Ok everyone faint now...2 days in a row...

Yes, I am trying to get back to normal, thanks to all of you who still love me even when I don't act like the me you know =].

I'm hoping that within the next month I can be off my prescriptions and on some herbal remedies that will help me stop the self-loathing, self-denial, self-pity, and overall just unhappiness felt inside and out. It is all generated from me and within me - some blame my pills which can't be right cuz I feel they don't completely work- some blame my lack of doing what I know I should - blame, blame, blame...blaming doesn't do anyone any good and neither does judging. Right now, this is me and as Alisha said in her blog - I am climbing my mountain. A mountain I never saw, never dreamed I'd ever climb but honestly one of the biggest, scariest ones I've ever faced. Over the past few years I've gotten a little higher than either fallen off the next cliff or loosen my grip and gone flying into the side.

I know I'm still on the mountain and I know I'll make it to the top. I have too many people that rely on me, better yet I have those few who love me and love me unconditionally and see me as my Father see's me - who I really am, not who I see or who the world has me looking at - for that I am grateful.

....it totally ate part of it...

I just reread - my entry and noticed it totally ate a couple of lines >.>

ha ha- no wonder my friend felt guilty - grrr dumb editing. In extension of what is written below I continue...with what should be before the poem.

I must have been having sympathy pain for his hand with my hip for it screamed at me for hours. So while waiting for my heat patch to take effect I decided to jot some things down. This is how I see my friend, this is how I love him.

there - now hopefully it makes more sense....heavens. >/

Just Something...

Ok saw one of my Dr's today...going off the estrogen, he doesn't think its helping (duh)and FINALLY listened to me about not sleeping and that it isn't the anxiety its my body not knowing how to shut down and relax. So I'm trying Lyrica - keep your fingers crossed - here's hoping.

So I have a some friends that are having some interesting times...yes, I know, we all having interesting times in our lives. However, I like to notice theirs more just cuz than I can forget myself for awhile =]. Anyways..I digress..I have some friends that could be miniature and life size of each other in so many ways; I love them both dearly however; one has left my life but I hope the other since he is older and somewhat wise ;] will stay for a long time. So I was thinking about this friend as he was relating his personal anguish over something- yeah I'm a mom through and through, too sensitive my mom used to say - and there was nothing I could do or say. I hate that, only crappy thing about being an online friend - hard to truely enjoy the great moments or comfort in the sorrowful ones. Anywho...it was one of those nights >.<



If A Bear It Be....

What do we see of a grizzly? all gruff and growl and might?
A life of hardships, toil and strife? or a simple urge to protect and fight?

The brightness of the warm sunlight, signals a first fight of might.
for nothing is seemingly easy.... every detail of life has its plight.

Yet hidden beneath the fur, the growl and the grim..
is a lonely bear just searching,
for the love that from kindness does stem.

Chance to take another look, at this growlsome bear,
soothe the anger and the the grief.. chance to see a teddy bear.

For every side has its opposite, in nature nothing but beauty grows.
Be wise and search through other eyes, for the man hidden in grizzly bear clothes.

kz (lil sis) 8/26/09