Well to catch you all up after 5 years I am now divorced and on dating websites... yes, my life is still blessed but far from the heckin' easy.
I've listed on my bio's on many of the dating sites the following sentence "Not your typical Utah Mormon but I am LDS". Now obviously if the man is LDS - they usually don't talk to me- which is dumb but their loss and if they questioning or know nothing about the church they ask...what does that mean. It's hard to describe in a few shorts sentences on chat and I don't text in long pages. Therefore, here I am, updating this dusty old blog to share what this means, in detail for those that are interested.
**Disclaimer - I have many friends of all religions, race, creed, color, and nationality (since I was a RPG player) and to those of my faith.... I should hope you aren't offended.
I grew up in a very small town on the Interstate (yes we were the only stoplight on I-15) but it was larger than the town I had just moved from. I learned once I reached Middle School and High School or (12-18 yrs this is called Young Womens in the LDS church) that though you all belong to the same religion, you don't all necessarily believe the same thing. I loved my leaders, most did not reciprocate, the majority of the girls did not like me. I had an older, more popular and beautiful sister that most wanted to emulate - I was a drastic difference. I also lived my religion 7 days a week, not just the 3 hours on Sunday; therefore, I was made fun of. My father, just a side note - was also ex military 25 yrs of service retired as a Lt Colonel, extremely strick and had a degree in Religious Doctrine from BYU. He was a major scriptorian who could read and speak Hebrew.
With that being said - I was not what my peers thought. My father was out of town working for most of my growing up and I was usually at home, by myself since my mom worked. Yes, I watched MTV, I watched SciFi Saturday Horror, I watched some rated R movies with my dad when he was home, I read romance novels by the thousands since I had little to no friends, and I had other sins that need not be mentioned - ooh, I drank Pepsi. ;)
I never dated in High School, when I was a freshmen I had a couple of Upper Classmen that liked me but I wasn't 16 so, 1 talked to me at school or offered me rides home, 1 would visit for a few minutes if he was visiting his grandma, and 1 (poor guy) actually called me when my dad was home (never called back sigh).
Depression and anger started in when I around 13.. I HATED my parents. I would wake up in a fine mood and all they had to say was "Good Morning" and I wanted to rip their heads off - seriously, yes, that violent. My dad didn't believe in mental disorders - I realize now that it is probably because he had PTSD (3 wars and 3 tours in just 1- Vietnam- will do that). I was taught to "Pull Up my bootstraps and Press On". So I did. I spent a summer with my older sister, babysitting my nephew and it took a traumatizing event to get me to start reading my scriptures again and start praying. After that, I felt I had found my testimony but that didn't stop me from doing things I shouldn't.
I swore in High School and only at school because I would have had no behind left if it slipped out at home. I remember being asked specifically by neighbors two questions:
1. While giving them a ride home in my truck, blasting Bon Jovi, "You listen to the radio? I thought you only listened to Church Music!"
2. When passing out papers to start my anti depression/suicide club, "What do you have to be depressed about?"
I have all those friends and many more (small high school) on my Facebook now. I'm not the person they thought I was, not then and not now. I think to myself all the things people missed by judging or listening to someone else's opinion of me and can only think, there had to be a reason. (I do sort of blame my dad ha ha, he would pray every morning in family prayer to protect me from drugs, alcohol, and boys - like thanks dad only me?)
As I moved away, met new people, lived on my own, got married - looking back yes I too was judgemental in my own way. I would be friends with someone but think to myself, they shouldn't do that, that's bad. That really made me no better than those that judged me. I started working on myself and in 2007, the year after my mom died - I could no longer "pull up my bootstraps", too many things, too many trauma's, my brain and body were done. I broke inside and had to say hello to PTSD myself.
It's interesting when that happens, people don't understand and while you wish they could - you really don't want them to. No one would wish it on another. It's been 13 yrs, I still have it but not near the severity that it was. Some triggers are gone mentally, only reflect slightly in my body; other triggers I'm not fully aware of and don't realize I'm triggered until I'm having a panic attack and my fibromyalgia kicks up.
My PTSD in one sense has changed me for the better. I am grateful to it for that. I am no longer as judgemental about people, not even in my thoughts. Looks? Okay got me, that is something I struggle with for myself and until I can overcome that, I will still judge you (quietly sorry) and myself more.
I feel I'm able now to accept people with all their flaws and beautiful brokenness without judgement, with only the thought of seeing how I can help.
I feel I am more patient now (still a life long process) with others but honestly that depends on if I'm driving.
I am very open and honest now, with everyone. Want to know something? Okay.
I feel that I try to put others first, even though at times my body makes me stop and take care of myself.
I feel in some ways I am closer to becoming who I once was a little girl who was happy, all the time. I would sing and dance around the house - I miss her. I would like to be her again, without the criticism, the being told to be quiet constantly, just free to be me.
I was once asked why I stopped going to church, what would take to make me come back, did I get offended.
I did get offended in one ward but I worked that out between myself and the Lord and still attended church through that. I stopped going when my PTSD made me sweat like a sauna and have small panic attacks sitting through Sacrament Meeting. It was nothing I could control - it was a crowd of people, albiet ones I've known for over 15 yrs and I know love me.... it had nothing to do with it. I've gotten past that now, it only occasionally hits for which I am grateful.
Above and over all, I have never lost my testimony of my Savior. He loves me, cares for me, has protected me from myself and others countless times, I have literally felt his arms around me in times of needed comfort through trauma. In this sense I am like Joseph Smith, I he lives! I know it, he knows I know it and I cannot deny it, nor would I ever want to.
Are the people in the church perfect? Don't make me laugh it will kick my asthma in. Are the leaders? No but they are my leaders and I've sustained them and will support them. That is different than agreeing with any sin they may commit or anyone for that matter. The Church is the gospel of Jesus Christ - not it's members, not its buildings, not its temples. Those are the instruments of his work, his hands to show the goodness and help he can bring.
We don't all shun other people of another religion or have our children do so, we don't judge for piercings and tattoos and a life lived. However, there may be some that do because of jealousy or simple not having the full light of Christ with them. Christ loved all, Christ welcomed all to him - so should we.
