Just so RUDE =]

It's just not fair that when they finally give me pills that help me be tired at this time of night, I now can't shut my mind off! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (insert picture of pulling hair out) Psh, Olivia couldn't sleep last night either due to the fact that she was up at 5am saying she couldn't go back to sleep, than finally fell back asleep and slept til NOON! Ha ha - that was a first ever for her! But she's had pink eye in both eyes so I caved and let her be.
I used to could fall asleep by daydreaming (ha ha) at night, thinking of things I "wanted" to dream about, of course never turned out that way but its always fun to day dream right? These days its hard to day dream - people have no faces or they simply disappear and can't be placed. So, I've been trying to daydream about the ending of my book, but alas, I only know the final 3 sentences - LOL! >]
I've started a new book "Bear Trapped" yet only the beginning has come to me, so that's where it stays atm. Last night another came to mind yet I'm not sure if I want to write it, it would be full of personal stuff which I don't necessarily mind - however, if certain people in my past were to find out - I don't want to do that to them. Therefore, I will have to think on that one and let you know. It is the story of Cody and Sam - teenage years =] kind of like a teenage diary - HA HA scary I know right?!?
So over the past week, I've discovered really what depression is - not what causes it but rather what it does to you or me for that matter and I've been under the constant scrutiny of myself the hypocrite. I've judged a friend wrongly when they have done nothing to me except for be honest and I have hurt another friend by trying to protect them from me. *sigh* Does anything ever turn out the way its supposed to? or is that being conceited to think that we have any control over anything in our lives. Yes, as many of you know I am a recovering perfectionist - we are all about the control. Mayhaps we must learn the control over ourselves (the knowing and accepting that we have no control) before we can develop the patience to help other's control themselves - thereby putting God's plan into motion. Interesting....

Gilbert Grape

Interesting movie...not wonderful, not bad...just interesting. With Gilbert's long hair he could almost look like Pirate Jack Sparrow lol, that kept coming to mind. Interesting how you do what you need to enable to survive. I can relate to his mom so much. There are just times in your life when you just don't want to do it anymore. You just can't handle it, you want to just forget it all and be a slug. I'm not a full blown slug, I do work and drive my kids around, etc etc. Yet there are times my family looks at me and says "you just go from here to there, that's it". And yes, I know I'm not 400 lbs, not 300 either but I feel like I look like it. I hate getting dressed in the morning, hate looking at myself in the mirror. I know we all change with age but really? 80 lbs overweight and losing my hair...really?

So here's the thing, last month when I turned 40, I had not come through with one of my goals - to be what I think is "fabulous at forty"....I wasn't even close =P lol. BUT, I have reminded myself that 40 last all year, not just one day. In order to feel better about myself on the inside, I have to also feel better about myself on the outside. So...things are going to change. Because I really do feel like the mom at the end of the movie - an embarrassment and not wanting to meet anyone, not wanting to be seen, hoping that's not all that's paid attention to.

Isabel De Los Rios, here I come.

Self Examinations

Wow... I can only say that depression is sort of enlightening. How do I put this....hmm. Depression is you telling yourself everything wrong about yourself that you've always known about but had hoped you'd overcome. It can be beyond exhausting physically because you are beating yourself up emotionally. In effect, you are poisioning yourself slowy, or quickly, depending on the person and how bad it is.

I am very strong willed. I am overly emotional, overly critical, over protective, arrogant, selfish and whiney. Everything I dislike in other people, makes sense doesn't it? Those things we hate about ourselves and have worked so hard to try to overcome are what annoy us in others. It annoys because it scares us. Scares us that maybe we haven't overcome, that maybe we will see its acceptable or worse yet we are judging that I've tried to overcome, why haven't you?

There are those who relish putting others down. When your life lacks compliments or happiness, the only way to feel better is to let someone you are close to feel that they are smaller than you. Whether it is for the need to have them need you or just to gain a bigger ego, it isn't right.

Therefore, after explaining all this, why can a smile, a ♥, a text, a smile; how can those lighten your day? How can they turn a depressant to a better part of their journey? Because its positive. Positive will always win out Negative in the war over a soul. We are human beings, we crave love, touch, happiness, light. Is it really worth it when you are upset to make everyone else around you upset by snapping at them? Isn't it worth the time to smile? Say something nice - sometimes that be very hard but still.

"but the master comes and the thoughtless crowd can never quit understand, the worth of a soul or the change that's wrought, by the touch of the master's hand."

Waiting...waiting...la la la

I'm on YPP (Yo-ho Puzzle Pirates) and waiting for a friend to come chart me so that I can get my boat the last little bit to the island I now reside on. He went to get food - psh imagine! lol.

Not much going on these days. Watched Dany and Caleb's puppy for a week. Lol, my poor kids are soooooooo pampered by having Lefty it isn't even funny. Dean already doesn't like lap dogs but he was nicer to her before she left. Anthony's biggest complaint was having to set his alarm for 8am each day to get up and let her out >] what a mean mom I am- first week of summer vacation and everything! he he. He volunteered, and than he claimed he didn't realize how long she was staying - pfft, like it makes a difference? No. Olivia and Ben took up the slack - what good chitlins and took her out, helped clean up her messes - thankfully there weren't that many, and helped keep her away from Lefty. Lefty decided he doesn't like puppies that bite his ears. Can you imagine? lol.

Anthony spends his mornings this week driving with the driver's ed teacher- so yeah, still no sleeping in. ;) Poor baby. Trek is forthcoming and he hasn't started walking yet - he needs to or he is gonna have mighty sore feetlings. I offered to go with him and I think if I combine it with driving to somewhere to walk, he'll go more for it. =D tricky momster.

My back is trying to seize up again. I HATE having a body that thinks its 80 when I'm only 40. It's actually felt this way for many years but hello- really? that's just RUDE. Thankfully I have these great heat patch things I put on twice a day and of course, more lovely drugs. Ugh...why can't I just be like I used to? wow...now I even SOUND 80! >.<

Hmmmm

I don't know what to think, don't know that I want to think. Life pretty much stinks when you get what you want but it isn't exactly how you wanted it so it tortures you. Anyone else ever have that problem? It seems to cycle with me...I sure wish I knew what I wanted and wasn't so self-doubting about it.

Y'all be proud of me...I went to a small get together with some gf's from HS last night. Unless its a double date with Lin and David, or I have to teach RS, yes - the people person doesn't leave the house. Pretty sad actually and I think its part of what's wrong with me - won't discuss this part right now, back to the get together. It was at my friend Becky's house- she lives just 4 miles from me - really good to have her close again. Suzie came up from South Jordan and Kris was up visiting from Texas and found her way over also. None of us have seen each other in like 20 yrs - it was a lot of fun laughing, catching up, hearing drama, touring Becky's house (beautiful!). She has a really cute family and her 15 yr old daughter reminds me of my 15 yr old son - lol, I think they'll become great friends they do alot of similiar geek things ;). Honestly if it weren't for Becky I don't think I would have gone last night. We were good friends for about 4 yrs or so- I was even friends with her little sister.

Think I'll just stop here.

A Good Day

Yeah I hear you - if it was a good day, why are you writing this at 12:07 am and not in bed? =P shup. So I got an amazing birthday gift this year. I received a 30 min session with my massage therapist and a 30 min session with my reflexologist - plus a little extra to buy some electrolyte stuff and a new essential oil. Thanks to all my wonderful siblings who still remember me each year, even on years that I remember you but am unable to show it. =(

I have friends who don't believe in my reflexology visits yet they are glad that they are helping me. However, they think that I'm just paying someone to do something I could do myself. Honestly, I used to do it myself - I've survived from age 15 to than 36, being able to fix myself or atleast repair the damage and continue. Than at 36 it all caught up to me...I couldn't help myself anymore, I couldn't fix me and it was the hardest thing I've ever done...I asked for help. Humility is a scary thing, to admit that we aren't perfect, that we might need someone else to lean on, someone to talk to, someone to encourage us, or someone just to understand. I did learn a few good things from my psychologist that I saw for 3 months but she didn't really help me. The LNP who was using me as a guinea pig for over a year using different prescription drugs and than mixes of them - finally just left me with a combo that atleast helped me through the day. I wasn't fixed but I was crudely mended and sent back out to figure the rest out for myself. To my friends I say this....sometimes you need someone to tell you what to do. Sometimes you are so lost that you really can't see the road before you, its blurred, maybe has scary drops and turns that you aren't sure how to navigate.

My reflexologist said something today that I think changed my whole thought process about everything. Yes, after 4 yrs I'm still damaged, not as much as I was thank heavens, but now its me empowering myself. Using the tools, the knowledge and a thought process that will enable me to do what the good Lord intended - heal myself with his help. Many of my friends don't believe in God either - they believe in a greater being but don't see how a loving God could let there be so much hurt and pain in the world. At times it is easy to see their point, yet I see a bigger picture. If we didn't suffer we wouldn't appreciate NOT suffering or be able to teach another how wonderful they have it because they don't. We all have free agency which unfortunately means you can crush my world at any whim you have and so could someone to you. Even though we don't understand why you had to infringe on my world and damage it, there could be something unseen or years down the road that will end up helping us or someone else. The sun really does come up the next day and the day after that...this life isn't about just surviving but enduring all the pain, heartache, sadness and good and love that we see and feel.

I was given an emotional release today - lol she really didn't do anything but let me talk, gave me some homeopathics that I would not have thought of on my own and something to repeat to myself. I've done the positive psychology for a long time and today it clicked. She told me to tell myself, "I am safe, I am loved, I have everything I need to take care of myself". I looked her in the eye and laughed and said, "but I know I'm lying to myself - how does that work?" These two wonderful words..... "even though". You've heard the phrase 'fake it til you make it'? Same thing...its more powerful than we know. Our minds are more powerful than anyone knows. We have the power through our minds, through the belief coupled in our minds and hearts to heal ourselves and many other miraculous things. I will say these things to myself and eventually they will be true. For right now, the chaos in my life is seeping into my family's - my relationships are starting to change to what I think about myself. I can't let that happen. If my thoughts have created this hell that I am currently living in and experiencing - a thought from someone or something that I'm not worth it, life is hopeless - whatever. THAN, my thoughts can turn it around and I can create a world that I want to live in and I can improve my relationships instead of tear them down.

"EVEN THOUGH right now its hard, it WILL be better. I WILL be safe and loved and secure".

Here and Gone...

Olivia couldn't sleep last night, growing pains in her legs and feet; therefore, when I went to bed at 2:30am I did not get to sleep the rest of the night. This morning when I was awaiting to go to sleep and all the kids were heading out the door to school my mind started running with things I wanted to say. Needless to say, they are now gone which means I will either remember later or they were emotional outbursts which means that its prolly better that I don't remember. ;]

Memorial Day 2010

I found this hat amongst my dad's things (that my mom had refused to distribute) upon my mom's death. No one in my family has ever worn these hats but me and my dad - Dean and my kids wear them also so I gladly took the hats and added to my hord. When I was 13 I went to Girls Camp with the Young Women in my ward. They told my mom to give them something I would miss and think I'd just misplaced so they could present it to me at camp - lol - she gave them one of my dad's hats that I constantly wore. I simply thought my dad reclaimed it and took another.




The proof in the pudding...AHHH attack of the orange hair!! Ha ha ha ha ha - that was when my mother decided she missed my blonde hair (it has grown darker every year since puberty) and tried to change it back - erm...OOPS =P.

Anyways, Memorial Day.... my father had never planted a garden or grown anything until he met my mother. She taught him - and than she regretted it as did ALL of us children...he he. My father had one of the biggest green thumbs I've ever seen and unfortunately I have not inherited that. My mom said that after she taught him and he planted his first garden he would go check on the plants before even coming inside and saying hello - made her very grumpy, lol.
Therefore, growing up we always had animals and gardens and flowers. Not quite so extensively as when we moved to Nephi. My dad built a large greenhouse to the side of the house and we had flower beds INSIDE along the brick wall that spanned the property, along the sidewalks up to the house, from the front of the house around to the greenhouse, and roses and poppies all along the fence chainlink that seperated us from the empty lot (went along the driveway). He took excellent care of them and the lawn - needless to say, I LOVED that yard. Hated working in it but it was the absolute best place to lay out on the grass. The house was 100 yrs old so it had these HUGE tree's that surrounded the property - they made for great leaf piles in the fall >]. I know I always say I hated growing up in Nephi - but I never said that there weren't some good things about it =]. To continue...lol...Memorial Day for me each year meant PLANTING and weeding. My grandma was the only one deceased at the time and my dad was very private about visiting her grave. His fallen comrades I'm sure he kept in his heart as we had moved so many times, there were none anywhere around us. Therefore, every Memorial Day we took the plants OUT of the greenhouse and planted them in all those flower beds and every Labor Day we dug them up and put them back in the greenhouse. >.< Thankfully my mom and dad took care of the greenhouse - I only had to water or fertilize every now and than. My mom loved plants as well and they were hanging all over the living room and family room. So, to any of my pirate friends that have seen my multiple houses, you now know the reason of all the green in my homes. I unfortunately cannot keep anything alive except a Christmas Cactus and that green plant that grows and grows and would take over your house if you let it (not awake enough to name it ;]).

My tiny little 1300 sq ft home sits on .25 acre so I have a really decent sized back yard that the weeds and my dog love >.<. My dad died 6 months after we moved in...I had high hopes for his green thumb and jack of all trades abilities with my new little purchase. Alas, my hubby isn't a jack of all trades and even if he were - he doesn't have the time, he's rarely home as it is. However, I now have two strong teenage boys that will be doing ALOT of yard remodeling this summer =D..WAHOO. (well not for them >]) Maybe I should start stocking up on the natural muscle relaxants now. :D

I spent my day weeding....I figured I'd disgraced my parents and neighbors enough and since I couldn't get my kids out there (they don't weed like me anyways) I slapped on my hat, gloves, mp3 player, wand and headed to my front yard for 3 hrs. I only got 1 flower bed done >.< to ="]">.< lol, I figure I honored them the best I could. Arthritic achy fingers and a popped blister in the center of my palm later.....Happy Memorial Day Mom and Dad...I love you.