOD note for this blog spot -therefore, I'll get this one outta the way. Just interesting the way life works. I'm sure we all have people that we trust and THINK that we know, only to find out later - you were SO far off in left field! Unfortunately it happens to all of us. I really feel bad for those it happens to that are TOTALLY blindsided - husbands and wives, that just kills me - best friends with other intentions, why would they do that to someone? Last month was filled with secrets not told, than revealed regarding friends and their lives. Just makes me sad to think that people do that to each other, thankfully some people are very forgiving. An incident happened to me just the other day, to where I found out someone had been lying to me for over a year- HAHA AFTER they said that they had never lied to me - gotta love it! I really thought I would be hurt and angry, but I think I've done enough praying over this situation in the past 6 months that the Lord's just telling me, it's okay - see how messed up they are? I put you there for a reason. Isn't that a kicker! LOL. I honestly have no feeling regarding what the person did, one way or another - I just look back at my own actions and think WOW - I never stop being naive and a dolt do I? LOL - On facebook, I took a test: Which Pixar character are you? I was DORY! yeah, brainless ditsy me - I believe it said trusting and naive - well, I just proved them right =]. However, it also said that its not a bad thing to be those things. Someone needs to trust people and you never know who will prove you right and deserve that trust and change your life forever. =]

So - ending on COOL news - just like EVERYONE else in Utah it seems, we got a Wii for Christmas! It actually came on New Years Eve cuz by the time we got back from Disneyland they were all sold out. =[ - We have purchased 2 games beyond what came with it (sports) - so we have Cars and Guitar Hero, World Tour. We saw Guitar Hero, Legends of Rock - ooooooooooh , I WANT I WANT I WANT - LOL - but it's a freaky $89!!!! I think I'll wait til next bonus. =P Yes, if you were wondering - Guitar Hero is MY Wii game. I proudly get a 92% on the singing - Ha ha - only cuz they don't judge the quality of voice - just if you can hit the note!