Today I finally cut my hair. It's been driving me crazy for the past couple of months. I was trying to grow it out so I could have my sister perm it for me but I couldn't find any perms anywhere! Of course, since I have now cut my hair, there are 4 boxes of perms at Dicks. >.< I had to laugh when at 10:15 tonight Anthony finally said to me, "how come your hair looks like Mandy's"? Yes, I finally got the A frame haircut that is so popular. I just wasn't sure it would look good on an old fat woman - I like to HIDE my double chin not cut my hair off so you can see it better =P. So far, it's okay, I'll decide more tomorrow when I actually have to do something with it for church.
The sicky bug has poked its head up at my house. Olivia and Ben both have sore throats again and Anthony sounds like it's already gone to his lungs. Lol, his voice gets even deeper when he's sick...Ben asked him to start reciting Darth Vader quotes! ;) Dean schedule is finally starting to taper off, it will be nice to have him back on regular work hours. There is a wonderful, crispness in the air! I just picture in my head my warm oven, three different items in various array of completeness (food), and me dancing to Holiday music as my kids shake their heads and stick their hands in the bowls. Hmm...sounds good. =] I've been kind of wanting to write, yet not...maybe I was wanting to write the wrong thing...idk, but I have the urge again tonight so be warned, you may stop here or it could be a long reading night.=]
The crispness of the fall air enveloped her as she stepped off the porch. Crunching, slithering sounds greeted her as each foot fall scattered the dry leaves before her. Bundled warmly with a long sleeved shirt and hoodie, only her nose received the bite of the fall day before her. Playfully she took a kick, than maybe another as a childish smile spread upon her face. Arms flung wide, head back and eyes closed, she inhaled the scent and chill of fall.... exhilerating! Taking in her surroundings she processed the beauty and glorious life of it all. Purple mountain majesties to her East, looking that way due to a fresh sprinkling of snow along the mountain tops. Leaves still clinging to tree's, leaves on the ground, all displaying their quiet grace and brillant colors. Truthfully, what a backdrop for a painters pallet this would be.
2010/11/13
2010/11/11
Tired, Confused, Hurt, Sad, Reflective.....
This picture was actually Memorial Day 1999..just 6 months after my father died, as you can tell by the grass they were trying to get to grow. I know it's not Memorial day today but to me, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day both honor my Dad's life and sacrifices he made while in the service. All I want to say about Veteran's Day today is this: My father was not perfect, my father had many faults but also many great qualities. I am the person I am today because of the values he and my mother instilled in me. That includes a great love of country and even greater respect for what the flag means and the men and women who fight to keep it flying.
As you can see by the title, I'm still a bundle of emotions and what I consider stupidity. Yes, the control freak who is not allowed to be human :D, I prefer it that way. As a side note, I sit here at the kitchen table not one foot from the side door. My left hand is normal and my right hand is freezing. I would unplug my lappy and go sit in a warmer place but I am plugged in over here and I'm too lazy to move =]. There are stupid things in life to jealous of someone over...if we really knew what they went through and that we would have to do that also - would we really want whatever it is? Lol, yeah I know, RANDOM....this is the way my brain is functioning this week...think of something, doesn't fully compute but than moves on. *sigh
I teach Relief Society on Sunday. I think alot of my conflictivitis (yay new word!) has to deal with that. They are wanting something from me that I know is there, yet part of me is fighting it and refusing to let go. It doesn't make much sense to me but than again, if it did I wouldn't be conflicted would I? One of my issues is a self comparison to my mom. She taught Relief Society for years and would spend an entire month on just one lesson. Honestly? I don't even spend a week, I rely or used to rely on the spirit and inspiration. Yes, I know the lessons are different now, back than they didn't even have the little manuals just topics so you had to do a lot of research etc. I read my lesson and told Dean that the hardest thing was going to be how to make 3 pages (not 8x10 but like 7x5) last for an hour >.<. Helpful him said, get lots of participation and comments....mhm, good answer. However, on certain topics there is only so much that can be said until you all start repeating each other. I should not compare myself to anyone, I know that...I do....somewhere. It keeps trying to push it's way forward but the competitive perfectionist that wants to atleast be "just as good" keeps smacking it back and locking its door.
My forever quandry about friendship. I spend many nights rebuking myself, condemning myself, and berating. You see I have this need (according to those who really know me) to take the blame all upon myself. It doesn't matter that it was your choice or decision, somehow, I must have done something wrong that made you think that. My husband has always been totally confused by this and tried to convince me otherwise - have I ever mentioned how stubborn I am? - even a beautiful niece or two have noticed and tried to explain to me what really happened. =] I love them and I am glad that they care and love me....but to me, it's still my fault. I wish I could do as I tell others to *wink* and just forget them, they don't deserve you anyways....yeah, that would be really nice. Instead, when all is quiet in the house and everyone's asleep....my mind has way too much opportunity (cuz it's not distracted) to condemn myself. I read of people who take up running...run to get away from the emotional pain, run to not think....I want to do that. I want to get on a treadmill and last more than 5 minutes...walk around the block to visit someone and not feel like I'm gonna die when I get there. I do know, its step by baby step and resolve to not quit that makes it happen. As Will Smith has said, "I know that if you and I are on a treadmill, you're gonna get off first or I'm gonna die on the treadmill." So, can you like get on, forget something in the locker room and than jump back off to go get it?!?! :D
2010/11/02
Blah
It's 11:20 pm and I should be done working by now....yeah well, isn't that the story of my life? I took my work downstairs so I could "watch" How to Train Your Dragon with the family but the wireless doesn't like that room and towards the end my 3 bars went to nada and therefore kicked me out of one of my programs. That program takes 20 min to reset itself - that's the one good point of switching software in November. Than of course just because Olivia needed a picture of an American Black Bear for her homework, my printer decided it doesn't print pictures and in fact, it doesn't want to print at all. Grrrrr. It printed Anthony's homework just fine 30 min before. Don't get me wrong, I love that Anthony has his own room but I am BEYOND annoyed that since I moved out of the office I cannot keep a solid way to work. Dean keeps trying things but of course, he's busy also so by the time he can help try to solve anything, I'm usually supposed to be working. ie: here I am up at 11:20 again. I've caught up with my hours for last week but my stats aren't showing it, so I am still trying to get those accomplished. I am grumpy, unhappy, annoyed, and most of it I point all directly at myself. Yes, I know I am "re"acting instead of acting, unfortunately that is something I fear I will deal with my entire life.
I'm "re"acting to something that happened last night or didn't happen I should say. No one's fault, just me criticizing myself beyond what is needed like normal. I get expectations and they make me happy and than they don't happen and I turn the fault to myself. I'm obviously not worthy of it, it was stupid of me to think, yeah, yeah you get the picture. My therapist tried her hardest to help me shut that voice up but nope, not even excercise and music blaring in my ears makes it go away and no, I don't feel better afterward. Mom used to wonder how I could do so many things at once, work, music or tv, phone on speaker, and a child in the room. How? or Why? why? so I don't have to listen to myself obviously....the quieter it is, the worse it gets. I used to feel like I had someone to vent most of it out on but she died 4 yrs ago. Friends really can't take that place, nor siblings. After a while they get fed up with how negative you get and they don't want to be around it - makes sense, I don't like to be around it. I know why Anthony is the way he is...he's like me and I'm 40 and haven't figured out how to help myself, how am I supposed to help him? I listen and I do what I can and mostly I am the mom, the one that he knows no matter what will listen to him, try to encourage him, and still love him - no matter how often or times he is negative. Yes, I know, I have a loving Heavenly Father that will do the same thing for me. I'm not stupid, I'm not spiritually dead, I'm momentarily lost and have a hole that needs to be filled. Those of you that have been there and found your way, I applaud you, those that have never been there have no idea what I'm commenting on - be glad. =] I was not always like this.... I was once strong in body and mind (ha ha okay maybe not so much in mind =P) and spirit... that's what attracted Dean to me and kept all the others away.
Anyways, I think this is the Lord's new test for me, I have a new calling. I am now one of the RS teachers. Teaching is no new thing for me I've taught the Marriage and Family Relations class, the Young Women, and the 12-13 yr olds in Sunday School. I was released from the last when my sleep deprivation started - I was not able to be there every Sunday and I felt bad for my partner. My sleeping has somewhat improved yet I now take a prescription drug that makes my mouth dry. A five minute conversation makes me sound like I'm smacking my lips >.<. I suck on life savers so hopefully the sisters won't mind me talking with my mouth full =P. I think this is the Lord's way of getting me back to attending Relief Society. My record of attendance looks pretty sparse in the past 4 yrs. That's a fully multi-page text that I've discussed before so I won't again. Again, recognizing what the real problem is, not the others around me, but myself. I tried to be my old self again today....I took a drink to a sister in the ward that lost her mom a few months back. She's been ill and on the outside appears that she's holding up much better than I. Anyhow, it was a total surprise to her which was nice. Lol, but notice how here I still am, now at 11:45pm ....trying to vent at something so that I can calm down and not cry myself to sleep tonight.
I'm "re"acting to something that happened last night or didn't happen I should say. No one's fault, just me criticizing myself beyond what is needed like normal. I get expectations and they make me happy and than they don't happen and I turn the fault to myself. I'm obviously not worthy of it, it was stupid of me to think, yeah, yeah you get the picture. My therapist tried her hardest to help me shut that voice up but nope, not even excercise and music blaring in my ears makes it go away and no, I don't feel better afterward. Mom used to wonder how I could do so many things at once, work, music or tv, phone on speaker, and a child in the room. How? or Why? why? so I don't have to listen to myself obviously....the quieter it is, the worse it gets. I used to feel like I had someone to vent most of it out on but she died 4 yrs ago. Friends really can't take that place, nor siblings. After a while they get fed up with how negative you get and they don't want to be around it - makes sense, I don't like to be around it. I know why Anthony is the way he is...he's like me and I'm 40 and haven't figured out how to help myself, how am I supposed to help him? I listen and I do what I can and mostly I am the mom, the one that he knows no matter what will listen to him, try to encourage him, and still love him - no matter how often or times he is negative. Yes, I know, I have a loving Heavenly Father that will do the same thing for me. I'm not stupid, I'm not spiritually dead, I'm momentarily lost and have a hole that needs to be filled. Those of you that have been there and found your way, I applaud you, those that have never been there have no idea what I'm commenting on - be glad. =] I was not always like this.... I was once strong in body and mind (ha ha okay maybe not so much in mind =P) and spirit... that's what attracted Dean to me and kept all the others away.
Anyways, I think this is the Lord's new test for me, I have a new calling. I am now one of the RS teachers. Teaching is no new thing for me I've taught the Marriage and Family Relations class, the Young Women, and the 12-13 yr olds in Sunday School. I was released from the last when my sleep deprivation started - I was not able to be there every Sunday and I felt bad for my partner. My sleeping has somewhat improved yet I now take a prescription drug that makes my mouth dry. A five minute conversation makes me sound like I'm smacking my lips >.<. I suck on life savers so hopefully the sisters won't mind me talking with my mouth full =P. I think this is the Lord's way of getting me back to attending Relief Society. My record of attendance looks pretty sparse in the past 4 yrs. That's a fully multi-page text that I've discussed before so I won't again. Again, recognizing what the real problem is, not the others around me, but myself. I tried to be my old self again today....I took a drink to a sister in the ward that lost her mom a few months back. She's been ill and on the outside appears that she's holding up much better than I. Anyhow, it was a total surprise to her which was nice. Lol, but notice how here I still am, now at 11:45pm ....trying to vent at something so that I can calm down and not cry myself to sleep tonight.
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