It's just not fair that when they finally give me pills that help me be tired at this time of night, I now can't shut my mind off! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (insert picture of pulling hair out) Psh, Olivia couldn't sleep last night either due to the fact that she was up at 5am saying she couldn't go back to sleep, than finally fell back asleep and slept til NOON! Ha ha - that was a first ever for her! But she's had pink eye in both eyes so I caved and let her be.
I used to could fall asleep by daydreaming (ha ha) at night, thinking of things I "wanted" to dream about, of course never turned out that way but its always fun to day dream right? These days its hard to day dream - people have no faces or they simply disappear and can't be placed. So, I've been trying to daydream about the ending of my book, but alas, I only know the final 3 sentences - LOL! >]
I've started a new book "Bear Trapped" yet only the beginning has come to me, so that's where it stays atm. Last night another came to mind yet I'm not sure if I want to write it, it would be full of personal stuff which I don't necessarily mind - however, if certain people in my past were to find out - I don't want to do that to them. Therefore, I will have to think on that one and let you know. It is the story of Cody and Sam - teenage years =] kind of like a teenage diary - HA HA scary I know right?!?
So over the past week, I've discovered really what depression is - not what causes it but rather what it does to you or me for that matter and I've been under the constant scrutiny of myself the hypocrite. I've judged a friend wrongly when they have done nothing to me except for be honest and I have hurt another friend by trying to protect them from me. *sigh* Does anything ever turn out the way its supposed to? or is that being conceited to think that we have any control over anything in our lives. Yes, as many of you know I am a recovering perfectionist - we are all about the control. Mayhaps we must learn the control over ourselves (the knowing and accepting that we have no control) before we can develop the patience to help other's control themselves - thereby putting God's plan into motion. Interesting....
2010/06/28
2010/06/25
Gilbert Grape
Interesting movie...not wonderful, not bad...just interesting. With Gilbert's long hair he could almost look like Pirate Jack Sparrow lol, that kept coming to mind. Interesting how you do what you need to enable to survive. I can relate to his mom so much. There are just times in your life when you just don't want to do it anymore. You just can't handle it, you want to just forget it all and be a slug. I'm not a full blown slug, I do work and drive my kids around, etc etc. Yet there are times my family looks at me and says "you just go from here to there, that's it". And yes, I know I'm not 400 lbs, not 300 either but I feel like I look like it. I hate getting dressed in the morning, hate looking at myself in the mirror. I know we all change with age but really? 80 lbs overweight and losing my hair...really?
So here's the thing, last month when I turned 40, I had not come through with one of my goals - to be what I think is "fabulous at forty"....I wasn't even close =P lol. BUT, I have reminded myself that 40 last all year, not just one day. In order to feel better about myself on the inside, I have to also feel better about myself on the outside. So...things are going to change. Because I really do feel like the mom at the end of the movie - an embarrassment and not wanting to meet anyone, not wanting to be seen, hoping that's not all that's paid attention to.
Isabel De Los Rios, here I come.
So here's the thing, last month when I turned 40, I had not come through with one of my goals - to be what I think is "fabulous at forty"....I wasn't even close =P lol. BUT, I have reminded myself that 40 last all year, not just one day. In order to feel better about myself on the inside, I have to also feel better about myself on the outside. So...things are going to change. Because I really do feel like the mom at the end of the movie - an embarrassment and not wanting to meet anyone, not wanting to be seen, hoping that's not all that's paid attention to.
Isabel De Los Rios, here I come.
Self Examinations
Wow... I can only say that depression is sort of enlightening. How do I put this....hmm. Depression is you telling yourself everything wrong about yourself that you've always known about but had hoped you'd overcome. It can be beyond exhausting physically because you are beating yourself up emotionally. In effect, you are poisioning yourself slowy, or quickly, depending on the person and how bad it is.
I am very strong willed. I am overly emotional, overly critical, over protective, arrogant, selfish and whiney. Everything I dislike in other people, makes sense doesn't it? Those things we hate about ourselves and have worked so hard to try to overcome are what annoy us in others. It annoys because it scares us. Scares us that maybe we haven't overcome, that maybe we will see its acceptable or worse yet we are judging that I've tried to overcome, why haven't you?
There are those who relish putting others down. When your life lacks compliments or happiness, the only way to feel better is to let someone you are close to feel that they are smaller than you. Whether it is for the need to have them need you or just to gain a bigger ego, it isn't right.
Therefore, after explaining all this, why can a smile, a ♥, a text, a smile; how can those lighten your day? How can they turn a depressant to a better part of their journey? Because its positive. Positive will always win out Negative in the war over a soul. We are human beings, we crave love, touch, happiness, light. Is it really worth it when you are upset to make everyone else around you upset by snapping at them? Isn't it worth the time to smile? Say something nice - sometimes that be very hard but still.
"but the master comes and the thoughtless crowd can never quit understand, the worth of a soul or the change that's wrought, by the touch of the master's hand."
I am very strong willed. I am overly emotional, overly critical, over protective, arrogant, selfish and whiney. Everything I dislike in other people, makes sense doesn't it? Those things we hate about ourselves and have worked so hard to try to overcome are what annoy us in others. It annoys because it scares us. Scares us that maybe we haven't overcome, that maybe we will see its acceptable or worse yet we are judging that I've tried to overcome, why haven't you?
There are those who relish putting others down. When your life lacks compliments or happiness, the only way to feel better is to let someone you are close to feel that they are smaller than you. Whether it is for the need to have them need you or just to gain a bigger ego, it isn't right.
Therefore, after explaining all this, why can a smile, a ♥, a text, a smile; how can those lighten your day? How can they turn a depressant to a better part of their journey? Because its positive. Positive will always win out Negative in the war over a soul. We are human beings, we crave love, touch, happiness, light. Is it really worth it when you are upset to make everyone else around you upset by snapping at them? Isn't it worth the time to smile? Say something nice - sometimes that be very hard but still.
"but the master comes and the thoughtless crowd can never quit understand, the worth of a soul or the change that's wrought, by the touch of the master's hand."
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