Happy Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

This is always my favorite part of being a mom. I'm a cuddler and thankfully so have all of my babies been. I tried to find the poem I wrote about how I feel about being a mom- if I find it - I'll post it, it's called Serenity. My mom really liked it.

Happy Mother's Day mommy. I tried to find a pic of she and I together =[ but they are all in the main family albums that are at Mimi's house or still on the funeral poster. This is what I found and I like it - because it shows not only her helping me - but if you look closely - I'm helping her as well. Yeah, Mimi is buttoning my trussel - she was the only one with no fingernails =].When I think of my mom and dad, I like to try to remember the positive things. Don't get me wrong, they were human and I carry enough of those traits each and every day to remind me =P so I want to remember the good things. Like the fact that for 2 yrs or so - it was just me and mom living together. Dad was at work, Reba was on her mission, Denise with the airlines, and Mimi managing apartments. I got close enough to my mom to know that she was human, she had frailties - even though as a mom, she didn't want to show them. Even though her death is still the hardest thing for me to face, it will remain one of the times that I will be forever grateful for. Grateful for a mother who taught me to be a good mom, who taught me to be myself and be proud of it, to be a lady and act like one, and who took my hubby under her wing as if he was her own. I love you Mom and I miss you.

I'm tired of it... to hell with it

My social psychologist told me I'm a people pleaser, that I don't like to hurt people's feelings, so I lie. Well, plan and simple that's what everyone else seems to call it - I simply just don't say anything. There are some thing I don't believe people need to hear, nor do they want to hear, because it will only cause problems. There are enough problems in this world, why start another one.

Some days I just can't hold my temper in, when I feel I have been wronged or whatever the reason. People blame all the "drugs" I'm on for my problems when they are the only thing keeping me somewhat sane in this current world. Life is so fun... I had this realization 3 yrs ago when my mom died and almost to the day - here we are again. You think you have friends, only to find out its just "face" value and they really aren't interested in being your friend... their way of life, etc is much more important to them. My therapist wanted me to talk, I keep it all bottled up inside - well when I do... all hell breaks lose. I have a friend who's going through really horrible times in her life, she doesn't understand alot about friendship or life in general but she is trying and making good progress. She also is a people pleaser and doesn't like it when people fit or don't get along that she feels should. Well, tonight all hell broke lose because I let it. She always wants to know what's wrong, etc and for once I told her. I have to remember I can't do that - she can't handle - no matter how much she wants to. So, that resulted in her other friend attacking me that I had been unjust and unfair and how could I do it I know she can't handle that crap. Well, I'm not in the mood these days.... blame it on my pills, blame it on whatevr the hell you want to but plain and simple - it's me... I am not always a nice person, not even most of the time. So, I let loose on him also - than deleted him completely from my msn so he could not attack me anymore. My friend did not handle any of that well and is now like always blaming herself for what others have done and saying she has ruined everyone's life - it's a bunch of Bullshit. I wish I could make her understand that SHE has nothing to do with anyone's opinion or decisions - we are adults and we make our own choices, whether it affects or includes her.

I'm not even going to go into what else I'm feeling tonight - cuz after losing what I thought were friends, I don't want to lose family too. Suffice it to say, I miss you mom, more than you will or could ever know. If I could change the events of 3 yrs ago I would, not that you'd still be here - but maybe somebody would have listened.

I keep everything inside, for a reason. My life is hellish enough holding it in to have to deal with what happened today on a daily basis and me just not being a nice person. I may be killing myself by doing this but I don't know how else to be what I'm expected to be by my Father in Heaven or accomplish what I need to. Please don't comment.

Not being scheduled

Weird sounding I know, but for a recovering perfectionist like me, this is very different. I do know where my poor oldest gets it from but I honestly was not that way until I was 17. I like having things planned, it eases my stress level - yet for a long time my body did not exsist without stress - it was literally what held me together. The more to do, the less time gave me a rush of accomplishment and I somehow felt like superwoman - however; at the same time, I was pushing myself and telling myself that superwoman was unappreciated - so I would do more. Not healthy - not wise.

These days, superwoman is so excited if I get a chore done, my 6 hrs of work in, dinner made, a couple of little errand things and play time. When Dean and I got married I was a workaholic - (see paragraph above) - in alot of ways I was appreciated. At 19 yrs old I was an assistant CFO at my brother's company - not just because I was related and could be trusted with all the accts but they knew I would get it done, no matter the hours. If I pulled a 99 hr pay period I was SHOCKED - wow I must have done a church activity. LOL. Dean has tried to teach me to relax over the years, to slow down, to try living and enjoying life. After 18 yrs, I'm better at it but still not to the point of not feeling guilty about it. He would take me away for a weekend to relax and we soon figured out that relaxation to my body meant that it didn't know how - which meant major Migraine time. Nice that at the time he was a PT aide and knew how to help those.

We are trying to plan a getaway - he is so stressed from this project his office is doing the past 2 months and will continue I think until June - he needs some downtime. We were headed to Orlando - I've always wanted to go - but it still seemed "scheduled" to me - I don't want scheduled anymore. My life has currently done a total 180. It has crashed and told me - no more! Well, interesting I still have a job, family, house - eh - not possible? I find that I am in a great mood on days that I actually get some sleep (what an idea!), excercise, putter around a bit, get dinner put together - so things that I know need to get done - but get done on MY time, MY schedule. I have to figure out how to work through this - cuz my stress all comes once the kids get home because than my time is no longer my own. I than feel guilty if I haven't started work yet, I am stressed with that and running kids to places needed, errands for objects required, homework, etc etc - you get the idea.

So we are taking out getaway and it ISN"T scheduled. Dean keeps asking what we are doing and I say - IDK. NOTHING - EVERYTHING - what ever we want - period. This is our time together, our time to reconnect with ourselves and each other. I want the freedom of it to be able to be, hey lets go the movie or hmm I'm hungry - lets eat. To me, those are the best of times - to be together, to just be.