Mother's Day

Today was nice and quiet but I've been soooo tired, wish I felt better. Dean bought me an arrangement of different colored roses yesterday and we went to dinner at MacCool's. An Irish Public House in Utah flavor - lol so not as riotous or filled with smoke. The kids loved it, their first time there. I received cards from the kids and a card and book I'd requested from Dean. =] "The Remarkable Soul of a Woman" by Pres Uchtdorf.

Anthony and I watched some Welcome Back, Kotter episodes ;)...Dean and the kids watched some Fraggle Rock and Peanuts episodes while I napped. Turkey breast sandwiches and Cheesecake for dinner =] yummmm oh and of course Diet Coke. ;) The boys leave for scouting Jamorall this weekend up at Golden Spike Fairgrounds overnight and Olivia has her first "non-cousin" friend sleepover for a birthday party. =0 YES, Dean and I have Friday evening to ourselves! =0 lol, hopefully I will have work done and be feeling better so that we can do something fun =D.

I love the show Undercover Boss. I thinks its great that either things change for the better or the boss figures out what a complete jerk they are - either way, its great for the minions to finally be heard and seen. Lol, speaking as a minion for many, many years. ;) However, one of the things that the boss said today hit me. I hadn't thought of it that way and I need to remember it. Dan McCann (I think), COO/President of 1-800-Flowers - his father died after a 3rd surgery for cancer. He said that he had talked to his dad before the 3rd operation and his dad didn't want to do it - but instead of looking back and saying he is responsible for his father's death because he talked him into the surgery, he looks back with pride saying that his father fought to the end and never gave up.

That is one of the "guilts" I have carried for 4 yrs. My mom didn't want to have another back surgery but she was in constant pain, grouchy because of it, and uncomfortable no matter what she did. My kids didn't remember grandma happy or laughing - it broke my heart, both for them and for her. She would say that she wasn't ready to go, she wanted to be around for her grandkids - but I had to remind her, what good was she when she wasn't doing what she wanted with her grandkids and was always grumpy with them. Yeah, I hope I didn't sound that harsh but those were roughly my comments. She was trying to decide whether or not to have surgery - I put in my two cents. I know its egotistical to think that my "say" had anything to do with her decision - she was a full grown woman of 72 with 8 kids, 35 grandkids, and 13 great grandchildren - I don't think just "one" voice was heard. However, after someone is gone - you can't but help think back on things you said, didn't say or didn't do. From now on I will do my best to think instead that my mom fought with her all to still be here for me and my kids - she didn't give up on trying to become again the grandma that she wanted to be or them to see. I will add this to my list of positive memories and try to make her proud of me by being the mom she raised me to be. ♥

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My Mom ♥....

So its officially Mothers Day 2010. I've put off typing this for as long as I can, because I really want to type it...yeah, you'll understand. This morning started off earlier than normal for me - woke up around 10 am, went back to sleep, got up around noon. Hopefully my body will catch up with sleep before it sets me back to not sleeping until the next day again. About mid-afternoon it hit me...today's the 8th. I had slept past the worst memories of that day 4 yrs ago, the feelings are still there and if I think too hard, the images return also. Drugging myself up has only taken the edge off, yet I would never want to not miss my mom, so that's okay.

People are born at different times and stages of a mother's life. Therefore, the same children in a family will respectively know a different side of the same mother. Being the youngest of 8 children, born when my mom was 39 yrs old...I saw a different side than most of my brothers and sisters.

This is my mom..............
My mom was playful, funny, yet stern and commanded respect. I remember after running out of yardsticks to swat me with ( =/ erm, did I say I deserve my children? =P she had BROKEN all three on me cuz of my hands) she resorted to tiny tree sticks. Many of you today would say that is abuse - I say, no - I was that bad, stubborn and onery and deserved it....AND I finally learned my lesson. When it was time to play we had a ball, when it was time to study or be serious - you were expected to be so. People would ask me, who are you more afraid of...your mom or your dad? Always? My mom, yes Dad was ex-military but he was never home - MOM was!

I never knew the young actress she was in High School - but she helped me with my dramatic interps all through my HS...she was a great coach. She encouraged me in all my endeavors and paid for those they could afford....for me...that was alot. I took Dance for 10 yrs, Select Choir for 4 yrs with 2 uniforms, Academic Decathalon for 2 yrs with travel expenses, HS musicals with pick up times, Close-Up in Washington DC, and 2 Miss Teenage Pageants. I'm sure there is more I did, she was always busy. She made all my clothes until I graduated from HS - my first store bought "church" dress wasn't until I was a Senior. I think she was hurt by the look on my face but I hope she understood too - the something I had never had. I sure wish I had her talent. When I started elementary school she started working as a Teachers Aid/Playground Monitor so that she could be at the school with me. When we moved, the new school didn't use those, so she opened up her own fabric store...Terry's House of Fabric on Main St, Nephi, Ut. We were allowed to pick any pattern and any fabric for the clothes she would make us...and Denise would pick 3 patterns and have her make one thing - a little bit of each =].

She was a woman who was moved constantly with my Dad in the military. I learned from her how to fix many things and that you can get along just fine if your man is not home. She didn't know how to cook when she met my Dad and always hated cooking. Yet we had dinner at the dinner table every night - we never went out to eat. When she and Dad were first married they had no money. Once most were gone and only a few of us were left, my Dad had a good job and we lived very comfortably. I couldn't just go and buy what I wanted, but I could usually get away with adding things to the cart. =] My Mom LOVED shoes. When she passed, she owned over 200 pairs of shoes. Yes, she had worn them all. My Father had a special shoe closet made just for her shoes - most of which he had purchased for her and brought home. Mom and I would go shoe shopping and the motto was always...."Oh I LOVE this shoe...now lets go find fabric to match!" Poor Dean, when we got married I think I owned over 30 pair of shoes. ;)


My Mom wrote faithfully, each Sunday in her journal, letters to family and missionaries, and crossword puzzles. She loved fantasy books, but had promised my Dad that she would read 2 church books to every fantasy book - so she didn't get to read them very often. Like myself, my Mom had many 'friends' but no 'close friends' that you would call just spare of the moment...because of this, when I was about 16, I became her best friend. She was a woman who would forget your birthday, yet would send me a Valentines card each year, because no one else did. She was a woman who tried hard to do what was expected of her, giving everything she did her all....including all her church callings and teaching of lessons. I get my "Momma Bear"ness from her, the queen of don't touch or cross.... and I'm proud of it.

Most of all, she was a woman who wore many hats but always tried to keep sight of the one marked "me". She never acted her age, always dyed her hair, and for this everyone always thought she was 20 yrs younger than she really was. She was my rock, my go-to, my one person I could call when there was no one else in the world it seemed. Four years ago turned Eight Children's lives upside down....Mother's Day has a different meaning for me now - a bittersweet day each year. Yet tomorrow I will try to show up to Sacrament Mtg and listen to my Olivia sing to me with the Primary and Ben speak to the congregation on "Why he loves his Mother". My family understands and there will be tip-toeing as well as generosity this day.

I love you Mother...said little Kathee...the little girl, with the little curl in the middle of her forehead.