Once again I've gotten very good at controlling my feelings/emotions on the outside. I am sure that is not what the PTSD has tried to teach me, in fact, quite opposite I'm sure. However, when given an assignment at someone's funeral it's a little hard to break down before or during so that you know you tried your best. I sent flowers to the funeral home, wrote on the card without Dean knowing what it said. We visited the funeral home about 2 hrs after arriving in Pendleton. Grandma looked like my parents did - plastic and felt the same. That always helps me - to see them as I remember but to feel them and know that the personality and spirit that I loved is no longer trapped inside that "shell" but can still be with me if it chooses. I showed Dean the flowers I had ordered - they had them out front next to the viewing book. The card read: To our most treasured natural resource we love you and will miss you Grandma; with all of our names. Okay, Dean lost it. His grandma pretty much raised him from the time he was born until he was old enough to go to school - so until about 5. They always lived close enough that she was a constant in his life and attended everything. Grandma was an only child and only gave birth to two child, Corry and Tod. Her grandkids were her life - she loved being surrounded by them, taking care of them and helping them in anyway she could. At 70 when she came to visit us, she would play hide and seek with my boys - wow, the energy and love that woman had.
We didn't sleep well the night before the funeral - Dean kept running his talk through his head and trying to push emotions back, I never sleep well in hotels and my song was bugging me. I had met with Dean's mom for about 45 min that night to show her what I had done to the song and for us to practice. When we left the shiver had left my voice, it was coming out stronger and she FINALLY had it down lol. We were to meet at 9 am the next morning - the funeral home would be there than and family prayer was at 9:50am. She didn't arrive until 9:40 - no time to practice and that didn't help me AT ALL. I said a prayer and I think only because of that was I able to even get words and notes out. I swear it was not up to par - my contacts were blurred and stuck to my eyes and I could NOT read the freaking hymnbook! Good thing I had taken out the lines that I had a hard time memorizing >.<. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and it showed in my voice - ugh - no matter WHAT I tried. I looked at the wall, the clock, the book - didn't matter - still shook - shit. And was breathy, what the heck! I took an allergy pill, used BOTH inhalers! grumble grumble...I TOTALLY could not find my alto note - gone from my head when I got to "I need thee every hour" so I sang Soprano which is okay, I would normally sing that but hadn't been able to hit the notes lately ...I was blessed to hit them that day so that one part went well. =P gadzooks.
Dean's talk was wonderful, I knew nothing about it and he brought up some memories with Grandma that he had never even told me about...I like that part of funerals. :) Everything else went smoothly...this funeral home was different but I won't criticize, I will just be grateful that it is over and that Grandma is now at peace.
Trip pitfalls? Hmm, almost being hit by a car cuz Anthony didn't look before going out >.<, Anthony over correcting on the way home and scaring the living hell outta me!, Ben losing his camera out at the cemetary but thankfully they found it:) and just ALOT of running people around, other people's kids to watch and little down time. But we are home now, safe and sound - no accidents THANK YOU, THANK YOU! - no injuries except for Anthony's self esteem when all the family left and really didn't say goodbye even though they knew we were leaving the next morning....I'm used to, unfortunately he's old enough that now he cares and understands..ugh crap. Dean's father had knee replacement surgery the Monday before Grandma died - he got out of the hospital Friday afternoon and she died Saturday afternoon. He did remarkably well for only being out of the hospital for less than 5 days and getting around where he needed to. Family from the other side came down for the funeral so we got to see cousins that Dean used to live with when he married me, that was fun.
All in all it was a short trip but hopefully we now have a weekend to recoup or heal or both. We are grateful for friends and neighbors, many comments and nice thoughts sent our way and someone even mowed my lawn! That in itself made my boys weekend! lol..paix
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