Why is it hard? and why do you have to feel stupid?

Yes, I know its probably my depression that makes me ask those questions, that makes me feel this way but since I can't help it at the moment - sure why not.

yeah..I don't even want to finish this

So what's YOUR day like?

So Dean was thinking that having the kids back in school would somehow get "me" back on a regular schedule too...yeah so much for wishful thinking. If this were something I could control, than yeah - that would be awesome. I would be up at 7 to see Anthony out the door and wake Ben up - hop on the treadmill until 7:40 and wish Ben goodbye..get Olivia up, jump in the shower - see her out the door, grab breakfast and start work - work until 3 - if there are no interruptions that's my 6 hrs and I'm done for the day as I run to do carpool =]...afternoon to help kids with homework, run them around, do appts, errands, have dinner done and spend the evening with my family or playing on the computer if most of them aren't home.

Well...that is what my life 3 yrs ago we decided SHOULD be and COULD be and than someone else - NOT ME- decided HA HA HA YOU WISH. So instead its 3:50 am I'm gonna try to head to bed in 10 min...my alarm will ring at 7:05 and I'll tell Anthony goodbye and make sure Ben is in the shower, push snooze until 7:25 when I tell Ben goodbye and hit snooze until 8 when I Olivia outta bed. Stagger (literally, some mornings its kinda scary >/) into the bathroom around 8:15 to do her hair, make sure she has everything tell her goodbye - lock the door, set the alarm, set alarm clock for about 1:00 and CRASH. 1..crap I just laid down didn't I? hit snooze for about 30 min and than drag myself outta bed to shower and eat something before running carpool.... by this time I've had maybe 5 - 5 1/2 hrs of sleep...that would be great if I weren't a person that needs 8.=[... do carpool -run kids around - crap didn't take anything out for dinner, try to get them to do chores - still trying to wake up - figure out something for dinner, see about homework getting done and oh yeah - I work..hmm...guess that'll wait for late night....and here I am again 3:55 am.

Life was supposed to be easier as they got older but you know... hate to say it to those that have little ones and are hoping...IT DOESN'T. It just gets more expensive and more hectic cuz they have more friends, more homework, more classes outside of school, more activities church and school related and yeah you wondered why the lady in front of you has a bumper sticker on her car that says "Mom's Taxi"? I don't. I don't dread Anthony getting his license next year - dang I wish it were THIS YEAR..that would help me TONS. But yeah, one more year and than he gets to run carpool- wahoo! He promised..he's not backing out now. =P

Ok everyone faint now...2 days in a row...

Yes, I am trying to get back to normal, thanks to all of you who still love me even when I don't act like the me you know =].

I'm hoping that within the next month I can be off my prescriptions and on some herbal remedies that will help me stop the self-loathing, self-denial, self-pity, and overall just unhappiness felt inside and out. It is all generated from me and within me - some blame my pills which can't be right cuz I feel they don't completely work- some blame my lack of doing what I know I should - blame, blame, blame...blaming doesn't do anyone any good and neither does judging. Right now, this is me and as Alisha said in her blog - I am climbing my mountain. A mountain I never saw, never dreamed I'd ever climb but honestly one of the biggest, scariest ones I've ever faced. Over the past few years I've gotten a little higher than either fallen off the next cliff or loosen my grip and gone flying into the side.

I know I'm still on the mountain and I know I'll make it to the top. I have too many people that rely on me, better yet I have those few who love me and love me unconditionally and see me as my Father see's me - who I really am, not who I see or who the world has me looking at - for that I am grateful.