I purchased a book a couple of years ago called "Feelings buried alive never die". A friend of mine in Canada was going through therapy, they were using this book, so I bought it and told her I would read through it with her. Well things happened, she didn't get through the book and neither have I yet. It continues to sit in my pile of "MUST READ" books along with my newest that Dean got me for my birthday, "Through His Eyes, Rethinking what you believe about yourself". Do you see a pattern here? Lol, yes, there is a definate pattern here and it is the pattern of my life. I have fought depression since I was in my teens and when I had to read "Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather for an Independent Study course I started to fall in love with self-help. I have been to seminars, I have read and collect books, and yet, here I still am. In a way I don't think this is bad, I believe that becoming the person you want to be and could be is a life long process. Things happen, roads go from smooth to rocky to non-exsistant, walls get built, walls fall down and sometimes our worlds seem to crash around us. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Yes, this is true, but I believe we have to acknowledge that we are still here - not dead - and move forward, letting ourselves know that we are stronger and we have won. We need to congratulate ourselves on succeeding, on being, and overcoming.
With that said, I have pulled that book out today and told myself I will do some reading in it. Enough with escaping into non-reality to hide, I need to once again face hard things - accept them, adjust, grow stronger and move on. I've already degressed in my PTSD since Dean's grandmother's funeral so now is the time to try to help myself climb back up the couple of steps that I fell.
Losing friends is never easy - especially when you have no one to blame but yourself and they are unforgiving. I've mentioned before that I do not see myself as a good friend. I don't know what my few friends think but as far as I am concerned they are far better friends to me than I am to them and I thank them for that, and I also feel guilty for that. I feel that I demand too much, ask too much and that they grow weary of it all. That is a self realization that I do not cherish and am finding that I do not know how to correct. I feel that I pull away instead letting people get too close or I delete them from my life before they can tire of me. Most just leave of their own accord, drifting away until suddenly they are no longer there. For the first time in my life, some one I deleted because I felt it was what they wanted (no I didn't ask, I assumed because of the way things had become) has now blocked me from their life. I am a child. I yearn for affirmation that someone still loves me and that my thoughts weren't correct, the stupid things I tell myself are misguided. So this is new and I'm not sure how to feel. It feels like they have corroborated my feelings, that I was right all along and they had been pushing me out. Whenever I push someone away because I feel that I am saving them from me or that it is what they want, I still reach out to them through out time - just to test the waters, just to see if I was mistaken. This is the first time I've been shunned and by someone I had actually trusted with part of me. Now, I do what I feel is logical. I retreat. From everyone. If one person has rejected me I feel that others must feel the same way and simply are too nice to say anything or to show it. I start to rebuild my walls around my heart and brandish a new mask that keeps everyone at bay. This is no way to live. I hate this. I have been working on this since I was 16 and I never seem to be able to get it right. No, that is a false statement. From the years of 17 through 20 I was fine. I was self assured, I knew who I was and I finally didn't care what other people thought. I found good - not popular but GOOD friends who loved me for me and for the first time since middle school, I didn't have any bullies. Which totally makes me laugh that I would ever have had any. I was the friend protector in elementary school, I was the one that beat the little boys up when they annoyed my friends and I had lots of friends and actually boyfriends. Lol, maybe I should just blame all of it on raging teenage or starting teenage hormones. :) But I won't. I'm typing this, I'm facing facts, acknowledging myself and my feels whether they are right or wrong and my perception which I'm pretty positive has always been skewed. =P
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