So its been a rather emotionally stressful week - I know, when isn't it it seems at my house. This week was a little different - different emotions. Anthony's Eagle Project got approved - WAHOO! (good emotion) he starts on it as soon as school gets out. He is remaking the video aids that the Elementary School Counselor uses to teach the kids values. Its easily a 100+ hr project with him doing what he loves, filming, editing and directing. =] Anthony also has been having a difficult time passing his 1 night school class. He's passed 3 already but this last one is giving him angst- therefore he is very frustrated and discouraged and afraid he may have to take summer school which would put pressure on his Eagle Project and the possibility of a job. (tense emotion) Benjamin came down strep AGAIN this week and missed almost the entire week of school. (frustrating emotion) His strep keeps getting more frequent with worse symptoms each time. Missing school just adds to his missing assignment frustration and bad grades when he knows he can do better. He is looking towards a tonsilectomy this summer. (not sure emotion) Olivia is Olivia and a mini-version of her mom, not necessarily a good thing. She has had a school performance that she's been excited about for weeks but been scared silly about also- she's has been stressing over the school spelling bee- friends and church activities. Typical 9 yr old little girl stuff - atleast I hope. 0_o Dean is in process of becoming certified in one of the software programs the U is changing to this fall. He has had to take numerous tests and complete projects - along with heading up 3 projects at work, his calling as Executive Secretary in the Ward and kids stress and a wife who still isn't well. (major stress) Me? I still am not sleeping....I thought that was changing - they put me on steriods last week to try to cleanse a lung infection but when I went off the steriod the wheezing came back =P. I did sleep somewhat better this past week which of course was offset by the fact I slept not at all last night and have maybe slept 2 hrs today =D gotta love it. Some of my stress was relieved this week when I got to cry. I don't cry as easily as I used to. But when I found out Wed that my best friend from HS had surgery for Thyroid Cancer - it just wasn't stoppable. I know it isn't my place to tell the Lord what trials I will and will not have but really? Can I just keep some of those I love around me?
Haha - yeah like the country song says, "sounds like life to me" and it is around here. =] Nothing new, (except the friends illness) same old same old.
I taught RS on Tues night - interesting. I haven't been to church meetings except maybe once so far this year. Saturday and Sunday are my crash days when there is another adult at home and I am allowed to sleep - my body takes full advantage unfortunately. It didn't go too bad since I was teaching a mini lesson on visiting teaching being that I am the visiting teaching co-ordinator. The other mini classes were fun to listen to - yes- I stayed - I know everybody fall over =P. I simply worked well into the next morning - again, nothing new.
So I believe I know what causes idiotic mid-life crisis - as I hit my mid-life (I hope) this week. (meaning I hope its midlife not sure I want to live to be 80 but you understand) I'm not where I thought hoped I'd be at this age. Lol, yeah I know - since when does life go the way anyone plans it. I never really had plans, I've always just kind of let the Lord take me where I've needed to be. I'm talking about myself personally. I've never wanted to be this overweight - I've never wanted to be emotionally changed more than I was as a teenager, especially not at this age - and many other things. Of course, most of it is my fault. When Dean and I married - I had a gym membership and I went every morning before work. When the company closed its memberships I simply stopped going. I lived in downtown where it isn't easy or sometimes safe to go riding a bike or walking alone. Yet for many years after I started having my kids I told my dad - I really need to start lifting weights again......well we can see that never happened. There are most things about your life that you cannot control - you can only control how you react to them. I fear in this area I have let myself down but than I try to remember that when your down the only place to go is up =].
2010/05/23
2010/05/20
I believe the technical term is....Stupid.
Well the first stupid thing is my internet. I'm supposed to be screaming and I'm moving slower than dial up >.> - gah. Good thing I'm procrastinating and not working or I'd be more than a little peeved and fed up.
So my goal of being fabulous at 40 didn't work..LOL...I keep dreaming -now I've decided I'm 40 for a WHOLE YEAR right? =]. Things are in process so hopefully all of it will come together and not only will I be looking fabulous weight wise but also sleep wise with no dark circles under my eyes ;]. Cross your fingers and toes too.
So I sit here and have to wonder about my life. Certain instances that keep occuring, pain felt, and I just have to say ...ugh. I mean I wouldn't change who I am for anything, I could do without a few trials but hey, couldn't we all? I'm talking about things that make me who I am that can benefit a person or really hurt me. Okay lets get this straight, I'm not being egotistical, I'm being honest. There is something about each of us that attracts and helps others. We do not attract all, usually only those that we can benefit. Me? I'm too trusting...too gullible...too nice (at times - depends on the day and who you are) and I usually don't know how to say no.
Over the past 15 yrs my life has changed from busy executive stressed with migraines every weekend to work at home mom running carpool, etc - still stressed - still with occasional migraines. Life has been interesting since moving to work at home - there's me, my computer, and up until 3 yrs ago - a child under foot 24/7. No office chatter, no hey lets take break, no break chatter - well you get the idea. I used to call my mom and my sister (work at same office) most every day (they worked in home also) and would chat away for hours - for both of us it was our "office" chatter. =] Tv's in the background, chit chat, silence - it was nice. Than about 4 yrs ago I changed I guess. Now its just me, my computer, upside sleep patterns - if there is sleep, and almost no outside contact at all. Most of the time I'm just too tired to care, I notice its just me -I've never been a fan of my own company =] - but I just have to shuffle through cuz things have to get done. I've made online friends in the past four years - some have come, some have gone - some have come, gone, come, gone and come again lol. I will say it now...I the recovering perfectionist is...A PEOPLE PLEASER. I absolutely hate confrontation. Don't get me wrong - DO NOT cross my path because an icy tone accompanies the major horomonal rush that gets me beyond mad - I get angry. >.< I have learned over the years that anger is not a good thing. Combined with stress it is actually hurting me. So, I turn my attention to others, I try to help them, I'm sure they don't want to be but for a short time, they put up with me. =]
So the stupidity? Really isn't. I need to keep believing in people - its who I am, I need to keep trying to be nice - its what I need, but I think I can do without the gullible part. People are different, not everyone is the same - I believe we are here to learn to co-habitate. I don't want ppl just like me, wow I would ANNOY myself non-stop =D.....I feel we should learn to love people for who they are - not who we want them to be. We should expect to be loved for ourselves - not what people expect of us and we should enjoy the differences that we have to offer.
I love the people in my life for who they are to ME...not to someone else. ♥
So my goal of being fabulous at 40 didn't work..LOL...I keep dreaming -now I've decided I'm 40 for a WHOLE YEAR right? =]. Things are in process so hopefully all of it will come together and not only will I be looking fabulous weight wise but also sleep wise with no dark circles under my eyes ;]. Cross your fingers and toes too.
So I sit here and have to wonder about my life. Certain instances that keep occuring, pain felt, and I just have to say ...ugh. I mean I wouldn't change who I am for anything, I could do without a few trials but hey, couldn't we all? I'm talking about things that make me who I am that can benefit a person or really hurt me. Okay lets get this straight, I'm not being egotistical, I'm being honest. There is something about each of us that attracts and helps others. We do not attract all, usually only those that we can benefit. Me? I'm too trusting...too gullible...too nice (at times - depends on the day and who you are) and I usually don't know how to say no.
Over the past 15 yrs my life has changed from busy executive stressed with migraines every weekend to work at home mom running carpool, etc - still stressed - still with occasional migraines. Life has been interesting since moving to work at home - there's me, my computer, and up until 3 yrs ago - a child under foot 24/7. No office chatter, no hey lets take break, no break chatter - well you get the idea. I used to call my mom and my sister (work at same office) most every day (they worked in home also) and would chat away for hours - for both of us it was our "office" chatter. =] Tv's in the background, chit chat, silence - it was nice. Than about 4 yrs ago I changed I guess. Now its just me, my computer, upside sleep patterns - if there is sleep, and almost no outside contact at all. Most of the time I'm just too tired to care, I notice its just me -I've never been a fan of my own company =] - but I just have to shuffle through cuz things have to get done. I've made online friends in the past four years - some have come, some have gone - some have come, gone, come, gone and come again lol. I will say it now...I the recovering perfectionist is...A PEOPLE PLEASER. I absolutely hate confrontation. Don't get me wrong - DO NOT cross my path because an icy tone accompanies the major horomonal rush that gets me beyond mad - I get angry. >.< I have learned over the years that anger is not a good thing. Combined with stress it is actually hurting me. So, I turn my attention to others, I try to help them, I'm sure they don't want to be but for a short time, they put up with me. =]
So the stupidity? Really isn't. I need to keep believing in people - its who I am, I need to keep trying to be nice - its what I need, but I think I can do without the gullible part. People are different, not everyone is the same - I believe we are here to learn to co-habitate. I don't want ppl just like me, wow I would ANNOY myself non-stop =D.....I feel we should learn to love people for who they are - not who we want them to be. We should expect to be loved for ourselves - not what people expect of us and we should enjoy the differences that we have to offer.
I love the people in my life for who they are to ME...not to someone else. ♥
2010/05/16
Early Sunday Morning
The house is quiet at 1:47 am...there are times I like this. Peace and tranquility, settling down to hopefully go to bed soon.
So many arguments and contention in my home between the kids. I know somewhere I said I could handle this but enough is enough! One day, just one day without arguements or squabbles or accidental happens would be such a marvelous day. Haven't seen one of those seriously since the first time we went to Disneyland. The kids didn't argue, they agreed on rides, they took turns - It was HEAVEN...yes it made that the happiest place on earth for me that time. However, the next time, they were back to being pills. Grrr.
So next year is our 20th wedding anniversary. I decided it needs to be something big since everyone in my neighborhood and other friends are all getting divorced. So, I figure these days, 20 is the new 50 yr congratulations mark! My parents were married 49 yrs before my dad died - they would have made it to 50 and beyond and I guess they still are considering we believe that they are still married after death and together. That would make them having been married 60 yrs in November. =] Dean's parents 50th wedding anniversary party is in Oregon at the end of this month. We will be traveling up to have a family party to celebrate with them. I can't wait to see Dean's grandma - Eledice. I've missed her and have been thinking about her quite a lot lately. I'm really hoping that she is doing well and has no intention of leaving anytime soon since I'm supposed to sing at her wedding and these days my asthma makes me sing like a frog >.>.
Reba, Amy and Emily's birthday's were all on the 10th- Happy Birthday Ladies, I love you ♥. HS friends bdays, Shane, Shawn and AnnMarie all on the 3rd, Angela on the 30th. Mimi & Bruce's anniversary was the 2nd, James and Judy's the 3rd, Wes and Emily now the 5th. However, we still have Sarah whose bday was the 12th ♥ happy happy lady! Cherisa's on the 20th, Susan's on the 22nd, Heather's on the 28th, = Dean's was the 2nd and mine is the 26th. I'm sure I've missed some others - no wonder my mom wanted May to dissentegrate. :) This year on my birthday, I'm taking my personal perference leave and heading back to Nephi. AHHHH - they're taking me back to Nephi on my 40th birthday! How cruel. lol. I only ever had 2 teachers that made a huge impact on my life and anything that deals with them, I will show up to. First was Mr. G - President Greenhalgh/Mr Greenhalgh which ever you wanted to call him. He was my science teacher from 7th grade through 11th when he retired. I was his TA in both sophmore and junior years. Such a wonderful man - even after he retired he still would seek me out in church to make sure that my preparations for my sterling scholar were on track and would give me idea's. He was a friend of my parents and made it to my dad's funeral - I was the first he sought out- I love that man. The 2nd was my history teacher from 10th-12th grade. Not only was she the history teacher, she was the academic decathalon advisor, the cross country trip guardian and the general. She drove a harley to school when weather permitted, she is built like a german lady, short grey hair, great smile and you LEARNED when you were in her class - and it wasn't boring. She took some getting used to but I will never forget this woman and what she has taught me, Loreta Whicker. I figure while I'm in Nephi - I'm arranging for carpool just in case - that I would see about calling on some parents of friends I haven't seen in over 18 yrs - spend some time with other friends that show up at the reception for Ms Whicker and maybe go to lunch with a nephew and niece -or brother if he deems himself to be around =P.
So, I've been using Pat's back up wand for the past 2 weeks now. I feel guilty having it but she insists and since she has another for herself, I have agreed. The only thing I can figure is that it works like magnets - it manipulates or puts back into harmony, your energy field over the area needed. My chest hasn't ever gotten better since my last sinus infection - the wand has helped draw more of that out so I was able to go to the dr a couple of days ago and get a short term steriod that IS helping clear all the final crap out of my lungs. Actually, I think its helping my sinuses too - WOW, 2 for 1, who can complain! =] I've also started eating Quinoa (keen-wa)..its a Peruvian grain I guess you'd call it. It's about the size of a seed, has a nutty, seedy flavor. However, it is easily digestable, no gluten, no wheat and you can add it to food, eat it plain, or replace it with your pillaf or such. My zoner has discovered that for the past 1 1/2 yrs that my energy level is running at 30%. Not much energy to do anything and if I did, I was drained and out of it for the remainder of the day. Something is sapping about 40% of my energy but I can't afford my herbs that will help that yet - so I'm eating the Quinoa. Just a couple of tablespoons a day and I have ENERGY! I don't like the taste but I LOVE the side effect and will therefore continue to choke it down for the rest of my days. =P This dr I saw other night also prescribed for me a different sleeping pill. It worked the first night, last night it did shut my brain off, but not my body >.< so I slept ONCE I got to sleep...bah. I will continue to try it, and I am yawning - yes! Hopefully that means within the next 15 min. 2:30 am is TONS better the 4:30 or 8:30.
So many arguments and contention in my home between the kids. I know somewhere I said I could handle this but enough is enough! One day, just one day without arguements or squabbles or accidental happens would be such a marvelous day. Haven't seen one of those seriously since the first time we went to Disneyland. The kids didn't argue, they agreed on rides, they took turns - It was HEAVEN...yes it made that the happiest place on earth for me that time. However, the next time, they were back to being pills. Grrr.
So next year is our 20th wedding anniversary. I decided it needs to be something big since everyone in my neighborhood and other friends are all getting divorced. So, I figure these days, 20 is the new 50 yr congratulations mark! My parents were married 49 yrs before my dad died - they would have made it to 50 and beyond and I guess they still are considering we believe that they are still married after death and together. That would make them having been married 60 yrs in November. =] Dean's parents 50th wedding anniversary party is in Oregon at the end of this month. We will be traveling up to have a family party to celebrate with them. I can't wait to see Dean's grandma - Eledice. I've missed her and have been thinking about her quite a lot lately. I'm really hoping that she is doing well and has no intention of leaving anytime soon since I'm supposed to sing at her wedding and these days my asthma makes me sing like a frog >.>.
Reba, Amy and Emily's birthday's were all on the 10th- Happy Birthday Ladies, I love you ♥. HS friends bdays, Shane, Shawn and AnnMarie all on the 3rd, Angela on the 30th. Mimi & Bruce's anniversary was the 2nd, James and Judy's the 3rd, Wes and Emily now the 5th. However, we still have Sarah whose bday was the 12th ♥ happy happy lady! Cherisa's on the 20th, Susan's on the 22nd, Heather's on the 28th, = Dean's was the 2nd and mine is the 26th. I'm sure I've missed some others - no wonder my mom wanted May to dissentegrate. :) This year on my birthday, I'm taking my personal perference leave and heading back to Nephi. AHHHH - they're taking me back to Nephi on my 40th birthday! How cruel. lol. I only ever had 2 teachers that made a huge impact on my life and anything that deals with them, I will show up to. First was Mr. G - President Greenhalgh/Mr Greenhalgh which ever you wanted to call him. He was my science teacher from 7th grade through 11th when he retired. I was his TA in both sophmore and junior years. Such a wonderful man - even after he retired he still would seek me out in church to make sure that my preparations for my sterling scholar were on track and would give me idea's. He was a friend of my parents and made it to my dad's funeral - I was the first he sought out- I love that man. The 2nd was my history teacher from 10th-12th grade. Not only was she the history teacher, she was the academic decathalon advisor, the cross country trip guardian and the general. She drove a harley to school when weather permitted, she is built like a german lady, short grey hair, great smile and you LEARNED when you were in her class - and it wasn't boring. She took some getting used to but I will never forget this woman and what she has taught me, Loreta Whicker. I figure while I'm in Nephi - I'm arranging for carpool just in case - that I would see about calling on some parents of friends I haven't seen in over 18 yrs - spend some time with other friends that show up at the reception for Ms Whicker and maybe go to lunch with a nephew and niece -or brother if he deems himself to be around =P.
So, I've been using Pat's back up wand for the past 2 weeks now. I feel guilty having it but she insists and since she has another for herself, I have agreed. The only thing I can figure is that it works like magnets - it manipulates or puts back into harmony, your energy field over the area needed. My chest hasn't ever gotten better since my last sinus infection - the wand has helped draw more of that out so I was able to go to the dr a couple of days ago and get a short term steriod that IS helping clear all the final crap out of my lungs. Actually, I think its helping my sinuses too - WOW, 2 for 1, who can complain! =] I've also started eating Quinoa (keen-wa)..its a Peruvian grain I guess you'd call it. It's about the size of a seed, has a nutty, seedy flavor. However, it is easily digestable, no gluten, no wheat and you can add it to food, eat it plain, or replace it with your pillaf or such. My zoner has discovered that for the past 1 1/2 yrs that my energy level is running at 30%. Not much energy to do anything and if I did, I was drained and out of it for the remainder of the day. Something is sapping about 40% of my energy but I can't afford my herbs that will help that yet - so I'm eating the Quinoa. Just a couple of tablespoons a day and I have ENERGY! I don't like the taste but I LOVE the side effect and will therefore continue to choke it down for the rest of my days. =P This dr I saw other night also prescribed for me a different sleeping pill. It worked the first night, last night it did shut my brain off, but not my body >.< so I slept ONCE I got to sleep...bah. I will continue to try it, and I am yawning - yes! Hopefully that means within the next 15 min. 2:30 am is TONS better the 4:30 or 8:30.
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