Tired, Confused, Hurt, Sad, Reflective.....

This picture was actually Memorial Day 1999..just 6 months after my father died, as you can tell by the grass they were trying to get to grow. I know it's not Memorial day today but to me, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day both honor my Dad's life and sacrifices he made while in the service. All I want to say about Veteran's Day today is this: My father was not perfect, my father had many faults but also many great qualities. I am the person I am today because of the values he and my mother instilled in me. That includes a great love of country and even greater respect for what the flag means and the men and women who fight to keep it flying.

As you can see by the title, I'm still a bundle of emotions and what I consider stupidity. Yes, the control freak who is not allowed to be human :D, I prefer it that way. As a side note, I sit here at the kitchen table not one foot from the side door. My left hand is normal and my right hand is freezing. I would unplug my lappy and go sit in a warmer place but I am plugged in over here and I'm too lazy to move =]. There are stupid things in life to jealous of someone over...if we really knew what they went through and that we would have to do that also - would we really want whatever it is? Lol, yeah I know, RANDOM....this is the way my brain is functioning this week...think of something, doesn't fully compute but than moves on. *sigh

I teach Relief Society on Sunday. I think alot of my conflictivitis (yay new word!) has to deal with that. They are wanting something from me that I know is there, yet part of me is fighting it and refusing to let go. It doesn't make much sense to me but than again, if it did I wouldn't be conflicted would I? One of my issues is a self comparison to my mom. She taught Relief Society for years and would spend an entire month on just one lesson. Honestly? I don't even spend a week, I rely or used to rely on the spirit and inspiration. Yes, I know the lessons are different now, back than they didn't even have the little manuals just topics so you had to do a lot of research etc. I read my lesson and told Dean that the hardest thing was going to be how to make 3 pages (not 8x10 but like 7x5) last for an hour >.<. Helpful him said, get lots of participation and comments....mhm, good answer. However, on certain topics there is only so much that can be said until you all start repeating each other. I should not compare myself to anyone, I know that...I do....somewhere. It keeps trying to push it's way forward but the competitive perfectionist that wants to atleast be "just as good" keeps smacking it back and locking its door.

My forever quandry about friendship. I spend many nights rebuking myself, condemning myself, and berating. You see I have this need (according to those who really know me) to take the blame all upon myself. It doesn't matter that it was your choice or decision, somehow, I must have done something wrong that made you think that. My husband has always been totally confused by this and tried to convince me otherwise - have I ever mentioned how stubborn I am? - even a beautiful niece or two have noticed and tried to explain to me what really happened. =] I love them and I am glad that they care and love me....but to me, it's still my fault. I wish I could do as I tell others to *wink* and just forget them, they don't deserve you anyways....yeah, that would be really nice. Instead, when all is quiet in the house and everyone's asleep....my mind has way too much opportunity (cuz it's not distracted) to condemn myself. I read of people who take up running...run to get away from the emotional pain, run to not think....I want to do that. I want to get on a treadmill and last more than 5 minutes...walk around the block to visit someone and not feel like I'm gonna die when I get there. I do know, its step by baby step and resolve to not quit that makes it happen. As Will Smith has said, "I know that if you and I are on a treadmill, you're gonna get off first or I'm gonna die on the treadmill." So, can you like get on, forget something in the locker room and than jump back off to go get it?!?! :D

Blah

It's 11:20 pm and I should be done working by now....yeah well, isn't that the story of my life? I took my work downstairs so I could "watch" How to Train Your Dragon with the family but the wireless doesn't like that room and towards the end my 3 bars went to nada and therefore kicked me out of one of my programs. That program takes 20 min to reset itself - that's the one good point of switching software in November. Than of course just because Olivia needed a picture of an American Black Bear for her homework, my printer decided it doesn't print pictures and in fact, it doesn't want to print at all. Grrrrr. It printed Anthony's homework just fine 30 min before. Don't get me wrong, I love that Anthony has his own room but I am BEYOND annoyed that since I moved out of the office I cannot keep a solid way to work. Dean keeps trying things but of course, he's busy also so by the time he can help try to solve anything, I'm usually supposed to be working. ie: here I am up at 11:20 again. I've caught up with my hours for last week but my stats aren't showing it, so I am still trying to get those accomplished. I am grumpy, unhappy, annoyed, and most of it I point all directly at myself. Yes, I know I am "re"acting instead of acting, unfortunately that is something I fear I will deal with my entire life.

I'm "re"acting to something that happened last night or didn't happen I should say. No one's fault, just me criticizing myself beyond what is needed like normal. I get expectations and they make me happy and than they don't happen and I turn the fault to myself. I'm obviously not worthy of it, it was stupid of me to think, yeah, yeah you get the picture. My therapist tried her hardest to help me shut that voice up but nope, not even excercise and music blaring in my ears makes it go away and no, I don't feel better afterward. Mom used to wonder how I could do so many things at once, work, music or tv, phone on speaker, and a child in the room. How? or Why? why? so I don't have to listen to myself obviously....the quieter it is, the worse it gets. I used to feel like I had someone to vent most of it out on but she died 4 yrs ago. Friends really can't take that place, nor siblings. After a while they get fed up with how negative you get and they don't want to be around it - makes sense, I don't like to be around it. I know why Anthony is the way he is...he's like me and I'm 40 and haven't figured out how to help myself, how am I supposed to help him? I listen and I do what I can and mostly I am the mom, the one that he knows no matter what will listen to him, try to encourage him, and still love him - no matter how often or times he is negative. Yes, I know, I have a loving Heavenly Father that will do the same thing for me. I'm not stupid, I'm not spiritually dead, I'm momentarily lost and have a hole that needs to be filled. Those of you that have been there and found your way, I applaud you, those that have never been there have no idea what I'm commenting on - be glad. =] I was not always like this.... I was once strong in body and mind (ha ha okay maybe not so much in mind =P) and spirit... that's what attracted Dean to me and kept all the others away.

Anyways, I think this is the Lord's new test for me, I have a new calling. I am now one of the RS teachers. Teaching is no new thing for me I've taught the Marriage and Family Relations class, the Young Women, and the 12-13 yr olds in Sunday School. I was released from the last when my sleep deprivation started - I was not able to be there every Sunday and I felt bad for my partner. My sleeping has somewhat improved yet I now take a prescription drug that makes my mouth dry. A five minute conversation makes me sound like I'm smacking my lips >.<. I suck on life savers so hopefully the sisters won't mind me talking with my mouth full =P. I think this is the Lord's way of getting me back to attending Relief Society. My record of attendance looks pretty sparse in the past 4 yrs. That's a fully multi-page text that I've discussed before so I won't again. Again, recognizing what the real problem is, not the others around me, but myself. I tried to be my old self again today....I took a drink to a sister in the ward that lost her mom a few months back. She's been ill and on the outside appears that she's holding up much better than I. Anyhow, it was a total surprise to her which was nice. Lol, but notice how here I still am, now at 11:45pm ....trying to vent at something so that I can calm down and not cry myself to sleep tonight.

Halloween Weekend

Reading blogs =], signed up for this year's Nanowrimo 2010, finished all my fb games, and now am just delaying going to bed. I'm not sure why, I'm tired enough.

Halloween this year was boring. Dean isn't really into Halloween so all of my decorations from years past have been scaled down and I've almost gotten to the point where I don't put them up. Anthony and his friend Dan put some up for me outside this year and they passed out the candy also. I sat on my computer and answered email - said hi to parents and kids I knew - yes, I can see them from the doorway at the table. (my house isn't that big after all) The candy has already killed me when I saw that I've already gained 2 lbs. >.< psh. I took my doctor's advice ;) ha ha ha, Dr Leavitt told me to scale down so I did - I bought the Pillsbury Ready to Make sugar cookies with the ghost and pumpkin middles - sugar cookies done. I made little pumpkins but bought the icing =] done. Had friends up to watch a movie on Friday night, it was a - SQUIRREL - good time, always is with them. (yep we watched UP, they hadn't seen it)

Even with the scaling back, I still crashed hard today. ugh. The University Hospital is changing it's systems to EPIC. For forever, we have had two billing systems - one for the hospital and one for the doctors. It's confused patients for long enough and with Allegra (hosp) needing to be updated and they don't support Allegra anymore, it's time to change. This change has been in the works for about 3 yrs now. I will miss IDX (dr) dearly but Allegra coulda left LONG AGO! Starting yesterday, Sun 31st, the soft go-live took effect at 10am. Dean, being one of the trainers and Epic Certified was at work at 10am and got off at 6:30pm. He works these crazy shifts for the next two weeks. However, starting tomorrow it begins at 6:30 AM and ends for him at 7PM. Not nice at all - that means up at 4:30am. >.< Anywho, after he left bright and early I debated with myself over dragging my sicky, non-moving body out of bed to get to church. I figured I could atleast drive the kids and have a friend bring them home - however, Anthony (bless his heart) didn't get his laundry done so no one went. They sat down stairs and were erm...somewhat quiet...watching a marathon of The Munsters while I tossed and turned, moaned and groaned. I think I just might actually have to go see Dr Baxter this week and get something for this sinus infection - it isn't going anywhere but further into my lungs. =[

I've watched this season of Dancing with the Stars, mainly because Jennifer Grey is on it. She is one of my favorite actresses and she still looks great! I watch it and the old dancer in me is critical of those with no "musicality" (as they call it) and than envious of those like Jennifer who are older than me and can still dance. =[ I'm trying to get back there, just hoping my hips and back will hold out so that I can actually do something to head in that direction. It's been fun to watch and is filling in the gap nicely of my shows that currently aren't on =]. Gah, after 1am, hopefully I've wound down enough that I can just coast off to dreamland. Paix