We’ve stopped for lunch and gas in Mountain Home….the normal half way mark for us. I keep telling myself that I can’t have a problem until after the funeral on Wednesday. Mentally I am listening to myself; however, physically my body is not. One of the things I hate about PTSD, you cannot control what your body is deciding or doing – it just does it. On a lighter note, I have figured out my song. Grandma wanted Hymn 108, The Lord is my Shepherd and for some reason I’ve been having a hard time memorizing the 3rd verse and it doesn’t feel like it fits to me. I brought the Hymnal with me and have been practicing while Anthony has been driving and it finally dawned on me. I will be mixing Hymn 108 with Hymn 98, I need thee Every Hour. The verses will go as such:
The Lord is my Shepherd, no want shall I know; I feed in green pastures, no want shall I know, He leadeth my soul where the still waters flow, Restores me when wandering, redeems when oppressed; Restores me when wandering, redeems when oppressed. I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord, no tender voice like thine, can peace afford. I need thee every hour, most holy one, oh make me mine thine indeed, thou blessed son. I need thee, oh, I need thee. Every hour I need thee! Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to thee. Thru the valley and shadow of death though I stray, since thou art my Guardian, no evil I fear. They rod shall defend me, thy staff be my stay. No harm can befall with my Comforter near, No harm can befall with my Comforter near. I need thee every hour….the Lord is my Shepherd….my comforter near.
Maybe spending another day in Oregon will be a good thing in case I crash after the funeral. This is beginning to feel like my mom’s funeral – I was fine for little while.
2011/06/22
2011/06/18
The Wait is over.....
Dean texted me at 3 pm today to tell me that Grandma had passed away. I've been with my sister all day and the kids due to her son's birthday party. Now, sitting at home with Dean on the phone/computer making travel plans, confirming funeral details with his parents it's starting to get real. I have to be able to handle this funeral - I just may be overly doped up to do it. Dean's grandma accepted me as her granddaughter in full force when I married Dean. I felt more love from that woman, only compared to my own parents. No, sorry, I don't feel it from my in-laws - not the siblings or the parents but that's okay. Grandma was 5 yrs older than my dad and when they met at our wedding they hit it off and were instantly friends. Same generation, same guidelines growing up, you name it. It was always fun when grandma would come visit to see her and my dad or her and my mom sitting over in a corner having a conversation and laughing. Like my dad, grandma didn't laugh often. I have heard over the past 20 yrs that she had a hard childhood, followed by a harder adult life - sounds alot like my mom's mother...getting married to get out of the frying pan only to end up in the fire. Grandma outlasted her parents, two husbands, and a boyfriend. I'm not sure what her reunion is like but I know she will love seeing her boyfriend- the one who saved her life 4 yrs ago again. According to family she was stubborn, slightly OCD, and very persnickety. Okay yeah so - aren't we all in some ways? Grandma never showed those sides to me, of course we didn't live right in the next town either.
My memories of Eledice....may she rest in peace and love. Grandma used to play hide and seek with my boys when she was in her 70's. Grandma would sit at the dinner table with us and laugh at me trying to teach two boy toddlers table manners. Grandma would always make her homemade chocolate chip cookies to send home with us each time we came to visit. She always had her camera, her kisses, and her arms ready. I remember she used to drink potassium each day. Each year until the final 2 yrs each member of our little family would receive a card for each holiday and birthdays, on Christmas the kids would receive chocolate advent calendars. When Grandma got ready to move out of her apt that she'd had for over 30 yrs she started divvying up her items. It was my honor to receive her one Christmas book to add to my collection, "A Cup of Christmas Tea". For the first couple of years after she sent it to me I would call on Christmas Eve and read her her story. I will miss you grandma, more than you know. Love you.
My memories of Eledice....may she rest in peace and love. Grandma used to play hide and seek with my boys when she was in her 70's. Grandma would sit at the dinner table with us and laugh at me trying to teach two boy toddlers table manners. Grandma would always make her homemade chocolate chip cookies to send home with us each time we came to visit. She always had her camera, her kisses, and her arms ready. I remember she used to drink potassium each day. Each year until the final 2 yrs each member of our little family would receive a card for each holiday and birthdays, on Christmas the kids would receive chocolate advent calendars. When Grandma got ready to move out of her apt that she'd had for over 30 yrs she started divvying up her items. It was my honor to receive her one Christmas book to add to my collection, "A Cup of Christmas Tea". For the first couple of years after she sent it to me I would call on Christmas Eve and read her her story. I will miss you grandma, more than you know. Love you.
2011/06/17
Do do do...♫
We are preparing for Grandma's funeral. She has not gone yet but we are pretty sure that she will go sometime this weekend, she keeps crying out to go home. :[ She can't swallow and won't eat, but today she was told that her son Corry (Dean's dad), who had knee replacement surgery a few days ago, was home from the hospital and doing well. We are hoping that will give her the peace and release she needs. Therefore, I can no longer put off trying to regain my voice and sing.
Let me now state that I actually broke down and went to the Dr today. My wheezing was not from my allergies but from a sinus/ear infection - yay joy joy....AND of course my systemic Candidias. So I have 2 antibiotics, my Dr is treating the Candidias for a month instead of the normal 1 to 2 weeks, yeah it's that bad =P. He also have me an antibiotic that would feed the yeast the least and I have that one twice a day for 2 weeks - yeehaw. What finally got me to the Dr? Well, it was obvious my yeast was worse and than when I almost passed out last night and threw up -it kind of decided it for me. Yeah, I'm that stubborn. :] But I got out the Hymn book tonight, did some warm-ups, which include a couple of my opera songs and I could actually sing! I sit in church or in the car and try to sing but I barely have enough air to sing a line or hit the high notes....it's very aggrevating, yet that didn't happen tonight, I am looking at this as a blessing. Dean is getting things secured at work since he is in charge of a project that starts this upcoming week and this week is not payroll for me. However, death is never convenient and we will go to her when we need to.
Let me now state that I actually broke down and went to the Dr today. My wheezing was not from my allergies but from a sinus/ear infection - yay joy joy....AND of course my systemic Candidias. So I have 2 antibiotics, my Dr is treating the Candidias for a month instead of the normal 1 to 2 weeks, yeah it's that bad =P. He also have me an antibiotic that would feed the yeast the least and I have that one twice a day for 2 weeks - yeehaw. What finally got me to the Dr? Well, it was obvious my yeast was worse and than when I almost passed out last night and threw up -it kind of decided it for me. Yeah, I'm that stubborn. :] But I got out the Hymn book tonight, did some warm-ups, which include a couple of my opera songs and I could actually sing! I sit in church or in the car and try to sing but I barely have enough air to sing a line or hit the high notes....it's very aggrevating, yet that didn't happen tonight, I am looking at this as a blessing. Dean is getting things secured at work since he is in charge of a project that starts this upcoming week and this week is not payroll for me. However, death is never convenient and we will go to her when we need to.
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