My social psychologist told me I'm a people pleaser, that I don't like to hurt people's feelings, so I lie. Well, plan and simple that's what everyone else seems to call it - I simply just don't say anything. There are some thing I don't believe people need to hear, nor do they want to hear, because it will only cause problems. There are enough problems in this world, why start another one.
Some days I just can't hold my temper in, when I feel I have been wronged or whatever the reason. People blame all the "drugs" I'm on for my problems when they are the only thing keeping me somewhat sane in this current world. Life is so fun... I had this realization 3 yrs ago when my mom died and almost to the day - here we are again. You think you have friends, only to find out its just "face" value and they really aren't interested in being your friend... their way of life, etc is much more important to them. My therapist wanted me to talk, I keep it all bottled up inside - well when I do... all hell breaks lose. I have a friend who's going through really horrible times in her life, she doesn't understand alot about friendship or life in general but she is trying and making good progress. She also is a people pleaser and doesn't like it when people fit or don't get along that she feels should. Well, tonight all hell broke lose because I let it. She always wants to know what's wrong, etc and for once I told her. I have to remember I can't do that - she can't handle - no matter how much she wants to. So, that resulted in her other friend attacking me that I had been unjust and unfair and how could I do it I know she can't handle that crap. Well, I'm not in the mood these days.... blame it on my pills, blame it on whatevr the hell you want to but plain and simple - it's me... I am not always a nice person, not even most of the time. So, I let loose on him also - than deleted him completely from my msn so he could not attack me anymore. My friend did not handle any of that well and is now like always blaming herself for what others have done and saying she has ruined everyone's life - it's a bunch of Bullshit. I wish I could make her understand that SHE has nothing to do with anyone's opinion or decisions - we are adults and we make our own choices, whether it affects or includes her.
I'm not even going to go into what else I'm feeling tonight - cuz after losing what I thought were friends, I don't want to lose family too. Suffice it to say, I miss you mom, more than you will or could ever know. If I could change the events of 3 yrs ago I would, not that you'd still be here - but maybe somebody would have listened.
I keep everything inside, for a reason. My life is hellish enough holding it in to have to deal with what happened today on a daily basis and me just not being a nice person. I may be killing myself by doing this but I don't know how else to be what I'm expected to be by my Father in Heaven or accomplish what I need to. Please don't comment.
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