Today in this week

Okay it says 1:13 am so for most rational people they would think that means that the "today" title means 4/11/10 but no - its not tomorrow until I go to bed and than wake up =].

So last night was interesting - early morning actually. I have been doing really well since General Conference. I didn't get to listen to all of it but I think I heard some of the talks that were immediately needed. I intend to go to www.mormonchannel.com and listen to the ones I missed. Before I go any further, I want to make it clear - this blog is probably too depressing for some, might be seen as a pity me blog; however, this blog is actually just a release for me. Somewhere to type down what's going on in my head and day to day life. If my family impacts that, or friends, than they will be mentioned. This is I guess you could say a "healing blog". When I talk or in this case, write down for the whole world to see (outloud), it makes it easier for me to look at things more logically and less emotionally - therefore, assessing my needs and allowing myself to be healed. =]

As I was saying: I was doing really well this week after listening to General Conference, a little confession, and these wellness chips that my girlfriend has given me to "guinea pig" for a company. If you want to know more about them I'm happy to tell you or send you to their website - for me, I can tell a difference.
Thinking I was doing so well, I've had energy, I haven't been depressed, I haven't had any meltdowns - I attribute part of this to Spring Break and no alarm clocks waking me up after only 2 hrs sleep >/ -and than last night, I melted.

A couple of people have said two things: 1- Your friends that you feel like you've known forever and are closest to are your soul-"mates" (yes as in Australian terms ;) ) and the one you marry or are meant to be with is your "soul-twin". and 2- You always hurt the ones you love.

That being said, Dean and the kids had gone to bed and as always, like now, here I sit just me, my computer and any online friend that happens to still be awake me no matter the time zone. I honestly don't know what kicked it off but one of my soul-mates was on and I know exactly how to push his buttons - and vice versa. And so I did- push his buttons, got what I wanted - someone grumpy and unhappy as I was but it only made things worse. Misery does not love company that turns on the silent treatment =P. Even a little later we ended up pillying on our game together with a mutual friend and I couldn't help wonder - was I invited along just cuz the mutual friend was hanging out with me and I happened to be on? The entire pilly - so about 2 hrs - he ignored my comments, responded to nothing - spoke in generalities only to the "boat" - grrr - and than told me to "hush you" when I explained to our jobber that he wasn't the only tired one on the boat or in his time zone. Yes, hush you is his way of telling me to shut up. Shut up is more harsh so I was still meriting some respect but in the mood I was in - it pushed me over. He wanted the guy to stay and help them get to port - a good crew everyone stays to help get to port - so I logged off deliberately. Susi was onboard for the end of the pilly and said that nothing was said - so in my assumptions it either wasn't noticed until divide booty time or just ticked him off more (silently) cuz like me, it really pisses you off when jobbers just up and leave you.

So I pitied me - nursed my bruised ego that hello "I" had caused and went to bed. Only to lay there and cry. Now when I say cry I don't mean heaving sobs - I mean I've gotten really good at laying in bed next to my snoring husband- biting my lip and just letting the tears fall. There was a time after mom died that I couldn't cry. So I guess I should be grateful when I cry these days, its a form of release and everybody needs one. After my 10 min tear fest, I came back downstairs to sit on the recliner and try to relax - get away from the snoring. Around 5 I did that little jerk thing =] when you've found yourself falling asleep and went up to bed.

I had dreaded going to the bridal shower that I had arranged and was in charge of. Not because of the people, the idea or anything but because my body wanted to crash, my brain had already started it the night before. Do you realize how much energy it takes to "force" anything? This past year, my reflexologist has helped me realize and pay attention to how much energy I expend on anything. We all have a limited amount of energy per day. Problems, stress, troubles take up most of it - activity - any activity, take up some more - and than SLEEP requires and takes energy also. So point in short - its 1:39 am I got roughly 4.5 hrs of sleep last night and I'm thankfully starting to feel tired. Forcing myself out of bed, to the shower, and at first to look and act happy - to help out - freak that took a lot of energy. Thankfully mid way through I wasn't acting anymore, I did have a good time but I could also feel the strain it had caused. I started crashing in the middle of the shower >.<...not good. But I have wonderful sisters and even though I planned the shower - I put Mimi in charge of food, it's Susi's soon to be daughter in law so she decorated and Dany sent the invites out, poor sick Kelli let us use her home (thank you bro Steve =]), and Reba helped her clean before and cleaned up after. All made the desserts - had too many leftover =] and it really, REALLY should not have been a stress at all. I used to eat this kind of thing for a snack and have my days so jam packed and now it's ridiculous that on some days it takes everything out of me to just go to the stupid grocery store.

The shower was wonderful =]. It was so good to see Missy and Kim - I never get to see you guys, maybe once a year or so - which is dumb you both live 20 min away >.>. Congrats Kim & Jason on expecting in Sept =]. It's always fun to see my sister in law Judy, too bad she couldn't stay longer, but thanks for making the effort and the yummy, yummy marshmellow brownies =D. Amy (Amelia =P) and Emily are always so good to support family stuff when they can - especially Amy- thank you. It was good to see you Em- its been awhile. We missed those of you who are far away, those that worked graveyard (Mikey I would rather still have you around than have you drive with limited sleep =]) and those that just couldn't make it. We thought of you and definately noticed you were missing.

Lin and David came up to have a date night with us. We ate at McCool's Pub, new find, and the food is FABULOUS! My "shoe leather" steak was sooooo tender - mmmmmm. Than since Dave is a chef and I knew Lin would just like it, we watched Julie & Julia - a fun, relaxing evening. I'm sorry Bran that I took it out on you the other night and other nights besides that. You always hurt those closest to you and I'm working on it - I promise I am - thanks for still sticking around.

Hmm

So I'm reading this new book - the Four Agreements, its a native American belief book. Interestingly enough, my philosophy of saying that everyone and especially me is wearing a "mask"? It is IN THIS BOOK~! Wow, nice to have a confirmation to something :).

Dean is changing from Cable to nothing but the HD and land TV. Therefore, my email is changing once again...since he keeps doing this I'm going to stick with a generic email - I only have like 4 or 5 - pfft. Please change your main email for me to kzgris@gmail.com and the family email to ztroop@ymail.com yes Y not G - yahoo is stupid.

Not sure if I'll be blogging again...I was very excited about his book and was reading it in the tube while soaking in an essential oil "Balance". Yeah well its just as bad as getting inspiration while in bed - its gone the minute you get up or out. =P I also burned the last strands of three online bridges today. My chest and heart hurt. I know part of it is my bronchitis but most of it is not, I have learned that much from seeing my zoner. This book tells me to not take what other people do personally - I hope it tells me how - I can understand their side and why something is done, but just as when someone dies - I am feeling the grief and loss of three very close spiritual friends. Guess I need to do more reading.

Interesting...this past month

Besides relatives finding really old scary pic's of me - lol Amy =P.. It has been a very interesting month. Full of ups and HUGE hit rock bottom downs and thankfully full of a couple of really good people that thankfully listen to the Lord and answer his call.

For those of you that remember my online friends, Tyler came back within this past month. Yeah, the kids from Florida. I never, ever, expected to hear from him again, in fact I had totally written him out of my life and cut him out of my heart. Pretty hard to do when you are spiritually connected to someone - whether they believe in the spirit or not. I was just chatting with my massage therapist, Kimberly, who recommended my zoner. We were chatting about friends, boomerangs, spiritual friends that you connect with, and the one your meant to be with. Kimberly is awesome, a funny, short - SHORT LDS dynamo so if anyone knows of a good man out there in his 30's - tell me so I can set her up =]. Anyways, she said she read a book that described those friends that you feel like you've known forever - those friends that you had in heaven and have found here again on earth- this author called those your "soul mates". Mate as in friend not lover. He called your sweetheart, companion - your "soul twin" because they are the other half of you. I really, REALLY like that - cuz its so true. I married my soul twin and often joke with him about how ppl must look at us and wonder how he ended up with me cuz he is the better half. =] well, in my eyes atleast, I definately won a prize when he decided on me, I don't know if I'll ever understand why but I'm grateful. I also have 3 really great soul mate friends - one that I found and have been "boomeranging" with for heavens - 27 yrs?!?! - he just boomeranged right back in again - nice how the Lord knows what you need and when. For those of you that are concerned - don't be - I've always had guy friends, not female friends - I'm too much for some soft women I guess ;] and yes my honey knows all about and everything that I know about my friends. The other two I just met 3 yrs ago - my online boys that I feel almost like more of a mom to.

I'm learning that life is what we make it - lol I've always known that, but I guess I'm saying - what we "accept" that we've made it. We will always have regrets but you can't live by them, you can't live with "what if's" or "supposes" either. Somewhere along the line, we or someone for us - made the choice. We are who we are today because of those choices - whether we wish something in our life was different or not - we can't wish to be someone different, or it wouldn't be what you wanted anyway.