A Good Day

Yeah I hear you - if it was a good day, why are you writing this at 12:07 am and not in bed? =P shup. So I got an amazing birthday gift this year. I received a 30 min session with my massage therapist and a 30 min session with my reflexologist - plus a little extra to buy some electrolyte stuff and a new essential oil. Thanks to all my wonderful siblings who still remember me each year, even on years that I remember you but am unable to show it. =(

I have friends who don't believe in my reflexology visits yet they are glad that they are helping me. However, they think that I'm just paying someone to do something I could do myself. Honestly, I used to do it myself - I've survived from age 15 to than 36, being able to fix myself or atleast repair the damage and continue. Than at 36 it all caught up to me...I couldn't help myself anymore, I couldn't fix me and it was the hardest thing I've ever done...I asked for help. Humility is a scary thing, to admit that we aren't perfect, that we might need someone else to lean on, someone to talk to, someone to encourage us, or someone just to understand. I did learn a few good things from my psychologist that I saw for 3 months but she didn't really help me. The LNP who was using me as a guinea pig for over a year using different prescription drugs and than mixes of them - finally just left me with a combo that atleast helped me through the day. I wasn't fixed but I was crudely mended and sent back out to figure the rest out for myself. To my friends I say this....sometimes you need someone to tell you what to do. Sometimes you are so lost that you really can't see the road before you, its blurred, maybe has scary drops and turns that you aren't sure how to navigate.

My reflexologist said something today that I think changed my whole thought process about everything. Yes, after 4 yrs I'm still damaged, not as much as I was thank heavens, but now its me empowering myself. Using the tools, the knowledge and a thought process that will enable me to do what the good Lord intended - heal myself with his help. Many of my friends don't believe in God either - they believe in a greater being but don't see how a loving God could let there be so much hurt and pain in the world. At times it is easy to see their point, yet I see a bigger picture. If we didn't suffer we wouldn't appreciate NOT suffering or be able to teach another how wonderful they have it because they don't. We all have free agency which unfortunately means you can crush my world at any whim you have and so could someone to you. Even though we don't understand why you had to infringe on my world and damage it, there could be something unseen or years down the road that will end up helping us or someone else. The sun really does come up the next day and the day after that...this life isn't about just surviving but enduring all the pain, heartache, sadness and good and love that we see and feel.

I was given an emotional release today - lol she really didn't do anything but let me talk, gave me some homeopathics that I would not have thought of on my own and something to repeat to myself. I've done the positive psychology for a long time and today it clicked. She told me to tell myself, "I am safe, I am loved, I have everything I need to take care of myself". I looked her in the eye and laughed and said, "but I know I'm lying to myself - how does that work?" These two wonderful words..... "even though". You've heard the phrase 'fake it til you make it'? Same thing...its more powerful than we know. Our minds are more powerful than anyone knows. We have the power through our minds, through the belief coupled in our minds and hearts to heal ourselves and many other miraculous things. I will say these things to myself and eventually they will be true. For right now, the chaos in my life is seeping into my family's - my relationships are starting to change to what I think about myself. I can't let that happen. If my thoughts have created this hell that I am currently living in and experiencing - a thought from someone or something that I'm not worth it, life is hopeless - whatever. THAN, my thoughts can turn it around and I can create a world that I want to live in and I can improve my relationships instead of tear them down.

"EVEN THOUGH right now its hard, it WILL be better. I WILL be safe and loved and secure".

Here and Gone...

Olivia couldn't sleep last night, growing pains in her legs and feet; therefore, when I went to bed at 2:30am I did not get to sleep the rest of the night. This morning when I was awaiting to go to sleep and all the kids were heading out the door to school my mind started running with things I wanted to say. Needless to say, they are now gone which means I will either remember later or they were emotional outbursts which means that its prolly better that I don't remember. ;]

Memorial Day 2010

I found this hat amongst my dad's things (that my mom had refused to distribute) upon my mom's death. No one in my family has ever worn these hats but me and my dad - Dean and my kids wear them also so I gladly took the hats and added to my hord. When I was 13 I went to Girls Camp with the Young Women in my ward. They told my mom to give them something I would miss and think I'd just misplaced so they could present it to me at camp - lol - she gave them one of my dad's hats that I constantly wore. I simply thought my dad reclaimed it and took another.




The proof in the pudding...AHHH attack of the orange hair!! Ha ha ha ha ha - that was when my mother decided she missed my blonde hair (it has grown darker every year since puberty) and tried to change it back - erm...OOPS =P.

Anyways, Memorial Day.... my father had never planted a garden or grown anything until he met my mother. She taught him - and than she regretted it as did ALL of us children...he he. My father had one of the biggest green thumbs I've ever seen and unfortunately I have not inherited that. My mom said that after she taught him and he planted his first garden he would go check on the plants before even coming inside and saying hello - made her very grumpy, lol.
Therefore, growing up we always had animals and gardens and flowers. Not quite so extensively as when we moved to Nephi. My dad built a large greenhouse to the side of the house and we had flower beds INSIDE along the brick wall that spanned the property, along the sidewalks up to the house, from the front of the house around to the greenhouse, and roses and poppies all along the fence chainlink that seperated us from the empty lot (went along the driveway). He took excellent care of them and the lawn - needless to say, I LOVED that yard. Hated working in it but it was the absolute best place to lay out on the grass. The house was 100 yrs old so it had these HUGE tree's that surrounded the property - they made for great leaf piles in the fall >]. I know I always say I hated growing up in Nephi - but I never said that there weren't some good things about it =]. To continue...lol...Memorial Day for me each year meant PLANTING and weeding. My grandma was the only one deceased at the time and my dad was very private about visiting her grave. His fallen comrades I'm sure he kept in his heart as we had moved so many times, there were none anywhere around us. Therefore, every Memorial Day we took the plants OUT of the greenhouse and planted them in all those flower beds and every Labor Day we dug them up and put them back in the greenhouse. >.< Thankfully my mom and dad took care of the greenhouse - I only had to water or fertilize every now and than. My mom loved plants as well and they were hanging all over the living room and family room. So, to any of my pirate friends that have seen my multiple houses, you now know the reason of all the green in my homes. I unfortunately cannot keep anything alive except a Christmas Cactus and that green plant that grows and grows and would take over your house if you let it (not awake enough to name it ;]).

My tiny little 1300 sq ft home sits on .25 acre so I have a really decent sized back yard that the weeds and my dog love >.<. My dad died 6 months after we moved in...I had high hopes for his green thumb and jack of all trades abilities with my new little purchase. Alas, my hubby isn't a jack of all trades and even if he were - he doesn't have the time, he's rarely home as it is. However, I now have two strong teenage boys that will be doing ALOT of yard remodeling this summer =D..WAHOO. (well not for them >]) Maybe I should start stocking up on the natural muscle relaxants now. :D

I spent my day weeding....I figured I'd disgraced my parents and neighbors enough and since I couldn't get my kids out there (they don't weed like me anyways) I slapped on my hat, gloves, mp3 player, wand and headed to my front yard for 3 hrs. I only got 1 flower bed done >.< to ="]">.< lol, I figure I honored them the best I could. Arthritic achy fingers and a popped blister in the center of my palm later.....Happy Memorial Day Mom and Dad...I love you.