Dean has been telling me that on and off for over a year. However, it is very difficult to allow yourself to be blessed when all you can see are your faults and when you have a medical problem, your medication does not work.
I still am not sleeping as I wish, yet it is so much better than it has been, I will not complain in the least. Almost two weeks ago, my family doctor switched my medication for my depression. When all this started three years ago, I was suffering from Post Traumatic Syndrome - the stress that holds my life together all these years, finally became too much and bubbled over continuously to were I seriously thought I was losing it. Not easy to "lose it" when you have children at home you need to tend to, a home, a job, and a husband - oh yeah church callings. It took them over a year to figure out a cocktail that would enable me to survive each day, not be myself but just simply to do what I needed to and have the energy to push myself there. That then depleted my energy and two years ago I started to not have enough energy to even sleep at night. My body would collapse into an exhausted, not rejuvinating but exhausted sleep some time after the kids left for school and I again "survived" on merely 4 to 5 hrs of sleep a day and would crash on the weekends when Dean was home and I knew I didn't have to be front and center.
Many doctors tried to tell me my pills won't do it by themselves, you have to work on you too and they were right. So last year I started seeing a reflexologist with an amazing gift of sight. Friends looked at me and with respect said that's great, yet at the same time did not believe in what she was doing for me. One commented, "it's all hocus pocus and gibberish, there isn't anything they do for you that you can't do yourself". =] He was right; hoewever, I believe that there are times in our lives that we need to be told what to do, to help us get to the next step. I was not listening to myself anymore and because of that seeing my therapist didn't work. The reflexology and other items that Sarah has used for me, have helped me to regain my energy, my point of view, and best yet, allowed me to assertain what she says and apply it to my life. Isn't that what ANY self help is about? Taking what someone else has learned and than applying the portion that pertains to you, into your life. I'm still not 100% where I used to be, the amount of stress I used to handle on the job, let alone in my personal life would simply incapacitate me now. Best part? I am learning that that is okay. I don't need to be supermom and superwoman 24/7...its okay to let some of it go, its okay to delegate, and its much better for everyone if I actually allow others to help me once in awhile.
We have been trying for so many years to come out from underneath debt, etc. They couldn't be more right when they say that it enslaves you. Part of my regret and shame that I heap on myself is the fact that I have been a working mother - albiet from home- since day one of each of my children's lives. I need to let go of that. I cannot turn back the clock and suddenly quit to raise my children, I cannot take back their years of growing up when I needlessly got irrate with them for disrupting me while working - weren't they the reason I was working from home? This one has been huge to me. I listen to conference talks and the brethern, the RS lessons and only see where upon I have failed. I should be looking at my beautiful, funny children and be forever grateful that they didn't turn out any worse than they did! lol.
This past week, the Lord has asked to bless us and we let him. =] I received a bonus that we were not expecting, which allowed us to trade in our Van that we were upside down financially on. For the first time ever in buying a car, we were able to put money down which in turn allowed us to purchase "our new" used vehicle. It is sturdier, more roomy, has more niceities, and our payment is $150 LESS each month.
Even with a down payment, there is still money in my checking account, food on our table, and we now RESTART again - lol- our missing savings account for Christmas. Life truely is beautiful, yet it becomes more clear as to how beautiful it is when you allow the Lord to bless you. May he bless you all, because I love you. ♥
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