My thoughts are all jumbled up and its hard to know where to start. Some song in my earphone pops thoughts into my head to start discussing and than someone makes a comment or chats on facebook and that totally starts a different line! Wow, never pray for inspiration - maybe moderation in inspiration would be a little more specific and helpful! Lol.
Yes, I laughed and I have tears in my eyes - tears of joy and happiness. Is my life fixed? Is it better? Am I perfect? Are my children? My husband? No, YES, HELL NO, no and no. For six to seven years I have looked at people's inspirational comments and some hurt because I knew I could not process and go there at that time and that's okay. For everything a time and a reason and a purpose. I will never be perfect, I have faults - A LOT - but I also have good in me and I've let the world, the negativity, the grief, and the faults of others crush me for too long.
When I was 17 my parents allowed and paid for me to go to Washington D.C. with a small group from my High School to attend a week long tour and teaching experience with the group Close Up. It changed me. I was growing up in small town America where everyone knew your business and if they didn't they made it up. If you lived your religion and had standards you were made fun of and shunned. Just fact - shotgun weddings were more attended and celebrated than regular ones. In my group of friends some of the group were jealous of each other and due to families that had lived there forever, some opinions were valued higher than others. All that changed in Washington D.C. Close Up was kids from Puerto Rico, Chicago, New York, Utah, and a several other states I can't think of at this moment. :) We all split up into groups and the fact that kids that didn't know me treated me better than those I had spent the last 9 yrs growing up with totally opened my eyes. They didn't know backgrounds, they didn't know details, they saw attitudes, personalities, and judged on actions of the people they saw during meetings and events. Needless to say, when the group I was with tried to treat me the same as at home, before we left, they got blasted. I'd had enough, I'd been treated right, my opinion valued and requested and I wasn't just a groupie or add-on.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to share what happened to me yesterday yet. But I can say that there is nothing greater than the Saviors unconditional love and the forgiveness you allow yourself to feel - about yourself. Part of the light I used to feel and hopefully radiate, I can feel starting to burst through again. I can't fully express how wonderful it feels to be happy again.
2013/05/09
2013/03/01
Having a Missionary in the field....
Those that know me, being relatives or online acquaintances, know that my son left in January to enter the Missionary Training Center in Provo, UT and than flew into New York Utica, on Feb 12th. He is currently serving in Syracuse South, New York.
Blessings are interesting things. They aren't always what you would recognize as a blessing. I'm still trying to figure out a couple of them and how they could be. I know it just a "mormon" thing to think that when you are in the service of the Lord Jesus Christ that you are blessed. Scripture is full of examples and I think people like to focus on only the good that they read and don't notice the other parts about how you will be tried MORE for following and doing what you should. I would gladly settle for a happy medium in this instance.
I'm not a sugar coater, if you are reading my blog for the first time you find that I am very direct about what goes on. Life is not sugar coated for the majority of us; for those that it is - hmm, can I have some of what you're on?!? 'Cuz they really haven't found the pill to give me that makes it a "happy pill". I don't think they ever really can; I believe that recovery and happiness relies on medication, action, and therapy. They are in process of re-adjusting my NEW medication and I haven't been able to afford my reflexology therapy in months. Anyway, I digress and am swerving off subject.
I've noticed that blessings from service are sort of like backwards compliments. You're still allowed to be tried; however, something happens in the middle that makes it less of a trial and therefore it has become a blessing. For example: did taxes in the middle of last month. Our income ran short last year and we did not make our typical 10% donations as we would. That amount has saved us every year when it came to taxes and increased our amount that we received back - State and Federal. Unfortunately, because we did not have the money to make our charitable donations, we did not get any money back or nowhere near the money back that we normally would from taxes - like less than 1/4 compared to usual. For the last 2 yrs now we have owed the State money - this year at the beginning we thought we would owe 4x the amount that we were getting back from Federal. Yep, I lost it - how do you find a blessing in that?!?! Well, I found a mistake, fixed it, had my CPA girlfriend come and check it and she found another one. We ended up getting 2/3 more back in Federal than we owed to the State - now THERE is the blessing. I would rather my blessing be something like, I'm getting fabulous returns from both State and Federal and I could pay off a bill with it or at least go somewhere for my anniversary - yeah this blessing we haven't seen in about 3 yrs. hence, I will take getting back more in Federal and being able to PAY the State with it.
I also heard - where are those buzzing little bee's with all this information, so I can SQUISH them!- that when your child leaves on a mission for the church, that they than start to appreciate you. Hmm, yep, still waiting for that to show itself. He seemed to appreciate me more while he was home - before he left. Now all I get are letters discussing how much he misses his girlfriend, how he can't think about the things I've done or mentioned in my letters because that is not where his focus needs to be and he doesn't want the spirit to leave. Seriously?!?! *head bang* I'm trying to do what the Bishop told me and support my son, support him as only his mother can - yeah well, doesn't seem like he wants it. Honestly, this part is worse to me than having trials where blessings are supposed to be. =[ ... It's about rating up there for when he was 10 yrs old and used to tell me on Mother's Day that he was someone else's child. *face palm*
Pretty much, my blogged is aptly named, my world isn't perfect but it's blessed. We still have a roof over our heads, food on the table to eat, jobs, and loving people to help pay the support for my son's mission each month. Paix
Blessings are interesting things. They aren't always what you would recognize as a blessing. I'm still trying to figure out a couple of them and how they could be. I know it just a "mormon" thing to think that when you are in the service of the Lord Jesus Christ that you are blessed. Scripture is full of examples and I think people like to focus on only the good that they read and don't notice the other parts about how you will be tried MORE for following and doing what you should. I would gladly settle for a happy medium in this instance.
I'm not a sugar coater, if you are reading my blog for the first time you find that I am very direct about what goes on. Life is not sugar coated for the majority of us; for those that it is - hmm, can I have some of what you're on?!? 'Cuz they really haven't found the pill to give me that makes it a "happy pill". I don't think they ever really can; I believe that recovery and happiness relies on medication, action, and therapy. They are in process of re-adjusting my NEW medication and I haven't been able to afford my reflexology therapy in months. Anyway, I digress and am swerving off subject.
I've noticed that blessings from service are sort of like backwards compliments. You're still allowed to be tried; however, something happens in the middle that makes it less of a trial and therefore it has become a blessing. For example: did taxes in the middle of last month. Our income ran short last year and we did not make our typical 10% donations as we would. That amount has saved us every year when it came to taxes and increased our amount that we received back - State and Federal. Unfortunately, because we did not have the money to make our charitable donations, we did not get any money back or nowhere near the money back that we normally would from taxes - like less than 1/4 compared to usual. For the last 2 yrs now we have owed the State money - this year at the beginning we thought we would owe 4x the amount that we were getting back from Federal. Yep, I lost it - how do you find a blessing in that?!?! Well, I found a mistake, fixed it, had my CPA girlfriend come and check it and she found another one. We ended up getting 2/3 more back in Federal than we owed to the State - now THERE is the blessing. I would rather my blessing be something like, I'm getting fabulous returns from both State and Federal and I could pay off a bill with it or at least go somewhere for my anniversary - yeah this blessing we haven't seen in about 3 yrs. hence, I will take getting back more in Federal and being able to PAY the State with it.
I also heard - where are those buzzing little bee's with all this information, so I can SQUISH them!- that when your child leaves on a mission for the church, that they than start to appreciate you. Hmm, yep, still waiting for that to show itself. He seemed to appreciate me more while he was home - before he left. Now all I get are letters discussing how much he misses his girlfriend, how he can't think about the things I've done or mentioned in my letters because that is not where his focus needs to be and he doesn't want the spirit to leave. Seriously?!?! *head bang* I'm trying to do what the Bishop told me and support my son, support him as only his mother can - yeah well, doesn't seem like he wants it. Honestly, this part is worse to me than having trials where blessings are supposed to be. =[ ... It's about rating up there for when he was 10 yrs old and used to tell me on Mother's Day that he was someone else's child. *face palm*
Pretty much, my blogged is aptly named, my world isn't perfect but it's blessed. We still have a roof over our heads, food on the table to eat, jobs, and loving people to help pay the support for my son's mission each month. Paix
2013/02/04
BOOK GIVEAWAY - WAHOO!!!!!!
Indies Giveaway
We have a gallery of signed paperbacks, ebooks, and swag arranged, and there will be one winner for each category. Check out the prizes, and make sure to check out the authors who were kind enough to donate them!
Prize Package 1 - PAPERBACK LOVE:
Natural Selection (YA Urban Fantasy) – Elizabeth Sharp
Becoming (YA Fantasy) – Raine Thomas
Enlightened - Devyn Dawson
Alaina Downs (NA) – Rebecca Rynecki
Don't Fear the Reaper – Michelle Muto
Beyond the Western Sun & Walk the Red Road (YA Fantasy) - Kristina Circelli
Twisted (YA Romance) – Amity Hope
Wilde's Fire (YA Fantasy) – Krystal Wade
Slow Dance in Purgatory - Amy Sutorius Harmon
The Gathering Darkness (YA Paranormal) - Lisa Collicutt
Sweet Oblivion (YA Fantasy/Romance) - Bailey Ardisone
The Keeper (YA PNR) - Natalie Star-Kroll
Wolf Spell – MR POLISH
Troll Or Derby – Red Tash
Rematch (YA fantasy/romance) - Janine M. Caldwell
Flight - Alyssa Rose
Here – Ella James
Prize Package 2 - EBOOK LOVE:
Twisted (YA Romance) – Amity Hope
Mother-Earth Series & Knot in Time (YA Adventure Fantasy & SciFi) – Alan Tucker
Devour (YA/NA Paranormal Romance) – Andrea Heltsley
Trust in Me (NA) – Bethany Lopez
Travelers Series (YA Sci-Fi) – Claudia Lefeve
Awaken, Avenge, & Atone – Sarah Ross
Doc, Vampire-Hunting Dog Novella (YA) – Julie Campbell
Barely Alive series (Upper YA Zombie Romance) – Bonnie Paulson
Sweet Oblivion (YA Fantasy/Romance) - Bailey Ardisone
Into the Spiral (YA SciFi/Romance) – Erin Danzer
EVER (YA Paranormal/Romance) – Jessa Russo
Quest & Wildflower (YA Fantasy & YA Historical Romance) – Amy Jones
The Only Exception (NA – eARC!) – Magan Vernon
Morgan Wylie's Debut (YA urban fantasy) – Morgan Wylie
Light of the Moon (YA PNR) - David James Knapp
Dark Seeker and Dark Return (Books 1 & 2 in the Seeker series YA UF) – Taryn Browning
Marked & Changed (YA PNR) - Jennifer Snyder
Zellie Wells Trilogy & Day of Sacrifice (YA PNR & NA UF) - Stacey Wallace Benefiel
Cloud Prophet Trilogy & The Swarm Trilogy (YA High Fantasy) - Megg Jensen
Elemental Emnity II, III, & IV - Christie Rich
Prize Package 3 - SWAG LOVE:
You may receive pens, posters, cards, stickers, bookmarks, etc. A lot of this will be signed!
Raine Thomas
Devyn Dawson
Rebecca Rynecki
Andrea Heltsley
Krystal Wade
Stacey Wallace Benefiel
Megg Jensen
(NA) Bethany Lopez
Lisa Collicutt
Bonnie Paulson
Bailey Ardisone
Jessa Russo
Amy Jones
Natalie Star-Kroll
Taryn Browning
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)