Wake Up

Wow... the one thing about self realization is that number one I do it all too well =P and two you humbles you beyond recognition at times. What am I rambling on about this time? Friends of course or lack there of or in better terms, the cremation of. It is that time of "morning" as I sit here alone in the dark and my internet starts to go wacky, that I can hear my thoughts jumble and tumble around. We can call it sleep deprivation, medication switch, or *e shrugs just let it ramble. I have always known that I hold a high standard for friends, yet don't expect the same from myself. Eyah, that might be ...never mind. Anyways, I have only ever really had two great friends - GIRL friends in my life. The first was Robin - from 7th grade until 9th and than Stephanie, who still is my friend in a long distance, never talk to each other kind of way. =S

No one likes to admit their faults, everyone tells you to concentrate on the positive - well that's great but how do you "overcome" the negative if you don't confront it? I know, I know, I can hear Dean now saying to me...confront it yes, dwell on it no. Pfft. My husband I and are very different in more ways than anatomy. Back to my story....so, in school I must have been "best friends" with every girl in my class (not exaggerating, tiny school) atleast once from 3rd to Sr year. I had GUY friends that lasted from 3rd through Sr year and continued to have best guy friends until I got married. Than, I married my best friend - Dean - my version of our engagement is not romantic which is interesting since I am a die hard romantic - Dean's version is - ask him. I know that the Lord placed me with him for my own good. I love my husband, as I watch shows where people are with others not their spouses I cringe. No it isn't just my upbringing or religion but something more inside of me - value and love. Real love, not fantasy, not make believe but love like assisting me in the bathroom when my back seized up, love like putting up with a hysterical wife who's not only lost her mother but also her dad and than had a miscarriage...love and patience as obviously no one else cares to show me.

You see I'm a strange duck...no comments. I get bored easily, with anything...who knows was I ADD and no one just knew what it was in school? I doubt it - I had no troubles in school graduated with a 3.87 (stupid freshman year =P). I mention the ADD though because I get bored easily, because it is normal for me to usually be doing 3 to 4 things at once. If I am doing only one thing and having a hard time concentrating - I'm gonna freak on you cuz that's just not me. My job - very true- is very boring, very repetitive. Therefore, it is no surprise that you used to find me with work in front of me, movie or music in the background, a telephone conversation that's lasted already an hour and kids around. That was life, that was normal, that was me. That was me with confidence, of which I'm slowly trying to rebuild. Thankfully I'm back to atleast doing two things at once =] but sometimes that's pushing it. I mention this side story so that you understand that I love people, love my friends, but I get bored really easy - which is why my side of my engagement is not romantic - if it had been, I would not have stayed....but it wasn't and I saw, I know, and feel what Dean is in my life... he is essential. So, one of the things that Dean has had to begrudgingly accept is my friends.....I still have or did have guy friends. Thankfully though, they all lived far away and he had no need to be jealous and just kept reminding me, don't get too involved.

Okay, I would like a show of hands, when someone allows you into their life, their emotions, just HOW do you NOT get involved? Anyone? It's impossible - he just didn't want me hurt, well niether did I or do I but you know what- it's me and I seem to make the relationships turn out a certain way. Dean is the only man/friend in my life that I have not been able to push away - yes I know that most of it is the fact that he's married to me and doesn't believe in divorce and says that its part of the give and take in marriage. I was going to add more but just this line comes to mind...."You know your friends by their loving power, and you know their love by their staying power".

Paix