Third Weekend in May

So an interesting week this past one. I knew I couldn't get out of my Uncle Doug's funeral, has nothing to do with anyone else but myself. I couldn't face going to his wife's and facing my cousins or my cousin's and facing her family with kids the same age as mine. Some things my PTSD will let me handle, others it will not. Thankfully and gratefully I did really well on Wednesday, I didn't even emotionally crash that night or the next day. So proud :).

Friday I went into Bountiful to get many, many, MANY papers signed or dated that had not been so but needed to be per payroll regulation by the government. I was going to be so imposing but not let on who I was LOL and it worked right up until I knocked over the fake flowers behind me just as the manager walked in the door. Woot for first impressions. =P I wasn't going to let the Manager know that I'm related to some of the owners or employee's there (yes, I work for my family again) but when my nephew started asking me questions about my son from across the room - lol, well cover blown. Should it matter that I'm related? No it shouldn't. I worked for my brothers right out of high school from 18 to 26 and I can tell you that nepotism isn't all it's cracked up to be. I vowed I would not work for my brothers again and I don't - I work for my sister, with my other sister, doing my brothers company payroll. I just like being known for me...my work...my mistakes or brownie points...using the "family" card to me is only good when they weld more power and someone is being a donkey's butt.

Saturday we headed over to our neighbor's farm that he has moved back into and set about getting our garden started. His parents have 4 acres and it's a beautiful place. It was so nice to just be "like out in the country" but still in the city. My horoscope the other day said something about me preferring the city but needing the country and the fresh air for my peace of mind. I do believe I agree with it. Now I just have to lose some of my belly fat so that I can bend over and not squish my diaphragm so much that I can't breathe. =P That gets old pretty fast and kicks in my asthma - ugh, it SUCKS having an body that's aging.

Mother's Day 2011

As it just so happened, Mother's day fell on the exact day that my mom died 5 yrs ago. Five years ago we buried her the day before mother's day. I always loved Mother's Day when I was a kid, loved doing things for my mom and making her things. When I became a mom, I looked forward to it also. However, I had a few children that proceeded to inform me that they were other people's children, not mine...totally throw tantrums on that day just so that it wasn't a pleasant one. Yeah well...it's life, my hubby bless his heart has always tried to make it a special day for me. A friend said something to me yesterday that made me stop and think. She didn't know I had PTSD from being with my mom the day she died - I don't normally go around broadcasting it. She simply knew I wasn't a fan of Mother's Day because my mom died and asked me to remember my mom and all the good things - not that she is dead.

May has slammed me more than any other time except when I was heavy PTSD and seriously could barely drive down the road. Memories of that day are always there, haunting me, nagging at me, trying to make me anxious or stressed. But wow, what clarity of memories has swamped me just in the past 8 days. I don't want to go into them, it is all recorded in my journal and I thought that helped me years ago.

I was woken up this morning by a text from my son on fb, "Happy Mothers day mom! Your one of the coolest moms out there! Thanks for everything! :) Love you!". If that isn't something wonderful to wake up to...glad he finally wants to be my kid after all :). Than my husband posted, so another text. My head was screaming at me (does that when I have a sinus infection)so I just laid there. Someone took my Relief Society lesson for me, Dean and the kids headed off to church. I took a nice warm bath with my new bath salts from Olivia and tried to let my IBU kick in. After a quick shower after I received another text from a girlfriend saying she'd see me in 10 min. CHOCOLATES! Not just any chocolates, but her own handmade, dipped chocolates - ooooh nummy! I collected my hugs, chocolates and gave her the goodies I had planned to drop off at her house. I considered going to the cemetary - it was raining and I honestly don't feel like my mom is there. So I took the orchid corsage I bought her, set it next to my computer and wrote her a poem. (On my facebook notes) Dean had said I could do whatever I wanted today, so I did the dishes. ROFL...it was bugging me and it felt good. I also made a strawberry truffle for dessert (Dean made dinner :) )and just finally felt at peace.

I hope any Mother's, Mother's to be, Sisters or Aunts had a wonderful Mother's day. You all have had a great influence on my children and I love you.

Paix

I'm just......hmm

Lots of things are going on these days, most of it though it affects my life, does not indirectly effect my life. Here a loverly rundown for you... 1. Lost my best online friend - the guy that I've told things to that I'm not sure Dean even knows about. Not sure why he's gone but I'm sure I did something to freak him out again, aka he disappears for over a month, comes back only to game talk or "like" something on my fb..ie: NOT being a FRIEND, so I deleted him from my fb. Which sucks. He no longer texts me, I haven't had his cell # in over 4 mo (I deleted it, he ignored me for it back but he has mine), he doesn't game in the same online games anymore and he always hides on MSN. IE I just totally messed myself because I know him and know that "deleting" him from fb is the worst insult you could give him - even if he ISN'T speaking to you there and there is the only place he would. Ugh...I know it was the right thing to do but I freaking miss him...the real him, not the one who's been hanging around the past 6 mo. :( 2. My son's best friend is gay. Yes, SHE is and he has known about it longer than anyone else on the planet. I am amazed at him, he tries so hard and puts up with so much - kind of like his mom in some respects, which I don't consider a good trait. He loves her, he is willing to accept her as she is; however, her parents are now getting divorced and that leaves him - the only decent trustworthy male figure in her life. I wish as a parent you could help in certain parts of your kids life, but,...you can't. 3. Said parents divorcing above, the mother is one of my best friends from High School. We lost touch when I graduated and she got married but interstingly enough - found each other again after 20 yrs. Lol, funnier? Found out that within the past 15 yrs have always lived within 3 mi of each other and never knew it. :) She's an amazing woman whom I look up to, who has taught herself much, gone through tons, and is now hurting immeasurably and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Ugh. 4. Lost a neighbor? I put a question mark because the house did not sell and we still chat and will be helping out at his parents "farm/acreage" this summer but he no longer lives next door. Yes, I am attached to neighbors - call me weird. You have to understand my cul-de-sac....there are 9 houses in it. It was built in the early 70's and out of the 9 - 4 had the houses built for them and have lived here for over 30+ yrs. The rest of us have been here, 17, 13, 10 and the neighbor that just left had been in that house the longest in 30 yrs - 6 yrs. I fully believe he would still be there if he hadn't lost his job last yr - he is renting it and therefore it is allowing him to keep it. I know, I'm weird - it isn't like I go and have neighborly chit chat's with my neighbors every day or even every week. But...you get familiar, you can easily notice differences if something is wrong - you get what I'm saying right? The new people are very nice, he picked well for us but their dog isn't Poochie's friend Tessa and their suburban isn't a brown truck....it's still just...weird. 5. Ben and School. Heaven help me I don't know what I'm going to do with this child. He has 5 F's. Mostly because the teachers are saying that he isn't turning anything in...than when he DOES turn something in - one teacher LOST an entire packet (witnesses saw it turned in and graded - everything!) and another teacher charged him with plagerism and gave him a fat 0 out of 600 pts and a U. >.< seriously?!?! I don't want to deal with this crap anymore. I don't understand why my children can't DO their work and get it turned IN. I've bribed, I've grounded and I DO NOT want to be my parents and scare my kids into being good students. However, I WAS....ugh, I just hate this. 6. Anthony will be in summer school making up F's in Chemistry and Math. >.< enough said. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, they ARE good kids - I just don't understand them and their lackadazical attitude towards school. It's not like I haven't taught them from the beginning about responsibility and still try to pound it in their head, it's not like there isn't a work ethic being shown or taught to them in our home. This summer we are going back to basics and planting a garden. We all as a family are required to work in it atleast 1 hr a day - everyday except Sundays. However, there will be 4 to 5 of us each time working so we may only have to do every other day. My kids have pets and they have to be reminded to feed and take care of THOSE poor things - it just makes my heart sad. WHY...why why why why WHY, if they can touch it, they can't take care of it in this day and age? Just so rubs me the WRONG WAY!