Friends

Yes, my last entry was a little strange for those that might not completely know me but typical of bouts if you are close. After 3 days of upped medication disasters, lol; no, its not better but I am trying to be.

I've always known that other people are a HUGE factor in contributing to depression. Mixed signals from friends can cause major lows; however, when you let them and they rally around you, I can only say, what a difference the day makes. I am one that firmly believes, always have, that people are placed in our lives for a reason. We are blessed when we understand that reason, even more so if that person is still around to show gratitude for. I have 33 nieces and nephews - ha ha, no wonder the too many right?- I love them all but just like with friends, you click with certain people and grow a little closer. My 3 lovelies, as I call them, none of whom I talk to on a regular basis - all either sent me a text or an email or a facebook on the same day last week. =D Just saying that they love me! Yep, I'm a sentimental boob but that was just COOL, and needed. The lord so answers your prayers through others.

Many of you are tired of hearing about my internet friends but in reality, they are the only friends I chat with on a daily basis. Therefore, they are a large part of my life at this time. Can I also say that for teenagers, wow, they can really shock me sometimes- =](in good ways). My two "adopted" boys Brandon and Tyler are teenagers, who on occasion, you forget are teenagers. Brandon's comment in-game once was if your his friend and you fall, he'll be there to pick you up and he lives up to his word - he's an amazing kid. Tyler likes to say he knows me and in fact, it's really eery as to how well he really does. Even though Ty doesn't believe in God, he's admitted that he can't deny there is a "recognition" of spirits between us. =] (he's learning) These boys have adopted me as well and with a 2 hr time difference, they will stay up with me when I've had a hard day - just to chat or help me get in a better mood. I have NEVER denied how truely blessed and watched over I am and I never will.

Just like my kids, friends bring a smile to your face if you let them. We simply have to stop denying them the blessing of why they know us and allow them to be there for us. I was so shocked and touched this week that I just had to share in closing my greatest comments received.....

Gris, you know, i think we need each other lol / Grisseh (10:27:53 PM):lol /Grisseh (10:27:59 PM):why you say that :-D / :well, you deal with me, and i (supposedly) help you with whatever problems u have... and you make this game more fun. Whatever i say / said when im mad, you deal with it and take me back, so thank YOU Grisseh - (this was Brandon I erased his AIM name for privacy)

And Tyler: what? but i WANT you around, stop taking those stupid (bleep)pills! watever is changeing you i HATE IT! nothing will ever turn me away even if i wanted to i couldnt you have been a huge part of my life and like family i can never stop caring about you.

Wow, isn't it amazing how teenagers can be, when you find "them" inside?

Okay, skip this one and move to the next....

cuz I'm just here pondering and trying to reconcile with myself after a lovely bout of depression. I will sure be happy when this dosage starts working again, I'm sure my family will be too.

For those that talk to me "indepth" you'll know that I talk alot about "masks" that we wear. Well, unfortunately, the mask I have been SO good at keeping up for 20 yrs has crumbled and keeps falling off in chunks. No matter how much glue or cement I apply, lol it keeps breaking off. Now some would say this is a good thing - heck isn't that what my BOOK is supposed to be about?!?! Yeah. Hard lesson to learn and apply is doing "myself" what I say and have others do. Part of the mask is being free with advice for anyone willing to listen - hopefully some of it every now and than is good :S -but inside shriveling and crying but not really listening to myself.

Was it really so bad having a military father who taught you to suck it up and move on? I don't think so, he helped make me who I am today and even with a crumbling mask, I would like to think that he'd be somewhat proud. I guess that's half the problem, why do we feel guilty for having emotions? Why do we hurt when our mask falls off and we realize that like everyone else we are human? God I miss my mom.
How hard is it to just let go? Give your grief and pain to the Lord and feel his peace and not feel GUILTY for doing so? Wow this world is messed up and right now, so am I.

Heh, the ramblings of a "recovering perfectionist".

Psh, I hate getting OLD

Bones creaking, muscles aching,harder to lose weight, and hey, I can even tell you when the pressure is dropping outside now =P, ewwwww. I can tell already that this coming winter isn't going to be fun, besides the fact I don't like being cold; however, cold is alot better than HOT since I can only take OFF so much. =P

The kids start school in 2 weeks - wow, I would say the summer has gone by fast but I believe that it is simply old age and my memory is failing. Anthony has returned from scout camp and will be starting 9th grade -9TH GRADE!!! In Nephi, that's HS! Good heavens. He will be ordained a Teacher the Sunday after his birthday on the 31st of August. He has his Life Scout and shocked me the other day by saying he wanted all 3 palms after his Eagle -niiiiiiice. Ben starts the 6th grade and this will be his final year in Elementary. He will be ordained a Deacon in November! Yes, I know he doesn't look it but we are hoping his growth spurt kicks in like Anthony's did here soon. Olivia will be starting 2nd grade. Olivia will be baptized the 2nd weekend of October due to General Conference. That means school year of 09-10 I will have a child in EACH SCHOOL, Elem- Jr- HS, yep I'm feeling REALLY old.