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It's 11:20 pm and I should be done working by now....yeah well, isn't that the story of my life? I took my work downstairs so I could "watch" How to Train Your Dragon with the family but the wireless doesn't like that room and towards the end my 3 bars went to nada and therefore kicked me out of one of my programs. That program takes 20 min to reset itself - that's the one good point of switching software in November. Than of course just because Olivia needed a picture of an American Black Bear for her homework, my printer decided it doesn't print pictures and in fact, it doesn't want to print at all. Grrrrr. It printed Anthony's homework just fine 30 min before. Don't get me wrong, I love that Anthony has his own room but I am BEYOND annoyed that since I moved out of the office I cannot keep a solid way to work. Dean keeps trying things but of course, he's busy also so by the time he can help try to solve anything, I'm usually supposed to be working. ie: here I am up at 11:20 again. I've caught up with my hours for last week but my stats aren't showing it, so I am still trying to get those accomplished. I am grumpy, unhappy, annoyed, and most of it I point all directly at myself. Yes, I know I am "re"acting instead of acting, unfortunately that is something I fear I will deal with my entire life.

I'm "re"acting to something that happened last night or didn't happen I should say. No one's fault, just me criticizing myself beyond what is needed like normal. I get expectations and they make me happy and than they don't happen and I turn the fault to myself. I'm obviously not worthy of it, it was stupid of me to think, yeah, yeah you get the picture. My therapist tried her hardest to help me shut that voice up but nope, not even excercise and music blaring in my ears makes it go away and no, I don't feel better afterward. Mom used to wonder how I could do so many things at once, work, music or tv, phone on speaker, and a child in the room. How? or Why? why? so I don't have to listen to myself obviously....the quieter it is, the worse it gets. I used to feel like I had someone to vent most of it out on but she died 4 yrs ago. Friends really can't take that place, nor siblings. After a while they get fed up with how negative you get and they don't want to be around it - makes sense, I don't like to be around it. I know why Anthony is the way he is...he's like me and I'm 40 and haven't figured out how to help myself, how am I supposed to help him? I listen and I do what I can and mostly I am the mom, the one that he knows no matter what will listen to him, try to encourage him, and still love him - no matter how often or times he is negative. Yes, I know, I have a loving Heavenly Father that will do the same thing for me. I'm not stupid, I'm not spiritually dead, I'm momentarily lost and have a hole that needs to be filled. Those of you that have been there and found your way, I applaud you, those that have never been there have no idea what I'm commenting on - be glad. =] I was not always like this.... I was once strong in body and mind (ha ha okay maybe not so much in mind =P) and spirit... that's what attracted Dean to me and kept all the others away.

Anyways, I think this is the Lord's new test for me, I have a new calling. I am now one of the RS teachers. Teaching is no new thing for me I've taught the Marriage and Family Relations class, the Young Women, and the 12-13 yr olds in Sunday School. I was released from the last when my sleep deprivation started - I was not able to be there every Sunday and I felt bad for my partner. My sleeping has somewhat improved yet I now take a prescription drug that makes my mouth dry. A five minute conversation makes me sound like I'm smacking my lips >.<. I suck on life savers so hopefully the sisters won't mind me talking with my mouth full =P. I think this is the Lord's way of getting me back to attending Relief Society. My record of attendance looks pretty sparse in the past 4 yrs. That's a fully multi-page text that I've discussed before so I won't again. Again, recognizing what the real problem is, not the others around me, but myself. I tried to be my old self again today....I took a drink to a sister in the ward that lost her mom a few months back. She's been ill and on the outside appears that she's holding up much better than I. Anyhow, it was a total surprise to her which was nice. Lol, but notice how here I still am, now at 11:45pm ....trying to vent at something so that I can calm down and not cry myself to sleep tonight.