Free Agency... not always what its cracked up to be... for me

So I've been angry the past several days... angry at the world, angry at people, mostly angry at me. Being a recovering perfectionist it's my fault - its always my fault, I should have been able to prevent it or whatever. Yeah, drives poor Dean nuts.

Anyways, I've been beratting myself over "friends" or lack thereof. I never realized what a "scary" person I was. I've always considered myself to be a people person and very friendly unless you get on my badside - than I might scare you =D. I remember my mom and Mimi even saying that when they would go to Relief Society they would sit by themselves. When they went and sat by someone - it was just as good as sitting by yourseld - there just wasn't an empty chair. Eyah - been there, doing that - living that. My mom was very friendly also - so, is it just the look on our face? the air around us? what is it that makes people stay away, even if they know us?

I have had several internet friends over the past 2 yrs - almost 3 yrs now. Since I had my gallbladder taken out and Olivia has been going to school fulltime - I pretty much have no one to chat with - (Dean calls =] unless he's training) so I've been making friends on my game, chatting with them on Msngr. These are all great people, they have problems, yeah who doesn't? If you read my blog you know I'm spotless right? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. ahem, ok.... I have always seemed to have the ability to get people to tell me things - things they maybe wouldn't admit and are amazed they admit to me - amazes me too honestly. I can't believe people trust me that soon without really knowing me........but I am grateful, it feels good to know that people trust you, and I would never want to betray that. It's when it gets betrayed on the other side, that I start head banging and bashing and blame myself. I'm always told when they leave, break off our friendship, whatever...... you've helped me alot, thank you ...... it really has nothing to do with you... BS! Sorry, but if you are leaving a relationship with ME, it has to do with ME - it affects ME. One of my favorite quotes is: We cannot live for ourselves, a thousand tiny fibers connect us with our fellow men. How absolutely, amazingly true. If I'm pissy, my family is pissy, any friends that come over are pissy, anyone I pass on the road becomes pissy - I just don't keep it to myself. That would be really, really nice if that were possible - but it isn't.

I'm feeling better tonight - don't really know why but maybe its because I have come to this conclusion.......... When people say it has nothing to do with me..they are simply saying I'm scared, you've gotten too close. That's fine, it hurts but you have your free agency to say back off, I like you but don't want you near me. That's the crappy part of free agency that we all get to live with I guess, sucks but yeah whatever.

Size-eight-itess

Yep my feet are size 8 and I just shoved my foot into it again. Why do we do that? Why do we unthinkingly say things to people and THAN realize - oh that probably just hurt your feelings! UGH. You would think by now with the moods I'm in constantly and the way I hate ppl saying stuff like that to me - that I would have learned... but no - HEAVENS NO.

Something so simple as a heresay comment, a questioning of integrity and gee - would I be upset? Um... YEAH, it would hurt that someone thought that of me - so why would I think that it wouldn't hurt someone to hear it? One of my best buds has returned to my life after 6 months of agonizing silence. We agreed to not judge each other, to accept each other and not throw any fits - lol - I know that sounds funny. It's almost like it used to be - chatting when there is time, sharing bits and pieces of lives and playing games together online. For my little world that consists of a dungeon office - lol - I really enjoy our visits, jokes and time. Sooooooooooooo what did I do? Well, I didn't break our agreement but I told him about something that someone said - told him it made me sad. It's not the first time its come up so I'm sure he's tired of hearing about it, being questioned - literally. I actually said it more to substantiate my feelings - my trust and that I don't like that others don't feel the same way, know him as I do. But it didn't turn out that way...... once again there is silence, there is hurt, and I am too far away to make it better. Words are what caused it and words aren't seeming to make it any better.

When your on the other side of a computer screen, you can't see a face, an expression, a person really. Words can come out completely out of text - no matter if you know that person intimately or not. There are only assumptions and most often the assumption is of your own making - simply because there is only a computer there. A cold computer who can't see your face, your tears, your anger, your worry, or your pain. It can't put its arms around you and say it will be alright, hold your hand, or give you a kiss. Computers are wonders of technology and a link to a world and people that we wouldn't know exsisted, if they didn't. A world with new friends and wonderful opportunities to share and receive positive exchange.

Words
Unthinking words are harming, unfeeling, and unkind;
not only to the listener, but to others in the line.

Just as a word can heal, soften, and recall;
it can also turn your world around, just one word, that's all.

So think before you speak, please listen closely to yourself.
Is it really worth the anguish, for you or someone else.

kz 3/16/09

Yeah it's been awhile....

So I really did want to post on my mom's birthday on March 1st but lately I can't think of anything to blog about. >.< My world has been so caught up in a couple of others and than figuring out that the all natural pills I was taking to help curb my hunger were actually detoxing me and taking my depression meds outta my body - >.< - erm yeah, its been interesting. I think I'm mainly wanting to post cuz a stinker pot buddy of mine sent me a really graphic vid of decaptiation. All I can say is EWW and WHY would people post something like that? Oh this world is getting disgusting. So I'm hoping to get my mind on other things - wish me luck.

I have a couple of friends that are having "friendship" angsts, as in not really understanding a couple of their friends or the relationship, so I guess I'll post about that. I am self declared the worlds worst friend. I'm always curious and want to know everything, I listen and give advice, but in my eyes, I'm not there for my friends when they really need me.(see previous posts for examples) I also think I am "too much" of a friend and tend to grate on people so I like to give them "breaks" from me - this confuses some people. One of my newest friends said the other day, "you don't give yourself enough credit". BINGO! and I never have - thus my adventure into learning to love myself - will I EVER give myself enough credit? Does anyone? We could soooooooo go into a big thing about that but that's not the topic here =]. HOW are we friends? WHEN are we friends? and WHY does it change?

I've never really understood the whole thing of "becoming friends". There are people I meet that I suddenly just "click" with if you will. Neither one of us has to work at it or purposefully say- I want to be THEIR friend -it just happens. I notice that with those friends, they are the ones that STAY or come back. They are friends that you can go forever not talking to and than one day catch up and feel like you've never not talked. I'm fortunate to have a few of those in my life. I'm gonna mainly just do some really good friend quotes that I've found and if your having relationship difficulties maybe you can ponder on them and figure out what's up for yourself.

"People change, whether deliberate or chemically induced. Just because you change doesn't mean I don't like you."

"True friendship isn't being inseperable; its being seperated and nothing changes."

"A friend is one who knows, and loves us anyway."

Sometimes people change without rhyme or reason or explaination. I think a true friend needs to understand that and patiently wait. If things change drastically, it might not be so easy to wait and friendship - bound or not - may leave us. It is at these times where we face the questions - did I do something? did I miss something? Unfortunately what we have to realize is that it takes TWO to be friends, both working from both sides. We needn't blame ourselves for someone else's actions, mistakes, or problems - but be there to share them with them when they are ready to acknowledge them and move forward. Just make sure you don't stand on the track too long that a friend while leaving, runs you down along the way.