A Memory...

As I was tweaking the blog I remembered something that I knew I wouldn't for next week's tweak. So, I decided to post it instead.

My father was a very charismatic man. Good looking, well mannered, and due to the military had a definant PRESENCE wherever he went - he commanded attention. I don't ever really remember seeing my dad in his dress uniform or fatigues - he retired from the military when I was two. However, something must have left an impression at an early age, as I LOVE to see men in uniform! I can't help feel proud of what they are doing and the way they look.

Anyhow, back to my subject =].... part of my dad's charisma - to me - was that he sang. He had a deep baritone and he sang around the house, while he was working at chores, with my brothers at family functions and he used to sing solo's in church. I so LOVED listening to my dad sing. My favorite solo's he sang was "I walked today where Jesus walked" and "Jerusalem". I still can hear my dad's voice singing when someone else sings either song - very bittersweet. I so wish we'd gotten a chance to tape my brothers and dad sing "Brightly Beams" - accapella and 4 part harmony. It was the sweetest thing and we heard it often at family celebrations.

There is this little thing called pride and self prejudice. Many, many people used to come up to my dad and comment on how wonderful his song was or thank you for singing. My father LOVED music - =] ever wondered where I got it from? That is, until the one Sunday when I think I was 11 or 12, he sang a solo in church and recorded it. He sang Jerusalem, I can still picture that Sunday in my mind. We went home after church like every other Sunday but dad put the tape in when we got home. He didn't even listen to the entire song.... he said how horrible he sounded, how people must be tone-deaf, and that he would never sing in public again. And he didn't. No more choir, no more solo's, no more singing while he worked unless (like me) he didn't think anyone could hear him or he'd whistle only.

Now, how many grandkids reading this, knew that Grandpa used to sing? I'm 5 yrs older than the oldest of you so only the 5 oldest would have ever heard him or you might remember when we could coax him to sing with your dad's at a family function. Pride and Self-Predjudice.... what are they keeping you from doing that you love?

Well.... DUH

lol.. knowing me you shouldn't be surprised that I make adjustments and alterations to my blog all the time. However; I noticed that on some lists... they are too LONG- psh I don't even want to read through them! LOL. So, I've decided that I will update and when I do, I will delete past things - so if you missed it - it's gone! Poof - =].

Most of you know me personally, well .... do you really? >] So, I started a column over on the side of personal stories. Starting with how Dean and I met...yep ... nope no mistakes, we really did meet and were in engaged 2 weeks after, married 3 months. But, I'm also going to include memories that I personally had with my mom, my dad, or my kids. That way, for the multiple nieces and nephews out there reading this, you can get to know me and them a little bit better.

Hope you enjoy!

Wahoo for Estrogen!

I have said for YEARS that my hormones are outta whack. But, no one believed me or they would just switch my birth control - psh. However, after seeing a prescribing nurse for my "psycotropic" drugs and a therapist who says I'm one of the most sane people she's ever met (HA, at the time I wanted her to admit me to the Phsyc ward) one finally said, well if its cyclic, than we can't do anthing about that you need to talk to your OB. The NP at my OB's put me on Premarin - Estrogen supplements. 0.0 they found my sanity! Oh my heck! WAHOO!

I have been taking them now for 3 wks so they are finally in my system and there is a WORLD of difference in my world. Like this morning- I walked a mile and got outta bed before 11! =0 (oh did I mention I don't sleep until like 3am?) I'm going to start walking another mile before bed to see if that helps me not only lose weight but get to sleep. What I think would be a cool goal? Haven't chatted with my hubby yet but an idea ^_^ , I would love to do the 3 day walk with Lisa and whoever would join us next year. I was very proud of her and her blisters this year and think that if I keep that goal in mind, I can do more and more miles a day in my one hour and work up to more hours =] I might get my waist back yet! I haven't set any goals to start running after my walking improves, I'm still not sure my reactive asthma would let me, or my old knee's and hips - lol I won't go on.

So ladies, besides having baby blues or depression may I suggest the following: 1. Excercise - OUTSIDE while you can, its nice to be OUT of the house. 2. Find a friend willing to be positive when you are having your negative and vice versa (male or female) 3. If it is clinical - get medicine, it won't go away on it's own, you'll just think it did until it slams you. 4. Check to see if it really isn't your hormones! After all, having kids really screws up our bodies - mentally and physically.

I can't believe I forgot =[

With everything going on, I acknowledged and recognized my Dad's birthday on his birthday but totally forgot to put it on my blog. Ugh, always a day late and a dollar short I guess - lol, he used to say that.

Growing up we all have memories of our parents that we soon rather not. Punishments, taskmasters, stern, etc etc etc. Whatever my memories, my parents did something right, for I feel that I didn't turn out so bad. Therefore, on Sept 11, 1926 my dad was born. His birthday now marks a mournful day for the USA and as a 25 yr Veteran, had he lived to see it, he would have been horrified. So, last week my dad would have been 82. WOW - he's been gone for 10 yrs now, he died when I was 28, with a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. They don't really remember much of him which makes me sad, my daughter did not know him at all. So, I would like to put a few "good, funny, touching" memories of my dad here, to celebrate his life and birthday.

He LOVED Calvin & Hobbs and Bugs Bunny. When he started getting sick, Anthony would crawl up into his lap and they would watch Bugs Bunny together and laugh.

He was the animal vet at the house and on the farm. From military experience he could stitch up any fowl, rub vaseline on it, and campo-phenic cured ANYTHING but stung like **ll!

He would hatch the duck and chicken eggs in an incubator in the basement, he loved all animals.

He was a "jack of all trades". He could do many things and there wasn't anything he wouldn't try.

He had a very strange sense of humor, once we realized that he actually HAD one!

My mom was the love of his life and even if he was gone for an occasion, he would pre-order flowers so that she knew she was never forgotten and always on his mind.

His common catch phrases were: Bonehead!, Well I'll be a swiss aviator!, Terry's Rouse!, that soundtracks wrong, and Press On. For the longest time, Press On was how he said I love you - until he finally learned to say it when he was in his late 60's.

My dad always had an uncanny knack of "knowing" about his girls love lives. Which young man was "best" and what relationship would and wouldn't work out. My dad met Dean the "NIGHT" before our wedding because of his work schedule. When my mom told him I was engaged over the phone, he calmly replied, "What's his name?" and when he met him, "We expect great things from you young man". That's it, he knew. And after that he treated Dean just like he was his own son, for that he and I will forever be grateful.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY D.O.D, I miss you
and your wisdom.

Very cool quote

“Do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities but pray for abilities equal to your tasks. Then the performance of your tasks will be no miracle but you will be the miracle.” President Thomas S. Monson, "Three Goals to Guide You"

Found this on a friends blog and thought it was wonderful! How often do we feel like we don't get answers to prayers just simply cuz we word them wrong? This quote makes great sense, you are still getting blessed yet it takes away the me, me , me and puts it back to blessing others as well as yourself.

Have a great day!

Let's try this again =]

Today isn't so bad, I must have gotten some sleep - lol. As I was reading my past entries, I should apologize for all the doom and gloom that I've been sharing lately. What I haven't shared are those friends that have stuck by me, cemented a stronger friendship and bond. =] For these friends and my ever wonderful, patient hubby - I will always be grateful. I get to tell my hubby, thank you and I love him, everyday - maybe not enough but I'm trying to get better at that =]. So this is for my friends, who's comments are: Everyone changes, whether naturally or chemically, it's just a part of accepting who you are.

Serendipity

Through time and space and motion,

when chance turns to trust and care
though at times distant and crazy,
I know that you'll always be there.

Though we have differences in culture,
age, and circumstance
I can't help but sit and wonder,
was our meeting pure happenstance?

I don't believe in chances,
fate or circumstance.
Some people touch our lives,
while others pass as a glance.

I hold you as a treasure,
a dear friend, with a place in my heart
An accident I know it's isn't
for in my life you have a part.

kzenger 9/16/08

Still...

It's been an interesting couple of weeks and today is no exception. So, this is about as good as it gets =].

How Do I Forget?

Souls are linked forever,
though friends sometimes depart.
Yet all is not forgotten,
they've left footprints on my heart.

I still reach out in worry,
and wonder how they are.
Yet my words will never reach them,
the distance grows too far.

I remember times of laughter,
smiles, pain, and tears.

Happy memories and thoughts,
that we'd be friends for years.

Yet life goes on without them,
only in my thoughts do they remain.
For their footprints are now embedded,
on my soul they've left a stain.

Kzenger 9/14/08

She's 8!!! Gah! Baptism Oct 11th, 1 pm

Scary enough that my baby is 8 yrs old and I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant! AH! Hmm, maybe I'll just blame it on sitting full-time for work and the stress 3 kids bring - ha ha.

Okay, she actually turned 8 on Wednesday, the 10th but today was her High School Musical Party with her 4 friends. She opened her family presents on
Wednesday when we went out to eat as a family. She got lots of fun HSM stuff, Hanna Montana stuff, and Cheetah Girls. Yep, she is ALL girl. She wanted me to make her cake Zach Efron 0.0, erm no. As you can see, I won - no people faces, only animations.

We bought the DVD HSM2 game and she and her friends challenged each other - figured out 2 friends had never seen HSM2 so we stopped before there was a winner. Funny enough, once the girls left to go do other things, Dean and the boys restarted the game and played. It was a dead heat between all three with Benjamin finally winning and Anthony and Dean sitting 1 space away from the winners circle! It took them ALOT less time to play - hmm, we don't do Disney - ya think?

This Week's Marriage & Family Relations Lesson

Well, I finished my lesson this week, part b of part 2 of Teaching your Children Gospel Principals. This week I got to teach on teaching children the value of honest labor and morality/chastity. Lol, I also taught the lesson on fidelity/intimacy in marriage- good thing I don't have a problem with talking about those things. A great quote from my lesson was "Those who teachest are themselves being taught" - or something to that effect. It's very, very true and one of the reasons I like my class, everyone shares idea's of what works and doesn't work in their own families so we all get to collectively learn together.

I suppose it wasn't hard for me teach this lesson, because I've been discussing it with teenagers for - forever it seems - or atleast since I've been married and first put into the Young Women's Organization. However, that was 17 yrs ago and I have to tell you - it's very scary out there these days! I thought it was bad when I was growing up and I can tell you my experiences don't even scratch the surface of what these kids face - each and every day. I think our schools have turned into rated R movies and our children have to try to live G amongst the R. Not easy. If I wasn't proud of my children before, the more I learn the more proud I am.

Anthony for example is the most stubborn child in the universe!!! Even in delivery, he was 2 days late and than contractions stopped when I was fully dilated! Psh, child. When he was 2 my friends and I would chat about how normal discipline wasn't working and we had no clue how to control these stubborn monsters! But we also realized that it was a quality that was going to be needed in the last days. Once they KNOW something and have it in their head - HA, good luck to the person who tries to argue with them. =] He now uses that wonderful stubbornness that I used to dread, to help protect him from everything the world is throwing at him and peer pressure says he must do. No, he is not perfect but he stands tall and finally realized what it means to walk uprightly - now it's mom & dad's turn to help him continue walking that way.

That's what our lesson was about - we cannot be our parents and start puberty conversations at puberty - your children already know by that age. As with anything else, we need to be forthright, honest, and open and include these discussions in family home evenings and more intimate settings if necessary. The Gospel should be the foundation of our homes, we need to teach our children the Lord's values and ideals not let the world teach them incorrect principals for us. And we need to do it when they are young and not when it's too late.

Silly Me

Silly me... for the pic above but I just HAD to show all of you that I actually HAVE fingernails!!!! Wahoo! Not sure how much longer they will last, prolly not through the day so thought I would share while they are actually there. Okay for those that don't see my hands often, it's my wedding ring and than my mom's (on top). And no there isn't anything inbetween my pointer & index finger - that's my scar from my dog bite 2 yrs ago - lol. Questions answered.

Sunday, August 31st - Anthony was ordained to the office of Teacher in the Aaronic Priesthood. You can see here how much he has grown if you haven't seen him lately. Yep, he is 14 now and in 9th grade! Eek, he'll be in HS next year - life goes too fast. Dean's parents and Brother with his family came up to help assist with the ordinance. Amber came to visit also - his niece at BYU. Darran, has finally caved and gotten a seeing eye dog - Archer. He's a Yellow English Lab so his face looks different than poochie but they got along great and he's a very docile animal. Wow, as a side note, you can really see the wrinkles in Anthony's shirt =0, guess he better start ironing it Saturday nights. =]

People Pleasing

=] Well, 2 days later, 4 lbs lighter and some really bad nights sleep; I'm hoping that I finally have a grip on things. My goal today was to help myself feel better; I went and got myself lunch to see if I would actually eat something (0-0 I know, don't pass out from shock! lol), I upped my anxiety dosage in hopes of not having to take the medication that actually makes my depression worse. And THAN, I sent an email and wrote a note on a wall.

Let me explain; over the past month I have made a real mess of 2 of my important relationships, my self adopted sons Tyler and Brandon. Yeah, I could literally be their birth mom's, which might be why they occasionally call me mom but they were really, really good friends. Somewhere in the jumbled mess my moods were making of my life- they got caught in the middle - hard as I tried to not let them. I thought I was handling things better than last year but my mistake.

I am a people pleaser - might explain a lot of my anxiety, but in some cases I think it's a good thing. Like making me ask for forgiveness so that I can forgive myself. Whether it's my fault or not, I simply cannot handle people mad at me; the closer the relationship to me, the worse my anxiety/depression gets. So, following the advice of "The Prodigal Son", once my head re-affirms itself, I send apologies. It's important to me that whoever it is, they understand why I did what I did, and that I regret the consequence that has resulted from it. At times too much damage has been done, but even if the relationship is not repaired - the hope that I am not thought of as a monster but maybe just as a "demented soul" lol - makes me feel a little better that perhaps one less person hates me.

Some might look at this as wrong but I look at it slightly different. When I think I'm right and have argued- I'm just as much to blame as the person who I feel is wrong because my pride will not let me say I'm sorry. Are good relationships really worth your pride? I've learned they are not. My friends, memories of friends, knowledge and family are all I will take with me when I leave this life. I would really like to have those with me than just a sorry lot of pride and loneliness.

Get tired of the Question WHY? me too

Unfortunately, it seems to be ever present when diliberating over a problem and since life is full of problems, the question is always there. My why? Why do we allow other people's freedom of choice hurt us? Yeah, I already know the answer. It isn't our choice, its a consequence of theirs - everything you decide with your free will has a direct impact on someone or something, good or bad. So there is no truth to the statement, "I'm not hurting anyone", you just don't realize it.

The interesting thing about depression/anxiety is that there seems to be a bubble. Try as hard as possible to see outside that bubble and your effect on others, it isn't always possible. They hide it from you, thinking that it is doing you good. They don't want to add to your burden by showing you that they have one. I tried to explain the other day that by sharing their burdens, it makes mine light because I forget about me - which is unfortunately what depression is all about... me me me me me. Ugh, getting pretty sick of myself lately- lol.

I really believe that depression and stress are two different things. Stress adds to my ANXIETY disorder; however, if I don't have stress - I don't know what to do. So I need SOME, just not an overload. Back when my boys were little I went to a female health workshop and took a stress class. My anxiety wasn't NEAR what it is now- I think it compounded it though. We did a test to see how stressed you are and what stress level is unhealthy - can I laughingly tell you that my stress level was over 100 and you shouldn't have been over 70, I think. The teacher just looked at me and asked why I wasn't laying on the floor and how I was functioning. Didn't have an answer than, don't really have an answer now except......... I really love this chorus and I think it fits anyone that can still function through the stress of life. Incredible song... Stand, Rascal Flats......."When push comes to shove, you taste what your made of, you might bend til you break cuz its all you can take, on your knees you look up decide you've had enough, you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands shake it off, than you STAND.

Amazingly Serene

You find those days, rare they may be, that you actually feel at peace. No, I'm not saying that everything is going right, but there is a peace about you. Being the overthinker, worrier that I am, it unsettles me when these moments come. I always worry that the Lord's preparing me for something - psh, why can't I be like everyone else and actually just enjoy having PEACE in my life? Lol, cuz I'm not made that way I guess. Anyhow, right now is one of those "peace" moments. I've kinda been doing my own this thing morning, taking my time to face the day- my med's seem to be working- so I'm good. It's nice to be able to have reminders of what peace actually feels like, happiness and joy. Don't get me wrong, I have had loads of all in my life; however, at this time, I'm finding my way back to them.

Hard to understand how someone can look to you for guidance when you feel that you are floundering in the water. =] Maybe it's like they say, better at giving advice than taking it- he he.

I was challenged..... here it is......

Twelve Months of the Year

As the Earth revolves from day to day,

The climate changes and the waves sway,

I see God’s beauty all around me

Distinct and precious, as life should be.

In January, the winter snow;

Brings a frozen chill at zero below

In February, still cold it be;

But the frost makes beauty on all you see.

Come March, the season starts to turn,

Bringing sunshine and hope for all to learn.

Lo April, the beauty does abound,

As rebirth is sung from heaven and ground.

Sweet May with its flowers and green everywhere,

The sweet smell of spring still in the air.

For June tender voices now turn loud,

As schools release the masses in crowd.

July, oh so fancy with grand holidays,

Brings sparkle and rememberance of yesterdays.

August too soon, the summer does disappear,

With thoughts of school and fall, lingering near.

September, last chance, for a holiday,

Last chance to rest and sing and play.

October, tis FALL! My favorite of year

Crisp leaves and colors, winter’s soon here.

November, be grateful for all you possess,

The family, the friends, the loving closeness.

December arrives with Christmas in tow,

See the beautiful lights, feel the spirits soft glow.

As the Earth revolves from night to day,

Many wonderous blessings are thrown my way.

As I reach to count them one by one,

I know in my heart, I can never be done.

Kzenger 9/1/08

One of my friends came up with the idea to write a poem about each month of the year, 1 line for each month. Than she found out I write poetry also- always have since I was 12. Must run in the Terry/Roche genes =]. Anyhow, I accepted her challenge and this is my effort. This is one of those 30 min or less poems so I hope it isn't that bad =].