My Mom ♥....

So its officially Mothers Day 2010. I've put off typing this for as long as I can, because I really want to type it...yeah, you'll understand. This morning started off earlier than normal for me - woke up around 10 am, went back to sleep, got up around noon. Hopefully my body will catch up with sleep before it sets me back to not sleeping until the next day again. About mid-afternoon it hit me...today's the 8th. I had slept past the worst memories of that day 4 yrs ago, the feelings are still there and if I think too hard, the images return also. Drugging myself up has only taken the edge off, yet I would never want to not miss my mom, so that's okay.

People are born at different times and stages of a mother's life. Therefore, the same children in a family will respectively know a different side of the same mother. Being the youngest of 8 children, born when my mom was 39 yrs old...I saw a different side than most of my brothers and sisters.

This is my mom..............
My mom was playful, funny, yet stern and commanded respect. I remember after running out of yardsticks to swat me with ( =/ erm, did I say I deserve my children? =P she had BROKEN all three on me cuz of my hands) she resorted to tiny tree sticks. Many of you today would say that is abuse - I say, no - I was that bad, stubborn and onery and deserved it....AND I finally learned my lesson. When it was time to play we had a ball, when it was time to study or be serious - you were expected to be so. People would ask me, who are you more afraid of...your mom or your dad? Always? My mom, yes Dad was ex-military but he was never home - MOM was!

I never knew the young actress she was in High School - but she helped me with my dramatic interps all through my HS...she was a great coach. She encouraged me in all my endeavors and paid for those they could afford....for me...that was alot. I took Dance for 10 yrs, Select Choir for 4 yrs with 2 uniforms, Academic Decathalon for 2 yrs with travel expenses, HS musicals with pick up times, Close-Up in Washington DC, and 2 Miss Teenage Pageants. I'm sure there is more I did, she was always busy. She made all my clothes until I graduated from HS - my first store bought "church" dress wasn't until I was a Senior. I think she was hurt by the look on my face but I hope she understood too - the something I had never had. I sure wish I had her talent. When I started elementary school she started working as a Teachers Aid/Playground Monitor so that she could be at the school with me. When we moved, the new school didn't use those, so she opened up her own fabric store...Terry's House of Fabric on Main St, Nephi, Ut. We were allowed to pick any pattern and any fabric for the clothes she would make us...and Denise would pick 3 patterns and have her make one thing - a little bit of each =].

She was a woman who was moved constantly with my Dad in the military. I learned from her how to fix many things and that you can get along just fine if your man is not home. She didn't know how to cook when she met my Dad and always hated cooking. Yet we had dinner at the dinner table every night - we never went out to eat. When she and Dad were first married they had no money. Once most were gone and only a few of us were left, my Dad had a good job and we lived very comfortably. I couldn't just go and buy what I wanted, but I could usually get away with adding things to the cart. =] My Mom LOVED shoes. When she passed, she owned over 200 pairs of shoes. Yes, she had worn them all. My Father had a special shoe closet made just for her shoes - most of which he had purchased for her and brought home. Mom and I would go shoe shopping and the motto was always...."Oh I LOVE this shoe...now lets go find fabric to match!" Poor Dean, when we got married I think I owned over 30 pair of shoes. ;)


My Mom wrote faithfully, each Sunday in her journal, letters to family and missionaries, and crossword puzzles. She loved fantasy books, but had promised my Dad that she would read 2 church books to every fantasy book - so she didn't get to read them very often. Like myself, my Mom had many 'friends' but no 'close friends' that you would call just spare of the moment...because of this, when I was about 16, I became her best friend. She was a woman who would forget your birthday, yet would send me a Valentines card each year, because no one else did. She was a woman who tried hard to do what was expected of her, giving everything she did her all....including all her church callings and teaching of lessons. I get my "Momma Bear"ness from her, the queen of don't touch or cross.... and I'm proud of it.

Most of all, she was a woman who wore many hats but always tried to keep sight of the one marked "me". She never acted her age, always dyed her hair, and for this everyone always thought she was 20 yrs younger than she really was. She was my rock, my go-to, my one person I could call when there was no one else in the world it seemed. Four years ago turned Eight Children's lives upside down....Mother's Day has a different meaning for me now - a bittersweet day each year. Yet tomorrow I will try to show up to Sacrament Mtg and listen to my Olivia sing to me with the Primary and Ben speak to the congregation on "Why he loves his Mother". My family understands and there will be tip-toeing as well as generosity this day.

I love you Mother...said little Kathee...the little girl, with the little curl in the middle of her forehead.

Bleh

Crashing early tonight...haven't felt good all day, really hoping I'm not getting sick. Ben spent spring break fighting Strep Throat with a Sinus Infection - he did not have fun- even though I was glad it was break and not in school, he's missed enough days already. Dean was supposed to talk to the Dr about maybe getting his tonsils removed = he didn't say anything when they came home so I think he forgot.

It's almost 11pm and if I can get to sleep that would be wonderful :). I've always been a night owl but this is ridiculous. I miss the sunshine, the beautiful days in spring that hit 60-70 degree's and wonder, will my wireless work outside? :) I would LOVE to work outside on a beautiful day - yeah no deck, patio or porch - but, I do have camping chairs. =]

I want to type, I want to write, but I just feel too icky right now.

Paix

Today in this week

Okay it says 1:13 am so for most rational people they would think that means that the "today" title means 4/11/10 but no - its not tomorrow until I go to bed and than wake up =].

So last night was interesting - early morning actually. I have been doing really well since General Conference. I didn't get to listen to all of it but I think I heard some of the talks that were immediately needed. I intend to go to www.mormonchannel.com and listen to the ones I missed. Before I go any further, I want to make it clear - this blog is probably too depressing for some, might be seen as a pity me blog; however, this blog is actually just a release for me. Somewhere to type down what's going on in my head and day to day life. If my family impacts that, or friends, than they will be mentioned. This is I guess you could say a "healing blog". When I talk or in this case, write down for the whole world to see (outloud), it makes it easier for me to look at things more logically and less emotionally - therefore, assessing my needs and allowing myself to be healed. =]

As I was saying: I was doing really well this week after listening to General Conference, a little confession, and these wellness chips that my girlfriend has given me to "guinea pig" for a company. If you want to know more about them I'm happy to tell you or send you to their website - for me, I can tell a difference.
Thinking I was doing so well, I've had energy, I haven't been depressed, I haven't had any meltdowns - I attribute part of this to Spring Break and no alarm clocks waking me up after only 2 hrs sleep >/ -and than last night, I melted.

A couple of people have said two things: 1- Your friends that you feel like you've known forever and are closest to are your soul-"mates" (yes as in Australian terms ;) ) and the one you marry or are meant to be with is your "soul-twin". and 2- You always hurt the ones you love.

That being said, Dean and the kids had gone to bed and as always, like now, here I sit just me, my computer and any online friend that happens to still be awake me no matter the time zone. I honestly don't know what kicked it off but one of my soul-mates was on and I know exactly how to push his buttons - and vice versa. And so I did- push his buttons, got what I wanted - someone grumpy and unhappy as I was but it only made things worse. Misery does not love company that turns on the silent treatment =P. Even a little later we ended up pillying on our game together with a mutual friend and I couldn't help wonder - was I invited along just cuz the mutual friend was hanging out with me and I happened to be on? The entire pilly - so about 2 hrs - he ignored my comments, responded to nothing - spoke in generalities only to the "boat" - grrr - and than told me to "hush you" when I explained to our jobber that he wasn't the only tired one on the boat or in his time zone. Yes, hush you is his way of telling me to shut up. Shut up is more harsh so I was still meriting some respect but in the mood I was in - it pushed me over. He wanted the guy to stay and help them get to port - a good crew everyone stays to help get to port - so I logged off deliberately. Susi was onboard for the end of the pilly and said that nothing was said - so in my assumptions it either wasn't noticed until divide booty time or just ticked him off more (silently) cuz like me, it really pisses you off when jobbers just up and leave you.

So I pitied me - nursed my bruised ego that hello "I" had caused and went to bed. Only to lay there and cry. Now when I say cry I don't mean heaving sobs - I mean I've gotten really good at laying in bed next to my snoring husband- biting my lip and just letting the tears fall. There was a time after mom died that I couldn't cry. So I guess I should be grateful when I cry these days, its a form of release and everybody needs one. After my 10 min tear fest, I came back downstairs to sit on the recliner and try to relax - get away from the snoring. Around 5 I did that little jerk thing =] when you've found yourself falling asleep and went up to bed.

I had dreaded going to the bridal shower that I had arranged and was in charge of. Not because of the people, the idea or anything but because my body wanted to crash, my brain had already started it the night before. Do you realize how much energy it takes to "force" anything? This past year, my reflexologist has helped me realize and pay attention to how much energy I expend on anything. We all have a limited amount of energy per day. Problems, stress, troubles take up most of it - activity - any activity, take up some more - and than SLEEP requires and takes energy also. So point in short - its 1:39 am I got roughly 4.5 hrs of sleep last night and I'm thankfully starting to feel tired. Forcing myself out of bed, to the shower, and at first to look and act happy - to help out - freak that took a lot of energy. Thankfully mid way through I wasn't acting anymore, I did have a good time but I could also feel the strain it had caused. I started crashing in the middle of the shower >.<...not good. But I have wonderful sisters and even though I planned the shower - I put Mimi in charge of food, it's Susi's soon to be daughter in law so she decorated and Dany sent the invites out, poor sick Kelli let us use her home (thank you bro Steve =]), and Reba helped her clean before and cleaned up after. All made the desserts - had too many leftover =] and it really, REALLY should not have been a stress at all. I used to eat this kind of thing for a snack and have my days so jam packed and now it's ridiculous that on some days it takes everything out of me to just go to the stupid grocery store.

The shower was wonderful =]. It was so good to see Missy and Kim - I never get to see you guys, maybe once a year or so - which is dumb you both live 20 min away >.>. Congrats Kim & Jason on expecting in Sept =]. It's always fun to see my sister in law Judy, too bad she couldn't stay longer, but thanks for making the effort and the yummy, yummy marshmellow brownies =D. Amy (Amelia =P) and Emily are always so good to support family stuff when they can - especially Amy- thank you. It was good to see you Em- its been awhile. We missed those of you who are far away, those that worked graveyard (Mikey I would rather still have you around than have you drive with limited sleep =]) and those that just couldn't make it. We thought of you and definately noticed you were missing.

Lin and David came up to have a date night with us. We ate at McCool's Pub, new find, and the food is FABULOUS! My "shoe leather" steak was sooooo tender - mmmmmm. Than since Dave is a chef and I knew Lin would just like it, we watched Julie & Julia - a fun, relaxing evening. I'm sorry Bran that I took it out on you the other night and other nights besides that. You always hurt those closest to you and I'm working on it - I promise I am - thanks for still sticking around.