Not an Excuse

Well I made a comment on facebook but I decided I needed to vent to that it was "OUT" of my system.  I guess there are times in your life that you know something may not be the best for you but it's something you want and/or it makes you happier for a short time.  In ways, it's good...you get to feel the joy so that you know there is a counter to the pain, you learn that everyone has their own problems that can't be solved or shared no matter how much you may want to help.  I've mentioned before that I make online friends because I have a problem making real life ones .  I am a very social person, I thrive on being around people and hate being alone....therefore, having anxiety while being around people has been very difficult for me over the past 5 yrs.  I have reached out than to people online, so that I am surrounded (in a sense) yet alone.  Most of these people are willing to share a bit of their lives with you, its nice to know that someone cares about your problems somewhere. 

So here is the stupidity lately.  When I went back to my game 5 months ago I found some adults that played, that played like my old friends and was excited.  We became a nice little group and it was fun!  Well a couple of us got close but I guess too close because even though I was on facebook, msn, and on game I was not allowed to be interested in their real life.  Heaven forbid I should be worried about someone's brother who is late getting home or whether or not their job interview went well.  Okay, I guess my idea of a friend is WAY wrong....pfft.  Anyway, when I heard that, I deleted them.  I'm me, I cannot stop caring just because you don't want to share with me, I cannot just "play" with you once I've gotten to know you and not be  curious when you are having a bad day or want to cheer you up.  This person was offended I guess that I deleted them on game because they said we could only exsist "in game".  Well - they obviously don't know me very well.  About 3 weeks later, after they "cooled off" we agreed to try to be friends again.  Back on facebook, msn, and acknowledging again on game.  Chatting on msn was fun, there is a new girlfriend, new job prospect, things were doing good for them.  Than I sent a message on facebook about a request from the Queen of the flag on game and made the mistake of saying "if you are otherwise occupied, when you are done she would like you to get online".  This offended the new girlfriend who saw the text message.  I was than told "you are SO annoying, I told you we can only be friends on game, stop the fb, stop the msn".  0.0 wow...really?  He set up MSN to talk to me, so don't log on than?  And it's my fault that your fb msgs go to your cell phone and that you allowed your girlfriend to read it and she has no sense of humor?  Get real!  Once again, I have deleted them.  Blocked on facebook, deleted on msn, muted on game and dismissed from any working crews.  Within 2 days he acknowledged what I had done in game and started his in game campaign against me.  I am now "immature", I cannot seperate real life from game life and I am hurting the flag because I withdrew my alts from his labor stall and my crew should be dismissed from the flag.  0.o I know I'm a little prejudice but honestly? Who is acting more immature here?  I figure, he can't handle being my friend off game, he can't handle me on game since I am the same person in both places.  I believe it is MY decision who my friends are in either place, where my pirate alts work and don't work since I pay for their badges and the Queen could not dispute that since I joined the flag, NO ONE who is not royalty has done MORE for the flag than me and now my crew.  I'm sorry but I'm confused.  When he didn't want me around, why is he throwing a fit that I'm not?!?! I am not a big believer in having your cake and eat it too - been stuck in that situation most of my life...I'm the too (the excuse) never the cake.

On another note, I broke up a fight between my nephews sitting in my driveway.   The one nephew has pretty much left the church even though he will tell you he hasn't.  He doesn't believe in the prophet, President Monson, he believes that weed is listed in the D&C as an approved herb from the Lord, he believes that his parents have sheltered him his whole life and therefore ruined it for him.  He therefore wants his little brothers to know the "real world" and to bring it into my sisters home.  He wants them to hear him use every cuss word known to man, he wants them to know the smell of weed and its benefits and I could go on and on.  I will just say that he is to the state of mind that no matter what you say to him, it will be bent to his will, his interpretation and his benefit.  Dean and I have discussed the fact that I am not always at church.  I am home more than I am at church.  I know this disgusts some of my family.  Dean and I have talked, I have a current recommend, my Bishop and I have talked.  There are things that I can't handle emotionally, I try and when I force myself I end up crashing physically - it takes everything out of me.  I still hold my calling, I still teach my lessons, listen to conference, etc etc.  At this time in my life, just because you don't see me at church doesn't mean I still don't have a testimony, doesn't mean I have left the church don't have my values anymore.  Unfortunately, I tried to simmer down a comment about the difference between being "spiritual" and being "religious".  I was commenting on how difficult it is to remain religious while not going to church as it is something I myself was struggling with - that you can be spiritual but it is different.  ERG...I was than the "excuse" for his behavior in a discussion with his mother later that week, "well Kathee said she is having my problems also".  I don't believe I said that, man I really hate how people twist words to suit themselves and their situations.

Fall in the air......... ahhhhhh

3 loaves of bread, 2 8X8 pan's of brownies, homemade stew and a good book.  I fear I am almost done with all that I can read in the books that Iris Johansen has written.  This makes me sad, I really enjoy her books...so I guess in a little bit I will be off to find another new author.  I have a couple on hold at the library to try, I've just really enjoyed the mix of people, situations, intrigue and that in most of her books I'm finding that she tells the next character's story in the next book. =]  I love that!  So far, I've seen the life of one character in 4 books and she's expanding through other books the other characters and people that surround them...how fun and intriguing.

If you read anything on my facebook wall within the past week, you'll see that I've deleted two of my newest and closest pirate friends.  One I miss but am okay with deleting.  I've always had a knack for attracting people who's lives are completely different than mine.  My mom used to call it lost puppy syndrome, I call them friends.  I call it learning about life, being grateful for the life I have and was given and learning an appreciation for those that I get to know in real life and online.  Neither of these guys were over 30 - in fact, one was 23.  He is the one I think I'm okay with losing - and I don't say that losing a friend in fact I'm sad that I've hurt him.  His comment to me was that anytime anyone gets close they leave...and I didn't intend to and he's a nice guy.  However, I will admit that he wanted more than I was willing to give, which understandably upset him but he respected me for that also.  Unfortunately, when I chose to leave, he threw my life back in my face and apparently didn't understand me all that well at all.  I'm saddened by that and by his hurt feelings but the way things were going had to stop and the only way I knew to stop them was by pulling away - completely.  On the other side if you know me well at all, you know that I won't stay away if I have any say in it - I don't like hurting people and I don't like losing friends.
The other guy our relationship went fast...almost too fast and I think it freaked him.  Usually guys like Harv are cool, aloof and impersonal.  It has to do with being in the military and since my dad was that way, I totally get it.  My last friend I lost, Mel wasn't military but was a bouncer - same type of protective instincts and closed off personality.  I had to worm my way into Mel and his life - ok worm is not the right word, more like bulldoze.  I didn't need to do that with Harv and I think it took us both back a little and he ran....sort of.  Unfortunately he did what I can't emotionally handle - he withdrew...giving just enough of himself each day to keep me around but nothing else - no playing (pillying) or stuff that I was used to - total absence, just a name on a screen.  For a reason unknown and still unknown to me - his excuses where just that, excuses.  He knew it and I knew it and I could feel it wasn't about to change...so I left.  I totally left.  I deleted him on facebook, msn, and from all my shoppes on game and him as a hearty on game.  After a day of wretching pain I could think and focus better and I tried to reach out - twice.  A fault of mine...I can't leave things be, I hate for people to be hurt by me or think badly of me, I want to leave things on an even keel.  I have enough problems without adding friends that are now enemies to my list.  Well, unfortunately it didn't work, I don't even know that he read what I wrote him- I just know that I'm now a "stalker" and I'm muted on the game.  Sigh...but weird ...because I don't really feel like I've lost him or maybe I have and that was the gut wretching pain I felt and than disappated.  I don't know...I never know...ugh how annoying. =P

Under the weather....

Which is really annoying in more than one way.  For the first part, Fall is my absolutely favorite season of the entire year.  Most years I feel cheated because it lasts maybe just 2 weeks in Utah - >.< seriously?    This is why I love Fall.....

1.  The crispness in the air.  I am a 70 degree person all the way.  I love the comfort and security of a hoodie and a slight bite in the air allows me my favorite clothing.  It also feels fantabulous!
2.  I can BAKE!  With Fall here it means holidays and holidays mean BAKING to me!!! Happy, happy, happy me....baking is an escape and a way to show my love for others.
3.  Beauty all around.  Fall means color change .... the mountains, the tree's, the flowers....in Utah if your lucky you can even catch green grass, sprinkling of white snow, and beautiful red and yellow leaves. =] Gorgeous.
4.  Windows are OPEN....A/C is OFF....what more can I say =].

Anyways....I hate my body.  Well besides what I see in the mirror =P...I am falling apart.  I have actually been falling apart since I was born BUT....everyone's old addage of being over 40 makes it worse has come to pass.  Bah.  I have worked on computers for ...forever!  Before Anthony was born I got checked for Rhuematoid Arthritis - the diagnosis was that it was either Carpal Tunnel or RA but they couldn't say which at that point because they have the same symptoms and I have RA titters.  They did say that since than - so from age of 23, I've had Osteo Arthritis.  Usually it doesn't bug me unless there is a major jet stream coming through  - but now - instead of my wrists, its my freaking SHOULDER!  From working the mouse - really?  I can barely move my shoulder some days to do my hair >.< and it is working through my neck and down the front of my trapizoids?  Anyways - that comes and goes.  However, I have these lovely lungs.  Ugh.  I was diagnosed with reactive asthma about 6 yrs ago - they say it comes from my allergies.  So, whenever I start wheezing I resist going to the Dr - I know he will just say it's allergies are you using your inhaler?  Than Dean always heads to the Dr and comes back with bronchitis - yep got it from me >.< - and than another week or two - heading into about 6 wks now my chest hurts and I've started an antibiotic because I wheeze constantly, my chest hurts, my sinuses are killing me.  I've woken up twice with Asthma attacks in the middle of the night - really?  Never happened before and really scary.  Uh - the pleasures of getting old.

 

Fun things:  Anthony and Arianna went to Layton Homecoming this past weekend. =]

I go my hair recut - and highlighted - you can't see much of it here but that's okay =P.  It's supposed to have sides but I haven't been in the mood to put up with them so they are pushed behind my ears >].