So I was good, I've been sick all week and spent MOST of my time in bed >.<, but no, not sleeping. Pretty hard to sleep when your own wheezing keeps you awake - gah, its worse than someone snoring! And I can sleep with that >.<. So after I start coughing stuff up today, made my Dr appt for later this morning, I was good and went upstairs at 10:30 pm to go to sleep. I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to crash. Pfft. Than my mind starting going 30 mph, I wrote a poem in my journal, than that wasn't enough, I had to come down and blog and facebook - I think I was supposed to email but nah- I'm not feeling that anymore.
Anywho, I FINALLY received a confession tonight that was kinda hard to hear but at the same time not. Lemme explain. A very good online friend and I went our seperate ways 6 months ago. It seriously about killed me, I'd grown very, very attached to this person - even considering him family. The thing that I finally figured out that hurt so much - WASN'T that we parted but that he'd been asking for months to let him help me (with my depression) and than when I needed him and was willing to let him - he left. This is one of my "strange" relationships that I literally "know" this person - maybe not the person you see on the street - but his soul and what he can become. Interestly enough, he knows me back. Interesting because he doesn't understand "why" he's attached to me or "how" he knows me, and since he doesn't believe in God or spirituality - it's a little hard for me to explain - cuz he won't understand or accept it. So we have a mutual friend that is going through some rough spots right now. He was discussing with me his point of view - and I admit, it was rather harsh. However, it allowed me to ask a question that he's been avoiding for 6 months - is that what happened to us - and the answer was yes. Now the harsh thing is, he believes that he only needs his family and his girlfriend in this life to make him happy. If you upset him or blame him for things he doesn't feel he's done - he just "sheds" you and you are gone. He doesn't like "feeling" - and I mean "feeling". Here was my kicker ....... imagine..... I make him feel. 0.0 LOL, ok so I'M smart enough to know that its the Spirit of Christ he's feeling when he talks to me - but he isn't and so when I upset him by speaking the truth 6 months ago - it hurt. So he shed me, or so he thought. I would recieve a one sentence email once a month with a question that now I'm sure- him knowing how I would answer - was to ensure that he could still be at a distance. Than, through different circumstances, I got him to chat with me and admit that he really DIDN'T have a reason to be mad at me. So tonight we again, retruced - no fits from me, no fits from him - pure acceptance of who each other is. It will rebuild and grow stronger I know - just as I knew, he wasn't really gone - another reason it hurt.
So, my other friend who has "deleted" me from his life - just wanted to fight one night and than said "Have a nice life" and removed me from facebook, AIM and MSN. Wow - and it DIDN'T hurt! Major, MAJOR shocker as he too is one that I've adopted into my family and know really well. But on this one, I think I learned from the above, it's a different relationship. This one REALLY was a friend. So weird to have a friend that could literally be my son but nice - cuz it gives life a different perspective and helps me with my own boys. Dean even commented on this one....... He'll be back. I found that very interesting coming from my husband - but I know that he is usually right, for I know this also - just don't know when.
Ok so I've rambled and told my looooooooong stories - he he. There is a point I promise. This friend that is going through a rough spot has also tried to distance herself from me and actually EVERYONE in her life over the past week. But she doesn't really want to, its a cry for help, and I won't let her delete ME from her life. In Stake Conference last week Dean said they talked about how we all need each other .... ALL, not just saints, not just Christians..... ALL. It's not just the families that Satan has started attacking - its friends, neighbors, everyone. We DO all need each other - that's how I sustain my strength, my hope, my love, and my committments. I sustain them by borrowing a little from you, leaning a little on someone else, and giving and receiving the love that everyone desires. Think about your life.... think about your friends... the people that have touched your life - good or bad -- they have made you who you are today, take that lump of clay and mold it now into the person you want to be. Hold close to those around you to help shave off the rough edges, accept who you are and who other are wholeheartedly. You can't change what's happened but you CAN change your future, who you are, who you take there with you. Think about it.
