Sunday Morning Therapy

I purchased a book a couple of years ago called "Feelings buried alive never die".  A friend of mine in Canada was going through therapy, they were using this book, so I bought it and told her I would read through it with her.  Well things happened, she didn't get through the book and neither have I yet.  It continues to sit in my pile of  "MUST READ" books along with my newest that Dean got me for my birthday, "Through His Eyes, Rethinking what you believe about yourself".  Do you see a pattern here?  Lol, yes, there is a definate pattern here and it is the pattern of my life.  I have fought depression since I was in my teens and when I had to read "Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather for an Independent Study course I started to fall in love with self-help.  I have been to seminars, I have read and collect books, and yet, here I still am.  In a way  I don't think this is bad, I believe that becoming the person you want to be and could be is a life long process.  Things happen, roads go from smooth to rocky to non-exsistant, walls get built, walls fall down and sometimes our worlds seem to crash around us.  "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger".  Yes, this is true, but I believe we have to acknowledge that we are still here - not dead - and move forward, letting ourselves know that we are stronger and we have won.  We need to congratulate ourselves on succeeding, on being, and overcoming.

With that said, I have pulled that book out today and told myself I will do some reading in it.  Enough with escaping into non-reality to hide, I need to once again face hard things - accept them, adjust, grow stronger and move on.  I've already degressed in my PTSD since Dean's grandmother's funeral so now is the time to try to help myself climb back up the couple of steps that I fell. 

Losing friends is never easy - especially when you have no one to blame but yourself and they are unforgiving.  I've mentioned before that I do not see myself as a good friend.  I don't know what my few friends think but as far as I am concerned they are far better friends to me than I am to them and I thank them for that, and I also feel guilty for that.  I feel that I demand too much, ask too much and that they grow weary of it all.  That is a self realization that I do not cherish and am finding that I do not know how to correct.  I feel that I pull away instead letting people get too close or I delete them from my life before they can tire of me.  Most just leave of their own accord, drifting away until suddenly they are no longer there.  For the first time in my life, some one I deleted because I felt it was what they wanted (no I didn't ask, I assumed because of the way things had become) has now blocked me from their life.  I am a child.  I yearn for affirmation that someone still loves me and that my thoughts weren't correct, the stupid things I tell myself are misguided.  So this is new and I'm not sure how to feel.  It feels like they have corroborated my feelings, that I was right all along and they had been pushing me out.  Whenever I push someone away because I feel that I am saving them from me or that it is what they want, I still reach out to them through out time - just to test the waters, just to see if I was mistaken.  This is the first time I've been shunned and by someone I had actually trusted with part of me.  Now, I do what I feel is logical.  I retreat.  From everyone.  If one person has rejected me I feel that others must feel the same way and simply are too nice to say anything or to show it.  I start to rebuild my walls around my heart and brandish a new mask that keeps everyone at bay.  This is no way to live.  I hate this.  I have been working on this since I was 16 and I never seem to be able to get it right.  No, that is a false statement.  From the years of 17 through 20 I was fine.  I was self assured, I knew who I was and I finally didn't care what other people thought.  I found good - not popular but GOOD friends who loved me for me and for the first time since middle school, I didn't have any bullies.  Which totally makes me laugh that I would ever have had any.  I was the friend protector in elementary school, I was the one that beat the little boys up when they annoyed my friends and I had lots of friends and actually boyfriends. Lol, maybe I should just blame all of it on raging teenage or starting teenage hormones. :)  But I won't.  I'm typing this, I'm facing facts, acknowledging myself and my feels whether they are right or wrong and my perception which I'm pretty positive has always been skewed. =P

Is that REALLY how I feel?

Every day after I have one like yesterday, I stop and think.  If the funk is gone and the depression lifted do I still feel the way I did?  It's interesting, think about it.  Depression takes feelings that we already have and (according to some friends) is like adding alcohol.  Your feelings are more intense, more angry, more sad, more disillusioned.  I usually try to hold those days in, I try not to post here or on facebook, for than I scare a few wonderful people in my life and I don't like doing that.  Obviously, there are days that are more severe than others and I end up posting.  In case it happens again, please note, my systemic candidias carries its own form of depression.  I am currently trying to detox from my Candidias but I am concerned that it is detoxing my WHOLE body and therefore taking my depression meds out of my system.  Yay me!  Yay you - well, not so much yay you unless you can put with a weird or onery or very depressing post every now and than.  Hopefully you will just understand, maybe ask if that's still what's happening and go on with your life. :]

So my comment.......it leads to my saying that I have been repeating to myself regularly these days.  "Is it really YOU I miss or is it the memory, the thought, or the feeling?"  I really have to wonder that.  It's great to look back at people and remember the good times but I think it illogical to not remember the bad.  There had to be a reason for the bad or for the fight - all that didn't just magically disappear.  My parents didn't become perfect just because they died.  I know and I lived my memories of them; however, I think in the case of death or removal that we want to cling to the good things.  We want to remember them in a  positive way so that we have justification for grieving.  Do we need justification to grieve?  NO.  Hello.  Than why do we make ourselves justify our actions?  Accept what is going on, why it is going on and don't try to put it in a perfect little box on a perfect little shelf in the corner of our life.  No one's life is perfect, if yours is, sorry, but you're lieing to yourself and everyone else.  I don't believe that life is supposed to be perfect, I believe it is supposed to be filled with heartache, joy, sadness, grief, difficulty and STRENGTH.  I wouldn't know how to be strong if my life wasn't the way it was, my life has made me who I am, whether for good or bad - which I guess kind of depends on the day these days. =P

I won't deny that I have emotional attachments to my friends.  I love them.  Male and female, old and young.  Some I gather into my fold and adopt directly into my life, others I hold at arms length.  Those I let in usually get to see the real me.  My mother and Deano are the only ones that have ever met the real me.  So it is a priceless gift I give if I let down my barriers and remove my mask.  I think that's what made my best friend leaving so difficult.  I had let down my barriers and he was beginning to.  No one has seen the real him, it's guarded more heavily than my heart.  So here it is...of clear mind and no sinking gut feelings today....what I miss is a friend.  Someone to make stupid jokes with that makes them squirt coke out their nose cuz they can't believe I of all people would say that.  Someone to play my games with and just knowing that if I needed advice about my kids or husband, someone was there.  What I don't miss?  Being totally blindsided by rage when I miscalculated his mood or did something I thought he'd like which he didn't.  Being talked about with other friends that I don't consider friends anymore.  Never knowing what mood he was in and because it was internet, not being able to judge for myself....I was often wrong - see above.  Do any of these things make him a bad person?  Heavens no but is he an angel?  HA HA HA...he'd spit coke and fall out of his chair at that notion.  No, he was simply my friend, someone to talk to at 1am when we were both sleep deprived, giggly (yes men get giggly) and wondering why the heck we couldn't sleep.  I ruined it, I know it and now after freakin 6 months I need to get over my stupidity and get on with my life and let the poor man do the same.  I am no angel - HA HA HA HA HA...ahem, I sometime OVER admit when I am wrong and I take others guilt upon myself for which really, really annoys certain people. :]  I still hold out HOPE, today the sun is shining and you never know what the future will bring; however, today I am also smart enough to know that it won't be tomorrow, or maybe next year or it may be never.  Yet whenever it is or isn't, that's okay.  I'm grateful for the friend I had, the fun times we shared and the fact that I got to know someone better than most.  I am blessed.

I'm an Idiot

This song is how I'm feeling.  A couple of friends will understand the words and that they may pertain to certain parts of their life currently.   "What have you done now?...I've been waiting for someone like you but now you are slipping away...why does fate make us suffer? Would you mind if I killed you?  Would you mind if I tried to cuz you have turned into my worst enemy, you carry hate that I don't feel."

Yeah I get in these moods.  I always like to think that I would never give up on anyone that we all are human, we all make mistakes but if you care enough about each other than at sometime it's possible to come back together - forgive the wrongs and start again.  I've been fortunate to be able to do that several friends - not so much with family.  However, even though there is ALWAYS that angst with that certain family member, we can reside in the same room for up to about 2 hrs we've discovered.  After that something always happens and it goes downhill fast.  My FB status yesterday was talking about giving up and the pain it causes.  Ugh - sometime I don't like being tender hearted, I don't like being empathetic and I REALLY don't like breaking away from someone I love.  It feels like I've lost my parents all over again.  Sorry Beck if this status upsets you some, even though it isn't my husband and I can't feel near the pain you do - ....enough said.

Who needs sleep?!?! 0_o

I am in an incredibly good mood for actually getting to bed/sleep at 6:00 this morning! Gah.....I haven't done that since before MARCH...at the moment no big, I'll let you know in 5 hrs as I'm wandering around my house too tired to sleep, too tired to walk, too tired to read...WHAT?!? *sigh, yes, sad but true. I guess I should really re-write that sentence and say "as I stumble around my house" :]. Today was definately a "NO contacts" day for my poor little burning red eyeballs...glasses it is. Don't ask me why but it only takes my 5 min to put my contacts in - I've been doing for what ? 25 years....but when I don't put them in, I'm ready like 15 min faster! Hmm..go figure. :S

This week is payroll....that is what I was hired to do. Payroll for a fitness club that was giving my sister a migraine every other week :]. Well, it has new management and they are actually letting their "directors" be directors and check payroll, etc, etc. I know...isn't that a really novel exciting idea?!?! :] I thought so! ;] sarcastic toot that I am. Anyways, I spoke with one today who has the biggest headache of the facility - the group fitness instructors. I noticed an instant bond and sisterhood with her comment, "I sent out a note that said "If you don't sign in for the class you're teaching you WON'T be paid for it!"" I think she and I will get along fabulously! <3

My Sci-Fi shows all start this week - wootcha! Tonight started Eureka, Warehouse 13, and a new one called Alpha. Friday is the start Haven :]....this is probably a very positive reason that I am in such an excellent mood. Olivia wanted to get between her eyebrows waxed today >] ... I really am a mean mom on occasion.... O:o me? Does this halo look tilted? >] shhh. Anywho, I got eyebrows waxed and with naturally curly eyelashes and eyebrows, let me tell you waxing is awesome! My brows have never looked so good - but again, I digress :] ...... needless to say, when she saw the lady get the wax out on the little stick she almost LEAPT out of the chair, "NO that's okay, I've changed my mind". LOL I'll remind her of this in 5 yrs when she's 16. Can you say 10 going on 30? and now residing once more at 10 again ..he he he.

I love authors who can create such a believable character that you fall in love with them and with some creative talent of your own can almost picture them. :] *sigh, that's all I'm gonna say on that matter :X.

Drama vs Comedy

Drama can be entertaining right? *eye roll* This blog is supposed to be entertainment for some of my buds, the truth of my life for me and well maybe it's just too depressing for others at times. Welcome to my life, as the blog states, It's NOT Perfect by any means, way or form. I haven't been wanting to post downers lately but that seems to be what has come about. I believe it's due to Grandma Eledice's funeral. My PTSD seems to have taken 5 steps back since we first heard she was going catatonic. I MADE myself get through the drive to and from Oregon, all the family functions, the viewing, the funeral, my singing - even though my body kind of didn't let me get through it how I wanted :(. I would feel my body taking over, the feelings of angst, wanting to curl up into a ball, cry constantly and for no reason, get away from people, etc etc. However, I couldn't DO any of that. There were 2 cars and 3 drivers. Anthony went and hung with one of his favorite cousins that he never see's and a cousins hubby - so that made only 2 drivers. I had to go places, I couldn't hide, so I doped myself up, steeled myself, and put my mask on. I guess I thought I could crash when I got home and that would be the end of it but it's week 2 of being home and it hasn't - oh bother.

Anthony went with the Adam's up to their cabin this weekend, he hasn't been for awhile and decided he wanted to go off jumps on the ATV he hasn't ridden in oh 4 months. Yep, he crashed. Thankfully though he fell arm first, skidded, flipped onto his back and whipped his head around. He says he didn't feel anything but the motion regarding his head - THANK YOU THANK YOU Susie for making them WEAR their HELMETS! He is only scratched up and bruised and I am very happy to say that. I used to have nightmares when I was pregnant with him that even though he was in my womb I still couldn't protect him. I would dream that I would fall down the stairs or someone would stab me in my belly. Lol - yes, you all know how psycho I am now - deal with it. :D

Went to the garden on the 6th to learn how to do the water gates & turns for the irrigation water. Got my feet nice and wet, which actually HELPED stopped the dripping of sweat from my forehead - ewwww. SWEAT - EW~! I'm sorry but I can't STAND to sweat, nor glisten its just ick. There, now you have one of my quirks too - shudder. Anywho - Tyson walked me around, moved the gates, explained things and than we had to wait. Do do do - ha ha it really wasn't that bad considering that Tyson is really a nice guy and a good listener. Yes, scary combo for him since I have the GIFT of gab. However, I did learn some pretty fun facts about Tyson and what makes him tick. Anybody know of a good lady out there we can set him up with? He is currently dating but still looking as of yet - lol. It's been storming the last couple of days so I haven't had a chance to get back to the garden and see how big my plants are now. I had around 6 zucchini's already sprouting and 2 pumpkins that I could see - YEEHAW! I'm so excited that the garden has actually WORKED - who'd have thunk it? I know I'm really good at growing weeds but real plants? :D

I found a book about being an author by the current author I am reading and loving. Her name is Janet Evanovich. Emily I recommend her to you, I think you would LOVE these books but I started on HIGH FIVE not book one - yep they are all numbered and go up to 17 - the latest. I don't recommend these for all people, simply because she throws the F bomb in there helter skelter and there is one sex scene - multiple sexual innuendos however, hers are nice, they aren't crude and they leave LOTS to your imagination - which could be good or bad. *Back on track....* I picked it up at the library today and once I'm finished with book 16 - I totally intend to read it and hopefully find it useful! I'm been thinking alot lately about starting my edits on the book I completed...honestly I don't even remember if I named it! Ha ha ha ha ha, wow, great author I am ;).

Life Thoughts by Ducky...and me?

I signed up for an excercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't you know it............brain cells come and brain cells go but FAT cells live forever!

Don't argue with an idiot.......people passing by may not be able to tell the difference.

(My Favorite......)
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

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Next to Maxine the Ducky cartoon sent to me via email was excellent.

Lately I've been trying to re-examine myself, my stupidity with my emotions and the lack thereof that I have to control them. I look at my set of friends that I've pushed out of my life. I still care for all of them but for some reason or other I shut the door on them and have tried to not have any contact. Don't get me wrong, my curiosity would kill a truckload of cats each hour on the hour so I usually know in some way or other how they are or that they are still okay in their own little worlds. Tyler - I pretty much adopted this kid in my heart but too many things just didn't make a complete puzzle. He claimed he would tell me anything I wanted to know - question ended up was I an idiot to believe him? We had a huge argument 2 yrs ago, he came back 6 mo later and stayed about 6 months than left again - no word. Last year he sent an email saying Hi, wanting to know how I was and how our mutual friend was. When I told him I no longer spoke to her he never replied. He sent me an email THIS year - out of the blue wanting pictures that he had sent me and drawn for me (supposedly). When I sent them he wanted to small talk - I'm no good with small talk when water isn't fully under the bridge. He claimed to be "shocked" at my reactions to talking to him, I told him he could disappear for another year - he has. I told that to Brandon who laughed - this is not my normal response to people unless you've done something to me that you haven't cared to explain or just don't care about. I seriously wonder if T just has a multiple personality disorder or what. It's like I was talking to 2 different people most of the time, one calm, one aggressive - one nice, the other deliberately using me. I guess I will never know. :) Brandon - I have known this kid since he was 14, he turns 20 in October. We've had ups and downs, deletions, scream fights (online of course) and we've had a lot of fun. I don't approve of some things Brandon does but that doesn't mean I don't like Brandon. Right now he's on my computer on fb and the cptn of one of my alts on YPP but we really don't talk - we both still have baggage hanging out there and water kind of stopped up not being allowed to flow. We've tried and discussed a few things but there are still some very personal items that are still there mainly on my end - his end just doesn't care, that is probably my biggest problem. Those are the teenagers - than there are a few adults.
Heather, is probably reading this. I know she checked my blog a couple of months ago - probably like me, just checking to see that I'm okay and everything is alright. I met Heather threw one of my teenage friends - they were friends in real life. This teenager died and asked me to help look after Heather. I love Heather, she has had more crap in her life than any one person should ever have to put up with or deal with. I've been on the other side of the computer when some of that has gone down - that's a very hard situation to be in - knowing something is happening but unable to do anything or help. Heather did her best to be the kind of friend she felt I deserved but that included us lying to each other. She not telling me what really was going on and me not telling her everything in my life because I knew she couldn't handle it or fully understand it. That's okay, but that's not a good ground for a friendship. Heather does amazing for herself and her son considering her life - most people would have given up long ago but she keeps fighting and surviving. I'm hoping that I am through enough of my PTSD to try friendship again with her, I miss her. I couldn't handle what was going on with her and my own mental/emotional life disappearing, I had to make a choice and for my family I chose me. Mel - hmm :) Mr Mel, my M&M - hard and crunchy on the outside but melt in your mouth soft on the inside. I literally bullied my way into Mel's life and he let me. I will always be grateful and I miss him the MOST of any of my lost friends. Mel would stay up with me when my body wouldn't let me sleep - he'd keep me company on YPP or we would just talk if I was working. Nine hours was our record - lol, we chatted from midnight to 9 one day because I couldn't sleep. We learned alot about each other, not important stuff of course - the silly quirks, stuff like that. We mostly learned that even though our worlds are VASTLY different, we liked alot of the same things - theater, movies, books, music and games. Mel is the little brother I never had, me the big sister he never had..we once were that close. Than I did something at the time felt right because I was scared and worried and had gone through something similiar with Heather. Because of our differences he freaked, he bolted, and than I did what I do best and I started to blame myself. Martyr (he called them) emails from me trying to understand what I did wrong were sent for over a month - wow, I guess I never got over being whiny or needy....crap. We finally started talking again but it was never the same. Log on's with no acknowledgment of the other being on, no texts, no IM, no games, only fb and that was gaming talk about every 3 to 6 weeks. I lost my second best friend and I figured I had to deal with it - obviously it was hurting me more than him since he still was texting, IM'ing and gaming with others. So unfriended him on fb and as of today I haven't spoken to him in 4 months. I don't know which was worse not hearing from him for 4 weeks at a time or now not hearing from him at all....*sigh.
Maybe my problem is that I really don't know how to be a friend. I've always felt that I've had better friends than I was in return and I've tried to fix that. Unfortunately I haven't hit any middle good ground yet and I'm either too much or too little. :( One day hopefully I will figure that out.

What is PTSD

I guess it was PTSD awareness day earlier this week. A marine wife who has recently been abused by her husband with PTSD posted and wanted to know everyone's thoughts about PTSD with no arguements. Since PTSD is fairly new with everyone - only the last 30 yrs been around, I decided that I would try to explain some things. Most people are aware the PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Syndrome and are a little aware of what the symptoms are; however, the question I hate the most is: "So why do you have PTSD?" 0.o....It's bad enough having it let alone having to explain it. The question sounds more like an accusation than a concern for my welfare, like they think I've made it all up and am just looking for attention. First off, you really CAN'T fake PTSD, it can totally ruin your life and those that you love - there are better ways to get attention. Second, everyone reacts to everything differently - don't judge me. No one knows what goes on behind ANY closed door unless I decide to tell you and if I have it, I sure as heck DO NOT want to explain it - it makes me relive it and puts me back about 5 steps in my healing process.

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death. Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. "Reliving" the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Repeated upsetting memories of the event
Repeated nightmares of the event
Strong, uncomfortable reactions to situations that remind you of the event

2. Avoidance

Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don't care about anything
Feeling detached
Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma
Having a lack of interest in normal activities
Showing less of your moods
Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event
Feeling like you have no future

3. Arousal

Difficulty concentrating
Startling easily
Having an exaggerated response to things that startle you
Feeling more aware (hypervigilance)
Feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger
Having trouble falling or staying asleep

The only treatments besides drugs to help with the "symptoms" is a good social support group and "desensitizing" which encourages you to relive the trauma and talk about it.

I've written about it, I've talked about it, I've seen a psychologist, my drug "cocktail" is finally down to only 2 pills a day. However, my immune system is crashing which explains the systemic candidias, the constant sinus/ear infections, and sounding like I've smoked for 20 yrs due to my asthma. Most don't know but yes, I was one of those that were the 1 in 500 born with almost no immune system. Luckily my father was in the military and it was 40 yrs ago so I received Gamma Globulin shots every 2 weeks for the first 2 yrs of my life, than it went to every month, than every other month until I was 8 yrs old. To most that know me well and didn't know that, a lot of things you thought were peculiar or irrational about me now should make perfect sense. :) Like my unlike of Dr's of ANY kind, my fear of Dr offices, and don't EVER let me see a shot needle. Gamma globulin injections are usually given in an attempt to temporarily boost a patient's immunity against disease. Injections are also used to boost immunity in patients who cannot produce gamma globulins naturally because of an immune deficiency.

I've had PTSD now for 4 yrs. I am FINALLY able to say that to people and here, even though I've always known I had it. Time is one of the best healers. For me, time and my reflexologist who helps keep my immune system going and my adrenals at a normal level. I should really see her once a week for the latter but money-wise that isn't possible so that's okay. When you have PTSD, your Adrenals or your "fight or flight" adrenaline never shuts down...one of the reasons it is a high anxiety disorder. I've forever tried to explain to people how my reflexologist has helped me with my PTSD and finally I can say, she helps to center me. She helps "awaken" the moods and emotions that the PTSD has tried to shut down. She helps to quiet down my Adrenals that scream constantly and therefore, allows me to get SOME sleep and amount of relaxation. I see nothing listed above for PTSD that talks about abusive behavior - abusive behavior is a learned behavior.