Sunday Morning Therapy

I purchased a book a couple of years ago called "Feelings buried alive never die".  A friend of mine in Canada was going through therapy, they were using this book, so I bought it and told her I would read through it with her.  Well things happened, she didn't get through the book and neither have I yet.  It continues to sit in my pile of  "MUST READ" books along with my newest that Dean got me for my birthday, "Through His Eyes, Rethinking what you believe about yourself".  Do you see a pattern here?  Lol, yes, there is a definate pattern here and it is the pattern of my life.  I have fought depression since I was in my teens and when I had to read "Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather for an Independent Study course I started to fall in love with self-help.  I have been to seminars, I have read and collect books, and yet, here I still am.  In a way  I don't think this is bad, I believe that becoming the person you want to be and could be is a life long process.  Things happen, roads go from smooth to rocky to non-exsistant, walls get built, walls fall down and sometimes our worlds seem to crash around us.  "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger".  Yes, this is true, but I believe we have to acknowledge that we are still here - not dead - and move forward, letting ourselves know that we are stronger and we have won.  We need to congratulate ourselves on succeeding, on being, and overcoming.

With that said, I have pulled that book out today and told myself I will do some reading in it.  Enough with escaping into non-reality to hide, I need to once again face hard things - accept them, adjust, grow stronger and move on.  I've already degressed in my PTSD since Dean's grandmother's funeral so now is the time to try to help myself climb back up the couple of steps that I fell. 

Losing friends is never easy - especially when you have no one to blame but yourself and they are unforgiving.  I've mentioned before that I do not see myself as a good friend.  I don't know what my few friends think but as far as I am concerned they are far better friends to me than I am to them and I thank them for that, and I also feel guilty for that.  I feel that I demand too much, ask too much and that they grow weary of it all.  That is a self realization that I do not cherish and am finding that I do not know how to correct.  I feel that I pull away instead letting people get too close or I delete them from my life before they can tire of me.  Most just leave of their own accord, drifting away until suddenly they are no longer there.  For the first time in my life, some one I deleted because I felt it was what they wanted (no I didn't ask, I assumed because of the way things had become) has now blocked me from their life.  I am a child.  I yearn for affirmation that someone still loves me and that my thoughts weren't correct, the stupid things I tell myself are misguided.  So this is new and I'm not sure how to feel.  It feels like they have corroborated my feelings, that I was right all along and they had been pushing me out.  Whenever I push someone away because I feel that I am saving them from me or that it is what they want, I still reach out to them through out time - just to test the waters, just to see if I was mistaken.  This is the first time I've been shunned and by someone I had actually trusted with part of me.  Now, I do what I feel is logical.  I retreat.  From everyone.  If one person has rejected me I feel that others must feel the same way and simply are too nice to say anything or to show it.  I start to rebuild my walls around my heart and brandish a new mask that keeps everyone at bay.  This is no way to live.  I hate this.  I have been working on this since I was 16 and I never seem to be able to get it right.  No, that is a false statement.  From the years of 17 through 20 I was fine.  I was self assured, I knew who I was and I finally didn't care what other people thought.  I found good - not popular but GOOD friends who loved me for me and for the first time since middle school, I didn't have any bullies.  Which totally makes me laugh that I would ever have had any.  I was the friend protector in elementary school, I was the one that beat the little boys up when they annoyed my friends and I had lots of friends and actually boyfriends. Lol, maybe I should just blame all of it on raging teenage or starting teenage hormones. :)  But I won't.  I'm typing this, I'm facing facts, acknowledging myself and my feels whether they are right or wrong and my perception which I'm pretty positive has always been skewed. =P

Is that REALLY how I feel?

Every day after I have one like yesterday, I stop and think.  If the funk is gone and the depression lifted do I still feel the way I did?  It's interesting, think about it.  Depression takes feelings that we already have and (according to some friends) is like adding alcohol.  Your feelings are more intense, more angry, more sad, more disillusioned.  I usually try to hold those days in, I try not to post here or on facebook, for than I scare a few wonderful people in my life and I don't like doing that.  Obviously, there are days that are more severe than others and I end up posting.  In case it happens again, please note, my systemic candidias carries its own form of depression.  I am currently trying to detox from my Candidias but I am concerned that it is detoxing my WHOLE body and therefore taking my depression meds out of my system.  Yay me!  Yay you - well, not so much yay you unless you can put with a weird or onery or very depressing post every now and than.  Hopefully you will just understand, maybe ask if that's still what's happening and go on with your life. :]

So my comment.......it leads to my saying that I have been repeating to myself regularly these days.  "Is it really YOU I miss or is it the memory, the thought, or the feeling?"  I really have to wonder that.  It's great to look back at people and remember the good times but I think it illogical to not remember the bad.  There had to be a reason for the bad or for the fight - all that didn't just magically disappear.  My parents didn't become perfect just because they died.  I know and I lived my memories of them; however, I think in the case of death or removal that we want to cling to the good things.  We want to remember them in a  positive way so that we have justification for grieving.  Do we need justification to grieve?  NO.  Hello.  Than why do we make ourselves justify our actions?  Accept what is going on, why it is going on and don't try to put it in a perfect little box on a perfect little shelf in the corner of our life.  No one's life is perfect, if yours is, sorry, but you're lieing to yourself and everyone else.  I don't believe that life is supposed to be perfect, I believe it is supposed to be filled with heartache, joy, sadness, grief, difficulty and STRENGTH.  I wouldn't know how to be strong if my life wasn't the way it was, my life has made me who I am, whether for good or bad - which I guess kind of depends on the day these days. =P

I won't deny that I have emotional attachments to my friends.  I love them.  Male and female, old and young.  Some I gather into my fold and adopt directly into my life, others I hold at arms length.  Those I let in usually get to see the real me.  My mother and Deano are the only ones that have ever met the real me.  So it is a priceless gift I give if I let down my barriers and remove my mask.  I think that's what made my best friend leaving so difficult.  I had let down my barriers and he was beginning to.  No one has seen the real him, it's guarded more heavily than my heart.  So here it is...of clear mind and no sinking gut feelings today....what I miss is a friend.  Someone to make stupid jokes with that makes them squirt coke out their nose cuz they can't believe I of all people would say that.  Someone to play my games with and just knowing that if I needed advice about my kids or husband, someone was there.  What I don't miss?  Being totally blindsided by rage when I miscalculated his mood or did something I thought he'd like which he didn't.  Being talked about with other friends that I don't consider friends anymore.  Never knowing what mood he was in and because it was internet, not being able to judge for myself....I was often wrong - see above.  Do any of these things make him a bad person?  Heavens no but is he an angel?  HA HA HA...he'd spit coke and fall out of his chair at that notion.  No, he was simply my friend, someone to talk to at 1am when we were both sleep deprived, giggly (yes men get giggly) and wondering why the heck we couldn't sleep.  I ruined it, I know it and now after freakin 6 months I need to get over my stupidity and get on with my life and let the poor man do the same.  I am no angel - HA HA HA HA HA...ahem, I sometime OVER admit when I am wrong and I take others guilt upon myself for which really, really annoys certain people. :]  I still hold out HOPE, today the sun is shining and you never know what the future will bring; however, today I am also smart enough to know that it won't be tomorrow, or maybe next year or it may be never.  Yet whenever it is or isn't, that's okay.  I'm grateful for the friend I had, the fun times we shared and the fact that I got to know someone better than most.  I am blessed.

I'm an Idiot

This song is how I'm feeling.  A couple of friends will understand the words and that they may pertain to certain parts of their life currently.   "What have you done now?...I've been waiting for someone like you but now you are slipping away...why does fate make us suffer? Would you mind if I killed you?  Would you mind if I tried to cuz you have turned into my worst enemy, you carry hate that I don't feel."

Yeah I get in these moods.  I always like to think that I would never give up on anyone that we all are human, we all make mistakes but if you care enough about each other than at sometime it's possible to come back together - forgive the wrongs and start again.  I've been fortunate to be able to do that several friends - not so much with family.  However, even though there is ALWAYS that angst with that certain family member, we can reside in the same room for up to about 2 hrs we've discovered.  After that something always happens and it goes downhill fast.  My FB status yesterday was talking about giving up and the pain it causes.  Ugh - sometime I don't like being tender hearted, I don't like being empathetic and I REALLY don't like breaking away from someone I love.  It feels like I've lost my parents all over again.  Sorry Beck if this status upsets you some, even though it isn't my husband and I can't feel near the pain you do - ....enough said.