Again?!?!?!

I believe it interesting that we never learn. Isn't that one of the things we get after our children for the most? Didn't you learn? or I thought you would of learned by now. Lol - wow do we sound like our heavenly parents or what?!? Do you think that sometimes, just like us here as earthly parents, that God sits and laughs at our ultimate stupidity? Not cruelly but like repeatedly bumping into walls - hello, it's always been there, the wall didn't move. =] I am continually being "taught" lessons that I don't necessarily think are for me to "learn" but rather to gain experience and knowledge. These lessons you cannot avoid as long as you live on this earth, unless you are a hermit. "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." um, exactly. Especially when you are talking about relationships with any other of God's creations. They have free will, just like you - makes it a world of great expectations and a lot of experience. The good come with the bad, the pain with the joy, and the experience allows us to make the pain a little less painful for others who might have the same occasion to learn.

I grew up with a friend who would get really agitated with me but would never get mad at me. He would defend me to his own friends, even the principal when it was HIS parents that got me sent there. =] I remember only once him getting really mad at me, because I was mad at him and he didn't understand why. I would laugh as mutual friends would tell me all the wonderful cussing names he would be using whenever I was mentioned and how he would go OUT of his way to avoid even passing me in the halls at school - bet he had a lot of tardies >]. No one understood, but I did. For years I was the- go to friend, the backend friend, the "when I don't have a girlfriend", and only when we're not around mutual friends. Psh like they didn't already know - hello 6 yrs is a LONG time. Why did I laugh? Because it meant he cared. I could NEVER get him to admit it - he'd show it but never admit it. At that point, he couldn't deny it - you are only the vehement about something you care about, because you hurt. After about 2 months friends couldn't take it anymore so they pleaded and I explained why I did what I had. No response that day, next day- by darned if someone didn't show up early to class to walk me out and to my locker.

This friend and I, though we have lost touch currently, still keep up on each other's lives. Still dream about the other when big changes happen in their lives. He married 2 months after me, we each have 3 children but his are girls 1 boy, and they are all the same ages. Nope, didn't plan a bit. I add this part just to show that there are those you "relocate" as you live your life. Those that I would like to think you were "bonded" to or "friends" with in the pre-exsistence. (Yep, Starchild is one of my favorites.) I have been blessed to find atleast 6 of these friends in my life so far. One came and went fleetingly, one was this dear friend in Jr/High School, one was a great friend before I met my husband and one is my wonderful husband. The other two I have just met within the last year.

My point being? All of these friends react the same, they never get angry -just hurt or sad - and are always there when needed. They can tell, it's a feeling - it's a connection. The lesson to learn? Try not to be yourself tooo much and push the boundary of that bond beyond it's "earthly" limits - they have free agency too.

So that's why.....

I've always wondered why I never had patience. Lol, in ANY shape, form, size or conjuncture. I have false patience with other people and other people's children - that's part of my mask. But that gets really, really tiring when used for too long.

So as sitting here this morning: I chatted with a friend, did some distilling, swordfighting, and bilging - so in a sense, was thinking =] -and I realized, impatience comes from unsurity. Yep, I like my new word.... unsurity=the not knowing if something will happen, let alone when. Ding, ding, ding!!! The bells of this "recovering perfectionist's" brain went off. Does that mean that now that I understand patience that I will get some.... erm, NO - rofl. It simply means, that the Lord has finally allowed me to understand so NOW, I get to work on it.

Let me explain... we all know that there is OUR time and the LORD's time and the twain never meet. Therefore, sometimes when prayer is offered, the Lord grants our petitions yet, requires it in HIS time, not ours. So are we REALLY impatient waiting for this answer or is it that we are questioning our FAITH that he WILL really answer. When my kids don't come when I want them NOW... my impatience seems to be more of "did they not hear me", "do they not want to hear me", OR "am I not important enough to them to listen to". BINGO! Hit the name right on the head. Impatience has nothing to do with other people - necessarily - it has EVERYTHING to do with me. How I see myself, how I view others and how I LET myself RESPOND to what "I THINK" is going on around me.

It's not that other people have more patience than I do..... they just simply have better self control and better self esteem.

Time is repeating itself...

Psh and almost to the exact month... how really weird is that? Last year at this time, I was on FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) and dwindling my vac/sick hours to nothing. All while trying to not show the world around me that I was sick and keeping my mask firmly intact. =/ Well, as you've read over the past several months, I can no longer do that as my mask is crumbling and decaying before me.

My body has adjusted itself to my "cocktail" of medications I was taking so once again - "crappy time of year" I am putting my poor family through "heck" while my body adjusts and decides if it will "listen" to the new dosage of medication. Along with this I have an inner ear infection which is making my world spin, stomach quease and HEY, it's 90+ and I'm wearing a hoodie~!!! =D

So just a word of warning my friends... if my posts start sounding strange or bizarre or "dark" ... just remember this post and pass it off for me. =]

Vindication

As Ms. adorable Emma would say, "If your asking me, your asking the wrong person!". I thought that quote quite wonderful Emma, thanks for sharing Isha. The great thing about it, it fits so perfectly with what I am writing about today.

Brandon has labeled he and I, the "dr's" to everyone else and nicely enough - to each other the most. He absolutely hates that I can get him to tell me ANYTHING and he knows that if he refuses I will say fine, that I will get it out of him later - ha, he can't argue. Therefore, he labels us that way because many pirates and online friends ask us for advice or share their lives with us. =] Now you understand my word of the week. Brandon even named his new crew that - Vicarious.

While chatting last night, for an amazing 3 hrs to one individual - regarding treatment of another individual, I found out some very interesting things. First, people judge a lot, which is so unfair. While trying to get you to not, what they assume to be judging another; they in turn are judging - me/you.
Wow, how many times do we do that to other people, seriously? Without thought or even conscious effort; it puts a whole new twist on the commandment to judge not and to repent when you do.
Anyhow, through these 3 hrs, the conversation took a definate turn as she realized that she had misjudged me, that she did not know all the facts of the relationship I held with this person she was defending. She even came to realize that I might know this person better than she. So it was agreed upon that my "non-kid glove" treatment of this individual was in fact to their benefit. I cannot be a different friend than I am; a friend which this person opens up to and communicates with. Those of you who know me well; lol, will admit that if I truely care about you, I don't mince words. Why should I? Yes, I try to do it diplomatically but honestly, I think it's nice to get a wake up call every now and than. Without a wake up call, would you want to change? Let's think about that.

Remember how great it feels to be vindicated? Shouldn't we vindicate others every day by deplinishing the beam in our own eye before we strike at theirs?

What do we miss?

I was chatting with a friend earlier today, and while doing so this thought came to me, "Because we are who we are, what do we miss"? or do we in fact miss anything?

Let me explain.. . ... what brought this about was her telling me of a strange "female cycle" she was having and she was concerned. When I asked, could she be pregnant?, the response I got took me back. I'll paraphrase "Even though the thought of carrying "his" child is amazing...". Hmm, people ask how Dean and I met and I always tell them to ask for his version because his is more romantic =]. As a teenager, I read smut books, watched WAY too many soap opera's and I believe had a very distorted idea of what "love" really was. Thankfully, a caring Heavenly Father took notice of that and sent me a remarkable man that "I LOVE" but not in the giddy - worldly way. That kind of love is too easily destroyed, disregarded, and dismantled. That's not the kind I needed in my life, and gratefully, it is not the type I received.

I am one that TOTALLY has to have a "safety zone" lol. During periods of my life, I'm sure that many that I've encountered would be shocked to hear that. However, it is very, very true. I admit that while being a "recovering perfectionist", part of that perfectionist is not going into something I don't know about or how to do. I once wanted 12 kids - HA! Than I had the lovely experience of going on New Years Eve when I was 12 yrs old to be with my mom, while she was with my sister having a baby. 0.0 I can't even get the eyes I want in here -lol- needless to say, I didn't want ANY kids after that. I already hated doctors so I wanted NOTHING to do with an OB/GYN, having babies - nothing! My comment always used to be... I will need to REALLY love the man that gets me to do these things. =] and I do - 3 kids later.

Long story short,(sorry about that), my point is - being that I am the way I am - being forced, sounds harsh but I will use it anyways, out of my comfort zone and into a new territory - did I miss some wonder moments? Being pregnant and having children is just a natural part of marriage to me - did I miss out on the "wow, I'm carrying this amazing man's child"? I think too often we are caught up in the "why's" and "how's" of life that we don't often stop to realize the "FULL" measure of the miracles that we experience each day. When we are told to stop and smell the roses- do we take 2 seconds to bend down and than think - wahoo I did it? or do we notice how beautifully formed, soft and velvety the rose really is.

Something You Remember.....

Here are the directions:
1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you know me a little or a lot, anything you remember!
2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses.

Well I was...

After an interesting evening of illness and than getting over that, I felt I understood why I had recovered so quickly. I had a couple of friends who needed me to help them out with some problems. So, after all that I went up to bed at 2am, thinking "it would be GREAT to sleep" - heh. Notice here I am at 4:30 writing in my blog.

Thoughts kept coming into my mind and I'd try to write them down, than as I would try to sleep I would feel sick again. Meh, so here I am. =] What was a GREAT conversation with a friend that I thought ended really well - now I am rethinking. Yeah, it was a YPP friend and we started out dealing with a problem on ypp than it turned out to be a more personal problem that we discussed and I thought resolved well. You know, I always thought as we got older we got less naive. Ha ha, that's naive of me. =] Taking advantage of the fact that I wasn't really paying attention while on YPP- remember I said I had 2 friends I was dealing with; the other was on text - I went back on before the blog to figure some things out. I need to remember that it's a stupid game but when that's how you've made good friends, it gets kinda hard to qualify it that way.

Lets just say, I'm really not tired now - cuz now I'm really, really torked.

Wow the difference a DAY makes

Everything changes in the world: the sea, the clouds, the leaves on the trees, our moods, and sad to say, even our friendships. It's interesting to me how one false word, movement, or feeling can ruin a wonderful thing. I knew friendships were fragile but I had hoped that after being nourished, that differences could be forgotten because of a deeper link. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

One minute a person is in your life, touching it for good or evil, leaving a footprint on your heart. The next day or minute, that person has vanished and you start to realize the little things that you now miss. The touch, the smell, the gesture, the thought, the laugh. How fleeting time really is in our lives, do we really treasure those around us enough that we tell them that? Do we REALLY understand that we could not just be gone tomorrow, but within the next hour or even minute; and so could any of numerous people that we love.

Part of our masks is to not show our feelings, our true, deeply held feelings that we for each other. Most of us are taught from young children, once we've embarrassed our parents, that we don't say those things. And so it is, we continue to not say "anything" for fear that we will offend someone, embarrass someone, or that we might get rejected.

How can you taste the bitter if you've never had the sweet? And how do you know what you've lost, if you've never opened your heart and let them in in the first place.

Friends

Yes, my last entry was a little strange for those that might not completely know me but typical of bouts if you are close. After 3 days of upped medication disasters, lol; no, its not better but I am trying to be.

I've always known that other people are a HUGE factor in contributing to depression. Mixed signals from friends can cause major lows; however, when you let them and they rally around you, I can only say, what a difference the day makes. I am one that firmly believes, always have, that people are placed in our lives for a reason. We are blessed when we understand that reason, even more so if that person is still around to show gratitude for. I have 33 nieces and nephews - ha ha, no wonder the too many right?- I love them all but just like with friends, you click with certain people and grow a little closer. My 3 lovelies, as I call them, none of whom I talk to on a regular basis - all either sent me a text or an email or a facebook on the same day last week. =D Just saying that they love me! Yep, I'm a sentimental boob but that was just COOL, and needed. The lord so answers your prayers through others.

Many of you are tired of hearing about my internet friends but in reality, they are the only friends I chat with on a daily basis. Therefore, they are a large part of my life at this time. Can I also say that for teenagers, wow, they can really shock me sometimes- =](in good ways). My two "adopted" boys Brandon and Tyler are teenagers, who on occasion, you forget are teenagers. Brandon's comment in-game once was if your his friend and you fall, he'll be there to pick you up and he lives up to his word - he's an amazing kid. Tyler likes to say he knows me and in fact, it's really eery as to how well he really does. Even though Ty doesn't believe in God, he's admitted that he can't deny there is a "recognition" of spirits between us. =] (he's learning) These boys have adopted me as well and with a 2 hr time difference, they will stay up with me when I've had a hard day - just to chat or help me get in a better mood. I have NEVER denied how truely blessed and watched over I am and I never will.

Just like my kids, friends bring a smile to your face if you let them. We simply have to stop denying them the blessing of why they know us and allow them to be there for us. I was so shocked and touched this week that I just had to share in closing my greatest comments received.....

Gris, you know, i think we need each other lol / Grisseh (10:27:53 PM):lol /Grisseh (10:27:59 PM):why you say that :-D / :well, you deal with me, and i (supposedly) help you with whatever problems u have... and you make this game more fun. Whatever i say / said when im mad, you deal with it and take me back, so thank YOU Grisseh - (this was Brandon I erased his AIM name for privacy)

And Tyler: what? but i WANT you around, stop taking those stupid (bleep)pills! watever is changeing you i HATE IT! nothing will ever turn me away even if i wanted to i couldnt you have been a huge part of my life and like family i can never stop caring about you.

Wow, isn't it amazing how teenagers can be, when you find "them" inside?

Okay, skip this one and move to the next....

cuz I'm just here pondering and trying to reconcile with myself after a lovely bout of depression. I will sure be happy when this dosage starts working again, I'm sure my family will be too.

For those that talk to me "indepth" you'll know that I talk alot about "masks" that we wear. Well, unfortunately, the mask I have been SO good at keeping up for 20 yrs has crumbled and keeps falling off in chunks. No matter how much glue or cement I apply, lol it keeps breaking off. Now some would say this is a good thing - heck isn't that what my BOOK is supposed to be about?!?! Yeah. Hard lesson to learn and apply is doing "myself" what I say and have others do. Part of the mask is being free with advice for anyone willing to listen - hopefully some of it every now and than is good :S -but inside shriveling and crying but not really listening to myself.

Was it really so bad having a military father who taught you to suck it up and move on? I don't think so, he helped make me who I am today and even with a crumbling mask, I would like to think that he'd be somewhat proud. I guess that's half the problem, why do we feel guilty for having emotions? Why do we hurt when our mask falls off and we realize that like everyone else we are human? God I miss my mom.
How hard is it to just let go? Give your grief and pain to the Lord and feel his peace and not feel GUILTY for doing so? Wow this world is messed up and right now, so am I.

Heh, the ramblings of a "recovering perfectionist".

Psh, I hate getting OLD

Bones creaking, muscles aching,harder to lose weight, and hey, I can even tell you when the pressure is dropping outside now =P, ewwwww. I can tell already that this coming winter isn't going to be fun, besides the fact I don't like being cold; however, cold is alot better than HOT since I can only take OFF so much. =P

The kids start school in 2 weeks - wow, I would say the summer has gone by fast but I believe that it is simply old age and my memory is failing. Anthony has returned from scout camp and will be starting 9th grade -9TH GRADE!!! In Nephi, that's HS! Good heavens. He will be ordained a Teacher the Sunday after his birthday on the 31st of August. He has his Life Scout and shocked me the other day by saying he wanted all 3 palms after his Eagle -niiiiiiice. Ben starts the 6th grade and this will be his final year in Elementary. He will be ordained a Deacon in November! Yes, I know he doesn't look it but we are hoping his growth spurt kicks in like Anthony's did here soon. Olivia will be starting 2nd grade. Olivia will be baptized the 2nd weekend of October due to General Conference. That means school year of 09-10 I will have a child in EACH SCHOOL, Elem- Jr- HS, yep I'm feeling REALLY old.

My book excerpt

Yep, here I am again at 1:45 in the morning- lol, why can't some inspiration come at 10am? LOL, whatever. As I am NOT sleeping, dealing with a stupid medication change that's making me feel like I'm not ON med's - ugh- I'm sitting here trying to reconcile with myself. So I figured, one of these days, I'll take these excerpts and get to really writing my book.=]

Why are we so afraid to be loved? I mean really loved? Are we that unlovable? Are we that imperfect that we feel no other "unperfect" person could accept us with all our flaws? Friendships are not the easiest manouvered relationship but it should be easier than marriage. However, if you are married to your best friend, than you should have it somewhat easier. But should I ask, even when you are married to your best friend or just have a really close friend, when do you stop sharing yourself with them and why? My therapist told me that unless you are honest with yourself and your spouse/friend, you cannot be completely intimate. In this case, the intimacy is that of love - you cannot be fully "accepting" of the unconditional love that someone tries to give you, or for that matter you try to give yourself. We all have things that we would SO like to erase or forget in our lives. However, those things are how we learned, they are what have made us who we are today - that person someone wants to love. Yes, if we accept their love we are open to pain and hurt - but hasn't the Lord said that if you don't know those things, you'll never know happiness or true joy? Now, what do we do to start making it happen?

Excerpts from The Last Lecture

I went looking for a book to read at the airport/on the plane on the way to Minneapolis. I really wanted the 2nd Fablehaven but they only had it in hardbound - pfft, so I kept looking. I kept being drawn to this book and I have to tell you - it's WONDERFUL. I will recommend this book to EVERYONE to read, it's funny, inspirational and just a great read. In fact, many of you might find yourselves with it for Christmas =].

Think about it. If you've seen the TV show, you know that Kirk was not the smartest guy on the ship. Mr Spock, his first officer, was the always-logical intellect on board. Dr McCoy had all the medical knowledge available to mankind in the 2260's. Scotty was chief engineer, who had the technical know-how to keep that ship running, even when it was under attack from aliens. So what was Kirk's skill set? Why did he get to climb on board the Enterprise and run it? The answer: There is this skill called "leadership". ......He was the distilled essence of the dynamic manager, a guy who knew how to delegate, had the passion to inspire, and looked GOOD in what he wore to work.

I Love it - you guys really should read this.

Right Now

Yeah, it's taken me awhile but I finally sorta have the blog back to what it was. Dean was bugging me about the blog sites since that's our way of keeping track of most of you - so it's almost complete now. I'm still missing some people but for the most part I think we're good.

We hope to see most of you at the family reunion on Saturday, in Bountiful. Mimi is in charge and Dean will be taking the pic's with our fun new camera - so come by and say hi please.

I've been having horrid shoulder problems that have radiated down my arm into my forearm, under my arm in my breast, and now into my shoulder blades. So, trying to be good, I've been excercising - OH -HEY - I'm up to 45 min a day and 1 1/2 miles! Wahoo for me - I'll catch up to the rest of you sometime =P. Anyhow, I've also been seeing my chiropractor and massage therapist. I had a 2 hr appt last month and she left 2 bruises =0, but I had a 1 hr today and she focused only on my upper back. I think my WHOLE UPPER BACK is a giant Bruise! I went upstairs and laid down with Dean while watching Jay Leno and it HURT to lay down! Freak! Ya, nothin like having it feel like someone is seperating your muscles from your bones -it's so INVIGORATING! =0 NOT. I can feel it tensing up again so I'd better down some more 303 (herbal muscle relaxant), put some Cryoderm on (like bengay but Smells BETTER!), and try to sleep. LOL, good luck on the last one.