It's the 24th of July and in Utah that means state holiday. It's Pioneer Day, the day many that still live in Utah celebrate when their ancestors came across the plains in handcarts and covered wagons and entered the Salt Lake Valley. What once was desert is now a thriving state and yes, we are grateful for that. =]
What have we done? Lol, absolutely NOTHING! WAHOO! Ok, I guess I can't say it that way - we've been getting children ready to go in all different directions, plus grocery shopping, typical Saturday stuff.
Just in case any of you know- my blog AND my website have tracking devices. I guess the old addage holds true of even something good can be used for bad. I don't consider I used it badly yet my friend sure does. =[ I was not trying to be snooping I was simply looking at my map overviews. I can pretty much tell who is from where - except I have some from South Dakota? Really? and Wyoming?? 0_o weird but hey, COOL. =] I am trying to resign myself that I may never get to chat to my only best friend that isn't my husband again. All because I cared too much, I worried horribly, and I googled his name to find his land line - I have his cell but he has no minutes. =[ He didn't say anything to me at first but he knew - I didn't of course, I never found out which number was correct, still don't know - and than five days later WHAM! I get hit with accusations of giving his info out to everyone and how he doesn't believe in "coincedants" that after I called suddenly he's getting all these out of country calls. I can't describe how that feels. At first I just got really pissed because he was pissed at me and screaming on IM. We HATE to fight simply cuz he is Irish and I am Irish - lol and NO ONE Wins! HA. So we try really hard not too - so I have to wonder was he boiling for 5 days before he exploded on me? and why? Why wait? I know his secrets, I know why he would get pissy at me - but I DIDN'T DO IT~!!! I checked my lappy for spyware and viruses - nothing my norton is fully functioning and the paper with the #'s did NOT have a last name on it and it's over in my shredding bin waiting to be burned. He trusts me - and what hurts is that now he doesn't and he doesn't give trust out at all. I know, I have to be patient, give him some time -but HOLY HELL! The guy was sicker than a dog for 2 weeks, plus some other stuff and I haven't really chatted with him in 3 1/2 WEEKS! =( I miss him....terribly. He was reading my book on my website but that is how I tried to find him so I'm sure he will never set computer on that again. :( boo - cuz I finished that book and have started another and he doesn't know it.
UGH....*sigh* I'm kind of calm but just my normal impatience of WHEN? WHY? and NO! =] Heading to Cracker Barrell....a good week is coming up - just no internet connected with it. 0_0
2010/07/24
2010/07/22
Wake Up
Wow... the one thing about self realization is that number one I do it all too well =P and two you humbles you beyond recognition at times. What am I rambling on about this time? Friends of course or lack there of or in better terms, the cremation of. It is that time of "morning" as I sit here alone in the dark and my internet starts to go wacky, that I can hear my thoughts jumble and tumble around. We can call it sleep deprivation, medication switch, or *e shrugs just let it ramble. I have always known that I hold a high standard for friends, yet don't expect the same from myself. Eyah, that might be ...never mind. Anyways, I have only ever really had two great friends - GIRL friends in my life. The first was Robin - from 7th grade until 9th and than Stephanie, who still is my friend in a long distance, never talk to each other kind of way. =S
No one likes to admit their faults, everyone tells you to concentrate on the positive - well that's great but how do you "overcome" the negative if you don't confront it? I know, I know, I can hear Dean now saying to me...confront it yes, dwell on it no. Pfft. My husband I and are very different in more ways than anatomy. Back to my story....so, in school I must have been "best friends" with every girl in my class (not exaggerating, tiny school) atleast once from 3rd to Sr year. I had GUY friends that lasted from 3rd through Sr year and continued to have best guy friends until I got married. Than, I married my best friend - Dean - my version of our engagement is not romantic which is interesting since I am a die hard romantic - Dean's version is - ask him. I know that the Lord placed me with him for my own good. I love my husband, as I watch shows where people are with others not their spouses I cringe. No it isn't just my upbringing or religion but something more inside of me - value and love. Real love, not fantasy, not make believe but love like assisting me in the bathroom when my back seized up, love like putting up with a hysterical wife who's not only lost her mother but also her dad and than had a miscarriage...love and patience as obviously no one else cares to show me.
You see I'm a strange duck...no comments. I get bored easily, with anything...who knows was I ADD and no one just knew what it was in school? I doubt it - I had no troubles in school graduated with a 3.87 (stupid freshman year =P). I mention the ADD though because I get bored easily, because it is normal for me to usually be doing 3 to 4 things at once. If I am doing only one thing and having a hard time concentrating - I'm gonna freak on you cuz that's just not me. My job - very true- is very boring, very repetitive. Therefore, it is no surprise that you used to find me with work in front of me, movie or music in the background, a telephone conversation that's lasted already an hour and kids around. That was life, that was normal, that was me. That was me with confidence, of which I'm slowly trying to rebuild. Thankfully I'm back to atleast doing two things at once =] but sometimes that's pushing it. I mention this side story so that you understand that I love people, love my friends, but I get bored really easy - which is why my side of my engagement is not romantic - if it had been, I would not have stayed....but it wasn't and I saw, I know, and feel what Dean is in my life... he is essential. So, one of the things that Dean has had to begrudgingly accept is my friends.....I still have or did have guy friends. Thankfully though, they all lived far away and he had no need to be jealous and just kept reminding me, don't get too involved.
Okay, I would like a show of hands, when someone allows you into their life, their emotions, just HOW do you NOT get involved? Anyone? It's impossible - he just didn't want me hurt, well niether did I or do I but you know what- it's me and I seem to make the relationships turn out a certain way. Dean is the only man/friend in my life that I have not been able to push away - yes I know that most of it is the fact that he's married to me and doesn't believe in divorce and says that its part of the give and take in marriage. I was going to add more but just this line comes to mind...."You know your friends by their loving power, and you know their love by their staying power".
Paix
2010/07/11
You are blessed because you allow yourself to be.
Dean has been telling me that on and off for over a year. However, it is very difficult to allow yourself to be blessed when all you can see are your faults and when you have a medical problem, your medication does not work.
I still am not sleeping as I wish, yet it is so much better than it has been, I will not complain in the least. Almost two weeks ago, my family doctor switched my medication for my depression. When all this started three years ago, I was suffering from Post Traumatic Syndrome - the stress that holds my life together all these years, finally became too much and bubbled over continuously to were I seriously thought I was losing it. Not easy to "lose it" when you have children at home you need to tend to, a home, a job, and a husband - oh yeah church callings. It took them over a year to figure out a cocktail that would enable me to survive each day, not be myself but just simply to do what I needed to and have the energy to push myself there. That then depleted my energy and two years ago I started to not have enough energy to even sleep at night. My body would collapse into an exhausted, not rejuvinating but exhausted sleep some time after the kids left for school and I again "survived" on merely 4 to 5 hrs of sleep a day and would crash on the weekends when Dean was home and I knew I didn't have to be front and center.
Many doctors tried to tell me my pills won't do it by themselves, you have to work on you too and they were right. So last year I started seeing a reflexologist with an amazing gift of sight. Friends looked at me and with respect said that's great, yet at the same time did not believe in what she was doing for me. One commented, "it's all hocus pocus and gibberish, there isn't anything they do for you that you can't do yourself". =] He was right; hoewever, I believe that there are times in our lives that we need to be told what to do, to help us get to the next step. I was not listening to myself anymore and because of that seeing my therapist didn't work. The reflexology and other items that Sarah has used for me, have helped me to regain my energy, my point of view, and best yet, allowed me to assertain what she says and apply it to my life. Isn't that what ANY self help is about? Taking what someone else has learned and than applying the portion that pertains to you, into your life. I'm still not 100% where I used to be, the amount of stress I used to handle on the job, let alone in my personal life would simply incapacitate me now. Best part? I am learning that that is okay. I don't need to be supermom and superwoman 24/7...its okay to let some of it go, its okay to delegate, and its much better for everyone if I actually allow others to help me once in awhile.
We have been trying for so many years to come out from underneath debt, etc. They couldn't be more right when they say that it enslaves you. Part of my regret and shame that I heap on myself is the fact that I have been a working mother - albiet from home- since day one of each of my children's lives. I need to let go of that. I cannot turn back the clock and suddenly quit to raise my children, I cannot take back their years of growing up when I needlessly got irrate with them for disrupting me while working - weren't they the reason I was working from home? This one has been huge to me. I listen to conference talks and the brethern, the RS lessons and only see where upon I have failed. I should be looking at my beautiful, funny children and be forever grateful that they didn't turn out any worse than they did! lol.
This past week, the Lord has asked to bless us and we let him. =] I received a bonus that we were not expecting, which allowed us to trade in our Van that we were upside down financially on. For the first time ever in buying a car, we were able to put money down which in turn allowed us to purchase "our new" used vehicle. It is sturdier, more roomy, has more niceities, and our payment is $150 LESS each month.
Even with a down payment, there is still money in my checking account, food on our table, and we now RESTART again - lol- our missing savings account for Christmas. Life truely is beautiful, yet it becomes more clear as to how beautiful it is when you allow the Lord to bless you. May he bless you all, because I love you. ♥
I still am not sleeping as I wish, yet it is so much better than it has been, I will not complain in the least. Almost two weeks ago, my family doctor switched my medication for my depression. When all this started three years ago, I was suffering from Post Traumatic Syndrome - the stress that holds my life together all these years, finally became too much and bubbled over continuously to were I seriously thought I was losing it. Not easy to "lose it" when you have children at home you need to tend to, a home, a job, and a husband - oh yeah church callings. It took them over a year to figure out a cocktail that would enable me to survive each day, not be myself but just simply to do what I needed to and have the energy to push myself there. That then depleted my energy and two years ago I started to not have enough energy to even sleep at night. My body would collapse into an exhausted, not rejuvinating but exhausted sleep some time after the kids left for school and I again "survived" on merely 4 to 5 hrs of sleep a day and would crash on the weekends when Dean was home and I knew I didn't have to be front and center.
Many doctors tried to tell me my pills won't do it by themselves, you have to work on you too and they were right. So last year I started seeing a reflexologist with an amazing gift of sight. Friends looked at me and with respect said that's great, yet at the same time did not believe in what she was doing for me. One commented, "it's all hocus pocus and gibberish, there isn't anything they do for you that you can't do yourself". =] He was right; hoewever, I believe that there are times in our lives that we need to be told what to do, to help us get to the next step. I was not listening to myself anymore and because of that seeing my therapist didn't work. The reflexology and other items that Sarah has used for me, have helped me to regain my energy, my point of view, and best yet, allowed me to assertain what she says and apply it to my life. Isn't that what ANY self help is about? Taking what someone else has learned and than applying the portion that pertains to you, into your life. I'm still not 100% where I used to be, the amount of stress I used to handle on the job, let alone in my personal life would simply incapacitate me now. Best part? I am learning that that is okay. I don't need to be supermom and superwoman 24/7...its okay to let some of it go, its okay to delegate, and its much better for everyone if I actually allow others to help me once in awhile.
We have been trying for so many years to come out from underneath debt, etc. They couldn't be more right when they say that it enslaves you. Part of my regret and shame that I heap on myself is the fact that I have been a working mother - albiet from home- since day one of each of my children's lives. I need to let go of that. I cannot turn back the clock and suddenly quit to raise my children, I cannot take back their years of growing up when I needlessly got irrate with them for disrupting me while working - weren't they the reason I was working from home? This one has been huge to me. I listen to conference talks and the brethern, the RS lessons and only see where upon I have failed. I should be looking at my beautiful, funny children and be forever grateful that they didn't turn out any worse than they did! lol.
This past week, the Lord has asked to bless us and we let him. =] I received a bonus that we were not expecting, which allowed us to trade in our Van that we were upside down financially on. For the first time ever in buying a car, we were able to put money down which in turn allowed us to purchase "our new" used vehicle. It is sturdier, more roomy, has more niceities, and our payment is $150 LESS each month.
Even with a down payment, there is still money in my checking account, food on our table, and we now RESTART again - lol- our missing savings account for Christmas. Life truely is beautiful, yet it becomes more clear as to how beautiful it is when you allow the Lord to bless you. May he bless you all, because I love you. ♥
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)