zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Atleast I wish I was sleeping.  However, thankfully I am getting tired  - that is a plus.  Wow, my house is SOOO quiet.  Anthony not being here to stir up his little brother and sister or holler with friends while playing video games is sad.  Not that the other two aren't noisy enough when we all get home in the evening. :)  Anthony hasn't even texted us or responded to his schedule text 0.0 .... I really hope this is meaning that he is having too great a time to even think about his cell phone.  He was excited to go and couldn't wait until we left so that he could "be" - that's a pretty cool thing to see.

This week is starting to go by fast and is filled with crap and I can feel my body responding to it.  No, not in a good way.  I go to bed - set my alarm, dreading when it will ring and wishing I could sleep.  However, I've been waking up a good 30 min to hour before my alarm is set to go off!  Seriously?  Ugh.  That means I've had ...erm... maybe 15 hrs sleep in the last 72 hrs? My brain and mouth aren't communicating again which really ticks me off  - I sound like such a complete idiot because I seriously can't think of words.  I can work and I can even find some mistakes but I can't explain it to you or tell you - pfft.

Later today, after she gets off work, Olivia will be heading down to her cousins for a few days.  Yep, just Ben home.  I asked him today - "You kind of like it don't you?" ...I got a sheepish - "Ya".  Worries me a little but he atleast gets showered, dressed, chore done, and eats before he heads for the video games or calls his friend to come over and play the video games.  Hoping that his cousin will be able to trade with Olivia and come back with me  - they like to hang out together and rarely get the chance to.  Dean's parents arrived in town tonight - took us to dinner, visited for a bit and are headed to Eagle Mountain tomorrow.  Dean's little brother has evaluation appts for cocular impants (I know I spelled that wrong) and since my sister in law is still having some problems - they will help with transportation and information.  Dean's dad had a knee replacement last month and is getting around really, really well.  However, after 5 hrs in the car today - he was tuckered out and they headed back to the motel. 

Learning how to do another set of payroll - lots of splits, seems all 7 properties like to share employee's, they have overtime, and there was  a holiday. >.<  Thankfully Susan entered it into the system so that she was able to make corrections as she went along.  Tomorrow, I do what I learned 2 weeks ago - lol, we'll see how much I retained. =P

Going too fast........

Holy Crap Summer is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

My kids start school in 2 freaking weeks - 2 weeks!  I have done no school shopping, clothing or supply wise - we have most Dr/Dentist appts done but glasses not ordered.  I think I am falling behind and I don't like it.  Anthony has the opportunity to go to EFY (Especially For Youth) up at BYU Idaho this next week.  I am really excited for him, I hear nothing but good stuff and about good friendships that come from EFY.  His cousin Terry is going with him, they should have an amazing time.  However, that does not leave me much time to get his schedule squared away and some decent looking clothes on him before school starts.  We are heading to my sister's cabin for a get away the week before school - however, there are outlet malls in Park City...hmm, I think I like that idea. =D

Ben has a Dr appt up at PCMC on the 17th with a pediatric cardiologist.  I'm really hoping there is nothing seriously wrong, that it is an adrenal problem - ok I know that can be serious - but I would know where the adrenal problem comes from and they could hopefully prescribe something that would help.  Poor kid is like his mom now and has a hard time getting his body to shut off so he can sleep - no not his mind, his body.  I'm told he's in constant fight or flight mode like me - ugh, I am doing this to my child and there is nothing I can do about it.  I absolutely hate it. 

I am finding new idea's for my next romance book.  I still haven't edited the first - I think I'm afraid to.  Lol, I already have idea's on what I want to edit out and add but I'm afraid that once I get started I'm going to get caught up in my storyline again and totally forget how I wanted it changed.  I'm known to do that you know, my brain train goes off the track and never returns on multiple occasions. =]  I started a book called "Bear Trapped" and I believe I will use the same characters but in a different situation - than maybe I can get past writing only two pages. =D   As far as my "Learning to Love Myself" goes, for now I am just writing.  Writing as the inspiration hits, or the problem manifests itself.  One day I when I feel that that part is complete, I will have to print all my blog enteries and than try to figure out how to mesh them together to where they make sense.  Ha ha....yeah, that will take a whole other lifetime. =]

One of the things I am finding with playing Puzzle Pirates again are inspirational stories of these new people I meet.   I find that  where some people are concerned, I am easy to talk to - this I like, because I am the worst curious cat in the world.  I've made a new British friend.  I make a habit of saying Hi to everyone who logs on while I am on or those that where there when I got there.  Most people don't - that's rather annoying to me, it's nice to be recognized or atleast acknowledged that you exsist.  Goldrolex was one of these pirates, after so many "hey's" he started asking me to help on his pilly's.  Than we started just chatting - most people try to sound snarky or flirty on the ocean so I was a little concerned.  However, now that I know his story and that he has a "Miss" lol his wife, a son and one due anytime I am much more comfortable chatting on vent during game time.  It is so fun to hear people's accents and the way they play the game.  It's good to know that I am not the only one who talks to her computer when I booch a job - Lol.  I digress - back to Gold...there was a pirate on two nights ago that was drunk as a skunk and a royal pain in everyone's keester!  He was removed from the crew and yeah - it was just an interesting night.  Well, the captain today was chatting with me and Gold when I asked how it resolved.  He was drunk, he doesn't even remember being on the game. 0.0  -_-  seriously?  Pfft.  Gold made some pretty good points about him.  First off let me say, I have yet to meet one person on the game that doesn't have a problem of some kind - we are all human right?  But I mean, most are depressed or have some other problem - why else do you go to another reality (game) and play with other real people  - to escape your own reality of course.  Yes, its a virtual field of roses for a wanna be "needs to help" person like me.  Anywho - Dark (drunk pirate) his parents are drunks, they beat him growing up and now he is a drunk, battling, etc.   Than Gold told his story.  Gold ranaway at 13 - his mom's boyfriend was beating him, she wouldn't believe him.  He was homeless for 3 yrs, did the rounds with drugs, alcohol - I'm sure you name it.  However, he is now 23 - 10 yrs later, he has a good job, a mortgage on his own house, a wife and kids.  He's proud of what he's accomplished to be where he is today but not of who he is.  I told him he should be proud of both.  Not many people have the courage or the strength to pull themselves out of the streets, out of addiction, and turn their lives totally around for the good.  Many of us use excuses to stay in our homemade hell, use the fact of being alone (or no support) to stay in our comfort zones instead of finding a better place that would contain love and support.  I like making new friends in other countries, hearing their stories of accomplishment and success, cheering them on as they continue forward and taking a little of their strength and inspiration and moving myself just a little further down the road than I was before.   Paix. ♥                     

A matter of trust

It hit me today.  I don't know when and I don't know why but it finally hit me.  I have trust issues.  I expect and crave trust from others and yet I don't trust them. 

I was thinking about what I blogged about yesterday, about how I remove people from my life before they get sick of me or feel like I am protecting them from myself.  What I'm really doing is protecting myself from being hurt, the possibility.  I don't TRUST that they would accept me, the real me.  I don't trust that they could love me for who I am, what I am, the things I do.




Wow, hindsight....it really sucks.