Anxious but not engaged.....

Heard the term anxiously engaged? Yes a lot of people use it for those about to get married and can't wait; however, it's really meant for being involved in something that you are excited about. Yeah well, that isn't me at the moment. I don't know why I'm anxious, I hate my anxiety. One of the best ways to describe it is a constant feeling of nerves: if I'm laying down I feel like I have to use the bathroom, if I'm sitting up I feel like ...ok you don't need to know that one. Let's just say neither feeling is pleasant and makes the feeling more anxious. I really didn't expect my anxiety to come out after the funeral, I thought more the depression and a little of that has - however, it brought a companion - yippee! -_- Not.

I went to the garden yesterday with 6 teenage boys (ages 14,16,17,&18), 1 teenage girl age 16 and my daughter (10). Let's just say that these boys don't weed as well as girls and if any of them had a complaint about being there I didn't hear it. It was really nice for once to have company out there that was just chatting along, cracking jokes, making fun - it was more fun and seemed to go quicker. I paid them all in Slurpee's from 7'11 since Chevron's Icee machine was broken. $20 for 1 1/2 hrs work from 8 kids? I consider myself LUCKY and blessed. Anthony is FINALLY, finally finding some really good kids that like him for who he is and that he has a good time with. Just like his mom poor kid, took me until I was a senior also. He posted on facebook tonight how his Great Grandma's funeral has helped change him and he finally feels free to be himself around everyone. I don't think it was the funeral but just being with the cousins he normally doesn't get to see, getting to hang with just them, doing service for Grandma & Grandpa with them and sharing a little bit of the responsibility in the driving. The last time he went to see Sarah my reflexologist, she commented how he is MUCH improved emotionally, which I'd already seen - now we are working on confidence in schoolwork :).

I digressed lol, like that isn't normal =P. The garden is doing REALLY well, I'm so excited to see that things are growing and taking shape. I harvested all the lettuce - 2 full baskets (large baskets) full and it should start regrowing again. There are flowers on my tomato's already, my zucchini plant is getting HUGE, the pea's are nice and tall - in fact I think I need to go get some ladybugs, I think I've got some aphids. Besides the raccoon, the SNAKE - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - ahem, that the kids just found yesterday - it's all good :)....gulp. I don't do snakes...just saying. He can stay just as long as I never see or hear him. ugh- shivers. The raccoon was actually kind of cool but BIG. There are a couple of densely populated tree's on the neighbors acreage so it wasn't really surprising. I haven't seen him since and Tyson hasn't said he caught him; however, I'm sure he'll come back around once my tomato's and corn start coming on. >/ than he won't be so cute. I have about 1/3 of my basket of lettuce left to wash and put away. Unlike carrots or cucumbers, my lettuce will wilt if I leave it so I can't *sigh.

We're home...

Once again I've gotten very good at controlling my feelings/emotions on the outside. I am sure that is not what the PTSD has tried to teach me, in fact, quite opposite I'm sure. However, when given an assignment at someone's funeral it's a little hard to break down before or during so that you know you tried your best. I sent flowers to the funeral home, wrote on the card without Dean knowing what it said. We visited the funeral home about 2 hrs after arriving in Pendleton. Grandma looked like my parents did - plastic and felt the same. That always helps me - to see them as I remember but to feel them and know that the personality and spirit that I loved is no longer trapped inside that "shell" but can still be with me if it chooses. I showed Dean the flowers I had ordered - they had them out front next to the viewing book. The card read: To our most treasured natural resource we love you and will miss you Grandma; with all of our names. Okay, Dean lost it. His grandma pretty much raised him from the time he was born until he was old enough to go to school - so until about 5. They always lived close enough that she was a constant in his life and attended everything. Grandma was an only child and only gave birth to two child, Corry and Tod. Her grandkids were her life - she loved being surrounded by them, taking care of them and helping them in anyway she could. At 70 when she came to visit us, she would play hide and seek with my boys - wow, the energy and love that woman had.
We didn't sleep well the night before the funeral - Dean kept running his talk through his head and trying to push emotions back, I never sleep well in hotels and my song was bugging me. I had met with Dean's mom for about 45 min that night to show her what I had done to the song and for us to practice. When we left the shiver had left my voice, it was coming out stronger and she FINALLY had it down lol. We were to meet at 9 am the next morning - the funeral home would be there than and family prayer was at 9:50am. She didn't arrive until 9:40 - no time to practice and that didn't help me AT ALL. I said a prayer and I think only because of that was I able to even get words and notes out. I swear it was not up to par - my contacts were blurred and stuck to my eyes and I could NOT read the freaking hymnbook! Good thing I had taken out the lines that I had a hard time memorizing >.<. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and it showed in my voice - ugh - no matter WHAT I tried. I looked at the wall, the clock, the book - didn't matter - still shook - shit. And was breathy, what the heck! I took an allergy pill, used BOTH inhalers! grumble grumble...I TOTALLY could not find my alto note - gone from my head when I got to "I need thee every hour" so I sang Soprano which is okay, I would normally sing that but hadn't been able to hit the notes lately ...I was blessed to hit them that day so that one part went well. =P gadzooks.
Dean's talk was wonderful, I knew nothing about it and he brought up some memories with Grandma that he had never even told me about...I like that part of funerals. :) Everything else went smoothly...this funeral home was different but I won't criticize, I will just be grateful that it is over and that Grandma is now at peace.
Trip pitfalls? Hmm, almost being hit by a car cuz Anthony didn't look before going out >.<, Anthony over correcting on the way home and scaring the living hell outta me!, Ben losing his camera out at the cemetary but thankfully they found it:) and just ALOT of running people around, other people's kids to watch and little down time. But we are home now, safe and sound - no accidents THANK YOU, THANK YOU! - no injuries except for Anthony's self esteem when all the family left and really didn't say goodbye even though they knew we were leaving the next morning....I'm used to, unfortunately he's old enough that now he cares and understands..ugh crap. Dean's father had knee replacement surgery the Monday before Grandma died - he got out of the hospital Friday afternoon and she died Saturday afternoon. He did remarkably well for only being out of the hospital for less than 5 days and getting around where he needed to. Family from the other side came down for the funeral so we got to see cousins that Dean used to live with when he married me, that was fun.
All in all it was a short trip but hopefully we now have a weekend to recoup or heal or both. We are grateful for friends and neighbors, many comments and nice thoughts sent our way and someone even mowed my lawn! That in itself made my boys weekend! lol..paix

Arriving.......

We’ve stopped for lunch and gas in Mountain Home….the normal half way mark for us. I keep telling myself that I can’t have a problem until after the funeral on Wednesday. Mentally I am listening to myself; however, physically my body is not. One of the things I hate about PTSD, you cannot control what your body is deciding or doing – it just does it. On a lighter note, I have figured out my song. Grandma wanted Hymn 108, The Lord is my Shepherd and for some reason I’ve been having a hard time memorizing the 3rd verse and it doesn’t feel like it fits to me. I brought the Hymnal with me and have been practicing while Anthony has been driving and it finally dawned on me. I will be mixing Hymn 108 with Hymn 98, I need thee Every Hour. The verses will go as such:
The Lord is my Shepherd, no want shall I know; I feed in green pastures, no want shall I know, He leadeth my soul where the still waters flow, Restores me when wandering, redeems when oppressed; Restores me when wandering, redeems when oppressed. I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord, no tender voice like thine, can peace afford. I need thee every hour, most holy one, oh make me mine thine indeed, thou blessed son. I need thee, oh, I need thee. Every hour I need thee! Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to thee. Thru the valley and shadow of death though I stray, since thou art my Guardian, no evil I fear. They rod shall defend me, thy staff be my stay. No harm can befall with my Comforter near, No harm can befall with my Comforter near. I need thee every hour….the Lord is my Shepherd….my comforter near.
Maybe spending another day in Oregon will be a good thing in case I crash after the funeral. This is beginning to feel like my mom’s funeral – I was fine for little while.