Pfft.... can't win for losing... ha ha

Making a joke at the title without even realizing - hmm guess I am somewhat awake. =]
Why is that a joke? Well cuz I started excercising again- yay me - only crunches and push ups and what happens? I start to spot >.< ok hello? That's just stupid. So - do I keep excercising and lose weight like I'm really, really wanting to do and put up with endless spotting and cramps? or do I just say to heck with it I'm fat and continue hating myself =]. Hmm what a dilema =P.

You will please note by this posting that it is still in the am time frame; however, it is NOT 3am like normal. YAY - well for today anyway. =]

Not really sure what I'm posting today, just felt like I should, so I guess it will show up =]. With this excercise thing, its almost feeling like I'm not taking my pills >.< not a good thing. So its put me in the mood of, who am I? I really, REALLY hate being waffley. Before I die I would really like to know how to have a heathly self-esteem. Not overly confident and not pitiful - just healthy. Accepting who I am and not caring what others think. Right now I keep going up and down. One day my brain tells me all is good, I have friends, this outfit doesn't make me look tooooo fat and than the next day its as if the world has crashed in on me. Why would I think that person liked me - me of all people - what makes me so special? No, no matter what I do, I am fat - no outfits gonna hide that. ARGH! Very frustrating, very irritating - and knowing me I'm honestly not looking at it as an attitude but more as - reality. Meh, enough about that.

Oh what do you do?!? Chaos...

When you look around the world and see all the pain and suffering and don't know why. When someone you love is horribly wronged - how do you answer how can God let that happen? How do you stop those you love from making mistakes that could ruin their life and do you really have the right to? How do you collect all your faith and trust and place it in the Lord's hands that all will be well and sense and good will prevail when it feels that all is lost? Faith in love? Faith in faith? Faith that your love is strong enough.... that good is an overwhelming power over evil - well deserved or not. It doesn't work to shut your eyes and pray it goes away. It doesn't work to supposedly "not know" anything when your head and your soul are screaming in agony.

There are blessings in this life... whether you believe that is what they are or not. There are gifts people give you without a thought - their life, their love, their protection, their trust. Who are we to trample any of those under our feet - forsaking all for one or is that what should be done? Sometimes life lessons feel too hard to bear, yet there seem to be those much stronger than I that keep getting challenged over and over and over again. I crumble just to listen, my soul bleeds and I pray for strength - not just for them but for me - to be able to help them and hold them up until they can regain strength on their own. There is always a better way. There are always two sides and more than one way to reach the end of a goal. Our favorite hero's from past western's are those that defend those they love - every woman's wish and every man's desire for the woman he loves. What is our world coming to or is it that I have just sat blindly not wanting to notice? Why do some feel they are invincible and can do as they please? It sounds very human of me to want to see that judgement day and watch many people throughout time writhe in agony and get their just desserts. Why is that bad of me? Because I am to be Christlike, forgiving and if I do not forgive it eats away me - it damns me. It places me in a hell that isn't meant for me, it makes me not forgive me; therefore, I cannot love me and will than be incapable of loving anyone else fully.

I don't know why, but there is peace. There shouldn't be but there is and for a moment I am grateful for it. I am grateful for passionate, caring friends and family who see wrongs and do their best to make them right. I am grateful they take necessary time to think and find sensible solutions instead of turning worlds upside down unnecessarily.

I am so there....

know that commercial? =]

Ok so my hubby called me (not unusual thankfully) and asked if I was caught up on blogs >.< no. So I caught up inbetween carpool pick ups today. You know that place where you have to decide to wear your "mask" or let people see who you really are?..... yeah, I am soooooo there.
Therefore, I am putting my book that I haven't touched in MONTHS back on line and if you truely honestly, want to read it occasionally, let me know I will send you the link.

With Valentines Day being tomorrow and with reading Amber's blog - I dedicate this posting to my wonderful hubby. The Lord in all his wisdom sent me this wonderfully patient man, the only person I seriously believe could or would put up with me in this life. No matter what my thoughts, my inclinations or stupidity my mind brings forth, I could honestly never see myself with anyone but my dear Deano. Husbands of depressed women are rare and exceptional creatures - they love us and just want us to be happy and don't understand that the way we feel has NOTHING to do with them or the love we feel for them. I'm grateful each day I wake up and see have Dean willing to come home after work, even if home isn't the happiest place on earth that day or if his wife is crying or screaming because - well.. who knows why>!>! So for my sweetheart on sweethearts day... I love you and pray for your eternal happiness - cuz you will definately deserve it.

Anyway- yeah yesterday was one of those days. I like Alisha, think I'm having an allergic reaction to Augmention that I was on - lets see 1875 mg a DAY for 10 days - ya think?!? I cannot stop ITCHING! My palms, my fingers, my ears, my scalp, my neck - UGH - yeah Benadryls a great thing but not so hot when your an innsomniac >.<. Not sure if its Valentines, that time of month, medicines - what but the last couple of days I've just been unhappy. No other word for it - no one's fault but mine and the "committee" (my therapist calls it) in my head (no I don't hear voices =P ) that tells me what a failure at life I am. Than someone will send me something that will boost my spirits and make me happy - than I look in the mirror, ugh - starts all over again. I have beautiful Valentines Day flowers sitting next to me on my desk =D my favorites from my favorite guy - they make me happy - stupid thing is, is it enough?

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack..........

wow that could be scary! =] (poltergeisty)

Wow, sleeping for only 5 hrs on Sunday and having a bum massage actually enabled me to sleep last night and tell my body to go BACK to sleep the 3 times it tried to wake up in the early hours. Yay me! lol I know that sounds really funny - a bum massage but its actually very painful! If you talk to my massage therapist Kimberly (deep tissue) she would tell you I have knots in ALL parts of my body - including my TOES! Well my leg fidgets have gotten to where natural relaxants don't do a thing like they used to - so when I'm exhausted and think YAY sleep- my LEGS say no - UGH! So I'm figuring out that my hips/buttocks are WAY TOO TIGHT (if only they looked it- rofl) and some very painful pressure points helps to relax the muscle that runs down the back of my leg and causes the fidgets. And no - that's no where I want to put Cryoderm >.<. So, I'm not wheezing anymore - the pnuemonia part seems to be gone - NICE! I still have the dragging cough and now stomach pains from MAJOR anitbiotics and steriods. Oh well, I can breath - I am grateful! Was catching up on everyone's blogs =]. LOVE the greenhouse Alisha - you are such an amazing woman to me and Emma doing great on her audition doesn't surprise me at all - she's just like her mom =]. I'm glad you've found your spot again Reb - its good to hear that your happy. Everybody else must be like me and can't think of anything to blog - lol - hopefully that's it and not that your sick >.<.

So my eyes were opened the other day a bit - a smidgeon of understanding was given. I'm not that person so I can't TOTALLY understand but I was given a viewpoint that I hadn't had before. What happens when reality/fantasy criss cross in your life? You become a confused jumbled mess me thinks. So many people that play on my online game - its their LIFE - seriously, this game is their escape from their life and they've created a second life in game. But here's the problem, there are REAL people still in either life and no matter what is built where, it will still affect your real life. I've learned alot from some of my friends on there - #1 how to be grateful I have the life I do and when to walk away when something gets too complicated and can't be seperated anymore. So many other people on the game continually struggle with both of those things... I'm glad its an escape for me - but a mind numbing something something to do to try to relax... nothing else.