Why do people have to Judge?

I think I addressed this last week but the problem is still there and its eating at me. Really drives me nuts. I know, I know, you can't please everybody at all times and not everyone is going to like you - BUT if they did like you at first why did it change or were they just faking? I really, really wonder at times. And if they were faking - why? what's the point? Humiliation? I don't get it.

A year ago someone judged me unfairly; they simply did not agree with my way of doing things. Okay so since when is it a prerequisite that friends always have to agree or do things the same? It's not. However, this person went so far as to not just get up in my face about it, but to tell mutual friends that I was untrustworthy, not a good friend, yada yada. Well, they had been friends longer with him and you get the idea. This person has since been found to be slighty psychotic and obsessed - hence the anger towards me but I still don't consider it an excuse. Now, a year later, I'm faced with this again, from a different person. Why can't people see that people need different things from different people? If I get coddled from this friend, I don't need the other one to do that - I need them to be reasonable or funny or whatever the case may be. People are in our lives for reasons that we don't always know but I can guarantee that none of us are in each other's lives for the same reason. I hate being judged unfairly, I hate people thinking that I could or would hurt someone deliberately - if they knew me at all, they would know thats not me. Vengeful yes, I will admit to that, but not to someone who has done nothing to me - not to someone I love and protect.

It's sad to lose supposed friends because they can't or don't want to see what's in front of them. Heartbreaking to know that someone thinks your capable of lying, and mean, horrible things - when you've never even done anything but try to get to know them. Strengthening - I hope- to find the courage to cut them loose, let them go and pray that the mutual friend will come to understand and know that it really has nothing to do with them.

Let your light so shine....

There are definately days were it is so much easier to be happy than others. We are told it is our choice to be happy or sad, angry or joyous, etc etc. But is that decision as easy as it sounds? One of my great weaknesses is that I do not have the strength of telling myself I will be happy that day no matter what. I always take things a little too close to heart, a little too pointed, and the majority of the time, it wasn't intended that way. In self help classes your taught to "fake it til you make it" - get up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "I'm beautiful, I'm happy, it will be a good day" and you repeat as often as you need to - you fake it til you make it real. This is what I call my mask.... the fake it til you make real... me trying really hard but sometimes I fail. Lol, if I didn't wow, I'd have nothing to blog about! ha ha

There are days that things are relaxed and it is so simple to make it more real not just for yourself but for others around you also. There are days that are no so wonderful and on those days you need to be able to accept the happiness that someone else offers you. A glimpse of a smile, a good joke, a simple hello. It's not hard to extend, it shouldn't be hard to accept - unless you want to remain in your rotten mood - in that case, its your choice either way.

A friend was blogging the other day about stripping away the wallpaper and paint of her life and getting back down to "her" - finding her and than fixing the holes, sanding the rough spots and starting over. I soooo loved that - it is soooo true. My hope is that while we are striping our wallpaper and paint that we will allow others to assist us and not try to do it alone to where we get overcome with the fumes of paint thinner.

Free Agency... not always what its cracked up to be... for me

So I've been angry the past several days... angry at the world, angry at people, mostly angry at me. Being a recovering perfectionist it's my fault - its always my fault, I should have been able to prevent it or whatever. Yeah, drives poor Dean nuts.

Anyways, I've been beratting myself over "friends" or lack thereof. I never realized what a "scary" person I was. I've always considered myself to be a people person and very friendly unless you get on my badside - than I might scare you =D. I remember my mom and Mimi even saying that when they would go to Relief Society they would sit by themselves. When they went and sat by someone - it was just as good as sitting by yourseld - there just wasn't an empty chair. Eyah - been there, doing that - living that. My mom was very friendly also - so, is it just the look on our face? the air around us? what is it that makes people stay away, even if they know us?

I have had several internet friends over the past 2 yrs - almost 3 yrs now. Since I had my gallbladder taken out and Olivia has been going to school fulltime - I pretty much have no one to chat with - (Dean calls =] unless he's training) so I've been making friends on my game, chatting with them on Msngr. These are all great people, they have problems, yeah who doesn't? If you read my blog you know I'm spotless right? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. ahem, ok.... I have always seemed to have the ability to get people to tell me things - things they maybe wouldn't admit and are amazed they admit to me - amazes me too honestly. I can't believe people trust me that soon without really knowing me........but I am grateful, it feels good to know that people trust you, and I would never want to betray that. It's when it gets betrayed on the other side, that I start head banging and bashing and blame myself. I'm always told when they leave, break off our friendship, whatever...... you've helped me alot, thank you ...... it really has nothing to do with you... BS! Sorry, but if you are leaving a relationship with ME, it has to do with ME - it affects ME. One of my favorite quotes is: We cannot live for ourselves, a thousand tiny fibers connect us with our fellow men. How absolutely, amazingly true. If I'm pissy, my family is pissy, any friends that come over are pissy, anyone I pass on the road becomes pissy - I just don't keep it to myself. That would be really, really nice if that were possible - but it isn't.

I'm feeling better tonight - don't really know why but maybe its because I have come to this conclusion.......... When people say it has nothing to do with me..they are simply saying I'm scared, you've gotten too close. That's fine, it hurts but you have your free agency to say back off, I like you but don't want you near me. That's the crappy part of free agency that we all get to live with I guess, sucks but yeah whatever.

Size-eight-itess

Yep my feet are size 8 and I just shoved my foot into it again. Why do we do that? Why do we unthinkingly say things to people and THAN realize - oh that probably just hurt your feelings! UGH. You would think by now with the moods I'm in constantly and the way I hate ppl saying stuff like that to me - that I would have learned... but no - HEAVENS NO.

Something so simple as a heresay comment, a questioning of integrity and gee - would I be upset? Um... YEAH, it would hurt that someone thought that of me - so why would I think that it wouldn't hurt someone to hear it? One of my best buds has returned to my life after 6 months of agonizing silence. We agreed to not judge each other, to accept each other and not throw any fits - lol - I know that sounds funny. It's almost like it used to be - chatting when there is time, sharing bits and pieces of lives and playing games together online. For my little world that consists of a dungeon office - lol - I really enjoy our visits, jokes and time. Sooooooooooooo what did I do? Well, I didn't break our agreement but I told him about something that someone said - told him it made me sad. It's not the first time its come up so I'm sure he's tired of hearing about it, being questioned - literally. I actually said it more to substantiate my feelings - my trust and that I don't like that others don't feel the same way, know him as I do. But it didn't turn out that way...... once again there is silence, there is hurt, and I am too far away to make it better. Words are what caused it and words aren't seeming to make it any better.

When your on the other side of a computer screen, you can't see a face, an expression, a person really. Words can come out completely out of text - no matter if you know that person intimately or not. There are only assumptions and most often the assumption is of your own making - simply because there is only a computer there. A cold computer who can't see your face, your tears, your anger, your worry, or your pain. It can't put its arms around you and say it will be alright, hold your hand, or give you a kiss. Computers are wonders of technology and a link to a world and people that we wouldn't know exsisted, if they didn't. A world with new friends and wonderful opportunities to share and receive positive exchange.

Words
Unthinking words are harming, unfeeling, and unkind;
not only to the listener, but to others in the line.

Just as a word can heal, soften, and recall;
it can also turn your world around, just one word, that's all.

So think before you speak, please listen closely to yourself.
Is it really worth the anguish, for you or someone else.

kz 3/16/09

Yeah it's been awhile....

So I really did want to post on my mom's birthday on March 1st but lately I can't think of anything to blog about. >.< My world has been so caught up in a couple of others and than figuring out that the all natural pills I was taking to help curb my hunger were actually detoxing me and taking my depression meds outta my body - >.< - erm yeah, its been interesting. I think I'm mainly wanting to post cuz a stinker pot buddy of mine sent me a really graphic vid of decaptiation. All I can say is EWW and WHY would people post something like that? Oh this world is getting disgusting. So I'm hoping to get my mind on other things - wish me luck.

I have a couple of friends that are having "friendship" angsts, as in not really understanding a couple of their friends or the relationship, so I guess I'll post about that. I am self declared the worlds worst friend. I'm always curious and want to know everything, I listen and give advice, but in my eyes, I'm not there for my friends when they really need me.(see previous posts for examples) I also think I am "too much" of a friend and tend to grate on people so I like to give them "breaks" from me - this confuses some people. One of my newest friends said the other day, "you don't give yourself enough credit". BINGO! and I never have - thus my adventure into learning to love myself - will I EVER give myself enough credit? Does anyone? We could soooooooo go into a big thing about that but that's not the topic here =]. HOW are we friends? WHEN are we friends? and WHY does it change?

I've never really understood the whole thing of "becoming friends". There are people I meet that I suddenly just "click" with if you will. Neither one of us has to work at it or purposefully say- I want to be THEIR friend -it just happens. I notice that with those friends, they are the ones that STAY or come back. They are friends that you can go forever not talking to and than one day catch up and feel like you've never not talked. I'm fortunate to have a few of those in my life. I'm gonna mainly just do some really good friend quotes that I've found and if your having relationship difficulties maybe you can ponder on them and figure out what's up for yourself.

"People change, whether deliberate or chemically induced. Just because you change doesn't mean I don't like you."

"True friendship isn't being inseperable; its being seperated and nothing changes."

"A friend is one who knows, and loves us anyway."

Sometimes people change without rhyme or reason or explaination. I think a true friend needs to understand that and patiently wait. If things change drastically, it might not be so easy to wait and friendship - bound or not - may leave us. It is at these times where we face the questions - did I do something? did I miss something? Unfortunately what we have to realize is that it takes TWO to be friends, both working from both sides. We needn't blame ourselves for someone else's actions, mistakes, or problems - but be there to share them with them when they are ready to acknowledge them and move forward. Just make sure you don't stand on the track too long that a friend while leaving, runs you down along the way.