Reflections

I realize as this year comes to a close tomorrow night, that it is and isn't a year I'd like to forget. Inheritance being given is just money, a blessing to paying bills but nothing that would make this year wonderful. The fact it means my mom is finally gone - everything that was hers, except for what I remember and kept. Good friends going seperate ways, yet still having feelings and concerns for them. Good friends almost dying - very close friends actually dying and all the heartache that seems to blur the whole year. We had good memories in trips to Minnesota for a friends wedding, Disneyland for Christmas. In truth, I really hate depression, I honestly can't remember much of what happened this year - pretty sad.

In gratitude I am grateful that Dean and I's jobs are secure. We have been informed that there will always be sick people and people that need to take care of them - we even still have a bonus program in place where I work. We have a roof over our heads, healthy children with good friends and teachers, food enough to eat and all the necessities we need. Life should be simple, love spread around, and heartache in short measures. *winks, remember, my therapist told me I shouldn't say should or if.

Many lessons learned this year, many still being faced by many of us. I had a question asked of me, "Do you ever pretend to be friends with someone or to like them?". Good question, and I'm sure all of us could answer yes. The heartbreak of this question? Being on the receiving end and realizing your life is a lie. I'm trying to learn this lesson, trying to learn how to be a better friend, as I have realized of late, that I'm actually NOT the type of friend I expect my friends to be. How than do those true friends still stick by me and how do I ever repay them? If it is to be, it is up to me...... just wish me felt like doing anything.

It's NOT that time of month... grrrr, wish it WAS an excuse

Have pretty much spent the day on my own today. Had a migraine from my neck so didn't go to church - not my sunday to teach thankfully so I pawned off the "babysitter" position to one of the mom's. Down time days I'm finding I need alot of these days, but they don't seem to last long enough. I don't know if it's all the death mixed with illness, mixed with the season and the fact that the world keeps moving faster and faster.

Someone help me figure out how to make things SIMPLE! Relationships - any and all - it should be so easy to say I Love You and receive it back, no guessing games, no head games, no assumptions or thinking that they KNOW I do, so it isn't said or shown. Why can't we just come out and comfort one another, why do we have to feel embarrassed or ashamed or afraid that we will be looked down on, rejected, or heaven forbid, show that we are human. These are battles and questions I run around in my head all day every day. I get to a point to where I'm good again, I know who I am, I dun care if people don't love me, I love them so be it. And than something happens, who knows what, and everything falls apart and it isn't so simple anymore. How do you have a tough outer shell that repels pain but remain soft and loving inside?

Ugh, sorry guys, I'm a mess tonight. Just found out my friend in Canada isn't responding to treatment and ICU is afraid that they will lose her, which means so do I. I have never "in person" met this woman but we have come to love and accept each other as only true friends can. Even though she wasn't sure she wanted to be my friend in the beginning - we were "pushed" together by a younger, smarter friend who has since passed and wanted us to watch over each other. I now treasure her decision and hope that the remaining Heather will remember that though her life has been hard and horrid, she has much to live for still and people who love her. I have also been updating other friends to her situation and have become very frustrated with one. I know he no longer includes me in his life but he does still talk with her - ugh he is making me SO angry by not responding (I don't know if he even has received my texts) that I sit here and think of all kinds of pretty names for him. >[ But Heather would tell me "what happens happens" and wouldn't expect a response from him - I guess I thought more highly of him - therefore, I'm the one let down.

So why am I so ticked off at this post-friend? I think its more beating myself up than anything. I found out that my best friends husbands funeral was Tuesday - I had no clue, I didn't get to go, get to show my support or anything! I was supposed to take dinner in to my neighbor last week for the passing of her mom - I still haven't done that. What the hell has happened to me? Why am I suddenly the worlds worst friend yet biggest critic? Yes, thought does count but after losing my mom - thought doesn't count when someone doesn't know they are thought of. Perhaps that's it.... after losing her, I swore I wouldn't let anyone else feel that - yet, here I am- the image of the people I felt hurt by 2 yrs ago- where's the line? How do you let someone know you care yet give them space - comfort them - better yet KNOW when they need comfort and not be the dollar short, day late upcomer.

It's not always perfect

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