Seriously?

I just have to say I am getting really, REALLY tired of this PTSD and whatever else it is that is sapping all my energy. I AM NOT Eighty yrs old; therefore, I should be able to do much more than the typical 80 yr old. I went to work, woot busy day - can't stand to get paid to do nothing, so busy I was late for carpool, fine that stressed me out made me somewhat anxious. Yes, I know, I did text the kids and there was no problem but I was LATE and I knew it - personal integrity thing you know? My house has not been a mad house, it's been a normal teenage boys live here house today. Anthony is into making movies again - YES!. That means no more mopping around, thank Heavens! But it also means Matt, Max, Ben and Anthony are traipsing all over my neighborhood and house being silly, loud, and busy. Not a problem except when they take off and don't tell me they are gone >[ and than I find out that Anthony is riding onto of Max's car down the street filming........AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! #(#%*$@)!@)!_~!_$%& Seriously, it's a good thing I don't have high blood pressure, I'd be dead. Olivia than comes up with "Oh btw, I need a costume for my little poetry skit thing on the last day of school" >.<........but Ivey has an idea - GOOD! Pack Olivia, a big cardboard box in the car and drop her at Ivey's - I like how that's getting done. :) Cherisa is being awesome and doing some of my yardwork stuff that my body won't let me do - buuuuuuuut, that requires texts (while driving, at work) ummm...0.o *breathe. So I've taken some anti-anxiety med's for just such occasions...made my double batch of bread dough and am letting it rise...and sitting here writing on my blog. Trying to relax, trying to not crash before bedtime....really wanting to get outside and plant my strawberries >.<.

Memorial Day 2011

Typical to Utah we started Memorial Day off with SNOW! It melted here by 10 am but the snowline is down to the homes on the upper eastsides. Rivers and creeks are beginning to exceed their maximum, they have reported that our rainfall/snowfall for this season has exceeded that of 1986 when State Street turned into a river. Should be fun - not. I currently would like it to rain a little less so that my little plants can have some sun and start to GROW. :)

I worked today for the first time in 20 yrs on Memorial Day. I only worked about 3 hrs so it wasn't that bad, just weird. Everyone else was home and I had to get up and leave...like I said ...weird. We are BBQ'ing hamburgers and hot dogs tonight for dinner and firing up our new fire cage to roast marshmellows, starbursts and make S'more creations. Nummy :) Cherisa is out with friends on and off all day, we invited them back to our roast/fire tonight so it should be fun. However, the kids have school tomorrow so they might be out there by themselves which they might actually prefer :). The kids rented Gullever's Travels - the new one with Jack Black. Of course, I prefer the old one with Sean Connery...:) yummy. That's okay I guess, seems that Hollywood can't do anything original these days, they have to remake and so called "improve" anything from the past. Excuse me, it was perfectly good and had no crap added to it, unlike they will do now I'm sure. Why can't they just digitize the old like they used to colorize the old, old? Okay, off my soapbox.

I have Anthony finally starting to finish up his Eagle Project video's. YES!!!! He will have four completed this week - happy day, happy day. The fifth will come after his Court of Honor since it is on Hard Work and I want his Eagle Court as part of the video. Summer starts in 4 days, I guess I'd better get set in stone some projects and activities, plus my schedule for my kids. Hmmm...when to do that.

I had a birthday....ewww I'm over 40

This is my beautiful baby girl and she really has nothing to do with me being a year older except for the fact that the older she gets, I do too. I really don't care that the numbers say that I am 41 because I don't FEEL 41. Now, if my body just wouldn't look like (or feel) like I'm 51 it would be much better.

I had a really nice birthday. My oldest brother called around 8:30 and left me a msg since I was in the shower, one of my sisters sent me an email to apologize that she get over to see me that day, I got birthday cards and over 60 Happy Birthday's on my facebook 0.0. Yeah, that last one shocked me BIG TIME. I had Happy Birthday's from a few people I totally didn't expect, no wishes from some I did but overall, wow. Olivia gave me the Feature Family Films version of Rigoletto - one of my absolute favorites. I love the music and just the moral of the story. The boys gave me an Itunes card that I've already pretty much spent >], Dean gave me a book that I wanted entitled, "Through His Eyes" (something about accepting your true self). We went to dinner at Applebee's, came home for Cheesecake (YUM). Around 9:30 I got online with friends I've never met personally, only electronically from Canada, Michigan, Arizona, Oregon, and Alabama. We all met playing a MMORPG called Yohoho Puzzle Pirates. It's a multi-game real player game filled with puzzles. You heard me right. Tetris type games, matching games, etc however, you are a pirate. So you can have a house, a boat, furniture, clothes, a whole little world - different oceans. You go out on Pillies with people and the only shooting is at other boats but that is a puzzle also. It ranks you on skill of the puzzles and that makes it addictive - well for me, trying to be better than I just was. Some of my best buddies got on after all of us not being on game in over a year, recreated pirates and all just to say Hi or come pilly with me :).

All in all it was a very nice day; however, I don't know why but I was extremely sad all day. Almost depressed but not totally, it was just hard to describe. It started before I found out that one of my best friends Mom died unexpectedly that day. I'd met her, I loved her, I had her on facebook - so that added to my sadness but the weird thing is that it was there before. Idk, can't explain it.

It's RAINING...again (eye roll)

I should really be grateful for the rain, it is saving me major water bill money - not only for my lawn but for the garden I have on someone else's property. His parents have yet to show him how the irrigation works so when we need to water the garden we have been using the house water and giving him some money. Therefore, I should really be grateful for the rain and I am...just maybe not so often?!?! I don't think I could live in the NW, I've decided that I really need sunlight to help my mood. I've also discovered that yes, working in the earth has healing powers. I really don't know why and I absolutely hated it when I was a kid/teenager.

Speaking of the garden, we went to visit it today and found little starts! WAHOO! So exciting to see that things are growing and we aren't total failures at green thumbing :D. I have a 1 pumpkin start, lots of lettuce, lots of carrots, cute little bean shoots, teeny tiny peppers, some zucchini, corn shoots...how fun! Dean brought home red potato's that are sprouting so we will do the cuts probably Monday and than plant them sometime after Wednesday. Now if I just had a cold cellar so that my potato's and onions can be harvested and not go bad that quickly. My next project is building myself some shelves so that I actually have somewhere to STORE the salsa, canned corn, carrots, beans, and pickles. I can shred the zucchini and will freeze it with some of the corn.

School is coming to an end. This is going to be very interesting. My kids have never not had me home during the summer. They will be fine and I am not worried, they are old enough. However, the 16 yr old is gonna want to go places (driving) and the 10 yr old is gonna want to go to friends (how to get there) and I will have the vehicle. My sister's house is only 10 min away and I could come home for lunch each day and if I switch vehicles with Dean than that could be a plan. However, my Tahoe will eat all my gas making more than one trip up and back a day. I'll have to think on this. I LOVE having a teenager driver! Anthony promised me when he learned to drive that he would run my carpool for me and he started to 2 weeks ago! Wow - so cool! I almost don't know what to do with myself..lol. Actually I have WAAY too much to do and no idea where to start so, I haven't. Ugh I need to fix that.

What to blog............

Okay, I really don't want to fall back into old habits by blogging at 1am >.< but I see that my girlfriend has been checking this regularly and I am not holding up my end to entertain her. :D My life is just so boring, what is there to blog about?

I paid bills, I paid a few bills off (WOOT!), than I added a bill by buying a new lawnmower (it finally died after 24 yrs RIP), I drank waaaaaaaaay to much Diet Coke today after telling myself I'd do better >.<, ummm....I found the chirping cricket out of the 3 boxes of crickets and fed him to Harold :D, I helped my sister come up with how to do her buttons without creating the plastic button thingys, and I decluttered my desk I share at work. Wow, exciting day - my blood is racing is yours? :) Oh, and I weeded! Actually upon getting migraines and than them starting to fade, I go into OCD mode. I cannot STAND filth when I don't feel good - it makes me feel, idk, sicker or something. So yesterday when my migraine reverted to just mildly annoying, I cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, and started to bake. Three loaves of bread, 12 Snickerdoodle Muffins, and grilled Pork chops later, I recleaned the kitchen LOL.

Abstract - don't know where this came from but did you know that my freakin' camera on my phone records sound but I can't hear it?!?!? No sound when I play it back on phone, no sound on the stupid email, no sound in movie maker! AH! BUT, if I upload the stupid video to youtube or facebook - viola! SOUND. >.< This annoys me. I was playing with this today also, maybe that's why I thought of it. You see Anthony uses my digital camera to record his movies. Than Anthony usually forgets to remove his movies from my camera - ergo I have no memory on my camera when trying to film his percussion concert on Wednesday night. >/ grumpy mom. My camera on my phone will do video but only in 30 second intervals. Hello - rec...save...rec....save.rec...save...rec get the idea? I'm missing snippets of the one song I taped - their song they played at regionals and I can't HEAR anything to try to put all 8 clips together to form a song. Is this how deaf people feel? I could ask Darran, but I'm sure he wouldn't care.

Cross your fingers - so far my seeds and little tomato plants have survived the rains! Yay - no drowning victims I can see yet! And I hope not...I don't know why but this year I WANT to go play in the dirt - I want an escape and I think it will provide it for me. Dean is bringing home sprouting red potato's from a friends farm this week and we will take those out and plant them also. I'm sure I will have enough to feed Tyson (landowner), my family, and anyone else who would care to benefit from the rain soaked survival garden. :) Okay, I'm getting tired - Choir concert tomorrow night for Olivia, Band concert Wed for Anthony, Awards Assembly for Anthony at 1pm on Friday and than I think maybe Saturday I might be travelling up to Huntsville to get my hair dyed with highlights...woot! Yes, this is how I spend my birthday money and with my grey roots it will only last a freakin 10 days....but yay for 10 days!

Third Weekend in May

So an interesting week this past one. I knew I couldn't get out of my Uncle Doug's funeral, has nothing to do with anyone else but myself. I couldn't face going to his wife's and facing my cousins or my cousin's and facing her family with kids the same age as mine. Some things my PTSD will let me handle, others it will not. Thankfully and gratefully I did really well on Wednesday, I didn't even emotionally crash that night or the next day. So proud :).

Friday I went into Bountiful to get many, many, MANY papers signed or dated that had not been so but needed to be per payroll regulation by the government. I was going to be so imposing but not let on who I was LOL and it worked right up until I knocked over the fake flowers behind me just as the manager walked in the door. Woot for first impressions. =P I wasn't going to let the Manager know that I'm related to some of the owners or employee's there (yes, I work for my family again) but when my nephew started asking me questions about my son from across the room - lol, well cover blown. Should it matter that I'm related? No it shouldn't. I worked for my brothers right out of high school from 18 to 26 and I can tell you that nepotism isn't all it's cracked up to be. I vowed I would not work for my brothers again and I don't - I work for my sister, with my other sister, doing my brothers company payroll. I just like being known for me...my work...my mistakes or brownie points...using the "family" card to me is only good when they weld more power and someone is being a donkey's butt.

Saturday we headed over to our neighbor's farm that he has moved back into and set about getting our garden started. His parents have 4 acres and it's a beautiful place. It was so nice to just be "like out in the country" but still in the city. My horoscope the other day said something about me preferring the city but needing the country and the fresh air for my peace of mind. I do believe I agree with it. Now I just have to lose some of my belly fat so that I can bend over and not squish my diaphragm so much that I can't breathe. =P That gets old pretty fast and kicks in my asthma - ugh, it SUCKS having an body that's aging.

Mother's Day 2011

As it just so happened, Mother's day fell on the exact day that my mom died 5 yrs ago. Five years ago we buried her the day before mother's day. I always loved Mother's Day when I was a kid, loved doing things for my mom and making her things. When I became a mom, I looked forward to it also. However, I had a few children that proceeded to inform me that they were other people's children, not mine...totally throw tantrums on that day just so that it wasn't a pleasant one. Yeah well...it's life, my hubby bless his heart has always tried to make it a special day for me. A friend said something to me yesterday that made me stop and think. She didn't know I had PTSD from being with my mom the day she died - I don't normally go around broadcasting it. She simply knew I wasn't a fan of Mother's Day because my mom died and asked me to remember my mom and all the good things - not that she is dead.

May has slammed me more than any other time except when I was heavy PTSD and seriously could barely drive down the road. Memories of that day are always there, haunting me, nagging at me, trying to make me anxious or stressed. But wow, what clarity of memories has swamped me just in the past 8 days. I don't want to go into them, it is all recorded in my journal and I thought that helped me years ago.

I was woken up this morning by a text from my son on fb, "Happy Mothers day mom! Your one of the coolest moms out there! Thanks for everything! :) Love you!". If that isn't something wonderful to wake up to...glad he finally wants to be my kid after all :). Than my husband posted, so another text. My head was screaming at me (does that when I have a sinus infection)so I just laid there. Someone took my Relief Society lesson for me, Dean and the kids headed off to church. I took a nice warm bath with my new bath salts from Olivia and tried to let my IBU kick in. After a quick shower after I received another text from a girlfriend saying she'd see me in 10 min. CHOCOLATES! Not just any chocolates, but her own handmade, dipped chocolates - ooooh nummy! I collected my hugs, chocolates and gave her the goodies I had planned to drop off at her house. I considered going to the cemetary - it was raining and I honestly don't feel like my mom is there. So I took the orchid corsage I bought her, set it next to my computer and wrote her a poem. (On my facebook notes) Dean had said I could do whatever I wanted today, so I did the dishes. ROFL...it was bugging me and it felt good. I also made a strawberry truffle for dessert (Dean made dinner :) )and just finally felt at peace.

I hope any Mother's, Mother's to be, Sisters or Aunts had a wonderful Mother's day. You all have had a great influence on my children and I love you.

Paix

I'm just......hmm

Lots of things are going on these days, most of it though it affects my life, does not indirectly effect my life. Here a loverly rundown for you... 1. Lost my best online friend - the guy that I've told things to that I'm not sure Dean even knows about. Not sure why he's gone but I'm sure I did something to freak him out again, aka he disappears for over a month, comes back only to game talk or "like" something on my fb..ie: NOT being a FRIEND, so I deleted him from my fb. Which sucks. He no longer texts me, I haven't had his cell # in over 4 mo (I deleted it, he ignored me for it back but he has mine), he doesn't game in the same online games anymore and he always hides on MSN. IE I just totally messed myself because I know him and know that "deleting" him from fb is the worst insult you could give him - even if he ISN'T speaking to you there and there is the only place he would. Ugh...I know it was the right thing to do but I freaking miss him...the real him, not the one who's been hanging around the past 6 mo. :( 2. My son's best friend is gay. Yes, SHE is and he has known about it longer than anyone else on the planet. I am amazed at him, he tries so hard and puts up with so much - kind of like his mom in some respects, which I don't consider a good trait. He loves her, he is willing to accept her as she is; however, her parents are now getting divorced and that leaves him - the only decent trustworthy male figure in her life. I wish as a parent you could help in certain parts of your kids life, but,...you can't. 3. Said parents divorcing above, the mother is one of my best friends from High School. We lost touch when I graduated and she got married but interstingly enough - found each other again after 20 yrs. Lol, funnier? Found out that within the past 15 yrs have always lived within 3 mi of each other and never knew it. :) She's an amazing woman whom I look up to, who has taught herself much, gone through tons, and is now hurting immeasurably and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Ugh. 4. Lost a neighbor? I put a question mark because the house did not sell and we still chat and will be helping out at his parents "farm/acreage" this summer but he no longer lives next door. Yes, I am attached to neighbors - call me weird. You have to understand my cul-de-sac....there are 9 houses in it. It was built in the early 70's and out of the 9 - 4 had the houses built for them and have lived here for over 30+ yrs. The rest of us have been here, 17, 13, 10 and the neighbor that just left had been in that house the longest in 30 yrs - 6 yrs. I fully believe he would still be there if he hadn't lost his job last yr - he is renting it and therefore it is allowing him to keep it. I know, I'm weird - it isn't like I go and have neighborly chit chat's with my neighbors every day or even every week. But...you get familiar, you can easily notice differences if something is wrong - you get what I'm saying right? The new people are very nice, he picked well for us but their dog isn't Poochie's friend Tessa and their suburban isn't a brown truck....it's still just...weird. 5. Ben and School. Heaven help me I don't know what I'm going to do with this child. He has 5 F's. Mostly because the teachers are saying that he isn't turning anything in...than when he DOES turn something in - one teacher LOST an entire packet (witnesses saw it turned in and graded - everything!) and another teacher charged him with plagerism and gave him a fat 0 out of 600 pts and a U. >.< seriously?!?! I don't want to deal with this crap anymore. I don't understand why my children can't DO their work and get it turned IN. I've bribed, I've grounded and I DO NOT want to be my parents and scare my kids into being good students. However, I WAS....ugh, I just hate this. 6. Anthony will be in summer school making up F's in Chemistry and Math. >.< enough said. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, they ARE good kids - I just don't understand them and their lackadazical attitude towards school. It's not like I haven't taught them from the beginning about responsibility and still try to pound it in their head, it's not like there isn't a work ethic being shown or taught to them in our home. This summer we are going back to basics and planting a garden. We all as a family are required to work in it atleast 1 hr a day - everyday except Sundays. However, there will be 4 to 5 of us each time working so we may only have to do every other day. My kids have pets and they have to be reminded to feed and take care of THOSE poor things - it just makes my heart sad. WHY...why why why why WHY, if they can touch it, they can't take care of it in this day and age? Just so rubs me the WRONG WAY!