Not an Excuse

Well I made a comment on facebook but I decided I needed to vent to that it was "OUT" of my system.  I guess there are times in your life that you know something may not be the best for you but it's something you want and/or it makes you happier for a short time.  In ways, it's good...you get to feel the joy so that you know there is a counter to the pain, you learn that everyone has their own problems that can't be solved or shared no matter how much you may want to help.  I've mentioned before that I make online friends because I have a problem making real life ones .  I am a very social person, I thrive on being around people and hate being alone....therefore, having anxiety while being around people has been very difficult for me over the past 5 yrs.  I have reached out than to people online, so that I am surrounded (in a sense) yet alone.  Most of these people are willing to share a bit of their lives with you, its nice to know that someone cares about your problems somewhere. 

So here is the stupidity lately.  When I went back to my game 5 months ago I found some adults that played, that played like my old friends and was excited.  We became a nice little group and it was fun!  Well a couple of us got close but I guess too close because even though I was on facebook, msn, and on game I was not allowed to be interested in their real life.  Heaven forbid I should be worried about someone's brother who is late getting home or whether or not their job interview went well.  Okay, I guess my idea of a friend is WAY wrong....pfft.  Anyway, when I heard that, I deleted them.  I'm me, I cannot stop caring just because you don't want to share with me, I cannot just "play" with you once I've gotten to know you and not be  curious when you are having a bad day or want to cheer you up.  This person was offended I guess that I deleted them on game because they said we could only exsist "in game".  Well - they obviously don't know me very well.  About 3 weeks later, after they "cooled off" we agreed to try to be friends again.  Back on facebook, msn, and acknowledging again on game.  Chatting on msn was fun, there is a new girlfriend, new job prospect, things were doing good for them.  Than I sent a message on facebook about a request from the Queen of the flag on game and made the mistake of saying "if you are otherwise occupied, when you are done she would like you to get online".  This offended the new girlfriend who saw the text message.  I was than told "you are SO annoying, I told you we can only be friends on game, stop the fb, stop the msn".  0.0 wow...really?  He set up MSN to talk to me, so don't log on than?  And it's my fault that your fb msgs go to your cell phone and that you allowed your girlfriend to read it and she has no sense of humor?  Get real!  Once again, I have deleted them.  Blocked on facebook, deleted on msn, muted on game and dismissed from any working crews.  Within 2 days he acknowledged what I had done in game and started his in game campaign against me.  I am now "immature", I cannot seperate real life from game life and I am hurting the flag because I withdrew my alts from his labor stall and my crew should be dismissed from the flag.  0.o I know I'm a little prejudice but honestly? Who is acting more immature here?  I figure, he can't handle being my friend off game, he can't handle me on game since I am the same person in both places.  I believe it is MY decision who my friends are in either place, where my pirate alts work and don't work since I pay for their badges and the Queen could not dispute that since I joined the flag, NO ONE who is not royalty has done MORE for the flag than me and now my crew.  I'm sorry but I'm confused.  When he didn't want me around, why is he throwing a fit that I'm not?!?! I am not a big believer in having your cake and eat it too - been stuck in that situation most of my life...I'm the too (the excuse) never the cake.

On another note, I broke up a fight between my nephews sitting in my driveway.   The one nephew has pretty much left the church even though he will tell you he hasn't.  He doesn't believe in the prophet, President Monson, he believes that weed is listed in the D&C as an approved herb from the Lord, he believes that his parents have sheltered him his whole life and therefore ruined it for him.  He therefore wants his little brothers to know the "real world" and to bring it into my sisters home.  He wants them to hear him use every cuss word known to man, he wants them to know the smell of weed and its benefits and I could go on and on.  I will just say that he is to the state of mind that no matter what you say to him, it will be bent to his will, his interpretation and his benefit.  Dean and I have discussed the fact that I am not always at church.  I am home more than I am at church.  I know this disgusts some of my family.  Dean and I have talked, I have a current recommend, my Bishop and I have talked.  There are things that I can't handle emotionally, I try and when I force myself I end up crashing physically - it takes everything out of me.  I still hold my calling, I still teach my lessons, listen to conference, etc etc.  At this time in my life, just because you don't see me at church doesn't mean I still don't have a testimony, doesn't mean I have left the church don't have my values anymore.  Unfortunately, I tried to simmer down a comment about the difference between being "spiritual" and being "religious".  I was commenting on how difficult it is to remain religious while not going to church as it is something I myself was struggling with - that you can be spiritual but it is different.  ERG...I was than the "excuse" for his behavior in a discussion with his mother later that week, "well Kathee said she is having my problems also".  I don't believe I said that, man I really hate how people twist words to suit themselves and their situations.

Fall in the air......... ahhhhhh

3 loaves of bread, 2 8X8 pan's of brownies, homemade stew and a good book.  I fear I am almost done with all that I can read in the books that Iris Johansen has written.  This makes me sad, I really enjoy her books...so I guess in a little bit I will be off to find another new author.  I have a couple on hold at the library to try, I've just really enjoyed the mix of people, situations, intrigue and that in most of her books I'm finding that she tells the next character's story in the next book. =]  I love that!  So far, I've seen the life of one character in 4 books and she's expanding through other books the other characters and people that surround them...how fun and intriguing.

If you read anything on my facebook wall within the past week, you'll see that I've deleted two of my newest and closest pirate friends.  One I miss but am okay with deleting.  I've always had a knack for attracting people who's lives are completely different than mine.  My mom used to call it lost puppy syndrome, I call them friends.  I call it learning about life, being grateful for the life I have and was given and learning an appreciation for those that I get to know in real life and online.  Neither of these guys were over 30 - in fact, one was 23.  He is the one I think I'm okay with losing - and I don't say that losing a friend in fact I'm sad that I've hurt him.  His comment to me was that anytime anyone gets close they leave...and I didn't intend to and he's a nice guy.  However, I will admit that he wanted more than I was willing to give, which understandably upset him but he respected me for that also.  Unfortunately, when I chose to leave, he threw my life back in my face and apparently didn't understand me all that well at all.  I'm saddened by that and by his hurt feelings but the way things were going had to stop and the only way I knew to stop them was by pulling away - completely.  On the other side if you know me well at all, you know that I won't stay away if I have any say in it - I don't like hurting people and I don't like losing friends.
The other guy our relationship went fast...almost too fast and I think it freaked him.  Usually guys like Harv are cool, aloof and impersonal.  It has to do with being in the military and since my dad was that way, I totally get it.  My last friend I lost, Mel wasn't military but was a bouncer - same type of protective instincts and closed off personality.  I had to worm my way into Mel and his life - ok worm is not the right word, more like bulldoze.  I didn't need to do that with Harv and I think it took us both back a little and he ran....sort of.  Unfortunately he did what I can't emotionally handle - he withdrew...giving just enough of himself each day to keep me around but nothing else - no playing (pillying) or stuff that I was used to - total absence, just a name on a screen.  For a reason unknown and still unknown to me - his excuses where just that, excuses.  He knew it and I knew it and I could feel it wasn't about to change...so I left.  I totally left.  I deleted him on facebook, msn, and from all my shoppes on game and him as a hearty on game.  After a day of wretching pain I could think and focus better and I tried to reach out - twice.  A fault of mine...I can't leave things be, I hate for people to be hurt by me or think badly of me, I want to leave things on an even keel.  I have enough problems without adding friends that are now enemies to my list.  Well, unfortunately it didn't work, I don't even know that he read what I wrote him- I just know that I'm now a "stalker" and I'm muted on the game.  Sigh...but weird ...because I don't really feel like I've lost him or maybe I have and that was the gut wretching pain I felt and than disappated.  I don't know...I never know...ugh how annoying. =P

Under the weather....

Which is really annoying in more than one way.  For the first part, Fall is my absolutely favorite season of the entire year.  Most years I feel cheated because it lasts maybe just 2 weeks in Utah - >.< seriously?    This is why I love Fall.....

1.  The crispness in the air.  I am a 70 degree person all the way.  I love the comfort and security of a hoodie and a slight bite in the air allows me my favorite clothing.  It also feels fantabulous!
2.  I can BAKE!  With Fall here it means holidays and holidays mean BAKING to me!!! Happy, happy, happy me....baking is an escape and a way to show my love for others.
3.  Beauty all around.  Fall means color change .... the mountains, the tree's, the flowers....in Utah if your lucky you can even catch green grass, sprinkling of white snow, and beautiful red and yellow leaves. =] Gorgeous.
4.  Windows are OPEN....A/C is OFF....what more can I say =].

Anyways....I hate my body.  Well besides what I see in the mirror =P...I am falling apart.  I have actually been falling apart since I was born BUT....everyone's old addage of being over 40 makes it worse has come to pass.  Bah.  I have worked on computers for ...forever!  Before Anthony was born I got checked for Rhuematoid Arthritis - the diagnosis was that it was either Carpal Tunnel or RA but they couldn't say which at that point because they have the same symptoms and I have RA titters.  They did say that since than - so from age of 23, I've had Osteo Arthritis.  Usually it doesn't bug me unless there is a major jet stream coming through  - but now - instead of my wrists, its my freaking SHOULDER!  From working the mouse - really?  I can barely move my shoulder some days to do my hair >.< and it is working through my neck and down the front of my trapizoids?  Anyways - that comes and goes.  However, I have these lovely lungs.  Ugh.  I was diagnosed with reactive asthma about 6 yrs ago - they say it comes from my allergies.  So, whenever I start wheezing I resist going to the Dr - I know he will just say it's allergies are you using your inhaler?  Than Dean always heads to the Dr and comes back with bronchitis - yep got it from me >.< - and than another week or two - heading into about 6 wks now my chest hurts and I've started an antibiotic because I wheeze constantly, my chest hurts, my sinuses are killing me.  I've woken up twice with Asthma attacks in the middle of the night - really?  Never happened before and really scary.  Uh - the pleasures of getting old.

 

Fun things:  Anthony and Arianna went to Layton Homecoming this past weekend. =]

I go my hair recut - and highlighted - you can't see much of it here but that's okay =P.  It's supposed to have sides but I haven't been in the mood to put up with them so they are pushed behind my ears >].

A Full Week

It was payroll week - we actually balanced - which was awesome and helped each of us to get to places that we needed to be on Wednesday.  Olivia turned 11 today.  Time has really flown by - I wouldn't mind that so much if I had good recollection and memories of the past 11 yrs or 20 for that matter but I confess I don't.  Maybe that's a good thing, maybe I've acted in ways that I shouldn't remember or don't want to remember; however, maybe that's bad in I feel I miss some of the little things I should remember for my kids.

Olivia participated in Little Lancelle's this week.  She wants to be famous - she's a lot like her mom.  Hopefully though she will have the confidence I lacked.  She and her best friend Mary went to  3 2 hr practices and than danced at half time at the LHS football game on Friday.  Friday was also her party with her friends - so 3 went to the first half of the game with Dean and I.  Poor things, they knew nothing about football or who was playing and were bored out of their skulls.  Thankfully, they were very good sports about it and had each other.  Left to Right on the bottom picture....Olivia, Kara, Emily, Ivey, and Mary.  The got little purses that looked like jean skirts to decorate and put their party favors in :) - they watched the movie Prom - such a tween thing to do and loved it.  Ate McD's chicken nuggets, fries, 7up, Mickey Mouse cupcakes and strawberry ice cream.  I hope they had a good time - it sure was loud enough. >.<

I got Anthony's butt out the door and over to the Physical Fitness Merit badge counselor's house today.  He's had that badge done for over 6 months - took him 4 times to do it - seriously?  That is pure laziness - he's a Sr this year and has taken gym all but 2 yrs since 7th grade. >/ grrrr.  His Eagle Project is finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Hence get yer but over and get your last badge signed off!  He's been filling out his paperwork and is almost complete with it.  Tomorrow is the court of honor so he will turn the paperwork in to his leaders for approval and his badge for getting - NEXT court of honor - >.< doofas.

Anthony and Max at Olivia's party when they poked their heads in the door.  If Max doesn't get his bum moving he won't get his Eagle - it's finished - just that ONE merit badge and he turns 18 in January. >.< *sigh

*Sigh

Good news first....its hot.  It's freaking hot which I hope means that my gazillion tomatoes have turned red.  Dean brought home about 10 last week and I've consistently eaten at least one whole one a day. :) I love garden fresh tomatoes, in fact I crave them during the season.  You all may think this gross but don't knock it until you try it but my favorite tomato thing is sliced tomato on peanut butter toast - little bit of salt and pepper.  Om nom nom....it mixes the salty with the sweet, add the pb protein and it's perfect!  I should have enough tomatoes to make salsa and freeze diced tomatoes but I also intend to make tomato jelly.  They make jalapeno jelly so why not?  A tomato is atleast a fruit!

I'm blogging today cuz I feel I owe atleast one person an explanation.  I need to see Sarah or something but it feels like I don't even take my medication these days. >.<  I'm tired, I'm angry, I feel ugly and yeah, not the most pleasant person to be around.  For this reason I have missed set dates with friends and feel that I will be missing other things for the next little while.  I try so hard to keep my mask in place, to go along with what others what because I know that would be what my "normal" self would do and its what people expect.  Hell I don't want to.  I have been for most of the summer and I'm finding that I can't right now.  I can function but I don't want to, but I do it anyways and than I suffer and if I can't control it long enough my family suffers :(.

So there is the explanation.  The reason I haven't been blogging, the reason I haven't been cooking, the reason I haven't been on fb but to check on friends maybe once a day and than gone again.  I don't want sympathy - just wanted it out there.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Atleast I wish I was sleeping.  However, thankfully I am getting tired  - that is a plus.  Wow, my house is SOOO quiet.  Anthony not being here to stir up his little brother and sister or holler with friends while playing video games is sad.  Not that the other two aren't noisy enough when we all get home in the evening. :)  Anthony hasn't even texted us or responded to his schedule text 0.0 .... I really hope this is meaning that he is having too great a time to even think about his cell phone.  He was excited to go and couldn't wait until we left so that he could "be" - that's a pretty cool thing to see.

This week is starting to go by fast and is filled with crap and I can feel my body responding to it.  No, not in a good way.  I go to bed - set my alarm, dreading when it will ring and wishing I could sleep.  However, I've been waking up a good 30 min to hour before my alarm is set to go off!  Seriously?  Ugh.  That means I've had ...erm... maybe 15 hrs sleep in the last 72 hrs? My brain and mouth aren't communicating again which really ticks me off  - I sound like such a complete idiot because I seriously can't think of words.  I can work and I can even find some mistakes but I can't explain it to you or tell you - pfft.

Later today, after she gets off work, Olivia will be heading down to her cousins for a few days.  Yep, just Ben home.  I asked him today - "You kind of like it don't you?" ...I got a sheepish - "Ya".  Worries me a little but he atleast gets showered, dressed, chore done, and eats before he heads for the video games or calls his friend to come over and play the video games.  Hoping that his cousin will be able to trade with Olivia and come back with me  - they like to hang out together and rarely get the chance to.  Dean's parents arrived in town tonight - took us to dinner, visited for a bit and are headed to Eagle Mountain tomorrow.  Dean's little brother has evaluation appts for cocular impants (I know I spelled that wrong) and since my sister in law is still having some problems - they will help with transportation and information.  Dean's dad had a knee replacement last month and is getting around really, really well.  However, after 5 hrs in the car today - he was tuckered out and they headed back to the motel. 

Learning how to do another set of payroll - lots of splits, seems all 7 properties like to share employee's, they have overtime, and there was  a holiday. >.<  Thankfully Susan entered it into the system so that she was able to make corrections as she went along.  Tomorrow, I do what I learned 2 weeks ago - lol, we'll see how much I retained. =P

Going too fast........

Holy Crap Summer is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

My kids start school in 2 freaking weeks - 2 weeks!  I have done no school shopping, clothing or supply wise - we have most Dr/Dentist appts done but glasses not ordered.  I think I am falling behind and I don't like it.  Anthony has the opportunity to go to EFY (Especially For Youth) up at BYU Idaho this next week.  I am really excited for him, I hear nothing but good stuff and about good friendships that come from EFY.  His cousin Terry is going with him, they should have an amazing time.  However, that does not leave me much time to get his schedule squared away and some decent looking clothes on him before school starts.  We are heading to my sister's cabin for a get away the week before school - however, there are outlet malls in Park City...hmm, I think I like that idea. =D

Ben has a Dr appt up at PCMC on the 17th with a pediatric cardiologist.  I'm really hoping there is nothing seriously wrong, that it is an adrenal problem - ok I know that can be serious - but I would know where the adrenal problem comes from and they could hopefully prescribe something that would help.  Poor kid is like his mom now and has a hard time getting his body to shut off so he can sleep - no not his mind, his body.  I'm told he's in constant fight or flight mode like me - ugh, I am doing this to my child and there is nothing I can do about it.  I absolutely hate it. 

I am finding new idea's for my next romance book.  I still haven't edited the first - I think I'm afraid to.  Lol, I already have idea's on what I want to edit out and add but I'm afraid that once I get started I'm going to get caught up in my storyline again and totally forget how I wanted it changed.  I'm known to do that you know, my brain train goes off the track and never returns on multiple occasions. =]  I started a book called "Bear Trapped" and I believe I will use the same characters but in a different situation - than maybe I can get past writing only two pages. =D   As far as my "Learning to Love Myself" goes, for now I am just writing.  Writing as the inspiration hits, or the problem manifests itself.  One day I when I feel that that part is complete, I will have to print all my blog enteries and than try to figure out how to mesh them together to where they make sense.  Ha ha....yeah, that will take a whole other lifetime. =]

One of the things I am finding with playing Puzzle Pirates again are inspirational stories of these new people I meet.   I find that  where some people are concerned, I am easy to talk to - this I like, because I am the worst curious cat in the world.  I've made a new British friend.  I make a habit of saying Hi to everyone who logs on while I am on or those that where there when I got there.  Most people don't - that's rather annoying to me, it's nice to be recognized or atleast acknowledged that you exsist.  Goldrolex was one of these pirates, after so many "hey's" he started asking me to help on his pilly's.  Than we started just chatting - most people try to sound snarky or flirty on the ocean so I was a little concerned.  However, now that I know his story and that he has a "Miss" lol his wife, a son and one due anytime I am much more comfortable chatting on vent during game time.  It is so fun to hear people's accents and the way they play the game.  It's good to know that I am not the only one who talks to her computer when I booch a job - Lol.  I digress - back to Gold...there was a pirate on two nights ago that was drunk as a skunk and a royal pain in everyone's keester!  He was removed from the crew and yeah - it was just an interesting night.  Well, the captain today was chatting with me and Gold when I asked how it resolved.  He was drunk, he doesn't even remember being on the game. 0.0  -_-  seriously?  Pfft.  Gold made some pretty good points about him.  First off let me say, I have yet to meet one person on the game that doesn't have a problem of some kind - we are all human right?  But I mean, most are depressed or have some other problem - why else do you go to another reality (game) and play with other real people  - to escape your own reality of course.  Yes, its a virtual field of roses for a wanna be "needs to help" person like me.  Anywho - Dark (drunk pirate) his parents are drunks, they beat him growing up and now he is a drunk, battling, etc.   Than Gold told his story.  Gold ranaway at 13 - his mom's boyfriend was beating him, she wouldn't believe him.  He was homeless for 3 yrs, did the rounds with drugs, alcohol - I'm sure you name it.  However, he is now 23 - 10 yrs later, he has a good job, a mortgage on his own house, a wife and kids.  He's proud of what he's accomplished to be where he is today but not of who he is.  I told him he should be proud of both.  Not many people have the courage or the strength to pull themselves out of the streets, out of addiction, and turn their lives totally around for the good.  Many of us use excuses to stay in our homemade hell, use the fact of being alone (or no support) to stay in our comfort zones instead of finding a better place that would contain love and support.  I like making new friends in other countries, hearing their stories of accomplishment and success, cheering them on as they continue forward and taking a little of their strength and inspiration and moving myself just a little further down the road than I was before.   Paix. ♥                     

A matter of trust

It hit me today.  I don't know when and I don't know why but it finally hit me.  I have trust issues.  I expect and crave trust from others and yet I don't trust them. 

I was thinking about what I blogged about yesterday, about how I remove people from my life before they get sick of me or feel like I am protecting them from myself.  What I'm really doing is protecting myself from being hurt, the possibility.  I don't TRUST that they would accept me, the real me.  I don't trust that they could love me for who I am, what I am, the things I do.




Wow, hindsight....it really sucks.

Sunday Morning Therapy

I purchased a book a couple of years ago called "Feelings buried alive never die".  A friend of mine in Canada was going through therapy, they were using this book, so I bought it and told her I would read through it with her.  Well things happened, she didn't get through the book and neither have I yet.  It continues to sit in my pile of  "MUST READ" books along with my newest that Dean got me for my birthday, "Through His Eyes, Rethinking what you believe about yourself".  Do you see a pattern here?  Lol, yes, there is a definate pattern here and it is the pattern of my life.  I have fought depression since I was in my teens and when I had to read "Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather for an Independent Study course I started to fall in love with self-help.  I have been to seminars, I have read and collect books, and yet, here I still am.  In a way  I don't think this is bad, I believe that becoming the person you want to be and could be is a life long process.  Things happen, roads go from smooth to rocky to non-exsistant, walls get built, walls fall down and sometimes our worlds seem to crash around us.  "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger".  Yes, this is true, but I believe we have to acknowledge that we are still here - not dead - and move forward, letting ourselves know that we are stronger and we have won.  We need to congratulate ourselves on succeeding, on being, and overcoming.

With that said, I have pulled that book out today and told myself I will do some reading in it.  Enough with escaping into non-reality to hide, I need to once again face hard things - accept them, adjust, grow stronger and move on.  I've already degressed in my PTSD since Dean's grandmother's funeral so now is the time to try to help myself climb back up the couple of steps that I fell. 

Losing friends is never easy - especially when you have no one to blame but yourself and they are unforgiving.  I've mentioned before that I do not see myself as a good friend.  I don't know what my few friends think but as far as I am concerned they are far better friends to me than I am to them and I thank them for that, and I also feel guilty for that.  I feel that I demand too much, ask too much and that they grow weary of it all.  That is a self realization that I do not cherish and am finding that I do not know how to correct.  I feel that I pull away instead letting people get too close or I delete them from my life before they can tire of me.  Most just leave of their own accord, drifting away until suddenly they are no longer there.  For the first time in my life, some one I deleted because I felt it was what they wanted (no I didn't ask, I assumed because of the way things had become) has now blocked me from their life.  I am a child.  I yearn for affirmation that someone still loves me and that my thoughts weren't correct, the stupid things I tell myself are misguided.  So this is new and I'm not sure how to feel.  It feels like they have corroborated my feelings, that I was right all along and they had been pushing me out.  Whenever I push someone away because I feel that I am saving them from me or that it is what they want, I still reach out to them through out time - just to test the waters, just to see if I was mistaken.  This is the first time I've been shunned and by someone I had actually trusted with part of me.  Now, I do what I feel is logical.  I retreat.  From everyone.  If one person has rejected me I feel that others must feel the same way and simply are too nice to say anything or to show it.  I start to rebuild my walls around my heart and brandish a new mask that keeps everyone at bay.  This is no way to live.  I hate this.  I have been working on this since I was 16 and I never seem to be able to get it right.  No, that is a false statement.  From the years of 17 through 20 I was fine.  I was self assured, I knew who I was and I finally didn't care what other people thought.  I found good - not popular but GOOD friends who loved me for me and for the first time since middle school, I didn't have any bullies.  Which totally makes me laugh that I would ever have had any.  I was the friend protector in elementary school, I was the one that beat the little boys up when they annoyed my friends and I had lots of friends and actually boyfriends. Lol, maybe I should just blame all of it on raging teenage or starting teenage hormones. :)  But I won't.  I'm typing this, I'm facing facts, acknowledging myself and my feels whether they are right or wrong and my perception which I'm pretty positive has always been skewed. =P

Is that REALLY how I feel?

Every day after I have one like yesterday, I stop and think.  If the funk is gone and the depression lifted do I still feel the way I did?  It's interesting, think about it.  Depression takes feelings that we already have and (according to some friends) is like adding alcohol.  Your feelings are more intense, more angry, more sad, more disillusioned.  I usually try to hold those days in, I try not to post here or on facebook, for than I scare a few wonderful people in my life and I don't like doing that.  Obviously, there are days that are more severe than others and I end up posting.  In case it happens again, please note, my systemic candidias carries its own form of depression.  I am currently trying to detox from my Candidias but I am concerned that it is detoxing my WHOLE body and therefore taking my depression meds out of my system.  Yay me!  Yay you - well, not so much yay you unless you can put with a weird or onery or very depressing post every now and than.  Hopefully you will just understand, maybe ask if that's still what's happening and go on with your life. :]

So my comment.......it leads to my saying that I have been repeating to myself regularly these days.  "Is it really YOU I miss or is it the memory, the thought, or the feeling?"  I really have to wonder that.  It's great to look back at people and remember the good times but I think it illogical to not remember the bad.  There had to be a reason for the bad or for the fight - all that didn't just magically disappear.  My parents didn't become perfect just because they died.  I know and I lived my memories of them; however, I think in the case of death or removal that we want to cling to the good things.  We want to remember them in a  positive way so that we have justification for grieving.  Do we need justification to grieve?  NO.  Hello.  Than why do we make ourselves justify our actions?  Accept what is going on, why it is going on and don't try to put it in a perfect little box on a perfect little shelf in the corner of our life.  No one's life is perfect, if yours is, sorry, but you're lieing to yourself and everyone else.  I don't believe that life is supposed to be perfect, I believe it is supposed to be filled with heartache, joy, sadness, grief, difficulty and STRENGTH.  I wouldn't know how to be strong if my life wasn't the way it was, my life has made me who I am, whether for good or bad - which I guess kind of depends on the day these days. =P

I won't deny that I have emotional attachments to my friends.  I love them.  Male and female, old and young.  Some I gather into my fold and adopt directly into my life, others I hold at arms length.  Those I let in usually get to see the real me.  My mother and Deano are the only ones that have ever met the real me.  So it is a priceless gift I give if I let down my barriers and remove my mask.  I think that's what made my best friend leaving so difficult.  I had let down my barriers and he was beginning to.  No one has seen the real him, it's guarded more heavily than my heart.  So here it is...of clear mind and no sinking gut feelings today....what I miss is a friend.  Someone to make stupid jokes with that makes them squirt coke out their nose cuz they can't believe I of all people would say that.  Someone to play my games with and just knowing that if I needed advice about my kids or husband, someone was there.  What I don't miss?  Being totally blindsided by rage when I miscalculated his mood or did something I thought he'd like which he didn't.  Being talked about with other friends that I don't consider friends anymore.  Never knowing what mood he was in and because it was internet, not being able to judge for myself....I was often wrong - see above.  Do any of these things make him a bad person?  Heavens no but is he an angel?  HA HA HA...he'd spit coke and fall out of his chair at that notion.  No, he was simply my friend, someone to talk to at 1am when we were both sleep deprived, giggly (yes men get giggly) and wondering why the heck we couldn't sleep.  I ruined it, I know it and now after freakin 6 months I need to get over my stupidity and get on with my life and let the poor man do the same.  I am no angel - HA HA HA HA HA...ahem, I sometime OVER admit when I am wrong and I take others guilt upon myself for which really, really annoys certain people. :]  I still hold out HOPE, today the sun is shining and you never know what the future will bring; however, today I am also smart enough to know that it won't be tomorrow, or maybe next year or it may be never.  Yet whenever it is or isn't, that's okay.  I'm grateful for the friend I had, the fun times we shared and the fact that I got to know someone better than most.  I am blessed.

I'm an Idiot

This song is how I'm feeling.  A couple of friends will understand the words and that they may pertain to certain parts of their life currently.   "What have you done now?...I've been waiting for someone like you but now you are slipping away...why does fate make us suffer? Would you mind if I killed you?  Would you mind if I tried to cuz you have turned into my worst enemy, you carry hate that I don't feel."

Yeah I get in these moods.  I always like to think that I would never give up on anyone that we all are human, we all make mistakes but if you care enough about each other than at sometime it's possible to come back together - forgive the wrongs and start again.  I've been fortunate to be able to do that several friends - not so much with family.  However, even though there is ALWAYS that angst with that certain family member, we can reside in the same room for up to about 2 hrs we've discovered.  After that something always happens and it goes downhill fast.  My FB status yesterday was talking about giving up and the pain it causes.  Ugh - sometime I don't like being tender hearted, I don't like being empathetic and I REALLY don't like breaking away from someone I love.  It feels like I've lost my parents all over again.  Sorry Beck if this status upsets you some, even though it isn't my husband and I can't feel near the pain you do - ....enough said.

Who needs sleep?!?! 0_o

I am in an incredibly good mood for actually getting to bed/sleep at 6:00 this morning! Gah.....I haven't done that since before MARCH...at the moment no big, I'll let you know in 5 hrs as I'm wandering around my house too tired to sleep, too tired to walk, too tired to read...WHAT?!? *sigh, yes, sad but true. I guess I should really re-write that sentence and say "as I stumble around my house" :]. Today was definately a "NO contacts" day for my poor little burning red eyeballs...glasses it is. Don't ask me why but it only takes my 5 min to put my contacts in - I've been doing for what ? 25 years....but when I don't put them in, I'm ready like 15 min faster! Hmm..go figure. :S

This week is payroll....that is what I was hired to do. Payroll for a fitness club that was giving my sister a migraine every other week :]. Well, it has new management and they are actually letting their "directors" be directors and check payroll, etc, etc. I know...isn't that a really novel exciting idea?!?! :] I thought so! ;] sarcastic toot that I am. Anyways, I spoke with one today who has the biggest headache of the facility - the group fitness instructors. I noticed an instant bond and sisterhood with her comment, "I sent out a note that said "If you don't sign in for the class you're teaching you WON'T be paid for it!"" I think she and I will get along fabulously! <3

My Sci-Fi shows all start this week - wootcha! Tonight started Eureka, Warehouse 13, and a new one called Alpha. Friday is the start Haven :]....this is probably a very positive reason that I am in such an excellent mood. Olivia wanted to get between her eyebrows waxed today >] ... I really am a mean mom on occasion.... O:o me? Does this halo look tilted? >] shhh. Anywho, I got eyebrows waxed and with naturally curly eyelashes and eyebrows, let me tell you waxing is awesome! My brows have never looked so good - but again, I digress :] ...... needless to say, when she saw the lady get the wax out on the little stick she almost LEAPT out of the chair, "NO that's okay, I've changed my mind". LOL I'll remind her of this in 5 yrs when she's 16. Can you say 10 going on 30? and now residing once more at 10 again ..he he he.

I love authors who can create such a believable character that you fall in love with them and with some creative talent of your own can almost picture them. :] *sigh, that's all I'm gonna say on that matter :X.

Drama vs Comedy

Drama can be entertaining right? *eye roll* This blog is supposed to be entertainment for some of my buds, the truth of my life for me and well maybe it's just too depressing for others at times. Welcome to my life, as the blog states, It's NOT Perfect by any means, way or form. I haven't been wanting to post downers lately but that seems to be what has come about. I believe it's due to Grandma Eledice's funeral. My PTSD seems to have taken 5 steps back since we first heard she was going catatonic. I MADE myself get through the drive to and from Oregon, all the family functions, the viewing, the funeral, my singing - even though my body kind of didn't let me get through it how I wanted :(. I would feel my body taking over, the feelings of angst, wanting to curl up into a ball, cry constantly and for no reason, get away from people, etc etc. However, I couldn't DO any of that. There were 2 cars and 3 drivers. Anthony went and hung with one of his favorite cousins that he never see's and a cousins hubby - so that made only 2 drivers. I had to go places, I couldn't hide, so I doped myself up, steeled myself, and put my mask on. I guess I thought I could crash when I got home and that would be the end of it but it's week 2 of being home and it hasn't - oh bother.

Anthony went with the Adam's up to their cabin this weekend, he hasn't been for awhile and decided he wanted to go off jumps on the ATV he hasn't ridden in oh 4 months. Yep, he crashed. Thankfully though he fell arm first, skidded, flipped onto his back and whipped his head around. He says he didn't feel anything but the motion regarding his head - THANK YOU THANK YOU Susie for making them WEAR their HELMETS! He is only scratched up and bruised and I am very happy to say that. I used to have nightmares when I was pregnant with him that even though he was in my womb I still couldn't protect him. I would dream that I would fall down the stairs or someone would stab me in my belly. Lol - yes, you all know how psycho I am now - deal with it. :D

Went to the garden on the 6th to learn how to do the water gates & turns for the irrigation water. Got my feet nice and wet, which actually HELPED stopped the dripping of sweat from my forehead - ewwww. SWEAT - EW~! I'm sorry but I can't STAND to sweat, nor glisten its just ick. There, now you have one of my quirks too - shudder. Anywho - Tyson walked me around, moved the gates, explained things and than we had to wait. Do do do - ha ha it really wasn't that bad considering that Tyson is really a nice guy and a good listener. Yes, scary combo for him since I have the GIFT of gab. However, I did learn some pretty fun facts about Tyson and what makes him tick. Anybody know of a good lady out there we can set him up with? He is currently dating but still looking as of yet - lol. It's been storming the last couple of days so I haven't had a chance to get back to the garden and see how big my plants are now. I had around 6 zucchini's already sprouting and 2 pumpkins that I could see - YEEHAW! I'm so excited that the garden has actually WORKED - who'd have thunk it? I know I'm really good at growing weeds but real plants? :D

I found a book about being an author by the current author I am reading and loving. Her name is Janet Evanovich. Emily I recommend her to you, I think you would LOVE these books but I started on HIGH FIVE not book one - yep they are all numbered and go up to 17 - the latest. I don't recommend these for all people, simply because she throws the F bomb in there helter skelter and there is one sex scene - multiple sexual innuendos however, hers are nice, they aren't crude and they leave LOTS to your imagination - which could be good or bad. *Back on track....* I picked it up at the library today and once I'm finished with book 16 - I totally intend to read it and hopefully find it useful! I'm been thinking alot lately about starting my edits on the book I completed...honestly I don't even remember if I named it! Ha ha ha ha ha, wow, great author I am ;).

Life Thoughts by Ducky...and me?

I signed up for an excercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't you know it............brain cells come and brain cells go but FAT cells live forever!

Don't argue with an idiot.......people passing by may not be able to tell the difference.

(My Favorite......)
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

-----------------------------------
Next to Maxine the Ducky cartoon sent to me via email was excellent.

Lately I've been trying to re-examine myself, my stupidity with my emotions and the lack thereof that I have to control them. I look at my set of friends that I've pushed out of my life. I still care for all of them but for some reason or other I shut the door on them and have tried to not have any contact. Don't get me wrong, my curiosity would kill a truckload of cats each hour on the hour so I usually know in some way or other how they are or that they are still okay in their own little worlds. Tyler - I pretty much adopted this kid in my heart but too many things just didn't make a complete puzzle. He claimed he would tell me anything I wanted to know - question ended up was I an idiot to believe him? We had a huge argument 2 yrs ago, he came back 6 mo later and stayed about 6 months than left again - no word. Last year he sent an email saying Hi, wanting to know how I was and how our mutual friend was. When I told him I no longer spoke to her he never replied. He sent me an email THIS year - out of the blue wanting pictures that he had sent me and drawn for me (supposedly). When I sent them he wanted to small talk - I'm no good with small talk when water isn't fully under the bridge. He claimed to be "shocked" at my reactions to talking to him, I told him he could disappear for another year - he has. I told that to Brandon who laughed - this is not my normal response to people unless you've done something to me that you haven't cared to explain or just don't care about. I seriously wonder if T just has a multiple personality disorder or what. It's like I was talking to 2 different people most of the time, one calm, one aggressive - one nice, the other deliberately using me. I guess I will never know. :) Brandon - I have known this kid since he was 14, he turns 20 in October. We've had ups and downs, deletions, scream fights (online of course) and we've had a lot of fun. I don't approve of some things Brandon does but that doesn't mean I don't like Brandon. Right now he's on my computer on fb and the cptn of one of my alts on YPP but we really don't talk - we both still have baggage hanging out there and water kind of stopped up not being allowed to flow. We've tried and discussed a few things but there are still some very personal items that are still there mainly on my end - his end just doesn't care, that is probably my biggest problem. Those are the teenagers - than there are a few adults.
Heather, is probably reading this. I know she checked my blog a couple of months ago - probably like me, just checking to see that I'm okay and everything is alright. I met Heather threw one of my teenage friends - they were friends in real life. This teenager died and asked me to help look after Heather. I love Heather, she has had more crap in her life than any one person should ever have to put up with or deal with. I've been on the other side of the computer when some of that has gone down - that's a very hard situation to be in - knowing something is happening but unable to do anything or help. Heather did her best to be the kind of friend she felt I deserved but that included us lying to each other. She not telling me what really was going on and me not telling her everything in my life because I knew she couldn't handle it or fully understand it. That's okay, but that's not a good ground for a friendship. Heather does amazing for herself and her son considering her life - most people would have given up long ago but she keeps fighting and surviving. I'm hoping that I am through enough of my PTSD to try friendship again with her, I miss her. I couldn't handle what was going on with her and my own mental/emotional life disappearing, I had to make a choice and for my family I chose me. Mel - hmm :) Mr Mel, my M&M - hard and crunchy on the outside but melt in your mouth soft on the inside. I literally bullied my way into Mel's life and he let me. I will always be grateful and I miss him the MOST of any of my lost friends. Mel would stay up with me when my body wouldn't let me sleep - he'd keep me company on YPP or we would just talk if I was working. Nine hours was our record - lol, we chatted from midnight to 9 one day because I couldn't sleep. We learned alot about each other, not important stuff of course - the silly quirks, stuff like that. We mostly learned that even though our worlds are VASTLY different, we liked alot of the same things - theater, movies, books, music and games. Mel is the little brother I never had, me the big sister he never had..we once were that close. Than I did something at the time felt right because I was scared and worried and had gone through something similiar with Heather. Because of our differences he freaked, he bolted, and than I did what I do best and I started to blame myself. Martyr (he called them) emails from me trying to understand what I did wrong were sent for over a month - wow, I guess I never got over being whiny or needy....crap. We finally started talking again but it was never the same. Log on's with no acknowledgment of the other being on, no texts, no IM, no games, only fb and that was gaming talk about every 3 to 6 weeks. I lost my second best friend and I figured I had to deal with it - obviously it was hurting me more than him since he still was texting, IM'ing and gaming with others. So unfriended him on fb and as of today I haven't spoken to him in 4 months. I don't know which was worse not hearing from him for 4 weeks at a time or now not hearing from him at all....*sigh.
Maybe my problem is that I really don't know how to be a friend. I've always felt that I've had better friends than I was in return and I've tried to fix that. Unfortunately I haven't hit any middle good ground yet and I'm either too much or too little. :( One day hopefully I will figure that out.

What is PTSD

I guess it was PTSD awareness day earlier this week. A marine wife who has recently been abused by her husband with PTSD posted and wanted to know everyone's thoughts about PTSD with no arguements. Since PTSD is fairly new with everyone - only the last 30 yrs been around, I decided that I would try to explain some things. Most people are aware the PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Syndrome and are a little aware of what the symptoms are; however, the question I hate the most is: "So why do you have PTSD?" 0.o....It's bad enough having it let alone having to explain it. The question sounds more like an accusation than a concern for my welfare, like they think I've made it all up and am just looking for attention. First off, you really CAN'T fake PTSD, it can totally ruin your life and those that you love - there are better ways to get attention. Second, everyone reacts to everything differently - don't judge me. No one knows what goes on behind ANY closed door unless I decide to tell you and if I have it, I sure as heck DO NOT want to explain it - it makes me relive it and puts me back about 5 steps in my healing process.

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death. Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. "Reliving" the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Repeated upsetting memories of the event
Repeated nightmares of the event
Strong, uncomfortable reactions to situations that remind you of the event

2. Avoidance

Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don't care about anything
Feeling detached
Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma
Having a lack of interest in normal activities
Showing less of your moods
Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event
Feeling like you have no future

3. Arousal

Difficulty concentrating
Startling easily
Having an exaggerated response to things that startle you
Feeling more aware (hypervigilance)
Feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger
Having trouble falling or staying asleep

The only treatments besides drugs to help with the "symptoms" is a good social support group and "desensitizing" which encourages you to relive the trauma and talk about it.

I've written about it, I've talked about it, I've seen a psychologist, my drug "cocktail" is finally down to only 2 pills a day. However, my immune system is crashing which explains the systemic candidias, the constant sinus/ear infections, and sounding like I've smoked for 20 yrs due to my asthma. Most don't know but yes, I was one of those that were the 1 in 500 born with almost no immune system. Luckily my father was in the military and it was 40 yrs ago so I received Gamma Globulin shots every 2 weeks for the first 2 yrs of my life, than it went to every month, than every other month until I was 8 yrs old. To most that know me well and didn't know that, a lot of things you thought were peculiar or irrational about me now should make perfect sense. :) Like my unlike of Dr's of ANY kind, my fear of Dr offices, and don't EVER let me see a shot needle. Gamma globulin injections are usually given in an attempt to temporarily boost a patient's immunity against disease. Injections are also used to boost immunity in patients who cannot produce gamma globulins naturally because of an immune deficiency.

I've had PTSD now for 4 yrs. I am FINALLY able to say that to people and here, even though I've always known I had it. Time is one of the best healers. For me, time and my reflexologist who helps keep my immune system going and my adrenals at a normal level. I should really see her once a week for the latter but money-wise that isn't possible so that's okay. When you have PTSD, your Adrenals or your "fight or flight" adrenaline never shuts down...one of the reasons it is a high anxiety disorder. I've forever tried to explain to people how my reflexologist has helped me with my PTSD and finally I can say, she helps to center me. She helps "awaken" the moods and emotions that the PTSD has tried to shut down. She helps to quiet down my Adrenals that scream constantly and therefore, allows me to get SOME sleep and amount of relaxation. I see nothing listed above for PTSD that talks about abusive behavior - abusive behavior is a learned behavior.

Well that sucks.........

Okay I went back and did some look up with my feedjit and yeah it's disappearing. It shows me the same info as my stats from blogger.com - so really it's not worth it. The website boasts of letting you see who visits ONLY if they are other feedjit members....pfft that's stupid.

So skip the line that says Did YOU KNOW on my last post :) Thanks for trying Beck! lol

♫ Stormy Weather............

It was a dark and stormy night............Lol, isn't that what Snoopy is always typing on the top of his doghouse? Well, it isn't night yet but it's dark and stormy :).

I found a new author...I started on Sunday evening and am half way through my second book now :). The name is Janet Evanovich. The series is the Stephanie Plum Novels, all about a Jersey girl turned bounty hunter who really doesn't want to be but needs money. These are just as good as the Catering Mystery Series that I read - yes from the same friend...she has good taste! These are funny and have some adult situations without dragging you INTO the adult situation...yay! Yes, this is what is preoccuping my time these days and I'm okay with that.

Did YOU KNOW that you can click on my feedjit on the bottom right of my blog and tell me who you are?!?!? That would be AWESOME cuz my girlfriend *cough cough Beck cough* swears that she doesn't stalk my blog twenty times a day >] so I guess I'm needing to find out who my other Layton visitors are. This blog is on my info on facebook so if I didn't want you here, it wouldn't be there..make sense? Good - I wondered. If you are another blogger and get here from your blog it tells me, how cool is that, which reminds me to go read your blog which is awesome! Hmm, that must be my word of the day.....awesome - how awesome is that? oooh, like totally dude - AHHH an 80's attack!

Okay, enough corniness. While at work today I am still $4.97 off matching my insurance bill to the remittance I made to turn in with it...really? How stupid. I DID find my $49.75 that I was off on payroll :D :D and it wasn't even the weird payback, owed over, underpaid, etc etc stuff I had to do! Yes, that was awesome! >)
I enrolled people on insurance, filed, blah blah boring stuff. However, in the background this morning we had movies on :D. I saw and remembered how much I love Hidalgo and than we watched one I haven't seen - Fly Away Home. It was such a great movie, I've heard that before but never been in the mood to really sit and watch it - today I had no choice. Lol, Susan hadn't ever seen it either and unfortunately it was rather distracting for the two of us :D. My neighbor is a duck/goose hunter when that part came on I sent Dean an IM that said something about being angry with duck/goose hunters cuz of the movie. He just laughed at me and said "their dogs too?" =0 NEVER...I love Tessy, she's an incredible dog. =0 I didn't use awesome! he he he What? You didn't catch that? Sheesh.

There is nothing in my house to just take out and eat - my poor kids and niece. You have to MAKE something and that takes time and effort and they would rather at times just starve.....good grief. Yes I know, I have those days also - usually during my cycle - but sometimes when you have take a quick trip to Oregon, there isn't a whole lot left over to go grocery shopping before payday. Don't get me wrong, my cupboards aren't bare at all....like I said, you just have to COOK bah ha ha ha ha. Friday is payday so they only have to suffer 1 1/2 more days without their precious junk/fast food.

Anxious but not engaged.....

Heard the term anxiously engaged? Yes a lot of people use it for those about to get married and can't wait; however, it's really meant for being involved in something that you are excited about. Yeah well, that isn't me at the moment. I don't know why I'm anxious, I hate my anxiety. One of the best ways to describe it is a constant feeling of nerves: if I'm laying down I feel like I have to use the bathroom, if I'm sitting up I feel like ...ok you don't need to know that one. Let's just say neither feeling is pleasant and makes the feeling more anxious. I really didn't expect my anxiety to come out after the funeral, I thought more the depression and a little of that has - however, it brought a companion - yippee! -_- Not.

I went to the garden yesterday with 6 teenage boys (ages 14,16,17,&18), 1 teenage girl age 16 and my daughter (10). Let's just say that these boys don't weed as well as girls and if any of them had a complaint about being there I didn't hear it. It was really nice for once to have company out there that was just chatting along, cracking jokes, making fun - it was more fun and seemed to go quicker. I paid them all in Slurpee's from 7'11 since Chevron's Icee machine was broken. $20 for 1 1/2 hrs work from 8 kids? I consider myself LUCKY and blessed. Anthony is FINALLY, finally finding some really good kids that like him for who he is and that he has a good time with. Just like his mom poor kid, took me until I was a senior also. He posted on facebook tonight how his Great Grandma's funeral has helped change him and he finally feels free to be himself around everyone. I don't think it was the funeral but just being with the cousins he normally doesn't get to see, getting to hang with just them, doing service for Grandma & Grandpa with them and sharing a little bit of the responsibility in the driving. The last time he went to see Sarah my reflexologist, she commented how he is MUCH improved emotionally, which I'd already seen - now we are working on confidence in schoolwork :).

I digressed lol, like that isn't normal =P. The garden is doing REALLY well, I'm so excited to see that things are growing and taking shape. I harvested all the lettuce - 2 full baskets (large baskets) full and it should start regrowing again. There are flowers on my tomato's already, my zucchini plant is getting HUGE, the pea's are nice and tall - in fact I think I need to go get some ladybugs, I think I've got some aphids. Besides the raccoon, the SNAKE - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - ahem, that the kids just found yesterday - it's all good :)....gulp. I don't do snakes...just saying. He can stay just as long as I never see or hear him. ugh- shivers. The raccoon was actually kind of cool but BIG. There are a couple of densely populated tree's on the neighbors acreage so it wasn't really surprising. I haven't seen him since and Tyson hasn't said he caught him; however, I'm sure he'll come back around once my tomato's and corn start coming on. >/ than he won't be so cute. I have about 1/3 of my basket of lettuce left to wash and put away. Unlike carrots or cucumbers, my lettuce will wilt if I leave it so I can't *sigh.

We're home...

Once again I've gotten very good at controlling my feelings/emotions on the outside. I am sure that is not what the PTSD has tried to teach me, in fact, quite opposite I'm sure. However, when given an assignment at someone's funeral it's a little hard to break down before or during so that you know you tried your best. I sent flowers to the funeral home, wrote on the card without Dean knowing what it said. We visited the funeral home about 2 hrs after arriving in Pendleton. Grandma looked like my parents did - plastic and felt the same. That always helps me - to see them as I remember but to feel them and know that the personality and spirit that I loved is no longer trapped inside that "shell" but can still be with me if it chooses. I showed Dean the flowers I had ordered - they had them out front next to the viewing book. The card read: To our most treasured natural resource we love you and will miss you Grandma; with all of our names. Okay, Dean lost it. His grandma pretty much raised him from the time he was born until he was old enough to go to school - so until about 5. They always lived close enough that she was a constant in his life and attended everything. Grandma was an only child and only gave birth to two child, Corry and Tod. Her grandkids were her life - she loved being surrounded by them, taking care of them and helping them in anyway she could. At 70 when she came to visit us, she would play hide and seek with my boys - wow, the energy and love that woman had.
We didn't sleep well the night before the funeral - Dean kept running his talk through his head and trying to push emotions back, I never sleep well in hotels and my song was bugging me. I had met with Dean's mom for about 45 min that night to show her what I had done to the song and for us to practice. When we left the shiver had left my voice, it was coming out stronger and she FINALLY had it down lol. We were to meet at 9 am the next morning - the funeral home would be there than and family prayer was at 9:50am. She didn't arrive until 9:40 - no time to practice and that didn't help me AT ALL. I said a prayer and I think only because of that was I able to even get words and notes out. I swear it was not up to par - my contacts were blurred and stuck to my eyes and I could NOT read the freaking hymnbook! Good thing I had taken out the lines that I had a hard time memorizing >.<. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and it showed in my voice - ugh - no matter WHAT I tried. I looked at the wall, the clock, the book - didn't matter - still shook - shit. And was breathy, what the heck! I took an allergy pill, used BOTH inhalers! grumble grumble...I TOTALLY could not find my alto note - gone from my head when I got to "I need thee every hour" so I sang Soprano which is okay, I would normally sing that but hadn't been able to hit the notes lately ...I was blessed to hit them that day so that one part went well. =P gadzooks.
Dean's talk was wonderful, I knew nothing about it and he brought up some memories with Grandma that he had never even told me about...I like that part of funerals. :) Everything else went smoothly...this funeral home was different but I won't criticize, I will just be grateful that it is over and that Grandma is now at peace.
Trip pitfalls? Hmm, almost being hit by a car cuz Anthony didn't look before going out >.<, Anthony over correcting on the way home and scaring the living hell outta me!, Ben losing his camera out at the cemetary but thankfully they found it:) and just ALOT of running people around, other people's kids to watch and little down time. But we are home now, safe and sound - no accidents THANK YOU, THANK YOU! - no injuries except for Anthony's self esteem when all the family left and really didn't say goodbye even though they knew we were leaving the next morning....I'm used to, unfortunately he's old enough that now he cares and understands..ugh crap. Dean's father had knee replacement surgery the Monday before Grandma died - he got out of the hospital Friday afternoon and she died Saturday afternoon. He did remarkably well for only being out of the hospital for less than 5 days and getting around where he needed to. Family from the other side came down for the funeral so we got to see cousins that Dean used to live with when he married me, that was fun.
All in all it was a short trip but hopefully we now have a weekend to recoup or heal or both. We are grateful for friends and neighbors, many comments and nice thoughts sent our way and someone even mowed my lawn! That in itself made my boys weekend! lol..paix

Arriving.......

We’ve stopped for lunch and gas in Mountain Home….the normal half way mark for us. I keep telling myself that I can’t have a problem until after the funeral on Wednesday. Mentally I am listening to myself; however, physically my body is not. One of the things I hate about PTSD, you cannot control what your body is deciding or doing – it just does it. On a lighter note, I have figured out my song. Grandma wanted Hymn 108, The Lord is my Shepherd and for some reason I’ve been having a hard time memorizing the 3rd verse and it doesn’t feel like it fits to me. I brought the Hymnal with me and have been practicing while Anthony has been driving and it finally dawned on me. I will be mixing Hymn 108 with Hymn 98, I need thee Every Hour. The verses will go as such:
The Lord is my Shepherd, no want shall I know; I feed in green pastures, no want shall I know, He leadeth my soul where the still waters flow, Restores me when wandering, redeems when oppressed; Restores me when wandering, redeems when oppressed. I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord, no tender voice like thine, can peace afford. I need thee every hour, most holy one, oh make me mine thine indeed, thou blessed son. I need thee, oh, I need thee. Every hour I need thee! Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to thee. Thru the valley and shadow of death though I stray, since thou art my Guardian, no evil I fear. They rod shall defend me, thy staff be my stay. No harm can befall with my Comforter near, No harm can befall with my Comforter near. I need thee every hour….the Lord is my Shepherd….my comforter near.
Maybe spending another day in Oregon will be a good thing in case I crash after the funeral. This is beginning to feel like my mom’s funeral – I was fine for little while.

The Wait is over.....

Dean texted me at 3 pm today to tell me that Grandma had passed away. I've been with my sister all day and the kids due to her son's birthday party. Now, sitting at home with Dean on the phone/computer making travel plans, confirming funeral details with his parents it's starting to get real. I have to be able to handle this funeral - I just may be overly doped up to do it. Dean's grandma accepted me as her granddaughter in full force when I married Dean. I felt more love from that woman, only compared to my own parents. No, sorry, I don't feel it from my in-laws - not the siblings or the parents but that's okay. Grandma was 5 yrs older than my dad and when they met at our wedding they hit it off and were instantly friends. Same generation, same guidelines growing up, you name it. It was always fun when grandma would come visit to see her and my dad or her and my mom sitting over in a corner having a conversation and laughing. Like my dad, grandma didn't laugh often. I have heard over the past 20 yrs that she had a hard childhood, followed by a harder adult life - sounds alot like my mom's mother...getting married to get out of the frying pan only to end up in the fire. Grandma outlasted her parents, two husbands, and a boyfriend. I'm not sure what her reunion is like but I know she will love seeing her boyfriend- the one who saved her life 4 yrs ago again. According to family she was stubborn, slightly OCD, and very persnickety. Okay yeah so - aren't we all in some ways? Grandma never showed those sides to me, of course we didn't live right in the next town either.

My memories of Eledice....may she rest in peace and love. Grandma used to play hide and seek with my boys when she was in her 70's. Grandma would sit at the dinner table with us and laugh at me trying to teach two boy toddlers table manners. Grandma would always make her homemade chocolate chip cookies to send home with us each time we came to visit. She always had her camera, her kisses, and her arms ready. I remember she used to drink potassium each day. Each year until the final 2 yrs each member of our little family would receive a card for each holiday and birthdays, on Christmas the kids would receive chocolate advent calendars. When Grandma got ready to move out of her apt that she'd had for over 30 yrs she started divvying up her items. It was my honor to receive her one Christmas book to add to my collection, "A Cup of Christmas Tea". For the first couple of years after she sent it to me I would call on Christmas Eve and read her her story. I will miss you grandma, more than you know. Love you.

Do do do...♫

We are preparing for Grandma's funeral. She has not gone yet but we are pretty sure that she will go sometime this weekend, she keeps crying out to go home. :[ She can't swallow and won't eat, but today she was told that her son Corry (Dean's dad), who had knee replacement surgery a few days ago, was home from the hospital and doing well. We are hoping that will give her the peace and release she needs. Therefore, I can no longer put off trying to regain my voice and sing.
Let me now state that I actually broke down and went to the Dr today. My wheezing was not from my allergies but from a sinus/ear infection - yay joy joy....AND of course my systemic Candidias. So I have 2 antibiotics, my Dr is treating the Candidias for a month instead of the normal 1 to 2 weeks, yeah it's that bad =P. He also have me an antibiotic that would feed the yeast the least and I have that one twice a day for 2 weeks - yeehaw. What finally got me to the Dr? Well, it was obvious my yeast was worse and than when I almost passed out last night and threw up -it kind of decided it for me. Yeah, I'm that stubborn. :] But I got out the Hymn book tonight, did some warm-ups, which include a couple of my opera songs and I could actually sing! I sit in church or in the car and try to sing but I barely have enough air to sing a line or hit the high notes....it's very aggrevating, yet that didn't happen tonight, I am looking at this as a blessing. Dean is getting things secured at work since he is in charge of a project that starts this upcoming week and this week is not payroll for me. However, death is never convenient and we will go to her when we need to.

The time is coming........

Five years ago in November I believe, Dean's grandma had an episode. Thankfully her boyfriend who was coming to get her knocked on her door and when she didn't answer he went in. She was collapsed on the bathroom floor from loss of blood due to a bleeding ulcer. We almost lost her and to me that was just too soon. My mom had died in May that year, first collapsing in the bathroom. That was too much for me and I admitted to her that if she was still here than she could blame me since I was refusing to let her go so soon after my mom. Since that episode Dean's strong, independent grandma lost her independence due to acute arthritis. After sitting for even 5 minutes she was unsteady on her feet due to the pain of standing up. She has continued to have falls, even in the retirement home. The wonderful woman who avidly listened to her police scanner, still drove herself around at 82, and still baked her wonderful chocolate chip cookies, chocolate pie and deviled eggs.

As many put in hospice she has gone slowly downhill ever since, she now weighs 80 lbs and has shrunk to around 5'ft tall. It's always sad to see someone you love wither away with old age, becoming less and less of themself. She can no longer swallow, she rarely opens her eyes, and they've started her on a morphine drip. May God bless her and keep her, may her departure from this world be quick and painless, knowing that she is loved by many. Love you Grandma.

Ten Days.....Day 7, 8, 9, & 10

Day Seven....Four moments that changed my life.

These are going to sound cliche' so I'm going to add explanations =P. I have moments of inspiration which are often to personal to share so I'm going to put "events" that changed my life.

1. My Wedding: I didn't date in HS, I sort of dated out of HS. The guys I did date usually got one date and than I'd kinda freak on them...lol don't ask. Never having had a "boyfriend" but tons of guys that were "friends" I was ready to be married and not be on my own anymore. According to those that worked with me, it was a good day when I got married - I got nicer. ;)

2. Birth of my Children: To me every birth is a miracle, there is nothing ordinary about child birth, the risks on the mother and baby, or what happens to your body when you become pregnant - you are never the same again.... physically or emotionally. My children are my life - I would do anything for them and constantly have to stop myself trying to so that they can experience and discover for themselves.

3. Death of my Parents: My parents died 8 yrs apart but I KNEW when they were both going. My husband also knew about my dad, my mom shocked us all and rocked my little family's world. It was shocking to have my dad die but he was in so much pain it was good. My mom had been my best friend since it was just she and I left at home from age 16 on. She and my dad came to dinner every Sunday, Dean and I took over the responsibilities of fixing things, etc when my dad passed and she still came to dinner every Sunday. We talked on the phone every day. When she died I became an orphan. I have 7 brothers/sisters and I have never felt so alone in the world.

4. Buying our home: We bought our first home 13 yrs ago and haven't moved. Before that I personally had moved 6 times from the time I moved away from home - in 3 yrs. Dean and I than moved another 3 times. It's always been my experience after about 3 or 4 yrs that I get fed up with the someone in the ward, become unhappy with neighbors or landlords. When we moved here I expected it but I've never felt it. I have my issues with the ward but that's me, not the people. My neighbors are our anchor to our home....Dean would have sold our house because of all it's problems after only 3 yrs but our neighbors are so wonderful that we just put up with them. (the problems not the neighbors) As a cul-de-sac we get together every July for a Firework/BBQ - kids and their kids keep coming back - now it spreads through 3 yards :)...until we all got snowblowers there used to be a race each snowfall with the men to see who could shovel first....and you've never seen a nosier bunch - I mean, we have the ABSOLUTE BEST crime watch ever! lol...yep, I'm the head of the busy bodies. ;)

Day eight: three favorite foods, movies, and colors.


Three Favorite Foods:
1. New York Style Cheesecake
2. Southwestern Bean Dip (Pampered Chef recipe)
3. Pull apart beef brisket

Three Favorite Movies:
1. White Christmas - I can recite it almost word for word...including songs...a must every Christmas
2. Purgatory - The only thing that would make this western any better is if John Wayne were in it :)
3. Sabrina - the old and the remake. They couldn't have picked a better stand in for Humphrey Bogart than Harrison Ford. He did an amazing job and the remake can stand on it own two feet. :)

The Favorite Colors:
1. Purple
2. Green
3. Blue

Day Nine...Two words to describe my life right now.

Getting Better.


Day Ten...one confession

I'm an illusion. I'm not who people usually think I am. There are times that's a shock - good or bad. But I can only be me and when you get down to finding the real me than hopefully your staying for awhile.

Ten Days....Day 4, 5, 6

Day Four.....Seven things that cross my mind alot.

>.< SERIOUSLY?!? You guys know I'm going to break my own rule and totally LIE right now right? You don't need to know me THAT well =P.

1. When can I get back to the book I'm reading. I wish I could write this well.

2. What the **** set me off now, why am I so sad/cranky?

3. Is my garden still alive? Does it need water?

4. Where are my children....it's too quiet!

5. Diet Coke...do I really want one? or do I want the idea...hmm...gets diet coke

6. Chocolate.....mmmmmm......milk chocolate.......mmmmmmm

7. Sex...ok YES I admit it...are you happy now? geesh.


Day Five ......Six things I wish I'd never done.

Wow...narrowing it down to six hunh?

1. Stepped on a sewing needle in my bedroom when I was 5. It went through the soul of my shoe and into the bottom of my foot.

2. Listened to my dad when I was 7 and he was saying I was "too skinny drink more milk" ...pfft look at me now!

3. Answered the door when I was 14.

4. Walked away at graduation.

5. Moved in with Dawnella before I got married....that's okay, she knew I had a gun under my pillow.

6. Blew off college to work in the "real world" so early....kinda sucked.


Day Six.....Five people you couldn't live without.

1. Dean
2. Anthony
3. Benjamin
4. Olivia
5. My Mom - but, she's already gone...there's part of my problem.

Ten Days.....Day One, Two and Three

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. Hold on.....

To Deano: You are my rock and my strength to live each day. I couldn't have gotten through the past 20 yrs without your understanding, wisdom, strength and love. I know I don't see what you see; therefore, it makes it hard to believe what you - but never doubt that the words are listened to and appreciated. I love you.

To Anthony: I am SO proud of you and the young man you have become. You make me smile with joy when you don't realize that I'm even watching you. I love your silliness, your playfulness, your geekiness, and your delight in things that others don't see. I wish that everyone could know my son as I do...but I'm grateful that I get the chance and just feel sad for the rest.

To Benjamin: You are my funny little bug. No one see's the world like you do and it's wonderful and refreshing! I love that you are becoming more open with me about things and letting me see a little more of your silliness. I am truely blessed with good boys and you make me more proud each day as you try hard to accomplish your goals. I know its been tough this past year but I also know that you have it in you and there isn't anything you can't do!

To Olivia: My little girl, in some ways, the little me following me around. But I hope that you take my good qualities and not my bad, my good habits and not my worst. I love that you are gaining more courage to be yourself in expression and activity - don't ever let anyone put you down for who you are or what you want to be - the world is open to you and knowing you, all it's wonders will be discovered well before their time. I'm very proud of my smart little princess.

To Mel: Next to Dean you have been my truest best friend in my life time. I wish we weren't so different, that our worlds didn't clash so that we could truly understand each other better and never fight. I wish I could take back last August, even though I still will never ever take back caring enough about you to do what I did. I love you Mel, our distance is hell but I don't know that I can say it would be any better the other way.

To Brandon: Lol....wow, what could I possibly say to you Brandy that I haven't said like twenty times in the past five years...or even last week! For some reason you and I stick...we can't deny that on a deeper level we are friends, even though on the surface we struggle, part, come back and struggle again. You will always be there for me and I for you - we just know that and I think we just need to keep reminding ourselves. Love you.

To Tyson: To a great neighbor - who now has moved and to what I hope is becoming a great friend. You are an extremely nice guy, amazing neighbor, hard worker, and I would LOVE if my boys treated me the way you treat your mom. Any woman will be blessed to finally snag you so don't give up and don't let any of those that aren't still around tell you otherwise.

To Cherisa: My beautiful boo. I can't tell you often enough how grateful I am that you decided to move in with us. It has done my kids such a world of good to get to know you, to have you as an influence and a friend. I know life seems kind of stuck right now with every direction calling yet not a clear path. Hold tight love, when the time is right, you will know where to go, what to do and maybe even who to be with. :) I love you!

To Rebecca: My friend I don't have words to say. I wish I had arms to heal and love to suffice and the strength to give so that everything could be fixed and right in your world. I don't know why some things are harder for some people than others, I don't always understand why pain must be repeated but please know that I am always...always here for you, no matter the time of day or night. Pain isn't convenient it just hurts. ♥

To Eledice: Bless you Dean's grandma. Even if I could say this to you, I'm not sure you would hear me or acknowledge that you understand. I never really had a grandma. My dad's mom died 17 yrs before I was born and my mother's mom lived far away. When I married Dean, you welcomed me as if I was your own granddaughter. You loved me and treated me like no one but my own parents ever have. I know you have had a hard life and I will treasure you forever and always. You are my grandma as much as you are Dean's and I am proud to say that. I told you four years ago you couldn't leave because I couldn't handle losing you and my mom so close together and in almost the same way. I will hold you prisoner no more, I am sorry for my selfishness. Be happy grandma - for once go and be happy.


Day Two: Nine interesting facts about yourself...0.o

1. I grew up in a haunted house. No joke, no lie.

2. I love to sing but due to my reactive asthma haven't been fully able to in years. I need to fix this, I have to sing at a funeral that people think isn't going to be far off. >.<

3. My oldest brother is 19 yrs older than me, my oldest niece (his daughter) is 5 yrs younger.

4. I eat "garden" (must be garden) fresh tomato's on my peanut butter toast....yummy!

5. I LOVE to cook and bake. Someone should really hire me so all I have to do is hang out in an A/C kitchen all day :)

6. I love being outdoors but get heat exhaustion very easily and have horrid hay fever - *shrugs w/e.

7. I don't do seafood....it looks good, shrimp scampi smells incredible but no. The closest I'll get is Tuna, Halibut and Mahi Mahi.

8. I finally found my happy place..you know they tell you "picture your happy place"....which interestingly enough is floating in the water looking up at a wooded canopy and blue sky. Umm..I don't swim or float.

9. I grew up with a military dad and know how to fire a gun. My grandpa was a police officer in SL, don't be knocking on my window at 2am.

10. I am easily bored. However, that doesn't stop me from whiling away a few hours on a computer game or stupid fb. =P


Day Three: Eight ways to win my heart....hmm.

1. Don't lie or tease. Honesty is always the best policy with me and if need be, be "gently" honest.

2. Be willing to listen. Worst thing for me to admit but it's true, I love to talk.

3. Love to dance.

4. Love music...all kinds.

5. Don't get bored when I read....or grumpy.

6. have integrity to what you believe in and who you are.

7. Have a sense of Humor.

8. Chocolate and flowers are always nice >].