Awoken by the rain...

I love the rain; the smell, the feel, the sight, and the sound.  I guess you could say it appeals to 5 of my 6 senses which makes it almost perfect.  The fact that it delivers nourishment and relief to my flowerbeds that have been suffering in the over seasonably heat just makes it that much better.  I love flowers, they appeal to 5 of my 6 senses also; unfortunately, I don't always have the time or energy since my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) came into full rage to tend or cultivate them.  Doesn't mean I've stopped buying them or trying, it simply means that sometimes I have to acknowledge that I still can't do everything I used to and learn to be okay with it if some of my beautiful flowers die on my watch.  Not a happy thought, as a recovering perfectionist, but hey, I'm recovering isn't that the point? :)

Over the past month, since my last uplifting appointment with my reflexologist Sarah, I have noticed that I have started to be "interested" in things again.  Its hard to describe, almost like awaking from a deep sleep, remembering the things that used to interest and excite you, remembering your dreams and wants you had in life.  While this is all good and great, it is still frustrating.  Wanting what you used to have; yet still having the limitations of your illness is hard.  Wanting to be normal again, putting on that 'I'm normal" face for everyone each day (yes, I admit it is easier to fake being normal than try to explain to people for the umpteenth time - people who should already know) and than coming home and paying the consequences and having those who accept me and my limitations paying also.  That is one of the hardest things of being ill, what it does to my kids and my husband.  I see them want what used to be and it hurts me not to be able to give it to them.  Anthony wrote me a letter in response to my telling him about my appointment last month.  It broke my heart to hear him say, "I almost started crying at my farewell, as I sat on the stand and looked out and saw ALL my family sitting there together.  I do hope you continue to do better so that when I get home we can go and do things together again."  That just breaks my heart, what have I done to my children?  I know it isn't really me doing it because there is honestly nothing that can be done in regards to some of my symptoms.  That is the hardest for others to understand and accept- you can't and will never be completely fixed or whole again.  It isn't something you chose to have happen to you, who knows if it is anything that could have been avoided, but wishing and wanting don't fix and don't make it go away. 

I have noticed that since this experience began many things have changed about me and looking back I wouldn't change the new way I look at people and things around me at all.  I feel that I used to be too judgmental, claiming that I wasn't and more critical than I wanted to be.  Intermittent showers all day today, equals cleansing for the soul and a renewing of the Earth.  Dinner tonight with good friends that don't expect my mask when I show up and fully accept whatever face comes, how thankful I am for them.

Paix

WOW...a long time has past.

I realized the other day that it has been FOREVER since I've blogged.  I update Anthony's missionary blog at least once a week (okay, I try >.<)  

I decided that one of the many reasons for this lapse is simple, not on my mind.  I now work away from home; unlike 19 yrs previous, I started working for my sister 3 yrs ago.  I am on the internet but working, not blogging.  I get home and my laptop DIED 2 yrs ago and I'm not about to type enough stuff for a blog on a kindle with a stupid spell check and one fingering.  That would be annoying beyond.

I have decided and hope it is possible to be able to start sharing my discoveries and self healing from the past 6 yrs with PTSD.  Does that mean I am cured - ha ha ha ha ha breathe...oh heck no!  PTSD is not curable but it can sometimes be managed in degree's so that the rest can hopefully be put on shelf.  When it all shows up at once, that is not a good day, life, or time for anyone with in my near vicinity.  I know that people don't understand PTSD, what causes it, its symptoms and physical limitations; mainly because has similiar cause and effect yet just as each person is different, it manifests itself differently in each person.

So back in the habit of sharing daily, give me time lol, this won't be easy to remember to do and at times sharing puts me back in the red zone and isn't healthy.  But I shall try and endeavor if all of you try to read with an open mind and an understanding heart.

Paix

There is LIGHT AGAIN!

My thoughts are all jumbled up and its hard to know where to start.  Some song in my earphone pops thoughts into my head to start discussing and than someone makes a comment or chats on facebook and that totally starts a different line!  Wow, never pray for inspiration - maybe moderation in inspiration would be a little more specific and helpful! Lol.

Yes, I laughed and I have tears in my eyes - tears of joy and happiness.  Is my life fixed?  Is it better?  Am I perfect?  Are my children?  My husband?  No, YES, HELL NO, no and no.  For six to seven years I have looked at people's inspirational comments and some hurt because I knew I could not process and go there at that time and that's okay.  For everything a time and a reason and a purpose.  I will never be perfect, I have faults - A LOT - but I also have good in me and I've let the world, the negativity, the grief, and the faults of others crush me for too long.

When I was 17 my parents allowed and paid for me to go to Washington D.C. with a small group from my High School to attend a week long tour and teaching experience with the group Close Up.  It changed me.  I was growing up in small town America where everyone knew your business and if they didn't they made it up.  If you lived your religion and had standards you were made fun of and shunned.  Just fact - shotgun weddings were more attended and celebrated than regular ones.  In my group of friends some of the group were jealous of each other and due to families that had lived there forever, some opinions were valued higher than others.  All that changed in Washington D.C.   Close Up was kids from Puerto Rico, Chicago, New York, Utah, and a several other states I can't think of at this moment. :)  We all split up into groups and the fact that kids that didn't know me treated me better than those I had spent the last 9 yrs growing up with totally opened my eyes.  They didn't know backgrounds, they didn't know details, they saw attitudes, personalities, and judged on actions of the people they saw during meetings and events.  Needless to say, when the group I was with tried to treat me the same as at home, before we left, they got blasted.  I'd had enough, I'd been treated right, my opinion valued and requested and I wasn't just a groupie or add-on.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to share what happened to me yesterday yet.  But I can say that there is nothing greater than the Saviors unconditional love and the forgiveness you allow yourself to feel - about yourself.  Part of the light I used to feel and hopefully radiate, I can feel starting to burst through again.  I can't fully express how wonderful it feels to be happy again.