Going too fast........

Holy Crap Summer is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

My kids start school in 2 freaking weeks - 2 weeks!  I have done no school shopping, clothing or supply wise - we have most Dr/Dentist appts done but glasses not ordered.  I think I am falling behind and I don't like it.  Anthony has the opportunity to go to EFY (Especially For Youth) up at BYU Idaho this next week.  I am really excited for him, I hear nothing but good stuff and about good friendships that come from EFY.  His cousin Terry is going with him, they should have an amazing time.  However, that does not leave me much time to get his schedule squared away and some decent looking clothes on him before school starts.  We are heading to my sister's cabin for a get away the week before school - however, there are outlet malls in Park City...hmm, I think I like that idea. =D

Ben has a Dr appt up at PCMC on the 17th with a pediatric cardiologist.  I'm really hoping there is nothing seriously wrong, that it is an adrenal problem - ok I know that can be serious - but I would know where the adrenal problem comes from and they could hopefully prescribe something that would help.  Poor kid is like his mom now and has a hard time getting his body to shut off so he can sleep - no not his mind, his body.  I'm told he's in constant fight or flight mode like me - ugh, I am doing this to my child and there is nothing I can do about it.  I absolutely hate it. 

I am finding new idea's for my next romance book.  I still haven't edited the first - I think I'm afraid to.  Lol, I already have idea's on what I want to edit out and add but I'm afraid that once I get started I'm going to get caught up in my storyline again and totally forget how I wanted it changed.  I'm known to do that you know, my brain train goes off the track and never returns on multiple occasions. =]  I started a book called "Bear Trapped" and I believe I will use the same characters but in a different situation - than maybe I can get past writing only two pages. =D   As far as my "Learning to Love Myself" goes, for now I am just writing.  Writing as the inspiration hits, or the problem manifests itself.  One day I when I feel that that part is complete, I will have to print all my blog enteries and than try to figure out how to mesh them together to where they make sense.  Ha ha....yeah, that will take a whole other lifetime. =]

One of the things I am finding with playing Puzzle Pirates again are inspirational stories of these new people I meet.   I find that  where some people are concerned, I am easy to talk to - this I like, because I am the worst curious cat in the world.  I've made a new British friend.  I make a habit of saying Hi to everyone who logs on while I am on or those that where there when I got there.  Most people don't - that's rather annoying to me, it's nice to be recognized or atleast acknowledged that you exsist.  Goldrolex was one of these pirates, after so many "hey's" he started asking me to help on his pilly's.  Than we started just chatting - most people try to sound snarky or flirty on the ocean so I was a little concerned.  However, now that I know his story and that he has a "Miss" lol his wife, a son and one due anytime I am much more comfortable chatting on vent during game time.  It is so fun to hear people's accents and the way they play the game.  It's good to know that I am not the only one who talks to her computer when I booch a job - Lol.  I digress - back to Gold...there was a pirate on two nights ago that was drunk as a skunk and a royal pain in everyone's keester!  He was removed from the crew and yeah - it was just an interesting night.  Well, the captain today was chatting with me and Gold when I asked how it resolved.  He was drunk, he doesn't even remember being on the game. 0.0  -_-  seriously?  Pfft.  Gold made some pretty good points about him.  First off let me say, I have yet to meet one person on the game that doesn't have a problem of some kind - we are all human right?  But I mean, most are depressed or have some other problem - why else do you go to another reality (game) and play with other real people  - to escape your own reality of course.  Yes, its a virtual field of roses for a wanna be "needs to help" person like me.  Anywho - Dark (drunk pirate) his parents are drunks, they beat him growing up and now he is a drunk, battling, etc.   Than Gold told his story.  Gold ranaway at 13 - his mom's boyfriend was beating him, she wouldn't believe him.  He was homeless for 3 yrs, did the rounds with drugs, alcohol - I'm sure you name it.  However, he is now 23 - 10 yrs later, he has a good job, a mortgage on his own house, a wife and kids.  He's proud of what he's accomplished to be where he is today but not of who he is.  I told him he should be proud of both.  Not many people have the courage or the strength to pull themselves out of the streets, out of addiction, and turn their lives totally around for the good.  Many of us use excuses to stay in our homemade hell, use the fact of being alone (or no support) to stay in our comfort zones instead of finding a better place that would contain love and support.  I like making new friends in other countries, hearing their stories of accomplishment and success, cheering them on as they continue forward and taking a little of their strength and inspiration and moving myself just a little further down the road than I was before.   Paix. ♥                     

A matter of trust

It hit me today.  I don't know when and I don't know why but it finally hit me.  I have trust issues.  I expect and crave trust from others and yet I don't trust them. 

I was thinking about what I blogged about yesterday, about how I remove people from my life before they get sick of me or feel like I am protecting them from myself.  What I'm really doing is protecting myself from being hurt, the possibility.  I don't TRUST that they would accept me, the real me.  I don't trust that they could love me for who I am, what I am, the things I do.




Wow, hindsight....it really sucks.

Sunday Morning Therapy

I purchased a book a couple of years ago called "Feelings buried alive never die".  A friend of mine in Canada was going through therapy, they were using this book, so I bought it and told her I would read through it with her.  Well things happened, she didn't get through the book and neither have I yet.  It continues to sit in my pile of  "MUST READ" books along with my newest that Dean got me for my birthday, "Through His Eyes, Rethinking what you believe about yourself".  Do you see a pattern here?  Lol, yes, there is a definate pattern here and it is the pattern of my life.  I have fought depression since I was in my teens and when I had to read "Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather for an Independent Study course I started to fall in love with self-help.  I have been to seminars, I have read and collect books, and yet, here I still am.  In a way  I don't think this is bad, I believe that becoming the person you want to be and could be is a life long process.  Things happen, roads go from smooth to rocky to non-exsistant, walls get built, walls fall down and sometimes our worlds seem to crash around us.  "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger".  Yes, this is true, but I believe we have to acknowledge that we are still here - not dead - and move forward, letting ourselves know that we are stronger and we have won.  We need to congratulate ourselves on succeeding, on being, and overcoming.

With that said, I have pulled that book out today and told myself I will do some reading in it.  Enough with escaping into non-reality to hide, I need to once again face hard things - accept them, adjust, grow stronger and move on.  I've already degressed in my PTSD since Dean's grandmother's funeral so now is the time to try to help myself climb back up the couple of steps that I fell. 

Losing friends is never easy - especially when you have no one to blame but yourself and they are unforgiving.  I've mentioned before that I do not see myself as a good friend.  I don't know what my few friends think but as far as I am concerned they are far better friends to me than I am to them and I thank them for that, and I also feel guilty for that.  I feel that I demand too much, ask too much and that they grow weary of it all.  That is a self realization that I do not cherish and am finding that I do not know how to correct.  I feel that I pull away instead letting people get too close or I delete them from my life before they can tire of me.  Most just leave of their own accord, drifting away until suddenly they are no longer there.  For the first time in my life, some one I deleted because I felt it was what they wanted (no I didn't ask, I assumed because of the way things had become) has now blocked me from their life.  I am a child.  I yearn for affirmation that someone still loves me and that my thoughts weren't correct, the stupid things I tell myself are misguided.  So this is new and I'm not sure how to feel.  It feels like they have corroborated my feelings, that I was right all along and they had been pushing me out.  Whenever I push someone away because I feel that I am saving them from me or that it is what they want, I still reach out to them through out time - just to test the waters, just to see if I was mistaken.  This is the first time I've been shunned and by someone I had actually trusted with part of me.  Now, I do what I feel is logical.  I retreat.  From everyone.  If one person has rejected me I feel that others must feel the same way and simply are too nice to say anything or to show it.  I start to rebuild my walls around my heart and brandish a new mask that keeps everyone at bay.  This is no way to live.  I hate this.  I have been working on this since I was 16 and I never seem to be able to get it right.  No, that is a false statement.  From the years of 17 through 20 I was fine.  I was self assured, I knew who I was and I finally didn't care what other people thought.  I found good - not popular but GOOD friends who loved me for me and for the first time since middle school, I didn't have any bullies.  Which totally makes me laugh that I would ever have had any.  I was the friend protector in elementary school, I was the one that beat the little boys up when they annoyed my friends and I had lots of friends and actually boyfriends. Lol, maybe I should just blame all of it on raging teenage or starting teenage hormones. :)  But I won't.  I'm typing this, I'm facing facts, acknowledging myself and my feels whether they are right or wrong and my perception which I'm pretty positive has always been skewed. =P