Drama vs Comedy

Drama can be entertaining right? *eye roll* This blog is supposed to be entertainment for some of my buds, the truth of my life for me and well maybe it's just too depressing for others at times. Welcome to my life, as the blog states, It's NOT Perfect by any means, way or form. I haven't been wanting to post downers lately but that seems to be what has come about. I believe it's due to Grandma Eledice's funeral. My PTSD seems to have taken 5 steps back since we first heard she was going catatonic. I MADE myself get through the drive to and from Oregon, all the family functions, the viewing, the funeral, my singing - even though my body kind of didn't let me get through it how I wanted :(. I would feel my body taking over, the feelings of angst, wanting to curl up into a ball, cry constantly and for no reason, get away from people, etc etc. However, I couldn't DO any of that. There were 2 cars and 3 drivers. Anthony went and hung with one of his favorite cousins that he never see's and a cousins hubby - so that made only 2 drivers. I had to go places, I couldn't hide, so I doped myself up, steeled myself, and put my mask on. I guess I thought I could crash when I got home and that would be the end of it but it's week 2 of being home and it hasn't - oh bother.

Anthony went with the Adam's up to their cabin this weekend, he hasn't been for awhile and decided he wanted to go off jumps on the ATV he hasn't ridden in oh 4 months. Yep, he crashed. Thankfully though he fell arm first, skidded, flipped onto his back and whipped his head around. He says he didn't feel anything but the motion regarding his head - THANK YOU THANK YOU Susie for making them WEAR their HELMETS! He is only scratched up and bruised and I am very happy to say that. I used to have nightmares when I was pregnant with him that even though he was in my womb I still couldn't protect him. I would dream that I would fall down the stairs or someone would stab me in my belly. Lol - yes, you all know how psycho I am now - deal with it. :D

Went to the garden on the 6th to learn how to do the water gates & turns for the irrigation water. Got my feet nice and wet, which actually HELPED stopped the dripping of sweat from my forehead - ewwww. SWEAT - EW~! I'm sorry but I can't STAND to sweat, nor glisten its just ick. There, now you have one of my quirks too - shudder. Anywho - Tyson walked me around, moved the gates, explained things and than we had to wait. Do do do - ha ha it really wasn't that bad considering that Tyson is really a nice guy and a good listener. Yes, scary combo for him since I have the GIFT of gab. However, I did learn some pretty fun facts about Tyson and what makes him tick. Anybody know of a good lady out there we can set him up with? He is currently dating but still looking as of yet - lol. It's been storming the last couple of days so I haven't had a chance to get back to the garden and see how big my plants are now. I had around 6 zucchini's already sprouting and 2 pumpkins that I could see - YEEHAW! I'm so excited that the garden has actually WORKED - who'd have thunk it? I know I'm really good at growing weeds but real plants? :D

I found a book about being an author by the current author I am reading and loving. Her name is Janet Evanovich. Emily I recommend her to you, I think you would LOVE these books but I started on HIGH FIVE not book one - yep they are all numbered and go up to 17 - the latest. I don't recommend these for all people, simply because she throws the F bomb in there helter skelter and there is one sex scene - multiple sexual innuendos however, hers are nice, they aren't crude and they leave LOTS to your imagination - which could be good or bad. *Back on track....* I picked it up at the library today and once I'm finished with book 16 - I totally intend to read it and hopefully find it useful! I'm been thinking alot lately about starting my edits on the book I completed...honestly I don't even remember if I named it! Ha ha ha ha ha, wow, great author I am ;).

Life Thoughts by Ducky...and me?

I signed up for an excercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't you know it............brain cells come and brain cells go but FAT cells live forever!

Don't argue with an idiot.......people passing by may not be able to tell the difference.

(My Favorite......)
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

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Next to Maxine the Ducky cartoon sent to me via email was excellent.

Lately I've been trying to re-examine myself, my stupidity with my emotions and the lack thereof that I have to control them. I look at my set of friends that I've pushed out of my life. I still care for all of them but for some reason or other I shut the door on them and have tried to not have any contact. Don't get me wrong, my curiosity would kill a truckload of cats each hour on the hour so I usually know in some way or other how they are or that they are still okay in their own little worlds. Tyler - I pretty much adopted this kid in my heart but too many things just didn't make a complete puzzle. He claimed he would tell me anything I wanted to know - question ended up was I an idiot to believe him? We had a huge argument 2 yrs ago, he came back 6 mo later and stayed about 6 months than left again - no word. Last year he sent an email saying Hi, wanting to know how I was and how our mutual friend was. When I told him I no longer spoke to her he never replied. He sent me an email THIS year - out of the blue wanting pictures that he had sent me and drawn for me (supposedly). When I sent them he wanted to small talk - I'm no good with small talk when water isn't fully under the bridge. He claimed to be "shocked" at my reactions to talking to him, I told him he could disappear for another year - he has. I told that to Brandon who laughed - this is not my normal response to people unless you've done something to me that you haven't cared to explain or just don't care about. I seriously wonder if T just has a multiple personality disorder or what. It's like I was talking to 2 different people most of the time, one calm, one aggressive - one nice, the other deliberately using me. I guess I will never know. :) Brandon - I have known this kid since he was 14, he turns 20 in October. We've had ups and downs, deletions, scream fights (online of course) and we've had a lot of fun. I don't approve of some things Brandon does but that doesn't mean I don't like Brandon. Right now he's on my computer on fb and the cptn of one of my alts on YPP but we really don't talk - we both still have baggage hanging out there and water kind of stopped up not being allowed to flow. We've tried and discussed a few things but there are still some very personal items that are still there mainly on my end - his end just doesn't care, that is probably my biggest problem. Those are the teenagers - than there are a few adults.
Heather, is probably reading this. I know she checked my blog a couple of months ago - probably like me, just checking to see that I'm okay and everything is alright. I met Heather threw one of my teenage friends - they were friends in real life. This teenager died and asked me to help look after Heather. I love Heather, she has had more crap in her life than any one person should ever have to put up with or deal with. I've been on the other side of the computer when some of that has gone down - that's a very hard situation to be in - knowing something is happening but unable to do anything or help. Heather did her best to be the kind of friend she felt I deserved but that included us lying to each other. She not telling me what really was going on and me not telling her everything in my life because I knew she couldn't handle it or fully understand it. That's okay, but that's not a good ground for a friendship. Heather does amazing for herself and her son considering her life - most people would have given up long ago but she keeps fighting and surviving. I'm hoping that I am through enough of my PTSD to try friendship again with her, I miss her. I couldn't handle what was going on with her and my own mental/emotional life disappearing, I had to make a choice and for my family I chose me. Mel - hmm :) Mr Mel, my M&M - hard and crunchy on the outside but melt in your mouth soft on the inside. I literally bullied my way into Mel's life and he let me. I will always be grateful and I miss him the MOST of any of my lost friends. Mel would stay up with me when my body wouldn't let me sleep - he'd keep me company on YPP or we would just talk if I was working. Nine hours was our record - lol, we chatted from midnight to 9 one day because I couldn't sleep. We learned alot about each other, not important stuff of course - the silly quirks, stuff like that. We mostly learned that even though our worlds are VASTLY different, we liked alot of the same things - theater, movies, books, music and games. Mel is the little brother I never had, me the big sister he never had..we once were that close. Than I did something at the time felt right because I was scared and worried and had gone through something similiar with Heather. Because of our differences he freaked, he bolted, and than I did what I do best and I started to blame myself. Martyr (he called them) emails from me trying to understand what I did wrong were sent for over a month - wow, I guess I never got over being whiny or needy....crap. We finally started talking again but it was never the same. Log on's with no acknowledgment of the other being on, no texts, no IM, no games, only fb and that was gaming talk about every 3 to 6 weeks. I lost my second best friend and I figured I had to deal with it - obviously it was hurting me more than him since he still was texting, IM'ing and gaming with others. So unfriended him on fb and as of today I haven't spoken to him in 4 months. I don't know which was worse not hearing from him for 4 weeks at a time or now not hearing from him at all....*sigh.
Maybe my problem is that I really don't know how to be a friend. I've always felt that I've had better friends than I was in return and I've tried to fix that. Unfortunately I haven't hit any middle good ground yet and I'm either too much or too little. :( One day hopefully I will figure that out.

What is PTSD

I guess it was PTSD awareness day earlier this week. A marine wife who has recently been abused by her husband with PTSD posted and wanted to know everyone's thoughts about PTSD with no arguements. Since PTSD is fairly new with everyone - only the last 30 yrs been around, I decided that I would try to explain some things. Most people are aware the PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Syndrome and are a little aware of what the symptoms are; however, the question I hate the most is: "So why do you have PTSD?" 0.o....It's bad enough having it let alone having to explain it. The question sounds more like an accusation than a concern for my welfare, like they think I've made it all up and am just looking for attention. First off, you really CAN'T fake PTSD, it can totally ruin your life and those that you love - there are better ways to get attention. Second, everyone reacts to everything differently - don't judge me. No one knows what goes on behind ANY closed door unless I decide to tell you and if I have it, I sure as heck DO NOT want to explain it - it makes me relive it and puts me back about 5 steps in my healing process.

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death. Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. "Reliving" the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Repeated upsetting memories of the event
Repeated nightmares of the event
Strong, uncomfortable reactions to situations that remind you of the event

2. Avoidance

Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don't care about anything
Feeling detached
Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma
Having a lack of interest in normal activities
Showing less of your moods
Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event
Feeling like you have no future

3. Arousal

Difficulty concentrating
Startling easily
Having an exaggerated response to things that startle you
Feeling more aware (hypervigilance)
Feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger
Having trouble falling or staying asleep

The only treatments besides drugs to help with the "symptoms" is a good social support group and "desensitizing" which encourages you to relive the trauma and talk about it.

I've written about it, I've talked about it, I've seen a psychologist, my drug "cocktail" is finally down to only 2 pills a day. However, my immune system is crashing which explains the systemic candidias, the constant sinus/ear infections, and sounding like I've smoked for 20 yrs due to my asthma. Most don't know but yes, I was one of those that were the 1 in 500 born with almost no immune system. Luckily my father was in the military and it was 40 yrs ago so I received Gamma Globulin shots every 2 weeks for the first 2 yrs of my life, than it went to every month, than every other month until I was 8 yrs old. To most that know me well and didn't know that, a lot of things you thought were peculiar or irrational about me now should make perfect sense. :) Like my unlike of Dr's of ANY kind, my fear of Dr offices, and don't EVER let me see a shot needle. Gamma globulin injections are usually given in an attempt to temporarily boost a patient's immunity against disease. Injections are also used to boost immunity in patients who cannot produce gamma globulins naturally because of an immune deficiency.

I've had PTSD now for 4 yrs. I am FINALLY able to say that to people and here, even though I've always known I had it. Time is one of the best healers. For me, time and my reflexologist who helps keep my immune system going and my adrenals at a normal level. I should really see her once a week for the latter but money-wise that isn't possible so that's okay. When you have PTSD, your Adrenals or your "fight or flight" adrenaline never shuts down...one of the reasons it is a high anxiety disorder. I've forever tried to explain to people how my reflexologist has helped me with my PTSD and finally I can say, she helps to center me. She helps "awaken" the moods and emotions that the PTSD has tried to shut down. She helps to quiet down my Adrenals that scream constantly and therefore, allows me to get SOME sleep and amount of relaxation. I see nothing listed above for PTSD that talks about abusive behavior - abusive behavior is a learned behavior.