Every day after I have one like yesterday, I stop and think. If the funk is gone and the depression lifted do I still feel the way I did? It's interesting, think about it. Depression takes feelings that we already have and (according to some friends) is like adding alcohol. Your feelings are more intense, more angry, more sad, more disillusioned. I usually try to hold those days in, I try not to post here or on facebook, for than I scare a few wonderful people in my life and I don't like doing that. Obviously, there are days that are more severe than others and I end up posting. In case it happens again, please note, my systemic candidias carries its own form of depression. I am currently trying to detox from my Candidias but I am concerned that it is detoxing my WHOLE body and therefore taking my depression meds out of my system. Yay me! Yay you - well, not so much yay you unless you can put with a weird or onery or very depressing post every now and than. Hopefully you will just understand, maybe ask if that's still what's happening and go on with your life. :]
So my comment.......it leads to my saying that I have been repeating to myself regularly these days. "Is it really YOU I miss or is it the memory, the thought, or the feeling?" I really have to wonder that. It's great to look back at people and remember the good times but I think it illogical to not remember the bad. There had to be a reason for the bad or for the fight - all that didn't just magically disappear. My parents didn't become perfect just because they died. I know and I lived my memories of them; however, I think in the case of death or removal that we want to cling to the good things. We want to remember them in a positive way so that we have justification for grieving. Do we need justification to grieve? NO. Hello. Than why do we make ourselves justify our actions? Accept what is going on, why it is going on and don't try to put it in a perfect little box on a perfect little shelf in the corner of our life. No one's life is perfect, if yours is, sorry, but you're lieing to yourself and everyone else. I don't believe that life is supposed to be perfect, I believe it is supposed to be filled with heartache, joy, sadness, grief, difficulty and STRENGTH. I wouldn't know how to be strong if my life wasn't the way it was, my life has made me who I am, whether for good or bad - which I guess kind of depends on the day these days. =P
I won't deny that I have emotional attachments to my friends. I love them. Male and female, old and young. Some I gather into my fold and adopt directly into my life, others I hold at arms length. Those I let in usually get to see the real me. My mother and Deano are the only ones that have ever met the real me. So it is a priceless gift I give if I let down my barriers and remove my mask. I think that's what made my best friend leaving so difficult. I had let down my barriers and he was beginning to. No one has seen the real him, it's guarded more heavily than my heart. So here it is...of clear mind and no sinking gut feelings today....what I miss is a friend. Someone to make stupid jokes with that makes them squirt coke out their nose cuz they can't believe I of all people would say that. Someone to play my games with and just knowing that if I needed advice about my kids or husband, someone was there. What I don't miss? Being totally blindsided by rage when I miscalculated his mood or did something I thought he'd like which he didn't. Being talked about with other friends that I don't consider friends anymore. Never knowing what mood he was in and because it was internet, not being able to judge for myself....I was often wrong - see above. Do any of these things make him a bad person? Heavens no but is he an angel? HA HA HA...he'd spit coke and fall out of his chair at that notion. No, he was simply my friend, someone to talk to at 1am when we were both sleep deprived, giggly (yes men get giggly) and wondering why the heck we couldn't sleep. I ruined it, I know it and now after freakin 6 months I need to get over my stupidity and get on with my life and let the poor man do the same. I am no angel - HA HA HA HA HA...ahem, I sometime OVER admit when I am wrong and I take others guilt upon myself for which really, really annoys certain people. :] I still hold out HOPE, today the sun is shining and you never know what the future will bring; however, today I am also smart enough to know that it won't be tomorrow, or maybe next year or it may be never. Yet whenever it is or isn't, that's okay. I'm grateful for the friend I had, the fun times we shared and the fact that I got to know someone better than most. I am blessed.
